Woah Horsey!

I think everyone has days that you wish would just end right? Like Mondays. Most Mondays are horrid. They drag ass. They are a reminder of why you wish you were a self-made millionaire or maybe just a heir to someones fortune. The bring the constant reminder that you will always be tied to a desk. Sigh. But today, I had a moment. A moment where I started realizing I was wishing my days away. I wish away the week so I can get to the weekend. But in the process of doing that I'm wishing my life away. Each night Coal Miner and I get about 2 - 3 hours together. Then its time to hit the sack and do it all again. I spend most of my days commuting to/from my office and working my tail off while I'm there. While that isn't the ideal scenario, I shouldn't be wishing my days away. What if something terrible were to happen tomorrow? What if I never got that day back? I notice each day a new gray hair, another line in my face, an extra pound I can't explain. I'm getting older. And that's a hard pill to swallow.

I don't want to get to get older. I don't want gray hair. I don't want sagging skin. I don't want to be old. I was at CVS on Thursday and an elderly man was picking up his prescriptions. He could barely walk, was hunched over, had a brown bag filled with multiple prescriptions, he looked miserable. I don't want that for myself or for anyone I love. Getting older sucks. And here I am wishing all of my days away and getting older each time I wish one of them gone.

Do you wish your days away? I think most people are guilty of that. I realize when people tell me "You two have a whole lifetime together" that we do, but what if we don't? What if its all taken from me and I didn't do my damnedest to make sure I reveled in every moment of it? I wonder if maybe I chose a path for myself that I can't escape. The money, the cars, the house, the nice things. While I say I'd be happier with a simpler life, would I? Or would I long for all these "things" once I gave them up?

I know I'm young enough that I can stop at any moment. I can say feck it and move where ever I want. Yes, there are going to be consequences, some that aren't going to be pleasant, but that option is always there. Am I afraid of doing that? Am I afraid of not having these things?

All I know is I can't wish my days away any longer. And I want you to be sure you don't either.

Yes I Work From Home, No Its Not a Vacation

I just started working from home (WFH) on Mondays and Fridays. As all of you know I was at my wit's end at the paycheck place and asked if it would be possible to get some of my sanity back by not losing 3 hours of my daily life and the ability to go running before 9pm, just two days out of the week. They very graciously agreed and I will forever be thankful.

Recently I've noticed when I speak to people on the days I'm working from home, or just in passing when I mention working from home, they get very snarky. They make comments like "oh that must be nice" or "wow someone owed you a favor huh?" Yeaaa, about that. Listen, I know working from home probably sounds like some sort of spa treatment. Like I get to sit on my couch, in my PJs, watching Oprah, meanwhile acting like I'm working. Does that accurately describe what you were thinking? Well I don't know about you, but I've never had a relaxing day where you begin working at 7:30am, are on conference calls until 3:30, shower at 4pm, and then finish up your day at 7/8pm. Have you been to a spa like that recently? Sounds dreamy huh? Yea I didn't think so.

Realize there are two types of people in this world. Personality A (not to be confused with Type A) = The ones who you would never entrust with working from home. They are incapable of not turning on the television. They run errands while on conference calls instead of actively listening. Their kids are constantly in the background having conversations with them while they "attend" your meeting via phone. They sign on at 9am, and sign off at 4:30pm, meanwhile being "idle" on IM most of the day. Seems like I have experience with these types of people huh? Personality B = The machines. They sign-on early morning and work straight through the day. They usually pull 12+ hour days and feel bad even venturing to their kitchen to grab a drink, let alone some food for lunch. They forward their desk phone to their personal line and always answer, until 6 or 7 pm. Without interruptions they can produce more work than one single human should during a workday. As if you didn't already gather, I am Personality B.

This means, unlike Personality A, I'm not having a grand old time sitting at home, doing some laundry, fixing dinner, cleaning up the house, going out for a run. I'm working. Probably working harder than I do at work. I'm still working when Coal Miner walks in the front door. My phone rings until 6/7 at night. I still answer "Paycheck Place, this is Me". And then when that stops ringing, my blackberry starts.

So next time you think to yourself "Oh THAT must be nice" when someone mentions working at home, think about me. And realize going to work is probably a lot easier and the toilets have auto-flush.

I am the CEO of Myself

Coal Miner and I went snowboarding this weekend in Canaan. We drove through a snowstorm to get there at 2:00am. That was super fabulous and we drove through some seriously creepy WV towns, which always makes me giddy. We slept in a double-bed together, we spent all days on the slopes, it was snowing, it was lovely. We spent time with his parents, one-on-one, we ate, we drank, we laughed, we seriously enjoyed each others' company. But during the long weekend I had some serious conversations internally, as well as with Coal Miner and his family. And now the background on the serious discussions. On Friday morning my blackberry started ringing, at 7:50am. It continued throughout the day. Mind you, I didn't answer the phone, and I only read 50 emails, at 9am, and then didn't pick it up again. I had an out of office on, and I also sent an email out prior to my departure on Thursday evening that I would not be in the office on Friday. I provided individuals to contact in case of emergency and let everyone know I would be back on Monday.

Before I left on Thursday my director said to me, and I quote "You can't leave! What are we supposed to do? Do you think everything will be okay? I can't believe I accepted your vacation request!!" Those exclamation points are not an exaggeration. I laughed, b/c that's funny right? The sad thing is, she was serious. The voice mail from Friday morning said, and I quote "I saw that you were out of office. But I'm going to need you to call me asap and handle my questions I've posed in the email I sent you." The next one, from later in the morning said "I saw you were out of office, but I thought you could give me a call and we could discuss the communication plan in more detail before close of business today." There are more emails/phone calls stating the same type of "urgent, urgent, stop what you are doing" message.

After I read my 50 emails I was in a terrible mood. As usual, the content of those emails caused my blood to boil. Coal Miner noticed my mood. He was frustrated with both me and with the fact that the paycheck place can't seem to operate efficiently unless I'm involved. I was almost afraid he was going to storm out if I answered the phone or I looked at my phone one more time that morning.

At dinner I told Coal Miner's dad about the incident. He sat perplexed and pondered my situation. He's such a knowledgeable and accomplished man whom I respect and look to for guidance on my career. He told me that as President of his company he expects people to call him and for him to be accountable. But for me, he doesn't quite get it. I don't either. I'm not the CEO, hell I'm not even a Director. Its a great problem to have, I know that and perhaps I shouldn't complain. I know everyone is probably sick of reading these posts, and sick of hearing about my job and all of the annoyance that is part of my daily life. So you'll be happy to read my next sentence. I made a decision that if everything works out the way I'm hoping, I'm cutting myself lose from the paycheck place.

Its not going to get any better. There is never a good time to leave your job. I'm always going to be giving up some form of compensation no matter when I leave. So why not seize the opportunity in front of you. Find a new niche. Get in a new company. Find your inner piece. I decided since I wasn't the CEO of the Paycheck Place and couldn't solve any of their problems, I would be the CEO of Me. And with that new distinction I'm making my first big decision...I'm leaving.

WHAM Did Tell Me: That's what you get

I was recently promoted at work. I have a whole team working for me now. I report up to a Director who reports directly into the SVP. I talk to the SVP daily. I'm moving up the food chain. I've been doing it for years. It's the reason I've spent so many hours at my desk, after they turn the ac/heat off at night, and I'm the last car in the garage. It's what I wanted. So why now, after I'm getting what I want, do I not want it anymore. I find myself most mornings longing to stay home, go for a run, pick up the house, and fix dinner for Coal Miner. Am I having the 5 year itch at work? Am I starting to realize perhaps being the SVP isn't exactly what I thought it would be?

Don't get me wrong, I like the fact that I've made a name for myself. I've built a little empire, all by myself, without any advocates at work. I ensured that I attended the right meetings with the "big guns", I went to those Happy Hours, I was adamant about my promotion, my ability to run a team and manage a multi-million dollar project at the same time. I was and am a superstar at work. I know it, everyone else knows it as well, its not a secret. So what's going on? What happened? Am I burnt out at the age of 30? That can't be. I'm too young for that. Have my priorities changed? Or am I just trying to do too much? I've come to the conclusion its the later.

Most days I find myself sitting at my desk, head swirling, thinking "how on earth am I going to get all of this done?" I need to ask for help. I need to start delegating. I need to slow down. I'm doing way too much, way too fast, and putting unrealistic deadlines on myself. Why do I need to be a VP by 40? Seriously, why? What does that prove? Why do I "need" that title? Yes, I get it, I want to be important. Hell my whole generation wants the same thing. We were brought up to believe that you need titles, cars, houses, things, etc. to be important. But what if I just want a simpler life. I like nice things, but I don't need them to be happy. I like money, but...I can't say what I just said about money. I don't know that I need it to be happy, but I do know that I need it to feel okay.

I grew up watching my parents live paycheck to paycheck. Wanting more than what they had. Juggling which bills to pay to ensure that our electricity stayed on and we could still charge groceries to the credit card. They refinanced their house multiple times. My mother worked two to three jobs at a time. She was exhausted. She was never around. Neither was my dad. And it wasn't their fault. They came to what they could, they were home when they were needed, they were always there when I needed them. It didn't take anything away from my parent's parenting skills or my childhood. It was an amazing childhood (almost storybook if you don't count what I just told you). BUT, I don't want that for myself. I don't want that for my family. I don't want my little girls (if I have them) to have a memory of me sitting at the kitchen table crying trying to figure out when the last possible moment is to pay this bill or that bill. Or hear me say to my mom on the phone "We are in the red again." They didn't think we knew. We did. So, after psychoanalyzing the shit out of myself, I know why I "need" money. I know why it makes me feel safe. And I know why I feel like I have to die trying to earn as much of it as possible. But still, I long for a simpler life. I long for a slower life. I long to enjoy my days, each of them, instead of wishing them away. I yearn for less traffic and more "us" time. I just need to find a way to feel safe and at ease. Got any grand ideas?