Seventeen Magazine Called, They Want Me to Stop Subscribing

I made a stark realization the other day. I'm not young anymore. What, you aren't surprised? You shut up!! When I look in the mirror I'm still barely legal. I mean look at that blonde hair (bleached to cover the grays) and those legs (I BodyRock 3x's a week, and run at least 2 or 3x's a week, but its just my youth, I swear!).

So here are my new-found reasons as to why I know I am not in the prime of my youth as I once was.

1. I Cannot Drink More Than 2 Glasses of Wine w/o Getting White-girl Wasted
WTF is going on? I used to drink an entire bottle of wine like it was a liter of water. As if wine was necessary to survive. Now, you get me to finish two glasses I'm feeling great. Get me three or four and I may throw up in the middle of the night (its happened, don't judge me). I plan on working on this problem while I'm in Mexico. I find Mexico is a great place to rememdy such recently accquired short comings.

2. I Get Excited About the Price of Chicken by the Pound
You know you do as well, so don't deny it. This is an actual reality of mine. I even posted a FB status about it. I actually said to Coal Miner, while in the grocery store, that we should really invest in another freezer for the basement so I can take advantage of such great deals. WHO AM I? The me I know would have said we needed to invest in another closet, or convert our office to my dressing room, to take advantage of the Manolo markdowns at Saxs. I'm such a disappointment to myself.

3. I Dream of Pantries, Garages, and Driveways
Who would have thought a walk-in pantry, or even one that had a full door, would be something to cause me to get all giddy inside. I see pictures on Pinterest (you are the devil Pinterest) of fancy pantries and want to cry myself to sleep. And don't forget a garage and a driveway. I just want a driveway to park my car, and a garage to store my shit, is that too much to ask? Well yes actually it is b/c a) why do you have so much shit to store? (answer: b/c I'm old and have had years to accquire a lot of shit), and b) why do you need a driveway? (answer: b/c I'm old and don't like to walk far from my car).

4. Go Out this Friday Night? Stay Up Until 2am? No Thank You!
I cannot go out on the weekends any longer. If you take me to a club I am almost certain I will embarass you with my yawning, irritation at the noise levels, and invasion of personal space. I find myself starting to get cranky around 10:45pm. 10:45pm!! Ummmm I used to not even go out until 10:45pm, on a Wednesday (b/c those were the new Thursdays). Then I would stay out until 5am. These days I have an internal alarm clock that wakes me up each morning at 6:58am. Said alarm clock doesn't care if its a Tuesday or a Sunday. It sucks. And I can't sleep any longer than that unless I force myself to. So yea this 'ole girl won't be heading out to Lima in her body-hugging dress any time in the near future.

5. I Go to Tysons Corner to Go to Arhaus and Z-Gallerie
Really Megan? Really? Those are the most exciting stores? Why yes they are. B/c you know you are a full-fledged grown ass woman when you can't wait to check out the latest ikat curtains, organic bedding, and new throw pillows at your two favorite furniture stores.

6. I Spend My Weekends Running Errands and Hitting Up Lowes
Do I really need to expand on this topic? I used to go to brunch on Saturdays, at like 1, and drink mimosas. Now I'm heading to the cleaners, making returns at Home Goods, and buying stock in Home Depot. God I'd give anything for a mimosa right now.

So there you have it...its not a complete list b/c well that would just be exhausting, but I think you catch my drift. I'm fairly certain you are experiencing some of the same "Holy Shit!" moments. Ahh getting older, its a gem isn't it? Any good "Holy Shit" moments you'd like to share, comments welcome! :)

I Don't Usually Do the Political Thing But....

I work for a large financial company here in DC. We have seen our fair share of turbulent times (and recently requested a little more assistance from the government). I started working on a gov't sponsored program almost three years ago spearheaded by the current Administration. I've burned the midnight oil, sat through countless 6-hour long meetings, crunched numbers, brought new ideas to the table, and watched many many people come and go on both our side and the govie side.

This program is set to come to a close with the end of the current Administration. Its been labeled a failure for various reasons. Its been said it hasn't helped enough people. Even though our current administration pulled a number out of their hat regarding its potential reach when it was initially started. It should be noted though that its currently its helped over 1M Americans. Its been said its too difficult for the intended organizations to participate, too much red tape. Meanwhile the administration continues to write new lengthy guidance that pushes those same organizations further and further away. Its been said the organizations that do participate don't do so in a compliant manner. Yet no restrictions or consequences occur or are enforced if the organizations aren't compliant.

A lot has been said, mostly bad, but not many good stories and it leaves me wondering: Why would an Administration fail to highlight the positive pieces of such an expensive and fairly successful program? Why don't they advertise outreach events to help struggling Americans in their communities? Why don't they change the way they've been doing things, in this program, if they aren't working? Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same failed exercises over and over again.

We're coming up on the next election - even though its a year away and it disgusts me that focus has shifted from fixing this huge broken machine to selecting who the next well polished, tv-ready, male will be running our country. No one has a solid housing platform. Have you noticed? If you haven't yet, just look through their "stance" on housing....I'm waiting...find anything? Didn't think so. Not only do they not have a solid housing platform, they don't' really have any platforms. I can name one candidate, regardless of my political affiliation who actually has "plans" for anything related to our failing nation at this point: Ron Paul. The rest of them, they just read from cue cards. And our President isn't exempt from this either.

I'm surprised by this man who had the world, not just American, wrapped around his pinkie. He was naive, I get that. Maybe we all were. But I really believed he could make some things happen in this nation that no one had ever accomplished before. I was wrong, so was he, but I thought anything was possible in this great nation, b/c that's what I was taught.

I sit here each day and read the headlines and shake my head too often to count. Do me a favor readers, regardless of which party you affiliate yourself (To be honest, I don't even know how you could affiliate yourself with one side at this point. We, as a country, have moved beyond the confines of Red or Blue in my opinion.), really take a look at where we are going, what these politicians are saying, their past performance, and where they plan to take this great nation. I think if you do, you'll be shocked to learn they haven't said anything of worth, they haven't done anything spectacular in the past, and they really don't have a plan for our country. I think you'll find yourself scared for the future....and you should be.

Apparently My Pubes Are So 1998

WARNING: If you do not want to read about my pubes, do not continue reading. You have been warned.

So I was listening to the radio on the way to work the other morning. Yes, I still listen to good ole' FM morning radio. I prefer to listen to the same 10 songs in rotation for free as opposed to paying to hear the same 10 songs over and over and over again. I don't know why I prefer the free route, I just do. Crazy right?

At any rate, I was listening to a popular morning radio show and they were discussing grooming for women and men. The started going through a list of "musts" for women and, of course, the show hosts were weighing in on the list of musts. They came upon the always popular topic of women's pubic hair.

I've always been a strong supporter of female grooming. Mostly b/c women don't really need that hair any longer. It was there to protect us from germs and infection prior to the creation of soap and the daily ritual of showering. That being said, goodbye pubes.

In college my suite mates and I decided to get rid of it all. The term "shaved kitten" became a running joke in our suite. But honestly, getting rid of it all is tremendously time consuming and irritating. Literally, irritating. It ain't pretty, its prickly, and ends up not hot at all. instead it looks like you have chicken pox. Foul.

So I stumbled upon the landing strip. Ahhh the landing strip. It leads the guy right into the homeland. I've been sporting it ever since. So while listening to this morning show the female host (who is about 25) says "Oh my God! The landing strip is so 1998. Its all about the pube cube now!" Doooo what? The pube cube? And how dare that bish call out 1998. 1998 was a great year! I graduated from high school and started college in 1998. Back the eff up youngin!

So I, being the inquisitive gal that I am began to google the term pube cube. It originally is from a chick who shaved and dyed her pubes to look like a rubix cube. Originally coined a pubix cube. Emmm no thank you. I'd rather not dye anything down there. I'm already dying my hair on my head (which is a 6 hour process). And its already a lot of work shaving 75% of my entire body, so getting my pubes dyed is last on the list.

However, I'm more than happy to try something new. And I clearly don't want Coal Miner to be out on the prowl for some up to date pubes. So I did it. Emmm its the landing strip, just shorter, like a cube. SMDH.

I'm Terrified For Our Child

No, I'm not pregnant, but I always have the best discussions with Coal Miner about our future family. Last night was a prime example.

Coal Miner: Last time I was at his [his best friend] house that fucker [his bf's baby] cried the entire time. He was a pain in the ass.
Me: Umm wasn't he like a month or two old?
CM: Yea, so?
Me: So that's what babies do, they cry.
CM: Why? That's stupid. Do they all cry? Why do they cry? Do you think ours will cry?
Me: Yes, I do think ours will cry.
CM: Fuck that. Why is it going to cry? Kids are pain.
Me: B/c CM, that's how babies tell you when they are hungry, in pain, tired, want attention. Basically crying is how they tell you everything b/c they cant' talk.
CM: I hope our fucker doesn't cry.
Me: Can you please stop calling our unborn, not even created yet, child a fucker?
*without skipping a beat*
CM: OH! Did you know that babies don't drink water? How weird is that?
Me: Yes I did know that. And its not weird, they get all the water they need from milk & formula or breast feeding.
CM: Whaaaa? I get thirsty and I need water. So I think its weird that these babies don't get thirsty either.
Me: They do get thirsty. You give them milk.
CM: That's fucking weird. Why don't you give them water?
Me: B/c you're not supposed to CM. Like I said, if the baby is thirst, you give them milk or formula.
CM: If I was a baby, I'd be pissed. I mean I have like a steak and a potato and I need water to wash it down. Or I work out and I need water b/c I'm thirsty.
Me: Babies don't eat solid food or workout.
CM: Its still weird. I bet babies are really thirsty and need water.

So you all see what I'm dealing with right? And these are dead serious conversations. DEAD SERIOUS. My poor unborn, not even created yet, child. Pray for it. Pray hard.

You're a Skank. True Story, Based on Facts.

Coal Miner and I just got back from our honeymoon.  Yea, I got married up while I've been on this little blog hiatus.  It was pretty awesome.  We were in Cabo.  I'd like to go back.  Like now.  But I guess I need to work to pay the bills to go back to Cabo huh? 

At any rate, while we were honeymooning we had some of the best discussions.  One of my favorites was about his time as a single guy and how the ladies he met behaved within the first 4 hours of meeting him. 

I hear time and time again that ladies in the DC area can't figure out why they can't find a good guy or why they are still single.  After listening to Coal Miner's stories (and a new little gem of a story from one of his friends this weekend) it really isn't all that hard to understand.  Young women these days are a skank fest.  Let's begin with some examples (you KNOW I love providing real life examples). 

Coal Miner used to frequent Union Jacks in ARL quite often.  Apparently this place has been dubbed "the bar to find whores" (dubbed by me of course) due to the numerous stories I've been told about ladies shamelessly throwing themselves at men.

For instance, Coal Miner informed me that one time, while standing at the bar, minding his own business, a young lady walked up to him and grabbed his junk.  She stood there with her hand over his junk, and asked him if he was going to buy her a drink.  She then proceeded to rub his junk while she drank her beer and then asked Coal Miner if he was planning to take her home or what.  He, of course, could not refuse such an easy offer so he obliged, took the young lady home, did the deed, and left.  Wow.

Another story I was told was from this weekend.  One of Coal Miner's friends was at Union Jacks (surprise!) and a young lady started chatting it up with him.  She was all flirty and rubby McRubberson, dirty dancing, getting wasted, you know the deal.  Then she introduced him to her roommate.  Her roommate began to get tipsy and rub his friends junk and look over at her roommate and make all "yay" type faces.  He was convinced he was getting a menag out of the situation.  Closing time - the first girl invites him back to their place.  He does the deed with the first girl, while the other girl is in the shower.  He then exits the apartment, gets downstairs, and the other girl yells out the window for him to come back upstairs.  When he does, she is there, naked, hops on him and starts making out with him, giving him a handy, doing a beejee.  Wow.

So ladies, let me just give you a quick tip from the non-whore handbook.  If you really do want to find someone to be with, and aren't interested in being a skank, stop acting like a skank.  Stop sleeping with guys within the first 4 hours of meeting them.  Stop giving them bj's within the first 4 hours of meeting them.  For God's sake just stop!  You give all of us a bad name.  And quite honestly I would have no interest in having a relationship with you if you blew me on the first date or had sex with me on the first date.  Stop being a skank and you may just find that guys want you even more.  Worked on Coal Miner, and from what I hear, works on most other guys as well.  True story, based on facts.

My Frog Loves Your Ladybug

I went to a very small college in Southern Virginia. Its actually a university now, but that's neither here nor there, its a college in my mind. Always has been, always will be. Did you know they changed it to "Small University" my senior year and actually provided you the choice to have a diploma with either "Small College" or "Small University", or both, listed? Bizarre if you ask me. I didn't go to a University for four years, I went to a college. Why in the world would I change that now? I guess some ahole thought it would make them feel like they had a bigger pair if they went to a University as opposed to a College, but I just feel like it was a tad misleading and perhaps a little fraudulent that calendar year. Anyhoo, that wasn't supposed to be the subject matter of said post. I wanted to inform everyone from my small college that we aren't in college anymore. Mostly I'm talking to you sorority girls out there.

See at my small college if you weren't in a sorority or fraternity, you weren't getting into parties (unless someone like me snuck you in), you probably weren't going to have a ton of friends (so not true), you probably weren't cool (again, not true you were probably cooler), and you definitely had like an 11th toe or a third eye and some sort of fungal growth. This was the general consensus from the Greeks regarding individuals who decided to go the non-greek route. I didn't believe this to be true and actually a times envied my friends who decided the whole sorority thing wasn't their cup o' tea. Don't get me wrong, I love my sorority. I love my sorority sisters. Hands down, those were some of the best days of my life. I still keep in touch with a ton of them and wish we could head to the Dhall together for dinner on Wednesday nights. Great girls, who taught me wonderful lessons, and have turned into amazing women. I love them. Always will. Hands. Down.

But (you knew this was coming) there are some ladies who are in my sorority and other sororities that are total wacky bejackys. These chicks put that movie "Mean Girls" to shame. They actually STILL put that movie to shame. They talk smiggty smack on Facebook about girls in our own sorority and in other sororities, they still get caught up in who is talking to who (and *gasp* How could they? They are in a different sorority! The horror!!), they apparently have a problem with me associating myself with members of other sororities (*gasp* THE HORROR!), and they have gab sessions with their friends often about these little mishaps. UNBELIEVABLE.

Seriously ladies? Really? Because last time I checked, we were in our 30s. I ain't got no kinda time outside of my rockin' ass job, wedding planning, and amazing life to care what sorority someone was in while they were in college, 10 years ago. And if you do...*shaking my head trying to think of something not turrible to say*...well bless your heart. Do you need a hobby? Maybe you could start knitting, and then poke your own eye out. Or maybe you could start running, and hit a pot hole. Or maybe you could pick up, I'm really out of ideas. I don't know. FIND SOMETHING. Maybe you just need Jesus in your life. That might actually be the solution. Because Jesus doesn't take kindly to people getting pissed off at other people hanging out with other people in different sororities. Did that sentence even make any sense? I don't care, it made sense when I typed it and its staying so get over it you grammar freaks (as I cringe and try desperately to stop my hands from rewording the sentence). At any rate, the jig is up. Yes, it was cool in 1998. Yes, its a life long commitment. Yes, I love my pledge sisters. Yes, I love my sorority sisters. Yes, I'm proud I was in a sorority. Yes, its opened doors for me. No, I don't care that you were in a different sorority. No, I don't think differently of you b/c you chose to take a different route than I did. No, I don't care that my kid will most likely wear bunnies, ladybugs, alligators, and every color in the rainbow. I'm too old for that shit and, newsflash, so are you!

Big ups to my ladybug inspiration for this post.

I Don't Usually Do This, But...

I'm here to discuss something very important. Its a subject that is near and dear to me. Its personal. Its important. Its no laughing matter, that's for sure. Its my hair. Its turning gray. Now for those of you who just gasped and said "it couldn't be! you are too young for that!" you are correct, I am. I'm very young. I'm barely legal. I find myself looking in the mirror on a daily basis and thinking to myself "you are one hot young thang lady." And then I see my hair. I shake my head in disbelief and I continue on with my day. With that nagging notion in the back of my mind, tearing at my heart strings. How in the hell am I going gray?

Seriously, this is a serious question. At what age did you start going gray? Because my mother started going gray at the age of 40'something. That's bullshit. I haven't even had a child yet. I'm not even married yet. I swear to the heavens above it is THIS JOB that is making me go gray. Is that even possible? That a job and stress can make you go gray? I'm looking for someone or something to blame b/c homegurl ain't happy about the recent set of events. Let me lay this out for you.

I notice about 2 months ago that I had some gray hair. No biggie maybe a few strands, I can deal with that right? But mostly it was really blonde hair that I was seeing. It was summer, the sun bleaches me out every year, whatevs, Nothing to get all worked up about. Then about a month ago I noticed that it might be possible that those reaaaaallly blonde hairs were in fact gray. So I peered into the mirror one sunny morning and pulled one (read 10+) out just to check, and double check, and triple check. They were in fact...gray. Hmmm that's weird. But still, not terrible. Then it happened. About a week ago, Coal Miner says to me "Baby, you've got A LOT of gray hair. When are you going to call Cornholio (my stylist) to get fix that?"
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Yea that's me pausing and preventing myself from launching across the the front seat of the car to rip Coal Miner's jugular out. I respond so pleasantly HE'S IN FUCKING LONDON OKAY? YOU THINK I HAVEN'T NOTICED MY GRAY HAIR? SIT AND SPIN ASSHOLE!

This morning, this morning was bad *shaking my head*. I looked in the mirror and it is quite possible that the entire portion of my non-bleached roots are going gray. I really don't know what to do, besides the obvious which is dye dye dye (I sound like the Republicans "Drill drill drill"). I just can't come to grips with this...its to early...its to soon...its not right...its...its...the end of an era. Gone are the days of dying my hair for fun, and just b/c I could. Here are the days of dying my hair to cover my gray. What a sad, sad day indeed. Screw you aging, you suck serious donkey nuts. *as I flip my hair to one side hoping no one sees that tinge of gray in my side part*

I Just Don't Belong

Yesterday I attended two baby showers. Both for long time friends, happily married, one planned, one not so planned but still welcomed. The first shower was a bit uncomfortable as I haven't seen the mother-to-be in a while. But it wasn't b/c of her. She and I can see each other once a year and it feels like it was yesterday. It was more the people in attendance. There were a group of ladies sitting with her and I didn't know a one of them. To be honest I only knew her childhood best friend, her sister, and her mother. Now keep in mind there were about 50+ people there. So anyway these ladies were all about my age, but didn't even say hi to me when I introduced myself. I thought maybe she had said something about me, but then I realized it wasn't me, it was what I represented. I was single, young, skinny, and the words marriage and children never escaped my mouth. I think they may have resented me, or, well...I don't know. So off from that shower to another shower I went.

When I arrived at the second shower again I didn't know anyone but the mother-to-be (she moved about a year ago), her sister, and her mother. But the mom-to-be is my lovie and after 10 seconds it felt like I just saw her last week. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but then I met another young lady like myself who didn't really know anyone. So we started chatting and she said something that rang very true with me. We were just talking about the shower and our plans and she says "I'm just not prepared for this, are you?" I chuckled b/c of course I'm not, and I told her that this is about the third time I've had this conversation at a baby shower. So she continues to say "So, is it strange for you?" And I think I said something I've been thinking but never really said out loud. I told her "Its hard because you look around and you realize you just aren't in this stage in your life, you may not be for a while, and you truly just don't belong. But I've been trying really hard to stay good friends and understand their new lives. I'm just not sure they understand my life just isn't the same as theirs. Its really easy to see why people grow apart as the years go on. But please do not feel like you are taking too long or you are missing out, b/c you aren't. We are both just fine, its just that we are on a little bit of a different plan than they are. Take your time, there's no rush!" She smiled, said "Yea, you are right! There is no rush and I don't need to be married or have a child to feel complete!" I smiled, and said "Exactly" then we continue to play "Baby Shower Bingo" and smiled at each other when everyone ooo'ed and ahhh'ed at the gifts that were given because we had no idea why you would be so excited about them.

The 2007 Funk

So, I'm in a funk. I've actually been in a funk for a while (hence the headline) and I can't seem to get myself out of it. My roommate noticed, and called me out on it, my family noticed, and called me out on it, and today my boyfriend noticed, and called me out on it. I'm not the same as I used to be. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders at all times and I'm starting to wonder if its just me...am I making things way more complicated than they need to be? Maybe I just think too much? Maybe I'm over thinking? Maybe, I just need to make some decisions...maybe, all of these maybes could just take a hike for a day or two?!?!

Sadly, gone are the days where I could just blow it all off, have a drink and wait for the next day to arrive. Unfortunately for me, I'm just too grown up for that. But maybe I'm too grownup. I mean everyone around me is so grownup that I've forced myself to become this aging woman. But I'm only 27! No I hear you, its really not that young...believe me, I know. But I just wonder, what if I decided to tell my funk to take a hike. If I told everyone that questions my every move to go take a hike, what if I just said fug it and lived my life by the day and not by the calendar? Would that make it better? I find it highly unlikely.

See, I'm a worrier....my mother is a worrier and its one of the traits I inherited from her. I worry about everything, especially about death. I mean what if I die tomorrow, who will come to my funeral? Believe it or not, I've actually made a list of the individuals I feel would attend (guess what, if you aren't on that list we probably haven't spoken in a while, lol). Isn't that sick? But its real...I'm worried about my job, about my relationship, about my friendships, about my skin, about my clothes, my bank account, my car, my hair, my weight, my parents, my grandmother, my family's health, freak accidents, YOU NAME IT I'M WORRIED ABOUT IT!

But I realize you can't go through your life worrying, so tonight, after a lot of crying and a little bit of Britney Spears (and her very timid comeback) I realized I HAVE to get out of this funk! And the only way I'm going to do it is if I stop worrying about what everyone else thinks, about my next move, about my career, about EVERYTHING and just live. I'm just going to seriously L-I-V-E. But I'm forewarning you, I'm pretty sure "just living" involves a little sky diving!!!