Yes, My Husband Said That

If you've ever met Coal Miner (I have been affectionately calling my husband this since our first date (CM)) he doesn't realize he is amusing.  He also doesn't realize some pretty ridiculous things come out of his mouth which most times cause me to just shake my head in disbelief.  Thus bringing SMDH into my everyday lingo.  I thought perhaps I'd give you a few recent SMDH moments brought to you courtesy of my husband.

I Can't Whistle. 
I've never been able to whistle.  Last night in the car CM was just whistling away while we were listening to the Christmas station on the radidio.  So I try to whistle, I explain I just can't.  So CM provides me instructions that go a little something like this:
CM:  You just need to make your mouth like a butthole. 
Me:  What?
CM:  See look, my mouth looks like a butthole.  You are trying to push air out your mouth butthole.
Me:  Are you saying you can whistle out of your butthole?
CM:  No, I WISH!!  But if you make your mouth like a butthole I gaurantee you'll be able to whistle.
Me:  *blink blink* followed by me SMDH

All those years I've been trying to whistle and all I had to do was make my mouth like a butthole.  How could I not have know this great little tid bit??

I Consider Myself a Fairly Good Dancer.
CM is not so much a great dancer.  He's the epitome of a white boy.  Its almost sad how incapable his body is of moving the rhythm / beat of a song.  While doing Dance Dance Central this exchange took place:
CM:  How do you do that?
Me:  Do what?
CM:  Just pick up on those moves like that?
Me:  I don't know, it just...I don't know it just happens. 
CM:  White people don't naturally move like that baby.  Its a proven fact.  I do think you have some black in your bloodline.  Do you think it got mixed in with the Virginia Beach water?  Because basically every person I've met from Virginia Beach can dance. 
Me:  *blink blink* followed by me SMDH
CM:  What?  Its a valid question!

Apparently white people, ALL white people, cannot dance.  "Its a proven fact."

CM Loves to be Naked
Word on the street is that my husband used to cook in the nude.  He apparently used to do everything nude.  I don't doubt this for a minute because over the past 2 years I have found that he would much rather be naked than anything else.  So one night I'm laying in bed while CM is in the shower.  I have the covers pulled up and I'm drifting into sleep.  CM busts out through the bathroom doors and...
CM:  *yelling* Are you naked!?!?!
Me:  No.
CM:  I am!  I'm ready to paaarrrr-taaaay!  BALLS FLAPPIN' baby, BALLS FLLLAAAAAPIN'!!!! (yes, yes he was doing what you think he was doing)
Me:  *blink blink* followed by me SMDH

Who says that?!?!?!?!

So you see, these are just a few of the instances over the past two weeks in which I've found myself utterly and completely amused by my husband.  Fits of laughter usually take over after I'm done shaking my head (or while I'm shaking my head).  The man ain't right I tell you, he ain't right!!!!

You're a Skank. True Story, Based on Facts.

Coal Miner and I just got back from our honeymoon.  Yea, I got married up while I've been on this little blog hiatus.  It was pretty awesome.  We were in Cabo.  I'd like to go back.  Like now.  But I guess I need to work to pay the bills to go back to Cabo huh? 

At any rate, while we were honeymooning we had some of the best discussions.  One of my favorites was about his time as a single guy and how the ladies he met behaved within the first 4 hours of meeting him. 

I hear time and time again that ladies in the DC area can't figure out why they can't find a good guy or why they are still single.  After listening to Coal Miner's stories (and a new little gem of a story from one of his friends this weekend) it really isn't all that hard to understand.  Young women these days are a skank fest.  Let's begin with some examples (you KNOW I love providing real life examples). 

Coal Miner used to frequent Union Jacks in ARL quite often.  Apparently this place has been dubbed "the bar to find whores" (dubbed by me of course) due to the numerous stories I've been told about ladies shamelessly throwing themselves at men.

For instance, Coal Miner informed me that one time, while standing at the bar, minding his own business, a young lady walked up to him and grabbed his junk.  She stood there with her hand over his junk, and asked him if he was going to buy her a drink.  She then proceeded to rub his junk while she drank her beer and then asked Coal Miner if he was planning to take her home or what.  He, of course, could not refuse such an easy offer so he obliged, took the young lady home, did the deed, and left.  Wow.

Another story I was told was from this weekend.  One of Coal Miner's friends was at Union Jacks (surprise!) and a young lady started chatting it up with him.  She was all flirty and rubby McRubberson, dirty dancing, getting wasted, you know the deal.  Then she introduced him to her roommate.  Her roommate began to get tipsy and rub his friends junk and look over at her roommate and make all "yay" type faces.  He was convinced he was getting a menag out of the situation.  Closing time - the first girl invites him back to their place.  He does the deed with the first girl, while the other girl is in the shower.  He then exits the apartment, gets downstairs, and the other girl yells out the window for him to come back upstairs.  When he does, she is there, naked, hops on him and starts making out with him, giving him a handy, doing a beejee.  Wow.

So ladies, let me just give you a quick tip from the non-whore handbook.  If you really do want to find someone to be with, and aren't interested in being a skank, stop acting like a skank.  Stop sleeping with guys within the first 4 hours of meeting them.  Stop giving them bj's within the first 4 hours of meeting them.  For God's sake just stop!  You give all of us a bad name.  And quite honestly I would have no interest in having a relationship with you if you blew me on the first date or had sex with me on the first date.  Stop being a skank and you may just find that guys want you even more.  Worked on Coal Miner, and from what I hear, works on most other guys as well.  True story, based on facts.

Rushing to the Altar

Is it just me, or if you are single, don't you feel like the first question out of everyone's mouth is "So when are you getting married?" And the second question is "Don't you want to get married?" Are you people serious? Yea I get it, I've been dating someone for a while it’s the next "logical" step, but is it? How exactly is it "logical" to do such a thing? I was under the impression that getting married was about wanting to be with someone for the rest of your life. I thought it was about love, compromise, affection, companionship, essentially a business venture, not just about "Hey, we have been dating for a while, why don't we get married?" I don't know about you, but I'm only 26 years old. Ummm...yea that's young. Seriously, I have (God forbid anything happens) a good 60 years of my life left. Now I understand that 60 years isn't technically that long, and that bearing children should be factored into this equation and my child bearing years will come to an end eventually. But what is the rush? Why is everyone in such a rush to get married and have children? Of course I want to get married and of course I want to have children. Right this instance, no, next year, maybe. How would I know that? Seriously I may wake up tomorrow and say to myself, now or never. I find that highly unlikely, but I could. Or I could wake up and say to myself, in two years. I dunno, its possible. But is it absolutely necessary for me to know exactly when/where/why/how I'm getting married right now? Now this isn't to knock those people who already are married and/or have children. Some of my best friends have the most amazing relationships with their husbands and they are only 26 - 30 years old. And their kids, don't even get me started on their kids, so freakin' cute!! But that doesn't mean its time for me. I commend all of you. I think it’s amazing that so early in life you identified the person you were meant to be with. I just know that I have identified him and I'm not ready to slap that ring on, walk down the aisle, and call him my husband just yet. Nor am I ready to ask the same of him (I'm pretty sure he would have cardiac arrest right then and there). So cut me some slack eh, no more questions about the marriage factor....I'll get to it, I promise, just not yet...just not yet!