Career Megan vs. Street Megan

I realized about 30 minutes ago that I have dual personalities. There is Career Megan and then there is Street Megan. Career Megan is extremely professional. She is polite in all of her dealings, remains politically correct at all times, and can whip together a corporate strategy before you can say "Government Bailout." Let me give you an example of an exchange that would take place with Career Megan.

Unnamed VP: Megan, [co-worker name] is clearly incapable of handling the assignment I have provided her. I think it would be best if you handled her assignments going forward. As for this assignment, I'll need that completed immediately as the deadline has already passed. You'll be able to complete that asap right?


Career Megan: Sure [VP], that shouldn't be a problem. Does [co-worker name] know that I'll be handling the assignment on her behalf?


VP: Ummm no, she doesn't. I think its best if we just kept this between the two of us. I feel kind of bad that she isn't able to handle the request. This IS what I hired her to do, but some people have it and some people don't you know??


Career Megan: Oh yes, I'll be sensitive to the issue. I'll start working on that now.

Now let me introduce you to Street Megan. Street Megan has no filter. She's blunt and to the point, doesn't take anyone's shit, could at times be called "ghetto" in her responses and behavior, and curses like a truck driver's daughter. Street Megan is the "Megan" that most people know and love. I'm assuming if they met Career Megan they would be astounded and would probably pass out from the shock of professionalism and clean language. If we were to refer back to the situation that just took place, these are the responses Street Megan would have given.

Unnamed VP: Megan, [co-worker name] is clearly incapable of handling the assignment I have provided her. I think it would be best if you handled her assignments going forward. As for this assignment, I'll need that completed immediately as the deadline has already passed. You'll be able to complete that asap right?


Street Megan: Ummm, doooo what? Something wrong with that betch that she can't do it herself? And asap, whaaaaa??? Did you JUST find out the she was incapable of doing such tasks? Does she know I'm about to take on all of her work because she isn't smart enough to do it herself?


VP: Ummm no, she doesn't. I think its best if we just kept this between the two of us. I feel kind of bad that she isn't able to handle the request. This IS what I hired her to do, but some people have it and some people don't you know??


Street Megan: *laughing* Oh yes [VP's name] I DO know. And really, really, you want us to "keep it to ourselves" huh? Orrrr you could fire her. You hired her to perform specific tasks, which she is clearly incapble of completing, so why would you keep her around? And how can you feel bad for her? What the hell is wrong with this place? Its like worse than the government! How can you work somewhere, not do your job, and STILL work here. And then no one wants to even talk to you about the fact that you aren't performing as expected. Oh no, we'll just give your work to someone else because they don't have enough work of their own to do. Eff this place, I'm out. OOOOoooo OOOOOOOOOOOOO (throwing dueces)

So you see, each day I struggle while at work to keep Street Megan at bay. She tends to speak in a soft muffled voice at my desk, using every curse word ever created. Sometimes she starts to come out and I have to use all of my might to push her down and let Career Megan handle the situation. Career Megan is so level-headed, I'm so proud of her. Street Megan just thinks she's a little biiiitch.

What I Learned at Work Lately

So I thought maybe I would just throw out some of the tid bits of advice I've been offered over the past few months by various individuals throughout my company. I laugh on a daily basis at work b/c I swear the lawrd above you cannot make this ish up. They definitely get material for the show "The Office" straight from my lovely corporate job.

1. Don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt - "I used to believe in this principle until I was thrown under the bus so many times I can no longer count it on both my hands and toes. Don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt, they'll just *beep* you later on." - My Very Pissed Colleague
   
2. Don't state the facts - "I know you are a blunt person and you are very fact-based, but sometimes the facts need to be smoothed over...you know what I mean? A little sugar-coating never hurt anyone. And I know you are about to say that's lying, but its not...its just....smoothing over the not so great parts." - My Director
   
3. Dance the dance - "See people here like to dance the dance. And well, you just aren't dancing. If you want to be a VP you are going to have to dance the dance. So put on your most comfortable shoes girl and get started!" - My Former Vice President
   
4. Meet about Meetings - "I get that you think its ridiculous to meet about a meeting, but we need to prepare for the meeting where we plan to discuss the upcoming meeting. I just don't think its smart for us to go to this meeting without any meetings under our belt." - Unnamed Director
   
5. Never say you don't know the answer - "Even if you don't know the answer, never ever say that you don't actually know the answer. See if you can spin it so that you can answer their question with a question. Or just skirt around the actual question. Works every time. No one can know that you don't actually know the answer." - Someone I accused of not knowing the answer
   
6. Email at midnight for respect - "Yea sometimes I'll log in right before I go to bed and send an email, just so people think that I was working super late into the night. No, I'm serious it really works people think I'm like killing myself over here. Also, I just like to check my email before I go to bed, there's something so soothing about it." - A former colleague who was "laid-off"
   
7. Know just enough to get ahead- "Well the real secret is to delegate all of the work you have and then have a download session with the individual completing the work. That way you are informed about what's taking place and when, plus you seem to be an authority on the subject but can defer to someone else if you don't know all of the nitty gritty details. That also means that you are "people managing"." -A People Manager
   
8. Promotions = time endured, NOT performance - "She has been here for like 20 years. I mean I think she definitely deserves to be promoted. If you've been here that long what else are they supposed to do? Sure she doesn't know a thing about Marketing, but I mean 20 years...seriously 20 years, she deserves it working at this place for 20 years." - I don't even remember but its ridiculous none the less
   
9. Your Job Title is irrelevant- "Your title doesn't necessarily reflect what you do. Please note that titles and job descriptions are "best fits"."- My HR Rep
   
10. Meet the quota - "Do you guys have anyone who is female or of non-Caucasian descent? We really need to select some minorities to meet the quota we have to fill." -The Procurement Team