Yes I Work From Home, No Its Not a Vacation

I just started working from home (WFH) on Mondays and Fridays. As all of you know I was at my wit's end at the paycheck place and asked if it would be possible to get some of my sanity back by not losing 3 hours of my daily life and the ability to go running before 9pm, just two days out of the week. They very graciously agreed and I will forever be thankful.

Recently I've noticed when I speak to people on the days I'm working from home, or just in passing when I mention working from home, they get very snarky. They make comments like "oh that must be nice" or "wow someone owed you a favor huh?" Yeaaa, about that. Listen, I know working from home probably sounds like some sort of spa treatment. Like I get to sit on my couch, in my PJs, watching Oprah, meanwhile acting like I'm working. Does that accurately describe what you were thinking? Well I don't know about you, but I've never had a relaxing day where you begin working at 7:30am, are on conference calls until 3:30, shower at 4pm, and then finish up your day at 7/8pm. Have you been to a spa like that recently? Sounds dreamy huh? Yea I didn't think so.

Realize there are two types of people in this world. Personality A (not to be confused with Type A) = The ones who you would never entrust with working from home. They are incapable of not turning on the television. They run errands while on conference calls instead of actively listening. Their kids are constantly in the background having conversations with them while they "attend" your meeting via phone. They sign on at 9am, and sign off at 4:30pm, meanwhile being "idle" on IM most of the day. Seems like I have experience with these types of people huh? Personality B = The machines. They sign-on early morning and work straight through the day. They usually pull 12+ hour days and feel bad even venturing to their kitchen to grab a drink, let alone some food for lunch. They forward their desk phone to their personal line and always answer, until 6 or 7 pm. Without interruptions they can produce more work than one single human should during a workday. As if you didn't already gather, I am Personality B.

This means, unlike Personality A, I'm not having a grand old time sitting at home, doing some laundry, fixing dinner, cleaning up the house, going out for a run. I'm working. Probably working harder than I do at work. I'm still working when Coal Miner walks in the front door. My phone rings until 6/7 at night. I still answer "Paycheck Place, this is Me". And then when that stops ringing, my blackberry starts.

So next time you think to yourself "Oh THAT must be nice" when someone mentions working at home, think about me. And realize going to work is probably a lot easier and the toilets have auto-flush.

Don't Stop Get it Get it

True story about the other day at lunch. I went to the cafe that is just a few hundred feet from the office. Turns out it was THE best day that DC has experienced, to date, in 2011. Since it was so amazing outside I decided that I would sit outside and take in the wonderfulness that was 70 degrees before we were hit with some random snow storm (like tonight) b/c this place is reedic when it comes to weather. At any rate, it goes a little something like this.

While waiting in line to order my deliciously over priced $15 salad (there were 2 people in front of me, 4 behind me, and 2 at the cash register) in walks a woman dressed as if its 35 degrees outside. Its 70 degrees outside and she has on snow boots, a North Face jacket, complete with fur trimmed hood, and a scarf. Captain snowstorm walks straight up to the cash register, cutting in front of everyone, and proceeds to order (right after the guy at the register finishes).
Guy in Front of Me: *turns around and looks at me* Unbelievable right?
Me: *Shrug*
Guy Behind Me: Are you going to say something?
Guy in Front of Me: Yea, are you going to say anything?
Me: Who me? Why me?
Guy Behind Me: I can't believe this shit.
Guy in Front of Me: Yea you should say something.
Me:Umm dude who cares? We're going to get our food, I'm certain of that.
Lady two behind guy behind me: Did she cut everyone? Oh my god, how rude!
Me: You guys, it isn't that serious. *laughing*
Everyone: *glaring at me*
*I get to the counter, smile at the woman (who is still waiting for her order), and proceed to order*
Woman at the counter: Did I cut in front of you guys?
Me: Yea, no biggie *smile*
Woman at the counter: Whatever. I don't really care that I cut in front of you. I was just ordering coffee and I'm sure you were ordering a hell of a lot more than that. Am I right?
Me: Alrighty then. Like I said, its really not a big deal. *smile*
Woman at the counter: Well aren't we miss chipper today?
Me: *smiling* Why yes I am! Have a wonderful day and enjoy that coffee ya hear. *smile even bigger*
Woman at the counter: Bitch.

Ohhh Captain Snowstorm, youz a crazy baish. Imma go find a table and act like this never even happened.

*Sitting at my table, enjoying my million dollar salad*

Arabic Woman: Excuse me miss. Are you dining alone?
Me: Yep.
Arabic Woman: Oh great! Would you mind moving to that table over there in the shade so my husband and I can sit in the sun?
Me: *chuckling* Seriously?
Arabic Woman: Well, yes. I mean you are dining alone, what does it matter?
Me: *laughing* Yea I'm not moving, sorry.
Arabic Woman: You really aren't going to move for us?
Me: Nope, sorry.
Arabic Woman: *something in Farsi to her husband* *then under her breath but loud enough for me to hear* Not sure why she is being such a mean woman. Guess its because she's eating by herself. I would be pissed off too. Poor lonely woman.
Me: *smiling* Enjoy your lunch!

Did that bitch seriously just tell me that b/c I was dining alone at lunch I didn't have the same right to eat in the sun as she and her husband? Seriously lady? Seriously? Thanks be to God I have an awesome sense of humor. I literally thought that I might be on an episode of Punk'd or that other show where they test you for 15 minutes to see if you'll explode and then when you don't they give you $100. Sadly, that was not the case. However I sat there and realized I was pretty rad for still smiling, keeping a positive attitude and for not punching those women in their cooters.

I am the CEO of Myself

Coal Miner and I went snowboarding this weekend in Canaan. We drove through a snowstorm to get there at 2:00am. That was super fabulous and we drove through some seriously creepy WV towns, which always makes me giddy. We slept in a double-bed together, we spent all days on the slopes, it was snowing, it was lovely. We spent time with his parents, one-on-one, we ate, we drank, we laughed, we seriously enjoyed each others' company. But during the long weekend I had some serious conversations internally, as well as with Coal Miner and his family. And now the background on the serious discussions. On Friday morning my blackberry started ringing, at 7:50am. It continued throughout the day. Mind you, I didn't answer the phone, and I only read 50 emails, at 9am, and then didn't pick it up again. I had an out of office on, and I also sent an email out prior to my departure on Thursday evening that I would not be in the office on Friday. I provided individuals to contact in case of emergency and let everyone know I would be back on Monday.

Before I left on Thursday my director said to me, and I quote "You can't leave! What are we supposed to do? Do you think everything will be okay? I can't believe I accepted your vacation request!!" Those exclamation points are not an exaggeration. I laughed, b/c that's funny right? The sad thing is, she was serious. The voice mail from Friday morning said, and I quote "I saw that you were out of office. But I'm going to need you to call me asap and handle my questions I've posed in the email I sent you." The next one, from later in the morning said "I saw you were out of office, but I thought you could give me a call and we could discuss the communication plan in more detail before close of business today." There are more emails/phone calls stating the same type of "urgent, urgent, stop what you are doing" message.

After I read my 50 emails I was in a terrible mood. As usual, the content of those emails caused my blood to boil. Coal Miner noticed my mood. He was frustrated with both me and with the fact that the paycheck place can't seem to operate efficiently unless I'm involved. I was almost afraid he was going to storm out if I answered the phone or I looked at my phone one more time that morning.

At dinner I told Coal Miner's dad about the incident. He sat perplexed and pondered my situation. He's such a knowledgeable and accomplished man whom I respect and look to for guidance on my career. He told me that as President of his company he expects people to call him and for him to be accountable. But for me, he doesn't quite get it. I don't either. I'm not the CEO, hell I'm not even a Director. Its a great problem to have, I know that and perhaps I shouldn't complain. I know everyone is probably sick of reading these posts, and sick of hearing about my job and all of the annoyance that is part of my daily life. So you'll be happy to read my next sentence. I made a decision that if everything works out the way I'm hoping, I'm cutting myself lose from the paycheck place.

Its not going to get any better. There is never a good time to leave your job. I'm always going to be giving up some form of compensation no matter when I leave. So why not seize the opportunity in front of you. Find a new niche. Get in a new company. Find your inner piece. I decided since I wasn't the CEO of the Paycheck Place and couldn't solve any of their problems, I would be the CEO of Me. And with that new distinction I'm making my first big decision...I'm leaving.

WHAM Did Tell Me: That's what you get

I was recently promoted at work. I have a whole team working for me now. I report up to a Director who reports directly into the SVP. I talk to the SVP daily. I'm moving up the food chain. I've been doing it for years. It's the reason I've spent so many hours at my desk, after they turn the ac/heat off at night, and I'm the last car in the garage. It's what I wanted. So why now, after I'm getting what I want, do I not want it anymore. I find myself most mornings longing to stay home, go for a run, pick up the house, and fix dinner for Coal Miner. Am I having the 5 year itch at work? Am I starting to realize perhaps being the SVP isn't exactly what I thought it would be?

Don't get me wrong, I like the fact that I've made a name for myself. I've built a little empire, all by myself, without any advocates at work. I ensured that I attended the right meetings with the "big guns", I went to those Happy Hours, I was adamant about my promotion, my ability to run a team and manage a multi-million dollar project at the same time. I was and am a superstar at work. I know it, everyone else knows it as well, its not a secret. So what's going on? What happened? Am I burnt out at the age of 30? That can't be. I'm too young for that. Have my priorities changed? Or am I just trying to do too much? I've come to the conclusion its the later.

Most days I find myself sitting at my desk, head swirling, thinking "how on earth am I going to get all of this done?" I need to ask for help. I need to start delegating. I need to slow down. I'm doing way too much, way too fast, and putting unrealistic deadlines on myself. Why do I need to be a VP by 40? Seriously, why? What does that prove? Why do I "need" that title? Yes, I get it, I want to be important. Hell my whole generation wants the same thing. We were brought up to believe that you need titles, cars, houses, things, etc. to be important. But what if I just want a simpler life. I like nice things, but I don't need them to be happy. I like money, but...I can't say what I just said about money. I don't know that I need it to be happy, but I do know that I need it to feel okay.

I grew up watching my parents live paycheck to paycheck. Wanting more than what they had. Juggling which bills to pay to ensure that our electricity stayed on and we could still charge groceries to the credit card. They refinanced their house multiple times. My mother worked two to three jobs at a time. She was exhausted. She was never around. Neither was my dad. And it wasn't their fault. They came to what they could, they were home when they were needed, they were always there when I needed them. It didn't take anything away from my parent's parenting skills or my childhood. It was an amazing childhood (almost storybook if you don't count what I just told you). BUT, I don't want that for myself. I don't want that for my family. I don't want my little girls (if I have them) to have a memory of me sitting at the kitchen table crying trying to figure out when the last possible moment is to pay this bill or that bill. Or hear me say to my mom on the phone "We are in the red again." They didn't think we knew. We did. So, after psychoanalyzing the shit out of myself, I know why I "need" money. I know why it makes me feel safe. And I know why I feel like I have to die trying to earn as much of it as possible. But still, I long for a simpler life. I long for a slower life. I long to enjoy my days, each of them, instead of wishing them away. I yearn for less traffic and more "us" time. I just need to find a way to feel safe and at ease. Got any grand ideas?

That Ain't French

I had my mid-year review today. All-in-all I'm killing it at work right now. That feels good to say out loud. And not in an "I'm bragging b/c I'm rad" kind of way, but more in a "I work my ass off" kind of way. Speaking of asses, in my midyear today my boss told me I need to "know my audience." I'm such an inquisitive young woman that I asked what exactly it was that he meant by that statement. He let me know that there are two (count it 2) types of people at my paycheck place - cool ones, and not cool ones. Apparently I dropped a F-bomb on a not cool one. In turn, said very uncool person remarked that I was a "phenomenal employee, but that language is not appropriate for the work place." Oh God, go f*ck yourself you ninny. You are a tool, you douche. (keep in mind that is exactly what I was saying in my head while this was being explained to me) I speak this way when complaining about your non-working ass b/c I'm stuck doing the job of 3 people when you can barely do the job of one. Or maybe I'm complaining about the fact that everyone I work with thinks they are more important than they actually happen to be. Or maybe I just like cussing. What's the problem with that huh? HOWEVER, I understand. I get it. I do. I just...I just...I don't know how to stop. I've had a potty mouth since I can remember. Hell I even lost my car for a week in high school b/c I couldn't stop cussing (my dad caught me cussing, long story short, he took the car until I "learned my lesson" - look how well that turned out). I cuss like a freight train. Anyone who knows me, knows that fact. It sort of just comes with the territory. But I've decided I'm going to attempt to use code words for all of my foul mouthed habits and hope that maybe I can kick this "problem". It will be hard b/c I don't think people fully understand and/or appreciate what I mean until I include an explicative. But hell maybe I can get the point across without 'em. ORRR maybe people will call me a puss behind my back, whatever, I'm going to try it out and see what happens (note I think this will last all of one day, maybe not even 24 hours. Come on this isn't my first rodeo!).

New Code Words:

Shut the front door - I've been using this for a while now, and while amusing it just doesn't hold the same feeling...ehhh I'll go with it

Betch - Please don't make me explain that term. It's also currently in use, but again, just not holding the same weight.

Flippin' - gey, but I'm going with it.

Clown - instead of ass hat or ass clown, I'll just go with clown.

I'm starting to shake. I don't think I can stop saying f*ck...its my favorite word. I use it every three seconds. I know its not lady like, so you can shut your face, but I like the word f*ck. Its fun! It holds great meaning. Its strong. It conveys my point. F*ck what am I going to do?!?! If only I could speak with that little asterisk. Or have someone follow me around and go "BLEEP" each time I cuss. This is going to be a very very long week....

Wrote a song bout, like to hear, here it go

Everyone keeps telling me "Its not you Megan. Its just...its just...them." I'm really starting to think that I'm right, it is me. I know self-loathing is just so Kurt Cobain, but honestly, I think it might actually be good ole moi. Some days I could give a sh*t less and some days it really bothers me. I think the closer my birthday gets each year I start to flip the F out. I don't know why my birthday creeps me out so much. I honestly could care less about getting older. I actually welcome my 30s. At least I won't have people continually say "but you are soooo young" or "you're just a baaaby" [ps I just heard "Maybe the Dingo ate your baby" when I wrote that..in my head of course]. So really, it must be me. What am I doing wrong? Does my personality suck? Am I too forward? I mean I'm a go get 'em type gal. I guess that could be a turnoff for some huh? Well crap, what am I supposed to do? I need constructive feedback people. Tell me the truth, you know I can handle it [and throw that sh*t right back in your face later, lol, kidding].

Have you heard those annoying Jerry's Subs commercials on the radio? I swear to the heavens above they are like nails on a chalkboard for me. I can't handle them. Stupid Sarah Palin and Bill Clinton and Obama impersonations. I can't change the channel fast enough when they start airing. Perhaps I should look into that satellite radio after all. Or maybe I should just stop being so lazy and grab my ipod before I head out in the morning. Seriously though, sh*t isn't funny so please get a new steeze Jerry's, thanks.

So I received this job offer last week (or maybe it was the week before, my God all of my weeks are running together). So we go through this whole process of negotiating back and forth and what not and I finally accept their offer and then they rescind my offer b/c of my start date...which was 5 days after the date they wanted. Seriously? No, seriously? I finally thought I had a chance of escaping Hades Haven, but I was incorrect. Being that Lucifer himself is in charge I don't know how I thought that to be possible.

I'm contemplating driving home this weekend, but its SUCH A DRAG. A few hours in a car by yourself is nice. You relax, you sing, you talk to yourself, its just silent...and that's nice, no buzz of fluorescent lights, no tapping of keyboards, and no constant freeway noise b/c well you ARE the freeway noise. But 7 hours in a car by yourself, in traffic none the less, is like sitting through a Yani concert. I mean you literally want to just get out and walk. Plus the drive back to DC you are just waiting for that moment when the little traffic line turns from green, to yellow, to the dreaded red on your GPS. I have such a love/hate relationship with the 757. I love the beach and I miss my family and friends, but it just isn't a quick trip during the summer months and it seems to rain/be cloudy on the weekends I'm there to bronze the crap out of my body. What gives 757, huh?

I'm dumping my thoughts, is that obvious or what? Work was totally manageable this week, that was NIIICCEEE. I haven't had a manageable week in months. I left at like 5 yesterday and I thought I actually started looking behind me to see if anyone was watching. Oh then I had the chance to go running in the pouring rain and it was fantabulous. I was muddy and drenched, ahhh it was wonderful.

I need a new hobby, any ideas? I was thinking sky diving or rock climbing or ANYTHING. I'm so fugging bored. I need something to do and I'm sick of spending money on food and drinks, that's only making me fat [or at least have a complex that I'm fat]. And don't you dare say scrap booking. I'm not from Wisconsin, nor am I overweight, married, or friend-less. I just need something to do in my spare time besides running. I could get a dog, but that's a lot of work. LIKE A LOT. Maybe a cat? Litter box, where would I put it? I need suggestions, HEEELLLPPPP.

What I Learned at Work Lately

So I thought maybe I would just throw out some of the tid bits of advice I've been offered over the past few months by various individuals throughout my company. I laugh on a daily basis at work b/c I swear the lawrd above you cannot make this ish up. They definitely get material for the show "The Office" straight from my lovely corporate job.

1. Don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt - "I used to believe in this principle until I was thrown under the bus so many times I can no longer count it on both my hands and toes. Don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt, they'll just *beep* you later on." - My Very Pissed Colleague
   
2. Don't state the facts - "I know you are a blunt person and you are very fact-based, but sometimes the facts need to be smoothed over...you know what I mean? A little sugar-coating never hurt anyone. And I know you are about to say that's lying, but its not...its just....smoothing over the not so great parts." - My Director
   
3. Dance the dance - "See people here like to dance the dance. And well, you just aren't dancing. If you want to be a VP you are going to have to dance the dance. So put on your most comfortable shoes girl and get started!" - My Former Vice President
   
4. Meet about Meetings - "I get that you think its ridiculous to meet about a meeting, but we need to prepare for the meeting where we plan to discuss the upcoming meeting. I just don't think its smart for us to go to this meeting without any meetings under our belt." - Unnamed Director
   
5. Never say you don't know the answer - "Even if you don't know the answer, never ever say that you don't actually know the answer. See if you can spin it so that you can answer their question with a question. Or just skirt around the actual question. Works every time. No one can know that you don't actually know the answer." - Someone I accused of not knowing the answer
   
6. Email at midnight for respect - "Yea sometimes I'll log in right before I go to bed and send an email, just so people think that I was working super late into the night. No, I'm serious it really works people think I'm like killing myself over here. Also, I just like to check my email before I go to bed, there's something so soothing about it." - A former colleague who was "laid-off"
   
7. Know just enough to get ahead- "Well the real secret is to delegate all of the work you have and then have a download session with the individual completing the work. That way you are informed about what's taking place and when, plus you seem to be an authority on the subject but can defer to someone else if you don't know all of the nitty gritty details. That also means that you are "people managing"." -A People Manager
   
8. Promotions = time endured, NOT performance - "She has been here for like 20 years. I mean I think she definitely deserves to be promoted. If you've been here that long what else are they supposed to do? Sure she doesn't know a thing about Marketing, but I mean 20 years...seriously 20 years, she deserves it working at this place for 20 years." - I don't even remember but its ridiculous none the less
   
9. Your Job Title is irrelevant- "Your title doesn't necessarily reflect what you do. Please note that titles and job descriptions are "best fits"."- My HR Rep
   
10. Meet the quota - "Do you guys have anyone who is female or of non-Caucasian descent? We really need to select some minorities to meet the quota we have to fill." -The Procurement Team

Almost a year later...nothing but randomness

Just a rant and catch up today:

Work is driving me insane. We have this internal website called "HomeSite" in which news and other things are published. Yet, none of what is posted is actual News. The sad thing is people find this crap really important. Like "drive slowly through the neighborhood" and "make sure you throw your ciggarettes into the smoke towers"...really people? Really, our company is under fire on the reg and there are rumors about layoffs circulating and the best you can come up with is watch your speed and flick your cig in the right place? Man, if only my job were so easy.

Now about my job. Its a cluster F. I don't even actually know who I report to anymore, let alone my future in my organization. I've been working on this Treasury web site and no one else in my team has any involvement. Correction, no one else in the company has any involvement. So its a bit difficult to decipher my position here. Of course I'm getting the empty promises of promotions (I'm now going on year 3 of that same promise...yea I'm onto the game folks). So I've decided to try and jump ship. In this economy, it isn't going as well as expected.

I've been applying to positions down in South Florida, to no avail. Wish times were a little better, but not extreme like they were previously, so I could find a great company down there to get my foot in the door. I know what you are thinking, but you have this great job here in DC, and all of your friends. But let me spell this out for you. My "great" job is awesome, I'm not going to lie about that, but I do 3 times the work of anyone here, the expectation has been set, and now I'm working such long hours that I hardly get a chance to eat dinner prior to 8pm, let alone work out anymore. My friends have all coupled up and don't really have time to be my friends. I found out a year or so ago that I was the best friend any person could have at any given time, but the same was not in order for my friends. My core group is gone and it saddens me, but we all have to grow up at some time right? I guess we are all growing apart or its just me. In my hopes to keep my self-esteem at an okay level I'm going with the first choice.

Okay, babbled enough. Who wants to help me find a job in good 'ole Sunny Florida? Or at least one here in DC that doesn't make me sit in a chair working on my secretary's spread all day. :)

Bathroom Etiquette

I've written about this before but apparently some folks didn't get the memo. When at work there are several rules you must follow in order to maintain proper bathroom etiquette. I will list these out for you so that you don't find yourself in a stinky situation.

1. Please keep at least one stall between each person using the restroom. Reasoning behind this, the stalls here at work have a nice reflective sheen. I've coined this as "butts on the wall" b/c I can not even begin to tell you how many women's a$$es I've seen in the past three years, reflecting on the walls in our bathroom stalls. This could have been avoided if they just would have left that one stall in between us. If you find yourself in the situation where there isn't any extra room, well then just wait a few minutes. I'm sure in less than 60 seconds one will open up.
   
2. There is no lolly-gagging in the bathroom. This is not a place to talk about a meeting or discuss your weekend plans or even catch up. This is the bathroom. This is a place where people go to go number 1 and number 2. The last thing I want/need is for you to discuss the 2:00 meeting when I'm trying to rid myself of any toxins in my body. And p.s., I really don't care if you hear a little something slip out in the middle of your discussion, serves you right. When you have completed your business promptly wash your hands and leave the bathroom. Its just the right thing to do.
   
3. Do not talk on your cell phone while using the bathroom or while in the bathroom. Do I really even need to explain this? What is wrong with you people? This is not the comfort of your own home. This is a 6-stall public restroom at work. Does the person on the other end need to hear me tinkle? Personally if you talk on the phone with me, while in a public restroom and I even begin to think I hear tinkling, I'm hanging up on you. Why would you want to put someone through that? Plus, what if the person next to you has a stomachache? My gawd you are an evil person, hang up the phone! Nothing is that important that it can't wait until after you use the bathroom. And if it is, then you better hold it until you finish your conversation.
   
4. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat. Enough said.
   
5. Do not comment on the smell of the bathroom. News Flash: Its a bathroom! Did you expect it to smell like roses? Most likely its going to smell like, well, a restroom. So if someone is in there that isn't having the greatest day or is trying to take care of business, don't make them feel any worse. Just go to another floor, or better yet, come back later. And if it really is too much to handle, buy some potpourri spray and knock yourself out! Just do me (and everyone else) a favor and keep your comments to yourself.
   
6. Do not sing in the bathroom. Its just strange and very uncomfortable. Plus it echos, so really, just stop.
   
7. Please don't speak to me while I'm going to the bathroom. Yes, that is me, since you apparently saw my shoes under the door. And no, I don't want to talk to you. I'm PEEING FOR GOD'S SAKE! Can't I just go to the bathroom in peace? Really, I'm just not into this, it kinda grosses me out, so please don't let it happen again.
   
8. If your brush your teeth, rinse our the sink. I'm all about oral hygiene, but there's nothing like a little toothpaste spit in the sink to make you go "Gross!" Seriously, if you brush your teeth at work, is it that hard to just do a little rinse of the sink? Just spit, and rinse, and then swish the water around the sink a little. Viola! All fixed!

Well, that's all I can think of now...I'm sure I'll have more after yet another trip to the bathroom in a few minutes. I swear I drink too much water b/c otherwise I wouldn't have to go half as much as I do!