I Don't Follow Rules - I Break 'Em Betch

I'm a runner - and by runner I do not mean that I like to go out for a jog every now and then. I mean that I actually go running, for multiple miles (like a minimum of 5), about 5 days a week. I also like to do stupid things like run 10-Mile races and crap like that (yes I'm going to do a 1/2 Marathon b/4 my 30th bday, and no I don't know why). At any rate, there are rules when you are a runner. All runners know about these rules, they are unspoken. However, when running on the WO&D trail a few weekends ago I noticed people not following the rules of running. Maybe this is b/c they are new runners. Or maybe its b/c its been cold outside for a while, and they've been running alone all winter long and they forgot the rules. Or maybe, just maybe its b/c they don't feel like they have to follow the rules. Well guess what betches, I'm here to tell you to follow the dayum rules or I will kick you in your shins. Just in case these people are new runners, and may have not heard of the rules, I'm going to post them below, with explanations so that there is no confusion as to when you should abide by these rules (read ALWAYS). Oh and for the guy who came up onto the sidewalk in his Chevy Trailblazer the other night, so he could hurry up and make it to the red light, and ended up kicking rocks all over me with his tires, you can go punch yourself in the face. I hope you have a flat tire d!ck. Sorry, rules, yes, here we go.

Rule #1: When a fellow runner waves at you, you wave back.
Yea guess what a$$hole, I'm not waving at you b/c I don't know you and I want to make friends. I'm waving at you b/c that's what we do as runners. We acknowledge the other person who is part of our little club, and is making a choice to run, not b/c they are forced to, but b/c they really enjoy running and they love the high you get when you finish running, and they love the sweat and the pain, and all of that good stuff. So just wave and keep running. You don't even have to smile, just tilt your wrist up and WAVE.

Rule #2: If I'm moving too slow for you, go around me.
Stop running on my heels weirdo. If I'm going to slow for you, just freaking run around me. Is it really that hard? You are running, just move over to the left and go around me, b/c I'm running on the right-hand side just in case there are people faster than me.

Rule #3: If I start to go around you, do not speed up. This is not a race.
Okay you were running too slow for me, I decided to go around you and now you want to race me? OH HAIL NO! Move your slow tail out the way. And if you want to race around me after I get around you, then so be it. But don't you dare try and race me - I will cut you.

Rule #4: No you cannot have a sip of my water.
Ewwww you is nasty! Why would I let you drink my water? I mean I get it, you forgot yours, but turn around and go get some. You shouldn't be running 12 miles on Saturday without any water. Or if you started to run and realized you forgot yours, then turn the eff around and go back. You'll make that 12 miles, it will just be in 3 miles segments instead of 6 mile segments.

Rule #5: Don't you dare say "Yuck" when I spit.
I'm running, a lot, and it makes you get all cotton mouthy and phlemy, so shut your face, I've got to spit. So yea, I just did spit, and you are going to have to spit later on. End of story.

Rule #6: Dress for the weather.
When you go running, you should dress as if it were 10 degrees warmer out due to your body temperature rising while you run. Additionally, jogging pants are not really great running pants, they are just for lounging. Cotton is no bueno for the wet whicking we all like to have on our bodies. Oh and unless you are running 20 miles, you do not need 14 water/liquid containers on your hydration belt. For the love of everything holy, take some of those off!

Rule #7: Stop at the crosswalk and don't expect cars to stop for you.
Yea, those big heavy cars/buses/trucks will crush your a$$. So don't act all awesome and run through the crosswalk (or lack thereof) will wreckless abandonment b/c you will get creamed. Yes, I know, that white man was there on the signal telling you to cross, but cars don't care about that. They like to get where they are going, when they want to get there, regardless of whether or not you happen to be in the middle of that crosswalk. So please, look both ways before you scar me for life with visuals of your mangled body entangled with steel.

I think that's good enough to jog your memory (no pun intended) or to start you off. You'll learn the rest as you go along. And remember, I'm just here to help, not to place blame. No follow the dayum rules or else! Smoochies! :)

I Barely Have Time to Pee During the Day

So I admit - I've been sucking on the blogging lately. Hey, I admitted it, so shut your face now okay?!?! I thought perhaps I'd rant a bit about my visit to the Bahamas. I know, I know, you are sitting there thinking "is this bish really gonna complain about going to the Bahamas?!?!" but you've gotta understand, I love to complain. No really, I do. Its like my favorite past time. At any rate, let the games begin.

Okay so we are supposed to be on a 8:30 flight out of DCA on US Airways (which I still refer to as US Scareways, b/c its STILL scary). We arrive at the airport, skate through security, and arrive at our gate (for our international departure) 1 hour and 15 minutes before the plane departs. The plane is there, the pilot is there, the flight attendants are there, we are all there, ready to go. So, we begin boarding at 7:45 (and ps I got shafted on my zone even though I have like 200K miles with Star Alliance, no biggie, go eff yourself USAir, I digress) and boarding goes super smooth. The following items annoy me about this flight:

1. This is a packed a$$ plane, with lots of children, which is just weird right? I mean I had no idea so many people took their children to the Caribbean for vacation? Dude we went to Disney World, and that was like a big deal (and 16 hours in a car). The Bahamas? Are you serious? What 6 year old understands the magnitude of the fact that they are going to the freaking Caribbean? I'm just now going to the Caribbean and I'm a working adult, who makes a great living, and can finally afford to do so. Additionally, I think going to the Caribbean is kind of romantic. What the hell is romantic about going there with your children? I know, I don't have kids, I don't get it...I've heard it before. But I am absolutely certain my kids aren't going to the Caribbean with Coal Miner and I...FACT!

2. The lady behind me has the whiniest fuggin kid I have ever heard. This kid betched about EVERYTHING. His seat, his jacket, his hat, he was hungry, he was tired, he didn't want to play that game, he didn't want his sister to read with him, he wanted a different book. BACKHAND YOUR KID OR I WILL. If I ever, ever, would have acted like that, it would have been one of my last days on this fine earth. Big Lee would have put me tarmac and left me there, FACT!

3. We've been sitting for almost 15 minutes beyond our take-off time and we haven't gone anywhere...hmmm..the pilot comes on and says "Well folks, looks like we have a small mechanical issue here. The mechanics are working on it now, but no idea when they'll be done, I'll keep you posted." 45 minutes later "Well folks...we haven't made much progress. Still having some issues, we'll keep you posted." 30 minutes later "Soooo *insert laughter* no new news. The mechanics are trying to decide if we should fix the problem, or if we should just get ourselves on a new plane. We hope to be out of here in the next 30 minutes." 30 minutes later "So its going to take way too long to fix this issue. We're just going to get you guys on a new plane. So let's have every de-board, and we'll re-board and the gate right next to us. Thanks for your patience folks." A) if he says "folks" one more time I'm launching my pen at him B) it took you 2 hours to figure that out a$$hole? C) get me off this plane I'm starving and I've got to tinkle.

4. We get to the new gate and the plane is sitting there, the pilots are there, the flight attendants are there, we are all there. Except we aren't boarding. We are standing...in the terminal...with no direction. 1 hour later "Okay everyone, we are going to board in the same order we did before. Zone 1" 30 minutes later "Sorry about the delay folks - lets get you to Nassau." Really? Really? I paid extra to leave at 8:30 in the morning so I could have a full day there, I'm now going to arrive 5+ hours AFTER I was supposed to arrive. I hate you US Airways - FACT!

5. While in-flight the attendants say to us over the VERY LOUD loudspeaker "We know you guys have missed out on some of your vacation, and we apologize. To make it up to you we'd like to offer you a US Airways Credit Card..." WHHHAAATTTT??? You want to offer me a credit card to make up for the fact that I just lost an entire day in the Bahamas? Wow, you guys are BOLD. "We are going to put an extra 5,000 miles on there for your trouble, and b/c you open the card, you get 25,000 miles, which means you are already eligible for a free flight. This will just cost you $79, the annual fee of the card." So Miss Chipper, it isn't actually a "free flight it is? Nope, doesn't take a 4th grader to figure that out. THIS BISH! Astounded...no Surprised....no Appalled...YES!

6. Jolly ride on the plane, we start getting near Nassau "Well folks, looks like you just missed the sunshine. Clouds are rolling in and a light drizzle has started. I hope you enjoy your stay and fly with us again." Ummm that's going to be a negative ghost rider.

So anyway, the weather sucked when we go there, but we got drunk and gambled at the casino so whatevs, that was fun. And then the next day was AMAZING. So I can't really complain b/c I did get to go to the Bahamas, and I did get some serious sun, and I did get to spend some awesome time with the Coal Miner, so I should shut my face right?

Oh and just so you know, I complained to US Airways. I didn't ask for anything, I didn't place blame, I just said that I was really disappointed in their airlines, I was appalled at the offering of a credit card, and they should really take a second look at their benefits realization structure with regard to their customers. In turn, they gave me two $75 vouchers to use within the next 6 months, with blackout periods...which I guess is a good start right?!?!?