Seventeen Magazine Called, They Want Me to Stop Subscribing

I made a stark realization the other day. I'm not young anymore. What, you aren't surprised? You shut up!! When I look in the mirror I'm still barely legal. I mean look at that blonde hair (bleached to cover the grays) and those legs (I BodyRock 3x's a week, and run at least 2 or 3x's a week, but its just my youth, I swear!).

So here are my new-found reasons as to why I know I am not in the prime of my youth as I once was.

1. I Cannot Drink More Than 2 Glasses of Wine w/o Getting White-girl Wasted
WTF is going on? I used to drink an entire bottle of wine like it was a liter of water. As if wine was necessary to survive. Now, you get me to finish two glasses I'm feeling great. Get me three or four and I may throw up in the middle of the night (its happened, don't judge me). I plan on working on this problem while I'm in Mexico. I find Mexico is a great place to rememdy such recently accquired short comings.

2. I Get Excited About the Price of Chicken by the Pound
You know you do as well, so don't deny it. This is an actual reality of mine. I even posted a FB status about it. I actually said to Coal Miner, while in the grocery store, that we should really invest in another freezer for the basement so I can take advantage of such great deals. WHO AM I? The me I know would have said we needed to invest in another closet, or convert our office to my dressing room, to take advantage of the Manolo markdowns at Saxs. I'm such a disappointment to myself.

3. I Dream of Pantries, Garages, and Driveways
Who would have thought a walk-in pantry, or even one that had a full door, would be something to cause me to get all giddy inside. I see pictures on Pinterest (you are the devil Pinterest) of fancy pantries and want to cry myself to sleep. And don't forget a garage and a driveway. I just want a driveway to park my car, and a garage to store my shit, is that too much to ask? Well yes actually it is b/c a) why do you have so much shit to store? (answer: b/c I'm old and have had years to accquire a lot of shit), and b) why do you need a driveway? (answer: b/c I'm old and don't like to walk far from my car).

4. Go Out this Friday Night? Stay Up Until 2am? No Thank You!
I cannot go out on the weekends any longer. If you take me to a club I am almost certain I will embarass you with my yawning, irritation at the noise levels, and invasion of personal space. I find myself starting to get cranky around 10:45pm. 10:45pm!! Ummmm I used to not even go out until 10:45pm, on a Wednesday (b/c those were the new Thursdays). Then I would stay out until 5am. These days I have an internal alarm clock that wakes me up each morning at 6:58am. Said alarm clock doesn't care if its a Tuesday or a Sunday. It sucks. And I can't sleep any longer than that unless I force myself to. So yea this 'ole girl won't be heading out to Lima in her body-hugging dress any time in the near future.

5. I Go to Tysons Corner to Go to Arhaus and Z-Gallerie
Really Megan? Really? Those are the most exciting stores? Why yes they are. B/c you know you are a full-fledged grown ass woman when you can't wait to check out the latest ikat curtains, organic bedding, and new throw pillows at your two favorite furniture stores.

6. I Spend My Weekends Running Errands and Hitting Up Lowes
Do I really need to expand on this topic? I used to go to brunch on Saturdays, at like 1, and drink mimosas. Now I'm heading to the cleaners, making returns at Home Goods, and buying stock in Home Depot. God I'd give anything for a mimosa right now.

So there you have it...its not a complete list b/c well that would just be exhausting, but I think you catch my drift. I'm fairly certain you are experiencing some of the same "Holy Shit!" moments. Ahh getting older, its a gem isn't it? Any good "Holy Shit" moments you'd like to share, comments welcome! :)

Don't Stop Get it Get it

True story about the other day at lunch. I went to the cafe that is just a few hundred feet from the office. Turns out it was THE best day that DC has experienced, to date, in 2011. Since it was so amazing outside I decided that I would sit outside and take in the wonderfulness that was 70 degrees before we were hit with some random snow storm (like tonight) b/c this place is reedic when it comes to weather. At any rate, it goes a little something like this.

While waiting in line to order my deliciously over priced $15 salad (there were 2 people in front of me, 4 behind me, and 2 at the cash register) in walks a woman dressed as if its 35 degrees outside. Its 70 degrees outside and she has on snow boots, a North Face jacket, complete with fur trimmed hood, and a scarf. Captain snowstorm walks straight up to the cash register, cutting in front of everyone, and proceeds to order (right after the guy at the register finishes).
Guy in Front of Me: *turns around and looks at me* Unbelievable right?
Me: *Shrug*
Guy Behind Me: Are you going to say something?
Guy in Front of Me: Yea, are you going to say anything?
Me: Who me? Why me?
Guy Behind Me: I can't believe this shit.
Guy in Front of Me: Yea you should say something.
Me:Umm dude who cares? We're going to get our food, I'm certain of that.
Lady two behind guy behind me: Did she cut everyone? Oh my god, how rude!
Me: You guys, it isn't that serious. *laughing*
Everyone: *glaring at me*
*I get to the counter, smile at the woman (who is still waiting for her order), and proceed to order*
Woman at the counter: Did I cut in front of you guys?
Me: Yea, no biggie *smile*
Woman at the counter: Whatever. I don't really care that I cut in front of you. I was just ordering coffee and I'm sure you were ordering a hell of a lot more than that. Am I right?
Me: Alrighty then. Like I said, its really not a big deal. *smile*
Woman at the counter: Well aren't we miss chipper today?
Me: *smiling* Why yes I am! Have a wonderful day and enjoy that coffee ya hear. *smile even bigger*
Woman at the counter: Bitch.

Ohhh Captain Snowstorm, youz a crazy baish. Imma go find a table and act like this never even happened.

*Sitting at my table, enjoying my million dollar salad*

Arabic Woman: Excuse me miss. Are you dining alone?
Me: Yep.
Arabic Woman: Oh great! Would you mind moving to that table over there in the shade so my husband and I can sit in the sun?
Me: *chuckling* Seriously?
Arabic Woman: Well, yes. I mean you are dining alone, what does it matter?
Me: *laughing* Yea I'm not moving, sorry.
Arabic Woman: You really aren't going to move for us?
Me: Nope, sorry.
Arabic Woman: *something in Farsi to her husband* *then under her breath but loud enough for me to hear* Not sure why she is being such a mean woman. Guess its because she's eating by herself. I would be pissed off too. Poor lonely woman.
Me: *smiling* Enjoy your lunch!

Did that bitch seriously just tell me that b/c I was dining alone at lunch I didn't have the same right to eat in the sun as she and her husband? Seriously lady? Seriously? Thanks be to God I have an awesome sense of humor. I literally thought that I might be on an episode of Punk'd or that other show where they test you for 15 minutes to see if you'll explode and then when you don't they give you $100. Sadly, that was not the case. However I sat there and realized I was pretty rad for still smiling, keeping a positive attitude and for not punching those women in their cooters.

Resolve to This Betch

Its that time of year kids. Time to make some resolutions for the new year that you most likely won't stick to, or even remember a month from now, unless you are ME and you have the memory of an elephant (or b/c you blog about it and will NEVER be able to forget as its in writing). So let the games begin for 2011. Please also remember this is the year of my wedding. So I may have to add a few, and/or remove a few, at my leisure b/c this is my blog, my list, and I can do what I want with it.

1. Call my grandmother more. She's getting up there in years and when I left her on the day after Christmas she cried. She never cries. This, to me, was not a good sign. So I'm making sure I give her a call more regularly.

2. Use another word other than f*ck. Yea I know I've said this before, shut the eff up, I'm trying! Jeeze, cut me a break.

3. Renew my gym membership. Probably not at the ole Sport & Health since its a bazillion dollars to hang out in the locker room with old foreign ladies with saggy ta-tas, but maybe at the new Lifetime down the road from us. That place looks chronic! And no, I'm not going to follow this with lose weight, I just need to get back into the gym routine. *aren't you impressed with the non-cliche'ical manner of this resolution?!?!?

4. Run a 1/2 marathon. Ain't no interest in running 26.2 miles. 13.1 miles, piece of cake. Signing-up this week. FACT.

5. Use all of my vacation time. This needs no explanation.

6. Get married. Too easy. HAD to do it. *laughing*

7. Be a better friend/daughter/fiance. I get a little caught up in my world and forget to reach out to my favorite people in the world on a daily/every other day basis. I'm going to try harder lovies.

8. Blog more, bitch less. I just puked a little, so cliche.

9. Buy more lottery tickets when the jackpot is HUGEMONGOUS. Please tell me you know why I need to do said resolution.
10. Less email/text, more phone/voice. I love email/texting, I hate actually speaking over the phone. Those of you who know me, know this. I'll try but I'm not promising a thing. *duly noted*

11. Less ME, more you. Ahhh yes I can totally talk about me for days. Maybe I should talk a little less about me and more about you. Sorry 'bout that if it was happening as much as I think it might have been happening. SMDH.

12. Enjoy planning my wedding. I don't need to stress about it, I need to savor every moment. I must, must, make sure I do as its going to fly by.

13. Live in the moment. I'm a planner, perhaps I could do one or two unplanned things this year?!?! :) *cliche, I'm puking again*

14. Make a bucket list of 100 things I want to do before I'm 50. Soooo much fun, must do.

15. Get outta town. No but like by get outta town I mean leave the country. I haven't left in over a year and I'm getting an itch to bust a move.

....I'm sure I'll be adding more. So many things to do, so little time.