You Cannot Be Serious

So as usual, work makes me giggle on the reg and I just had to share some of the experiences over the past two weeks. While I'm stuck in a sh!tstorm of program work, I do occasionally pickup on things happening around my office. And you know, everyone here speaks at like level 327 so its hard not to hear them.

Today in the cafeteria: A guy in front of me in line, says to a lady two behind me in line "I can't wait to tell you about my crazy night last night. It was a doozy! I mean Oh My God I was...well let's just say it was crazy." To which the nice young lady replies "Me too, St. Patrick's Day is AWESOME!"...ummm did you know that you are in line at work?!?! B/c the whole line just heard you and we now all think you got faced last night, are hungover, and think you are still 21. Just sayin.

Mister Inappropriate: Apparently MI's wife likes to speed. So the other day she got a ticket for sailing through a stop sign in Montgomery County. Apparently the cop was "hiding" and it "really wasn't fair." Well guess what, she got another one this morning, at THE SAME STOP SIGN. How stupid do you have to be to get a ticket, within one week of each other, for the same offense, at the same location? Pure comedy. He was up in arms with Montgomery County b/c they are "just trying to make money, its so unfair." Oh and his cubemate says "Dude maybe she should just stop running stop signs and then there wouldn't be a problem right?" Crickets....Crickets...still nothing has been said.

In the Bathroom: Someones cell phone rings, its the cleaning lady's (I only know this b/c the ring tone was some Spanish song and she started singing along). She answers and says "Hola" and then says "I'm peeing" and then says "Yes" and flushes the toilet and then says "Si, si, si, numero dos. Vasta!" Yea lady I might be American, but I can understand that you just told whoever was on the other end of that phone that you took a dump.

On the Elevator: You have to use your badge to access the parking garage, so I get to the elevator and a woman is standing there staring at the elevator. I say "Did you forget your badge?" and she replies "No I hit the button." And I say "Oh you need your badge to call the elevator" and she says "Ummm I'm pretty sure I know how to operate an elevator." And the guy behind me says "Obviously not this one!" and swipes his badge, then presses the button. Needless to say the elevator ride down to P4 was a bit awkward, but I was smiling the entire time.

In a Meeting: Social Media is something we are trying to get going around here (I'm actually heading up the workstream (yea we use words like "workstream" which are actually two words, but we've made them one word)) and so someone says to me "In laymen terms, why exactly would you blog?" To which I reply "As simply as possible, to expression your opinions, feelings, disseminate knowledge, etcetera." And I get the answer of "Well that just seems silly, who the hell reads blogs anyway? I think all of this social media crap is a waste of time, valuable company time." I just smiled at the old fart.

Over IM: "Your SVP just wrapped a piece of sausage in a blueberry pancake. I thought you should know." a few minutes later "Oh My God, she is doing it again! She must be starving! By the way, it didn't make a sound...I kind of expected to hear a crunch or a small cry for help from the sausage. But alas, nothing."

This place is super fun...no really it is! I know I would miss it if I ever left. I find it highly unlikely that the same ish that happens here happens at other companies. If it does, please do share! :)

Why No, Actually I Don't Live in Vermont

I've decided to write a list of things that I miss. See as i've grown older (and if one more person calls me a "soon to be cougar" I'm going to kick their a$$) I'm not quite as fun as I used to be. No, I swear it, its true. I mean yea I know, I'm still super fun, but not like the 20-something super fun I used to be ya know. So I'm going to write about the 20-something antics I used to engage, and why I miss them. Its more therapy for me than for you, so shut your face. Maybe I'll write something fun next week when I'm sitting on my couch watching Lifetime again. Ps, Lifetime is a horrible channel. How did I at one point "love this channel"?!!? Man I had issues.

I Miss You....
Metabolism: You and I were once inseparable. You were quick, fast, speedy and allowed me to barely gain any weight without ever exercising. Its official, you have slowed down and have forced me to begin running copious amounts of miles each week. Its okay, I understand, its a fact of life. But I really miss you. Perhaps you could come back and visit?

Dancing on Boxes/Stages/Bars: We had some good times didn't we? Not only was it hella fun, I made money doing it. Yea I know, my outfits were a bit skanky and I had to work super late hours. But I got free booze, and made cash, and didn't have claim a dime of it. Now I could never dream of getting up on a bar, scantily clad, and show up Beyonce's moves. And no readers, I was not a stripper, I was a club dancer. Jezus you guys have no faith in me.

Staying up until 5am and sleeping-in until 1pm: Oh how I long to see the sunrise in a druken haze again. Oh how I long to put up darkening shades at 5am so I can sleep until mid-afternoon. Only to wake up and do it all again the next day. In all actuality the thought of that does not inspire me at all. It actually makes me yawn, but hey it was a lot of fun at the time.

Cigarettes: Smokey friend, we have parted ways but how I long to take one nice long drag, right after a sip of RedBull and Vodka. Ahhhh I can taste it now. That smokey aftertaste in my mouth, then I take another sip of the RedBull and Vodka. Then the buzz kicks in. yea, that was nice. All except the possibility of getting lung cancer part. WTF was I thinking? Thanks be to God I stopped doing that. HOWEVER, please note I loved it at the time. It was so theraputic. But stupid.

Fast Food as a Hangover Cure: Oh McDonald's, we've been through some tough times together. Your fountain soda, greasy burger, and medium fry could cure even the worst hangover. Laying on the living room floor, wishing I were dead, with my roommates feeding me a Big N' Tasty meal, and feeling better within a hour. Oh yes, McDonald's you ARE the most amazing hangover cure. Too bad that metabolism thing slowed down and now I can instantly feel the fat hit my thighs if I even take a bite of a Big N' Tasty.

Wednesdays Are the New Thursday, Thursdays are the New Friday, etc: Glasses of cabernet for $2.50? Why yes, I think I'll have 12, on a Tuesday, why not? That my friends, was RAD. We used to drink like every night. I mean like getting FACED every night. I don't even remember most of those nights, but I do remember that they were f-u-n. Tuesdays were the new Wednesdays, I don't care what anyone says. Shall we dance Wednesday? One final farewell?

*Le sigh* I do miss all of you so...I miss you so.