My Dad is Amusing

I just got off the phone with my mother and she told me a great story about my father.  I had to share.  The man is just too amusing sometimes.

My mother walks in the house last night and my father is wandering around turning on all the Christmas lights in the windows.  She says he stops and says...

My Dad:  The litter box was awful when I came in.  Just filled with crap.  I had to change it out, just too much.
My Mother:  Oh, geeze.  Thanks for doing that though!
My Dad:  Yea, no biggie.  I'm going to turn the rest of these lights on.

So he goes about doing so and then stops in the hallway and looks at her....

My Dad:  I've gotta find that bag of crap.
My Mom:  What?
My Dad:  I cleaned out the cat crap and then I started turning on the lights.  I had the bag of crap in my hand, but now I don't know what I did with it.  Its got to be in this house somewhere.
My Mom:  You lost the bag of cat crap?!?!
My Dad:  I sure did.  I've gotta find that bag of crap!  Do you smell it anywhere?
My Mom:  *laughing hysterically at this point*  No, I don't smell the crap anywhere.
My Dad:  Dadblammit, how did I lose a big gray bag of cat shit?!?!

Needless to say, my father found the bag in one of the bedrooms.  He had apparently put it down when turning on the lights in the windows.  Ahhh, my father.  I love the man!!

Families are a Shit Show [Wedding Rant]

I've been planning a wedding if I haven't mentioned it 400 times. Want to know my biggest stress? Family. On both sides. If it ain't one thing its another. I love them dearly, but they are driving my ass insane. I'm a pretty laid back chick...laid back has now taken a back seat to bitchy chick. My blog is my only place to openly vent. So if you find yourself saying "hmmm is she talking about me here?" well I probably am, but don't take offense! If I didn't love you, I wouldn't talk about you. Smoochie Poochie, loves and hugs!!!! <-- just preparing you in case I offend you...

Why is it so hard to mail back an RSVP that was already addressed and stamped for you? I mean I gave you the envelope, with my address printed on it and a stamp. Additionally I gave you a nifty card to check yes or no as to whether or not you'd be attending the festivities. That seems fairly simple to me. If I get one more phone call that says "So and so is coming to the wedding. We just spoke to them on the phone." Ohhh really? You spoke to them on the phone and they confirmed their attendance did they? Could that be because its awkward to be on the phone with someone who is related to you and say "Why actually I don't really feel like driving 5 hours to see your kid get married. I'm really not all that interested."? I think that might be part of it. While you were talking to them did you happen to ask them why they were so busy and couldn't mail back that crazy simple RSVP?

This is me and Coal Miner's wedding. Its not a party. Also, in case you forgot, we're paying for this "party." This better be one great ferkin party b/c its the most expensive party I've ever hosted in my life (and probably will ever host). I mean this "party" is costing us more than the average American makes in one year. Sweet mother of all things holy!!! So stop inviting people we've never heard of, who are twice removed on the third side of the family, and who I haven't seen in 10 years b/c they fail to keep in touch with our family. That's another head count I could really do without paying for, jussayin.

I like my centerpieces. I really don't give a shit that you went to a wedding two weeks ago and they had the most amazing centerpieces. I saw a picture and I thought they were fuktarded. I'm sorry, I did. It ain't my steeze. So, stop bringing it up. And quite frankly it pretty much looks like every other wedding I've been to, and if you haven't notice I haven't exactly been planning/decorating my wedding like every other wedding you've attended. Additionally, I don't have an extra $2,000 to spend on flowers mostly b/c I'm already spending enough on stupid flowers that die the next day. And lastly, I have pretty awesome taste when it comes to decorating (you mention this to me each time you enter my home) so trust me, its going to look good even if you "can't really visualize what it is I am [you are] trying to accomplish."

I don't have the day-of agenda yet. My wedding is 37 days away. I really haven't quite had the chance to sit down and write an agenda for you yet. Don't worry, I will. But at 37 days I'm really trying to focus on getting everything together (meaning decorations and last minute preparation) before I have a nervous breakdown. So if you ask me one more time what time you have to be there, I'm going to kick you in your shins. Let's just plan on reserving those two days. Is that too much to ask?

Please don't be psycho, that's reserved for me as the bride. I thought I was the one who was supposed to go all postal on people during this time. Not anyone else from the family. WTF? Who gave you the green light to get all frak nasty and spew venom on a weekly basis? You chill the eff out, ain't no one here gonna get frak nasty except me. YOU HEAR THAT? Simma down now.

Just buy the shoes. I'm sorry you don't really wear 4 inch heels. Its for like 2 hours and I'm giving you flip flops. Deal with it. Plus you really should start wearing heels. They make your legs look sexy and we are fairly short people so they give us a little edge in the height department. Additionally women who wear big ass heels are also seen as power figures. So really, I'm doing you a favor. (you like that spin I just threw on that? BOOM!)

Word to the wise, should you be planning a wedding anytime soon (and I know a lot of you ladies are), prepare thyself for the family drama. Also, hire a wedding planner and have a destination wedding. Make your life easier and then let me live vicariously through you. Done and done.

Just Call Me the Purger

I'm not sure what happened to me but for those of you who knew me as a child and teenager I was messy. So messy in fact that I would have copious amounts of crap on my bed so I would make a spot for myself on the floor, and sleep there. It was ridiculous and I'm stunned my family allowed me participate in such ridiculous behavior. Actually I'm not all that stunned now that I know what I know. While I was in college I had to live in 400 square feet with two other people. I quickly realized that being messy was a bitch, it just couldn't happen, and if you were messy we were going to have prollll'lems. So I became a neat freak. I mean like NEAT FREAK. No surface went untouched, no closet went without cleaning, I was a machine when it came to being clean and tidy. The smell of bleach brought the biggest smile to my face. Seeing those tub tiles sparkle a little brought a happy little gleam to my eye. Who the feck was I? Who had I become? I had become THE CLEANING MONSTER.

Truth be told, being a clean/neat freak is not something that I learned from my parents. In preparation for family visiting and staying with my parents over the summer months, I put a plan into action for my their house. I wanted to help my parents fit all of their children and their children's children in a four-bedroom house for a fun-filled family visit. Its quite simple you see. You put a queen bed in one of the rooms, a queen sleeper sofa in the office, you make an office, and place bunk beds or two twin beds in the third room. Easy peasy. Right? DEAD WRONG SMART ASS.

So Coal Miner and I decide to make a visit to the 757 to assist my mother and father with this apparently extremely daunting and tiring task (my mother's exact words). I wanted to start out slow. Ease my parents into my purging. By now you probably know that I don't keep things very long. If I haven't worn it in about 9 months its going to Goodwill. I don't care how much it costs, if its ugly, its ugly and a fact is a fact. Goodwill bound. Just because a celebrity wore it or a rich person gave it to you, doesn't make it okay to keep b/c well, it sucks. Goodwill bound. Yea it didn't work out as planned. Each item I picked up to put in our various Goodwill bags was a battle. I received responses like: "Someone might want that.", "I paid a lot of money for that.", "That's really nice! I might use that one day.", "I fit in that a few years back, I'll fit into it again.", "I don't have any clothes in these 5 closets, you can't give those away!" "Mom mother paid a lot of money for that and gave it to me. Now, I don't use it, but that doesn't matter, put it back." The battle itself was so exhausting that I wanted nothing more than to do manual labor for 12 hours straight. Seriously, I would have paid to switch places with the Mexicans waiting for the paint trucks to pick them up at 7-11 on Little River Turnpike. How sad is that? Coal Miner started punching the air in the living room (true story based on fact).

In two hours I filled 7 bags with clothing. Yep you read that right. And that was only the start.

I love my parents, but I'm convinced after this little visit that they might be on the brink of hoarding. I'm going to try and convince my sisters to call A&E with me and stage an intervention. It will be like Intervention and Hoarders combined. If you don't' know what I'm talking about you need to do yourself a favor and watch these two shows on A&E. Intervention for one makes me feel really good about myself b/c I'm really glad I'm not a crack head, its so unbecoming (side note: my parents aren't crack heads either, but it would be a hoarding intervention b/c I'm fairly certain my mother is addicted to shopping). It also saddens me deeply b/c its a vicious cycle that really is difficult to break and most often just ends with (SPOILER ALERT FOR ALL SHOWS) a relapse. Hoarders, well...*sighing right now*. How people can be so mentally unstable to live in the conditions they do is beyond me. I mean I want to shake the shit out of them, but they wouldn't even care b/c most of them actually shit on their own floors (or in bags). Its foul, but its eye opening. Do it, go watch them. Do it now, I'm waiting. You can watch them online. Really, you can thank me later.

I've gone off topic haven't I? I have a tendency to do that, did you notice? I went down for the July 4th holiday and I have to say I actually didn't feel as crammed like sardines as I usually do. I don't know if its b/c Coal Miner and I slept in twin beds (I still laugh at this regularly) and had a lot of room for our stuff in my old bedroom, or if it was because I was just so happy to be home, with my family, having a blast. But it was roomier, none the less. It really isn't as bad as I make it sound, but if you are a neat freak like me, entering the front doors is like a panic attack waiting to happen. At any rate my mother would be mortified if she found out that I was blogging about this, so do me a favor and keep it to yourself interwebs.

WHAM Did Tell Me: That's what you get

I was recently promoted at work. I have a whole team working for me now. I report up to a Director who reports directly into the SVP. I talk to the SVP daily. I'm moving up the food chain. I've been doing it for years. It's the reason I've spent so many hours at my desk, after they turn the ac/heat off at night, and I'm the last car in the garage. It's what I wanted. So why now, after I'm getting what I want, do I not want it anymore. I find myself most mornings longing to stay home, go for a run, pick up the house, and fix dinner for Coal Miner. Am I having the 5 year itch at work? Am I starting to realize perhaps being the SVP isn't exactly what I thought it would be?

Don't get me wrong, I like the fact that I've made a name for myself. I've built a little empire, all by myself, without any advocates at work. I ensured that I attended the right meetings with the "big guns", I went to those Happy Hours, I was adamant about my promotion, my ability to run a team and manage a multi-million dollar project at the same time. I was and am a superstar at work. I know it, everyone else knows it as well, its not a secret. So what's going on? What happened? Am I burnt out at the age of 30? That can't be. I'm too young for that. Have my priorities changed? Or am I just trying to do too much? I've come to the conclusion its the later.

Most days I find myself sitting at my desk, head swirling, thinking "how on earth am I going to get all of this done?" I need to ask for help. I need to start delegating. I need to slow down. I'm doing way too much, way too fast, and putting unrealistic deadlines on myself. Why do I need to be a VP by 40? Seriously, why? What does that prove? Why do I "need" that title? Yes, I get it, I want to be important. Hell my whole generation wants the same thing. We were brought up to believe that you need titles, cars, houses, things, etc. to be important. But what if I just want a simpler life. I like nice things, but I don't need them to be happy. I like money, but...I can't say what I just said about money. I don't know that I need it to be happy, but I do know that I need it to feel okay.

I grew up watching my parents live paycheck to paycheck. Wanting more than what they had. Juggling which bills to pay to ensure that our electricity stayed on and we could still charge groceries to the credit card. They refinanced their house multiple times. My mother worked two to three jobs at a time. She was exhausted. She was never around. Neither was my dad. And it wasn't their fault. They came to what they could, they were home when they were needed, they were always there when I needed them. It didn't take anything away from my parent's parenting skills or my childhood. It was an amazing childhood (almost storybook if you don't count what I just told you). BUT, I don't want that for myself. I don't want that for my family. I don't want my little girls (if I have them) to have a memory of me sitting at the kitchen table crying trying to figure out when the last possible moment is to pay this bill or that bill. Or hear me say to my mom on the phone "We are in the red again." They didn't think we knew. We did. So, after psychoanalyzing the shit out of myself, I know why I "need" money. I know why it makes me feel safe. And I know why I feel like I have to die trying to earn as much of it as possible. But still, I long for a simpler life. I long for a slower life. I long to enjoy my days, each of them, instead of wishing them away. I yearn for less traffic and more "us" time. I just need to find a way to feel safe and at ease. Got any grand ideas?

Wrote a song bout, like to hear, here it go

Everyone keeps telling me "Its not you Megan. Its just...its just...them." I'm really starting to think that I'm right, it is me. I know self-loathing is just so Kurt Cobain, but honestly, I think it might actually be good ole moi. Some days I could give a sh*t less and some days it really bothers me. I think the closer my birthday gets each year I start to flip the F out. I don't know why my birthday creeps me out so much. I honestly could care less about getting older. I actually welcome my 30s. At least I won't have people continually say "but you are soooo young" or "you're just a baaaby" [ps I just heard "Maybe the Dingo ate your baby" when I wrote that..in my head of course]. So really, it must be me. What am I doing wrong? Does my personality suck? Am I too forward? I mean I'm a go get 'em type gal. I guess that could be a turnoff for some huh? Well crap, what am I supposed to do? I need constructive feedback people. Tell me the truth, you know I can handle it [and throw that sh*t right back in your face later, lol, kidding].

Have you heard those annoying Jerry's Subs commercials on the radio? I swear to the heavens above they are like nails on a chalkboard for me. I can't handle them. Stupid Sarah Palin and Bill Clinton and Obama impersonations. I can't change the channel fast enough when they start airing. Perhaps I should look into that satellite radio after all. Or maybe I should just stop being so lazy and grab my ipod before I head out in the morning. Seriously though, sh*t isn't funny so please get a new steeze Jerry's, thanks.

So I received this job offer last week (or maybe it was the week before, my God all of my weeks are running together). So we go through this whole process of negotiating back and forth and what not and I finally accept their offer and then they rescind my offer b/c of my start date...which was 5 days after the date they wanted. Seriously? No, seriously? I finally thought I had a chance of escaping Hades Haven, but I was incorrect. Being that Lucifer himself is in charge I don't know how I thought that to be possible.

I'm contemplating driving home this weekend, but its SUCH A DRAG. A few hours in a car by yourself is nice. You relax, you sing, you talk to yourself, its just silent...and that's nice, no buzz of fluorescent lights, no tapping of keyboards, and no constant freeway noise b/c well you ARE the freeway noise. But 7 hours in a car by yourself, in traffic none the less, is like sitting through a Yani concert. I mean you literally want to just get out and walk. Plus the drive back to DC you are just waiting for that moment when the little traffic line turns from green, to yellow, to the dreaded red on your GPS. I have such a love/hate relationship with the 757. I love the beach and I miss my family and friends, but it just isn't a quick trip during the summer months and it seems to rain/be cloudy on the weekends I'm there to bronze the crap out of my body. What gives 757, huh?

I'm dumping my thoughts, is that obvious or what? Work was totally manageable this week, that was NIIICCEEE. I haven't had a manageable week in months. I left at like 5 yesterday and I thought I actually started looking behind me to see if anyone was watching. Oh then I had the chance to go running in the pouring rain and it was fantabulous. I was muddy and drenched, ahhh it was wonderful.

I need a new hobby, any ideas? I was thinking sky diving or rock climbing or ANYTHING. I'm so fugging bored. I need something to do and I'm sick of spending money on food and drinks, that's only making me fat [or at least have a complex that I'm fat]. And don't you dare say scrap booking. I'm not from Wisconsin, nor am I overweight, married, or friend-less. I just need something to do in my spare time besides running. I could get a dog, but that's a lot of work. LIKE A LOT. Maybe a cat? Litter box, where would I put it? I need suggestions, HEEELLLPPPP.

I'm sorry I thought this was my life?!?!

When you think back a few years, did you assume your life would end up as it is currently laid out? I know I definitely didn't think that I would be so confused about who I'm supposed to make happy with my decisions. All along I thought I was the one who was the main focus of my "happiness", but to my surprise I'm apparently supposed to make everyone else happy as well. See, when it all comes down to it, its not really about whether or not you are happy, its the perception other people have about you and your happiness. We all know where this is stemming from, my relationship of course. To be honest, I'm pretty happy right now. I finally got a little glimpse of commitment for the coming future (not that he ever wasn't fully commited to me, just that I want to know this is for the long-haul), I'm finally getting recognized at work for my dedication and hard work, I'm making headway with his family and I feel like things are really starting to get into place.

Ah yes, you knew the start of a new paragraph was coming didn't you? Apparently I'm so caught up in this situation that I'm not really thinking clearly. Because I'm not thinking clearly individuals are starting to question my ability to make sane decisions. Apparently the best idea would be for me to move 500 miles away, leaving my really good job with a fantastic company, my extremely loving boyfriend, and the network of individuals I've grown to call my friends (as you know I've had some problems establishing a good network of friends here). Apparently my mind is very clouded and unable to decipher between fiction and reality. See, my life is fiction. I live in a world where things are going well, but in reality they are not. Where my relationship makes me happy, when in reality it makes everyone around me miserable. Where my family is my circle of trust, but really I'm pushing them away. Where I attempt to be understanding of a cultural difference and supportive of baby steps, but really I'm just a push over. Where I am not rushing into anything b/c I've seen what that can do to a marriage and a family, when really I'm making excuses. Where I belive what I'm told, when really I'm just being fed lies. Isn't it enlightening when someone lets you in on all of these little secrets? All of this time I've been in the dark and I didn't even have the slightest idea.

So thank you, thank you for shedding some light on my relationship and my life, it truly is wonderful. But I wonder, isn't it strange that you think you know so much about me and what I want and my life here, when you've only come here once or twice. Doesn't that seem a little forward of you to assume such things? I mean I can only speak from experience, but when someone says they aren't ready...they aren't ready. Perhaps before when they said they thought they were it was b/c they were told that this was the right thing, and the way to go, the way it was supposed to happen and I was just settling...I don't know, seems like maybe everyone should take a step back and ask themselves "Am I really worried about Megan's happiness or am I more worried about what would make me and the family happy?" "Am I really looking out for her best interest or am I pushing my thoughts of happiness onto her, even though she may not share the same views?" "Am I really trying to be part of Megan's life or am I viewing this from 10,000 feet without even attempting to get a little closer?" Seems to me if we don't start to see eye-to-eye on this, it could mean then end of an era, don't you?