You're a Skank. True Story, Based on Facts.

Coal Miner and I just got back from our honeymoon.  Yea, I got married up while I've been on this little blog hiatus.  It was pretty awesome.  We were in Cabo.  I'd like to go back.  Like now.  But I guess I need to work to pay the bills to go back to Cabo huh? 

At any rate, while we were honeymooning we had some of the best discussions.  One of my favorites was about his time as a single guy and how the ladies he met behaved within the first 4 hours of meeting him. 

I hear time and time again that ladies in the DC area can't figure out why they can't find a good guy or why they are still single.  After listening to Coal Miner's stories (and a new little gem of a story from one of his friends this weekend) it really isn't all that hard to understand.  Young women these days are a skank fest.  Let's begin with some examples (you KNOW I love providing real life examples). 

Coal Miner used to frequent Union Jacks in ARL quite often.  Apparently this place has been dubbed "the bar to find whores" (dubbed by me of course) due to the numerous stories I've been told about ladies shamelessly throwing themselves at men.

For instance, Coal Miner informed me that one time, while standing at the bar, minding his own business, a young lady walked up to him and grabbed his junk.  She stood there with her hand over his junk, and asked him if he was going to buy her a drink.  She then proceeded to rub his junk while she drank her beer and then asked Coal Miner if he was planning to take her home or what.  He, of course, could not refuse such an easy offer so he obliged, took the young lady home, did the deed, and left.  Wow.

Another story I was told was from this weekend.  One of Coal Miner's friends was at Union Jacks (surprise!) and a young lady started chatting it up with him.  She was all flirty and rubby McRubberson, dirty dancing, getting wasted, you know the deal.  Then she introduced him to her roommate.  Her roommate began to get tipsy and rub his friends junk and look over at her roommate and make all "yay" type faces.  He was convinced he was getting a menag out of the situation.  Closing time - the first girl invites him back to their place.  He does the deed with the first girl, while the other girl is in the shower.  He then exits the apartment, gets downstairs, and the other girl yells out the window for him to come back upstairs.  When he does, she is there, naked, hops on him and starts making out with him, giving him a handy, doing a beejee.  Wow.

So ladies, let me just give you a quick tip from the non-whore handbook.  If you really do want to find someone to be with, and aren't interested in being a skank, stop acting like a skank.  Stop sleeping with guys within the first 4 hours of meeting them.  Stop giving them bj's within the first 4 hours of meeting them.  For God's sake just stop!  You give all of us a bad name.  And quite honestly I would have no interest in having a relationship with you if you blew me on the first date or had sex with me on the first date.  Stop being a skank and you may just find that guys want you even more.  Worked on Coal Miner, and from what I hear, works on most other guys as well.  True story, based on facts.

Families are a Shit Show [Wedding Rant]

I've been planning a wedding if I haven't mentioned it 400 times. Want to know my biggest stress? Family. On both sides. If it ain't one thing its another. I love them dearly, but they are driving my ass insane. I'm a pretty laid back chick...laid back has now taken a back seat to bitchy chick. My blog is my only place to openly vent. So if you find yourself saying "hmmm is she talking about me here?" well I probably am, but don't take offense! If I didn't love you, I wouldn't talk about you. Smoochie Poochie, loves and hugs!!!! <-- just preparing you in case I offend you...

Why is it so hard to mail back an RSVP that was already addressed and stamped for you? I mean I gave you the envelope, with my address printed on it and a stamp. Additionally I gave you a nifty card to check yes or no as to whether or not you'd be attending the festivities. That seems fairly simple to me. If I get one more phone call that says "So and so is coming to the wedding. We just spoke to them on the phone." Ohhh really? You spoke to them on the phone and they confirmed their attendance did they? Could that be because its awkward to be on the phone with someone who is related to you and say "Why actually I don't really feel like driving 5 hours to see your kid get married. I'm really not all that interested."? I think that might be part of it. While you were talking to them did you happen to ask them why they were so busy and couldn't mail back that crazy simple RSVP?

This is me and Coal Miner's wedding. Its not a party. Also, in case you forgot, we're paying for this "party." This better be one great ferkin party b/c its the most expensive party I've ever hosted in my life (and probably will ever host). I mean this "party" is costing us more than the average American makes in one year. Sweet mother of all things holy!!! So stop inviting people we've never heard of, who are twice removed on the third side of the family, and who I haven't seen in 10 years b/c they fail to keep in touch with our family. That's another head count I could really do without paying for, jussayin.

I like my centerpieces. I really don't give a shit that you went to a wedding two weeks ago and they had the most amazing centerpieces. I saw a picture and I thought they were fuktarded. I'm sorry, I did. It ain't my steeze. So, stop bringing it up. And quite frankly it pretty much looks like every other wedding I've been to, and if you haven't notice I haven't exactly been planning/decorating my wedding like every other wedding you've attended. Additionally, I don't have an extra $2,000 to spend on flowers mostly b/c I'm already spending enough on stupid flowers that die the next day. And lastly, I have pretty awesome taste when it comes to decorating (you mention this to me each time you enter my home) so trust me, its going to look good even if you "can't really visualize what it is I am [you are] trying to accomplish."

I don't have the day-of agenda yet. My wedding is 37 days away. I really haven't quite had the chance to sit down and write an agenda for you yet. Don't worry, I will. But at 37 days I'm really trying to focus on getting everything together (meaning decorations and last minute preparation) before I have a nervous breakdown. So if you ask me one more time what time you have to be there, I'm going to kick you in your shins. Let's just plan on reserving those two days. Is that too much to ask?

Please don't be psycho, that's reserved for me as the bride. I thought I was the one who was supposed to go all postal on people during this time. Not anyone else from the family. WTF? Who gave you the green light to get all frak nasty and spew venom on a weekly basis? You chill the eff out, ain't no one here gonna get frak nasty except me. YOU HEAR THAT? Simma down now.

Just buy the shoes. I'm sorry you don't really wear 4 inch heels. Its for like 2 hours and I'm giving you flip flops. Deal with it. Plus you really should start wearing heels. They make your legs look sexy and we are fairly short people so they give us a little edge in the height department. Additionally women who wear big ass heels are also seen as power figures. So really, I'm doing you a favor. (you like that spin I just threw on that? BOOM!)

Word to the wise, should you be planning a wedding anytime soon (and I know a lot of you ladies are), prepare thyself for the family drama. Also, hire a wedding planner and have a destination wedding. Make your life easier and then let me live vicariously through you. Done and done.

Yea, You Aren't a Celebrity.

 

There's been a recent outbreak of engagements! At least one every other week or two. It’s kind of insane. I'm all about people getting married, but lets make sure we are getting married for the right reasons and not just b/c everyone else is doing it (or because someone gave you an ultimatum). Maybe I'm only noticing b/c I'm engaged, but it’s a little bizarre. Since Coal Miner and I got engaged in October there have been 8+ new engagements. That's a lot, dontcha think? Just seems a little weird to me.

CM and I set out to plan our bachelor/ette parties a few months ago. My MOHs are planning mine, and CM's brother is planning his (God help us all, this kid thinks money grows on trees since he doesn't have to make his own). I like to think of myself as a thoughtful person (most of the time). I was really concerned with the expense of my bachelorette party (as was CM). My MOHs wanted to go to Miami, the Keys, or NYC. But once we started adding all of that up, it just seemed like it was a bit excessive to ask my friends and family to spend $900+ on my bachelorette weekend. Never mind the fact that they would also have to take off work. So if you start adding the expense for my bachelorette party, bridal showers, and the wedding itself (dress, shoes, hotel, hair/makeup), it's a little much. So I went the inexpensive yet fun route. You can't go wrong with going to the beach can you?

But recently I've started hearing all of these newly engaged folks talking about their bachelor/ette parties and it’s pretty amusing. Vegas. Paris. Italy. Really? A $1k/night suite for 4 nights? A table at Tao? Take a week off of work? They have to pay for your room? Maybe part of your airfare? Really? I'm sorry I think you may have confused yourself with Kim Kardashian. Baby girl you ain't got her butt and you sure as shit aren't starring in homemade porn with Ray J, so maybe you should layoff the baller mentality and snap back into reality. Perhaps be a little less selfish and start being a little more selfless. Think about the big picture and the costs that your wedding party is incurring. Because when it comes time for one of your friends to get married I bet you aren't going to be so excited about using your limited vacay and hard earned cash to go on some last minute getaway to celebrate the fact that someone is mourning their last days being single. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of marriage anyway? Who the eff is sad about getting married? You definitely shouldn't be getting married if that's the case. And if you want to go on vacation with your girlfriends, plan a little girls trip. Don't use your wedding as an excuse to get people to pay for your vacation. You just look like cheap ass with a princess complex to me.

I know people are going to say I'm jealous. I'm not jealous. I've got the funds. I've got the vacation. I just don't have the balls to be that selfish. I'm convinced that my friends/family will thank me for that little gem when it’s all said and done.

I'm So Bored w/Your Vintage Wedding

Wedding Rant, Prepare Thyself: So, I'm planning this wedding right? I'm trying to be creative, yet classy. Fun, yet serious. Incorporate bright colors, yet ensure I am cognizant of the fact that its Fall. This should be easy right? Wrong my friend. All I see these days is rustic. Rustic Vintage. What the hell is rustic vintage? You can't even be rustic and vintage at the same time can you? What is that Old Hollywood meets Old McDonald? I'm not wearing a bird cage on my face. I'm not. I refuse. And I'm sure as shit not wearing bright red lipstick. I'm also not having a carnival. Soooo yea, where does that leave me? This seriously shouldn't be this difficult. And trying to get invitations that aren't fugly or played out? Forget about it. Sigh. Yes I love Etsy. Yes I'm doing some DIY stuff. But no, I'm not looking for an old typewriter for guests to type me a message. Yea, its cute but that shit is super time consuming. Oh and the ink. I can't even imagine the line for typing up one of those things. I know me, and if I were presented the option at a wedding I'd type an essay. This can only lead to a long line of people waiting to use the "vintage rustic" typewriter right? And no I'm not looking for gold frames either. And nope, my wedding isn't in a barn (though there is one on the property). I'm just...am I weird if I like a little rustic opulence? lol Is that even possible? I mean I love the rustic feel. But every single photo I see these days looks exactly the same. I know, I know, put on your big girl pants and your creative hat and shut the f up. I'm trying people, I'm trying. Oh and another thing, why can't I find someone to marry us? Are there only like 5 officiants in the DMV? And why are all mother of the bride dresses atrocious? I mean ATROCIOUS. I don't want my mom wearing that crap. She's a young skinny thang. She shouldn't have to wear some turrible elasticky frump fest. Worse! I am making progress though. I got a DJ, food is done, venue is done, bmaids dresses are done, my dress is done, flowers...oh shit flowers. Uggghhh I literally just remembered I haven't even thought about that yet. Sweet jezus in the morning. Why, why are flowers like a bazillion million dollars? Imma grab some flowers off the side of the road, stick 'em in a vase and call it a day. Kidding. Maybe.

Oh For the Love of....

I got engaged. Did I mention that? Yea, Coal Miner asked me to marry him b/c well, he's rad. And also, who wouldn't want to marry me? I'm pretty much the most awesome person I know. Anyhoooo, we really want to get married October 1 of next year. That would be one year, to the day, of our engayyygment. So we are sentimental, whatever. Well apparently everyone else in Northern Virginia and DC seems to think that would be a great day to get married as well. They also seem to think that all weekends in September and October are great months to get married. Leaving us with the option of blazing ass August or shivering November. This shit is unbelievable. We went to a plantation to scout out the scene and the on-site coordinator told me that chicks come in there before they are even engaged to leave a deposit for the site. DO WHAT? How you gonna reserve a weekend to get married and you aren't even engaged yet? Youz a crazy bitch, that's how. She also told me that chicks plan weddings 2 years in advance. 2 years? Are you serious? I don't want to be stressed out or planning this for 2 years. Quite honestly I barely have time to plan this wedding, I can't imagine spending two years on it. Which provides a nice segue for my next topic: This shit is expensive.

Did you know the average wedding in the metro DC area runs a bride around $35K. DOOOO WHAT? I'm fresh out of 35K extra dollars laying around. If I did have $35k just laying around I would make it rain on the reg. However, neither I nor my parents have said $35K, so I need to be on a budget. Apparently people like to charge you money just to use the site itself. They have no plans to contribute anything to your wedding, just stepping foot on the property. Then they like to charge you money to come setup prior to 2 hours before your ceremony. I mean who needs more than 2 hours to setup?!?! EVERYONE! This is a freakin' racket. I'm totally in the wrong business. Wedding planner = $8K, Transportation = $3K, Venue = $9K, Food = $7k, Photographer = $7K. I haven't even bought the dress yet and I've already exceeded my credit limit on my Visa. I had to cut the wedding planner and figure out a way to plan this wedding during my normal business hours (of a gazillion hours a week) and free time (of 0). So this should be interesting. I would stay tuned to the blog b/c I'm absolutely certain I'm going to do one or more of the following in the next 11 months:
A) Freak the eff out
B) Have a breakdown
C) Cry and whine and cry some more
D) Decide this was the worst idea ever

Wish me luck, I'm going on Sunday to check out another venue. Maybe this bish won't charge me a triplezillion dollars just to step my jimmy choos on the green lawn.