Career Megan vs. Street Megan

I realized about 30 minutes ago that I have dual personalities. There is Career Megan and then there is Street Megan. Career Megan is extremely professional. She is polite in all of her dealings, remains politically correct at all times, and can whip together a corporate strategy before you can say "Government Bailout." Let me give you an example of an exchange that would take place with Career Megan.

Unnamed VP: Megan, [co-worker name] is clearly incapable of handling the assignment I have provided her. I think it would be best if you handled her assignments going forward. As for this assignment, I'll need that completed immediately as the deadline has already passed. You'll be able to complete that asap right?


Career Megan: Sure [VP], that shouldn't be a problem. Does [co-worker name] know that I'll be handling the assignment on her behalf?


VP: Ummm no, she doesn't. I think its best if we just kept this between the two of us. I feel kind of bad that she isn't able to handle the request. This IS what I hired her to do, but some people have it and some people don't you know??


Career Megan: Oh yes, I'll be sensitive to the issue. I'll start working on that now.

Now let me introduce you to Street Megan. Street Megan has no filter. She's blunt and to the point, doesn't take anyone's shit, could at times be called "ghetto" in her responses and behavior, and curses like a truck driver's daughter. Street Megan is the "Megan" that most people know and love. I'm assuming if they met Career Megan they would be astounded and would probably pass out from the shock of professionalism and clean language. If we were to refer back to the situation that just took place, these are the responses Street Megan would have given.

Unnamed VP: Megan, [co-worker name] is clearly incapable of handling the assignment I have provided her. I think it would be best if you handled her assignments going forward. As for this assignment, I'll need that completed immediately as the deadline has already passed. You'll be able to complete that asap right?


Street Megan: Ummm, doooo what? Something wrong with that betch that she can't do it herself? And asap, whaaaaa??? Did you JUST find out the she was incapable of doing such tasks? Does she know I'm about to take on all of her work because she isn't smart enough to do it herself?


VP: Ummm no, she doesn't. I think its best if we just kept this between the two of us. I feel kind of bad that she isn't able to handle the request. This IS what I hired her to do, but some people have it and some people don't you know??


Street Megan: *laughing* Oh yes [VP's name] I DO know. And really, really, you want us to "keep it to ourselves" huh? Orrrr you could fire her. You hired her to perform specific tasks, which she is clearly incapble of completing, so why would you keep her around? And how can you feel bad for her? What the hell is wrong with this place? Its like worse than the government! How can you work somewhere, not do your job, and STILL work here. And then no one wants to even talk to you about the fact that you aren't performing as expected. Oh no, we'll just give your work to someone else because they don't have enough work of their own to do. Eff this place, I'm out. OOOOoooo OOOOOOOOOOOOO (throwing dueces)

So you see, each day I struggle while at work to keep Street Megan at bay. She tends to speak in a soft muffled voice at my desk, using every curse word ever created. Sometimes she starts to come out and I have to use all of my might to push her down and let Career Megan handle the situation. Career Megan is so level-headed, I'm so proud of her. Street Megan just thinks she's a little biiiitch.

All Dogs Go to Heaven

Next week marks six months since we said goodbye to the most well behaved, prim and proper German Shepherd you have ever met, and will probably ever meet. Its taken me six months to get the balls to write this post and I'm certain I won't make it through the whole thing without looking like Tammy Faye Baker by the end.


I've owned animals my entire life. My family got a cat from the neighbor when I was in Kindergarten. I won a black lab, named Annie, when I was crowned Little Miss Strawberry Festival. I loved them both dearly and they loved each other so much that once one passed the other wasn't far behind. We all told ourselves at that time, no more animals, never again.


I dated a guy in college and "we" got a Pitbull. The dog ended up becoming "his dog" and we broke up. I wanted visitation rights, but there are no formal papers for a broken heart. He was an amazing and loving dog. When my ex moved to the West Coast he actually didn't take the dog with him, the dog stayed here in Nova. However, he and I did lose touch, and with that I lost touch of the dog. I was sad, but not devastated. So much time had passed and the dog truly wasn't mine, that it was sad to me, but not crushing.


Then I met Coal Miner. I swore I would never date a guy with a dog b/c they treat dogs better than their girlfriends. They let their dogs sleep in the bed, sit on couches, eat people food, etc, etc. I made an exception for Coal Miner b/c he was so charming and loving towards me even with the cute German Shepherd, named Casey, I saw in his pictures. And then I met her. This dog, this German Shepherd named Casey was the most wonderful dog I've ever met. She loved Coal Miner more than an animal should logically love their owner. She knew the sound of his car, his whistle, even his footsteps. She knew his work schedule and would wait patiently by the door for his arrival. She was the lowest maintenance dog ever. She just wanted to be played with and walked. That was it. But there was a catch, she was kept indoors.


When Coal Miner and I decided to move in together I didn't know how I was going to handle a dog living in my townhouse. I was raised to believe that animals were outdoor creatures that should live outside and never be allowed to take residence in a home. But I said I would do it. I would give it a shot, and so I did. It took some getting used to (and the agreement of a bi-weekly maid service) but I was actually pretty okay with the whole arrangement. Actually, I ended up loving it. I ended up loving her. I ended up loving her more than I ever loved another animal. Because this dog, this German Shepherd named Casey loved me. She followed me around. She came to me instead of Coal Miner. She waited patiently for me to get home. She knew the sound of my car, my footsteps, my schedule. She loved me more than any animal should logically love their owner. I bought her more toys than necessary. Gave her one too many treats and tried to make her eat super expensive food. I yelled at her when I shouldn't have, took my frustrations out on her when it had nothing to do with her, became infuriated when she wouldn't walk fast enough when it was cold outside, let her sleep in the bed when I was scared or alone, talked to her when no one would listen, cried to her when no one was around. She became, well, one of my best friends.


Then one day Casey wouldn't go on her walk. She wouldn't go further than a few steps. She just laid there in the yard staring at Coal Miner. She lived for walks and picking up new sticks and chasing dogs that look like small squirrels. So we decided to take her to the vet immediately. We couldn't get her to move from the floor in the office, to the exam room. She wasn't even acknowledging small dogs when they entered the vet's office. She just wasn't herself. So the vet came to her. He drew some blood from her leg and asked us to head back into the exam room without Casey b/c they were going to carry her into the back.


20 or so minutes passed and the vet came back with a very solemn look. He informed us that Casey had blood in her stomach, a cancerous hole in her liver, and that was what he found just in a few short minutes. He paused and looked down at the floor before moving onto the next part. I noticed he had tears in his eyes. He then let us know that we would have to put Casey to rest that evening. This was not something that Coal Miner and I were prepared for, capable of understanding, or realistically going to follow through on. She's fine. She's in the room with us now. She's licking my hand. She's fine. But she wasn't fine. She was dying. She wasn't eating. She didn't have any strength and her body was shutting down.

The doctor gave Casey a cortisone shot and allowed us to spend one last night with her. She ate like a queen: pizza, twinkies, and bread sticks. We played the flashlight game for at least an hour. We stayed up with her until 1am until we couldn't possibly keep our puffy eyes open a moment longer.

September 15, 2011 was, to date, the hardest day of my life. I will spare you the details mostly because I don't want to recreate them in my mind. I played with her fuzzy ears, told her I loved her, and that was the last time I saw that beautiful furry face.

So my friends, if you have a furry friend that holds a special place in your heart. Play just a little longer tonight, go in for one more hug, and cherish those wonderful moments together because they can be gone in the blink of an eye.

Seventeen Magazine Called, They Want Me to Stop Subscribing

I made a stark realization the other day. I'm not young anymore. What, you aren't surprised? You shut up!! When I look in the mirror I'm still barely legal. I mean look at that blonde hair (bleached to cover the grays) and those legs (I BodyRock 3x's a week, and run at least 2 or 3x's a week, but its just my youth, I swear!).

So here are my new-found reasons as to why I know I am not in the prime of my youth as I once was.

1. I Cannot Drink More Than 2 Glasses of Wine w/o Getting White-girl Wasted
WTF is going on? I used to drink an entire bottle of wine like it was a liter of water. As if wine was necessary to survive. Now, you get me to finish two glasses I'm feeling great. Get me three or four and I may throw up in the middle of the night (its happened, don't judge me). I plan on working on this problem while I'm in Mexico. I find Mexico is a great place to rememdy such recently accquired short comings.

2. I Get Excited About the Price of Chicken by the Pound
You know you do as well, so don't deny it. This is an actual reality of mine. I even posted a FB status about it. I actually said to Coal Miner, while in the grocery store, that we should really invest in another freezer for the basement so I can take advantage of such great deals. WHO AM I? The me I know would have said we needed to invest in another closet, or convert our office to my dressing room, to take advantage of the Manolo markdowns at Saxs. I'm such a disappointment to myself.

3. I Dream of Pantries, Garages, and Driveways
Who would have thought a walk-in pantry, or even one that had a full door, would be something to cause me to get all giddy inside. I see pictures on Pinterest (you are the devil Pinterest) of fancy pantries and want to cry myself to sleep. And don't forget a garage and a driveway. I just want a driveway to park my car, and a garage to store my shit, is that too much to ask? Well yes actually it is b/c a) why do you have so much shit to store? (answer: b/c I'm old and have had years to accquire a lot of shit), and b) why do you need a driveway? (answer: b/c I'm old and don't like to walk far from my car).

4. Go Out this Friday Night? Stay Up Until 2am? No Thank You!
I cannot go out on the weekends any longer. If you take me to a club I am almost certain I will embarass you with my yawning, irritation at the noise levels, and invasion of personal space. I find myself starting to get cranky around 10:45pm. 10:45pm!! Ummmm I used to not even go out until 10:45pm, on a Wednesday (b/c those were the new Thursdays). Then I would stay out until 5am. These days I have an internal alarm clock that wakes me up each morning at 6:58am. Said alarm clock doesn't care if its a Tuesday or a Sunday. It sucks. And I can't sleep any longer than that unless I force myself to. So yea this 'ole girl won't be heading out to Lima in her body-hugging dress any time in the near future.

5. I Go to Tysons Corner to Go to Arhaus and Z-Gallerie
Really Megan? Really? Those are the most exciting stores? Why yes they are. B/c you know you are a full-fledged grown ass woman when you can't wait to check out the latest ikat curtains, organic bedding, and new throw pillows at your two favorite furniture stores.

6. I Spend My Weekends Running Errands and Hitting Up Lowes
Do I really need to expand on this topic? I used to go to brunch on Saturdays, at like 1, and drink mimosas. Now I'm heading to the cleaners, making returns at Home Goods, and buying stock in Home Depot. God I'd give anything for a mimosa right now.

So there you have it...its not a complete list b/c well that would just be exhausting, but I think you catch my drift. I'm fairly certain you are experiencing some of the same "Holy Shit!" moments. Ahh getting older, its a gem isn't it? Any good "Holy Shit" moments you'd like to share, comments welcome! :)

My Dad is Amusing

I just got off the phone with my mother and she told me a great story about my father.  I had to share.  The man is just too amusing sometimes.

My mother walks in the house last night and my father is wandering around turning on all the Christmas lights in the windows.  She says he stops and says...

My Dad:  The litter box was awful when I came in.  Just filled with crap.  I had to change it out, just too much.
My Mother:  Oh, geeze.  Thanks for doing that though!
My Dad:  Yea, no biggie.  I'm going to turn the rest of these lights on.

So he goes about doing so and then stops in the hallway and looks at her....

My Dad:  I've gotta find that bag of crap.
My Mom:  What?
My Dad:  I cleaned out the cat crap and then I started turning on the lights.  I had the bag of crap in my hand, but now I don't know what I did with it.  Its got to be in this house somewhere.
My Mom:  You lost the bag of cat crap?!?!
My Dad:  I sure did.  I've gotta find that bag of crap!  Do you smell it anywhere?
My Mom:  *laughing hysterically at this point*  No, I don't smell the crap anywhere.
My Dad:  Dadblammit, how did I lose a big gray bag of cat shit?!?!

Needless to say, my father found the bag in one of the bedrooms.  He had apparently put it down when turning on the lights in the windows.  Ahhh, my father.  I love the man!!

Yes, My Husband Said That

If you've ever met Coal Miner (I have been affectionately calling my husband this since our first date (CM)) he doesn't realize he is amusing.  He also doesn't realize some pretty ridiculous things come out of his mouth which most times cause me to just shake my head in disbelief.  Thus bringing SMDH into my everyday lingo.  I thought perhaps I'd give you a few recent SMDH moments brought to you courtesy of my husband.

I Can't Whistle. 
I've never been able to whistle.  Last night in the car CM was just whistling away while we were listening to the Christmas station on the radidio.  So I try to whistle, I explain I just can't.  So CM provides me instructions that go a little something like this:
CM:  You just need to make your mouth like a butthole. 
Me:  What?
CM:  See look, my mouth looks like a butthole.  You are trying to push air out your mouth butthole.
Me:  Are you saying you can whistle out of your butthole?
CM:  No, I WISH!!  But if you make your mouth like a butthole I gaurantee you'll be able to whistle.
Me:  *blink blink* followed by me SMDH

All those years I've been trying to whistle and all I had to do was make my mouth like a butthole.  How could I not have know this great little tid bit??

I Consider Myself a Fairly Good Dancer.
CM is not so much a great dancer.  He's the epitome of a white boy.  Its almost sad how incapable his body is of moving the rhythm / beat of a song.  While doing Dance Dance Central this exchange took place:
CM:  How do you do that?
Me:  Do what?
CM:  Just pick up on those moves like that?
Me:  I don't know, it just...I don't know it just happens. 
CM:  White people don't naturally move like that baby.  Its a proven fact.  I do think you have some black in your bloodline.  Do you think it got mixed in with the Virginia Beach water?  Because basically every person I've met from Virginia Beach can dance. 
Me:  *blink blink* followed by me SMDH
CM:  What?  Its a valid question!

Apparently white people, ALL white people, cannot dance.  "Its a proven fact."

CM Loves to be Naked
Word on the street is that my husband used to cook in the nude.  He apparently used to do everything nude.  I don't doubt this for a minute because over the past 2 years I have found that he would much rather be naked than anything else.  So one night I'm laying in bed while CM is in the shower.  I have the covers pulled up and I'm drifting into sleep.  CM busts out through the bathroom doors and...
CM:  *yelling* Are you naked!?!?!
Me:  No.
CM:  I am!  I'm ready to paaarrrr-taaaay!  BALLS FLAPPIN' baby, BALLS FLLLAAAAAPIN'!!!! (yes, yes he was doing what you think he was doing)
Me:  *blink blink* followed by me SMDH

Who says that?!?!?!?!

So you see, these are just a few of the instances over the past two weeks in which I've found myself utterly and completely amused by my husband.  Fits of laughter usually take over after I'm done shaking my head (or while I'm shaking my head).  The man ain't right I tell you, he ain't right!!!!

I Don't Usually Do the Political Thing But....

I work for a large financial company here in DC. We have seen our fair share of turbulent times (and recently requested a little more assistance from the government). I started working on a gov't sponsored program almost three years ago spearheaded by the current Administration. I've burned the midnight oil, sat through countless 6-hour long meetings, crunched numbers, brought new ideas to the table, and watched many many people come and go on both our side and the govie side.

This program is set to come to a close with the end of the current Administration. Its been labeled a failure for various reasons. Its been said it hasn't helped enough people. Even though our current administration pulled a number out of their hat regarding its potential reach when it was initially started. It should be noted though that its currently its helped over 1M Americans. Its been said its too difficult for the intended organizations to participate, too much red tape. Meanwhile the administration continues to write new lengthy guidance that pushes those same organizations further and further away. Its been said the organizations that do participate don't do so in a compliant manner. Yet no restrictions or consequences occur or are enforced if the organizations aren't compliant.

A lot has been said, mostly bad, but not many good stories and it leaves me wondering: Why would an Administration fail to highlight the positive pieces of such an expensive and fairly successful program? Why don't they advertise outreach events to help struggling Americans in their communities? Why don't they change the way they've been doing things, in this program, if they aren't working? Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same failed exercises over and over again.

We're coming up on the next election - even though its a year away and it disgusts me that focus has shifted from fixing this huge broken machine to selecting who the next well polished, tv-ready, male will be running our country. No one has a solid housing platform. Have you noticed? If you haven't yet, just look through their "stance" on housing....I'm waiting...find anything? Didn't think so. Not only do they not have a solid housing platform, they don't' really have any platforms. I can name one candidate, regardless of my political affiliation who actually has "plans" for anything related to our failing nation at this point: Ron Paul. The rest of them, they just read from cue cards. And our President isn't exempt from this either.

I'm surprised by this man who had the world, not just American, wrapped around his pinkie. He was naive, I get that. Maybe we all were. But I really believed he could make some things happen in this nation that no one had ever accomplished before. I was wrong, so was he, but I thought anything was possible in this great nation, b/c that's what I was taught.

I sit here each day and read the headlines and shake my head too often to count. Do me a favor readers, regardless of which party you affiliate yourself (To be honest, I don't even know how you could affiliate yourself with one side at this point. We, as a country, have moved beyond the confines of Red or Blue in my opinion.), really take a look at where we are going, what these politicians are saying, their past performance, and where they plan to take this great nation. I think if you do, you'll be shocked to learn they haven't said anything of worth, they haven't done anything spectacular in the past, and they really don't have a plan for our country. I think you'll find yourself scared for the future....and you should be.

Apparently My Pubes Are So 1998

WARNING: If you do not want to read about my pubes, do not continue reading. You have been warned.

So I was listening to the radio on the way to work the other morning. Yes, I still listen to good ole' FM morning radio. I prefer to listen to the same 10 songs in rotation for free as opposed to paying to hear the same 10 songs over and over and over again. I don't know why I prefer the free route, I just do. Crazy right?

At any rate, I was listening to a popular morning radio show and they were discussing grooming for women and men. The started going through a list of "musts" for women and, of course, the show hosts were weighing in on the list of musts. They came upon the always popular topic of women's pubic hair.

I've always been a strong supporter of female grooming. Mostly b/c women don't really need that hair any longer. It was there to protect us from germs and infection prior to the creation of soap and the daily ritual of showering. That being said, goodbye pubes.

In college my suite mates and I decided to get rid of it all. The term "shaved kitten" became a running joke in our suite. But honestly, getting rid of it all is tremendously time consuming and irritating. Literally, irritating. It ain't pretty, its prickly, and ends up not hot at all. instead it looks like you have chicken pox. Foul.

So I stumbled upon the landing strip. Ahhh the landing strip. It leads the guy right into the homeland. I've been sporting it ever since. So while listening to this morning show the female host (who is about 25) says "Oh my God! The landing strip is so 1998. Its all about the pube cube now!" Doooo what? The pube cube? And how dare that bish call out 1998. 1998 was a great year! I graduated from high school and started college in 1998. Back the eff up youngin!

So I, being the inquisitive gal that I am began to google the term pube cube. It originally is from a chick who shaved and dyed her pubes to look like a rubix cube. Originally coined a pubix cube. Emmm no thank you. I'd rather not dye anything down there. I'm already dying my hair on my head (which is a 6 hour process). And its already a lot of work shaving 75% of my entire body, so getting my pubes dyed is last on the list.

However, I'm more than happy to try something new. And I clearly don't want Coal Miner to be out on the prowl for some up to date pubes. So I did it. Emmm its the landing strip, just shorter, like a cube. SMDH.

I'm Terrified For Our Child

No, I'm not pregnant, but I always have the best discussions with Coal Miner about our future family. Last night was a prime example.

Coal Miner: Last time I was at his [his best friend] house that fucker [his bf's baby] cried the entire time. He was a pain in the ass.
Me: Umm wasn't he like a month or two old?
CM: Yea, so?
Me: So that's what babies do, they cry.
CM: Why? That's stupid. Do they all cry? Why do they cry? Do you think ours will cry?
Me: Yes, I do think ours will cry.
CM: Fuck that. Why is it going to cry? Kids are pain.
Me: B/c CM, that's how babies tell you when they are hungry, in pain, tired, want attention. Basically crying is how they tell you everything b/c they cant' talk.
CM: I hope our fucker doesn't cry.
Me: Can you please stop calling our unborn, not even created yet, child a fucker?
*without skipping a beat*
CM: OH! Did you know that babies don't drink water? How weird is that?
Me: Yes I did know that. And its not weird, they get all the water they need from milk & formula or breast feeding.
CM: Whaaaa? I get thirsty and I need water. So I think its weird that these babies don't get thirsty either.
Me: They do get thirsty. You give them milk.
CM: That's fucking weird. Why don't you give them water?
Me: B/c you're not supposed to CM. Like I said, if the baby is thirst, you give them milk or formula.
CM: If I was a baby, I'd be pissed. I mean I have like a steak and a potato and I need water to wash it down. Or I work out and I need water b/c I'm thirsty.
Me: Babies don't eat solid food or workout.
CM: Its still weird. I bet babies are really thirsty and need water.

So you all see what I'm dealing with right? And these are dead serious conversations. DEAD SERIOUS. My poor unborn, not even created yet, child. Pray for it. Pray hard.

You're a Skank. True Story, Based on Facts.

Coal Miner and I just got back from our honeymoon.  Yea, I got married up while I've been on this little blog hiatus.  It was pretty awesome.  We were in Cabo.  I'd like to go back.  Like now.  But I guess I need to work to pay the bills to go back to Cabo huh? 

At any rate, while we were honeymooning we had some of the best discussions.  One of my favorites was about his time as a single guy and how the ladies he met behaved within the first 4 hours of meeting him. 

I hear time and time again that ladies in the DC area can't figure out why they can't find a good guy or why they are still single.  After listening to Coal Miner's stories (and a new little gem of a story from one of his friends this weekend) it really isn't all that hard to understand.  Young women these days are a skank fest.  Let's begin with some examples (you KNOW I love providing real life examples). 

Coal Miner used to frequent Union Jacks in ARL quite often.  Apparently this place has been dubbed "the bar to find whores" (dubbed by me of course) due to the numerous stories I've been told about ladies shamelessly throwing themselves at men.

For instance, Coal Miner informed me that one time, while standing at the bar, minding his own business, a young lady walked up to him and grabbed his junk.  She stood there with her hand over his junk, and asked him if he was going to buy her a drink.  She then proceeded to rub his junk while she drank her beer and then asked Coal Miner if he was planning to take her home or what.  He, of course, could not refuse such an easy offer so he obliged, took the young lady home, did the deed, and left.  Wow.

Another story I was told was from this weekend.  One of Coal Miner's friends was at Union Jacks (surprise!) and a young lady started chatting it up with him.  She was all flirty and rubby McRubberson, dirty dancing, getting wasted, you know the deal.  Then she introduced him to her roommate.  Her roommate began to get tipsy and rub his friends junk and look over at her roommate and make all "yay" type faces.  He was convinced he was getting a menag out of the situation.  Closing time - the first girl invites him back to their place.  He does the deed with the first girl, while the other girl is in the shower.  He then exits the apartment, gets downstairs, and the other girl yells out the window for him to come back upstairs.  When he does, she is there, naked, hops on him and starts making out with him, giving him a handy, doing a beejee.  Wow.

So ladies, let me just give you a quick tip from the non-whore handbook.  If you really do want to find someone to be with, and aren't interested in being a skank, stop acting like a skank.  Stop sleeping with guys within the first 4 hours of meeting them.  Stop giving them bj's within the first 4 hours of meeting them.  For God's sake just stop!  You give all of us a bad name.  And quite honestly I would have no interest in having a relationship with you if you blew me on the first date or had sex with me on the first date.  Stop being a skank and you may just find that guys want you even more.  Worked on Coal Miner, and from what I hear, works on most other guys as well.  True story, based on facts.

Families are a Shit Show [Wedding Rant]

I've been planning a wedding if I haven't mentioned it 400 times. Want to know my biggest stress? Family. On both sides. If it ain't one thing its another. I love them dearly, but they are driving my ass insane. I'm a pretty laid back chick...laid back has now taken a back seat to bitchy chick. My blog is my only place to openly vent. So if you find yourself saying "hmmm is she talking about me here?" well I probably am, but don't take offense! If I didn't love you, I wouldn't talk about you. Smoochie Poochie, loves and hugs!!!! <-- just preparing you in case I offend you...

Why is it so hard to mail back an RSVP that was already addressed and stamped for you? I mean I gave you the envelope, with my address printed on it and a stamp. Additionally I gave you a nifty card to check yes or no as to whether or not you'd be attending the festivities. That seems fairly simple to me. If I get one more phone call that says "So and so is coming to the wedding. We just spoke to them on the phone." Ohhh really? You spoke to them on the phone and they confirmed their attendance did they? Could that be because its awkward to be on the phone with someone who is related to you and say "Why actually I don't really feel like driving 5 hours to see your kid get married. I'm really not all that interested."? I think that might be part of it. While you were talking to them did you happen to ask them why they were so busy and couldn't mail back that crazy simple RSVP?

This is me and Coal Miner's wedding. Its not a party. Also, in case you forgot, we're paying for this "party." This better be one great ferkin party b/c its the most expensive party I've ever hosted in my life (and probably will ever host). I mean this "party" is costing us more than the average American makes in one year. Sweet mother of all things holy!!! So stop inviting people we've never heard of, who are twice removed on the third side of the family, and who I haven't seen in 10 years b/c they fail to keep in touch with our family. That's another head count I could really do without paying for, jussayin.

I like my centerpieces. I really don't give a shit that you went to a wedding two weeks ago and they had the most amazing centerpieces. I saw a picture and I thought they were fuktarded. I'm sorry, I did. It ain't my steeze. So, stop bringing it up. And quite frankly it pretty much looks like every other wedding I've been to, and if you haven't notice I haven't exactly been planning/decorating my wedding like every other wedding you've attended. Additionally, I don't have an extra $2,000 to spend on flowers mostly b/c I'm already spending enough on stupid flowers that die the next day. And lastly, I have pretty awesome taste when it comes to decorating (you mention this to me each time you enter my home) so trust me, its going to look good even if you "can't really visualize what it is I am [you are] trying to accomplish."

I don't have the day-of agenda yet. My wedding is 37 days away. I really haven't quite had the chance to sit down and write an agenda for you yet. Don't worry, I will. But at 37 days I'm really trying to focus on getting everything together (meaning decorations and last minute preparation) before I have a nervous breakdown. So if you ask me one more time what time you have to be there, I'm going to kick you in your shins. Let's just plan on reserving those two days. Is that too much to ask?

Please don't be psycho, that's reserved for me as the bride. I thought I was the one who was supposed to go all postal on people during this time. Not anyone else from the family. WTF? Who gave you the green light to get all frak nasty and spew venom on a weekly basis? You chill the eff out, ain't no one here gonna get frak nasty except me. YOU HEAR THAT? Simma down now.

Just buy the shoes. I'm sorry you don't really wear 4 inch heels. Its for like 2 hours and I'm giving you flip flops. Deal with it. Plus you really should start wearing heels. They make your legs look sexy and we are fairly short people so they give us a little edge in the height department. Additionally women who wear big ass heels are also seen as power figures. So really, I'm doing you a favor. (you like that spin I just threw on that? BOOM!)

Word to the wise, should you be planning a wedding anytime soon (and I know a lot of you ladies are), prepare thyself for the family drama. Also, hire a wedding planner and have a destination wedding. Make your life easier and then let me live vicariously through you. Done and done.

Yea Imma Do That Before Kiddos

News update - I'm getting married in 39 days. How da hail did that happen? 4 weeks? Sweet mother of all things holy I've got a sh!t load to do before the big day. That being said, here's a list of the Top 10 things I've decided that Coal Miner and I will hopefully take part in prior to me getting knocked up.

1. Go Skydiving - Fairly certain my mother would kick my a$$ if I went skydiving and I had a child. Mostly because I'm a little accident prone and she thinks I'm highly inclined to kill myself. You can't do that if you have kids. You have to be all responsible and stuff. So I need to jump out of a plane with a quickness.

2. Go Whitewater Rafting - see number one. And yes I can't believe I haven't done this at this point in my life either.

3. Do a triathlon - training for a triathlon is difficult, time consuming, and daunting when your single. I can't imagine what it would be like with a child. The thought of that actually makes me shudder.

4. Have sex in every room in the house...again...may times - Gone will be the days of getting in on where ever we feel like it. We better make the most of it and bang it out on the kitchen floor again.

5. Set my sights on that Director spot - I should probably start aiming a little higher than I have been in the past 3 months b/c I haven't thought once about getting promoted recently. Hey I've been planning my wedding and doing a full-time job so you STFU. I'm totally allowed to be a slacker right now.

6. Go to Bora Bora - I've said this once, imma say it again - my ass is going to Bora Bora before I push a kid out my vag.

7. Listen to awful dirty music in the car, at very high volumes - I'll probably be the parent whose daughter sings Britney Spears and Lady Gaga, but I try and think highly of myself at times. I try and think I'll be good and only listen to the Christian channel or talk radio when rugrats are present. If that really is the case then I'm going to blast BritBrit on the way home. Sing my little heart out. Repeat ever dirty word she says. And then sing it again. Rock on!

8. Go on a road trip - I've been in the car with my nieces and nephews. I love them. I do. But the constant talking, the cartoons, the "I've gotta pee"s, the fighting, the crying, the screaming. And that's only been for like 30 minutes in a car. I don't even want to start to envision a 10 hour drive to Florida for our family vacation. It just sounds like a beta blocker and glass of wine moment.

9. Snuggle more - I'm so exhausted lately that I just kind of go with the flow. Wake up, go to work, go running, eat some dinner, go to bed. I hardly ever think about snuggling up to Coal Miner without any interruptions. I shall do that this evening.

10. Get married - Yea I should probably get through my wedding before I start making these kinds of lists huh? Speaking of that wedding, its really starting to become a drag planning this thing. I should have just ponied up the $7k and hired a wedding planner. WTF was I thinking?!?!?

Once Upon a Time When I Worked at...

I like to tell stories about my fun times in my previous jobs. One of the places I worked, my first big girl job ever, has THE BEST stories. So I figured "Hey you know what, I'll chronicle them. Yea, that's what I'll do." Then I realized I don't really have that many so I just tell you one today and see if I have any other "fun ones" pop-up in my filing cabinet brain.

When I first got out of school I found a job in a "Management Training Program"...yea I used quotes for that...anyway it was for a major rental car company. You probably know them, they'll pick you up. And that's what I did, I picked people up. I also washed cars, and vacuumed them, and toted folks luggage, and was cursed at, and worked 65+ hours a week. It was pretty awesome. This little gem of a story is about a gentleman I went to pick up in the Falls Church area, which was just a short distance from where my office was located.

It was during the winter months, so it was usually dark by 5pm. We stayed open until 6:30pm (yea I got there at 6:15am...anyway) most evenings and I was asked to go pick up a gentleman in Falls Church around 5:30pm. I went alone, as we always did, and navigated my way to his condo. Back then I didn't have a smart phone. We were using Nextels to communicate with the office. Most of the time we went out of range though and so my chirps would always go unanswered. I hopped into the Buick LaSabre we hoped to rent him (even though he reserved a $19 car, I was supposed to upgrade him). When I arrived at his condo, I knocked on the door, but there was no answer. So I stood there for a few seconds, waited to see if I could heard anything, and knocked again, louder this time. I heard shuffling inside so I knew someone was in there. I announced myself "The Devil's Rental Car Company, I'm here to pick you up sir!" *said all joyfully and like a teeny bopper* More shuffling...then the knob moved, and the door cracked open. One eye stared directly at me. I smiled.

Me: Devil's Rental Car Company. Are you Mr. X?
Mr. X: Mmmhmmm one sec *door slam*
Me: *blink blink* *start turning around to go back to car*

I hear the door start to open so I whip around on my heels. Mr. X proceeds to shimmy his way out of the doorway without opening the door more than 7 inches tops. I have no idea how his body fit through the door. But it was completely obvious he did not want me to see inside his condo. I'm watching this spectacle with his back turned to me. He's holding a carry-on sized suitcase, trying to pull that through the small opening. Comedy. I'm just smiling. I can't wait to see how this all plays out. He literally forces the luggage out of the door and flies around with it swinging in the air, missing a slice to my leg by mere centimeters. I jump back. Then I look at him. Oh. My. God. His face is covered in goo. I'm just staring at him. There is Vaseline all over this guy's face. I stop staring, b/c its rude right? And what if he's been burned or, I don't know, I just didn't want to stare anymore. He's obviously self conscious about it, that's why he just peeked through the door and had his back to me the entire time. I decide to just escort him to the car...lets get back to the office and get this show on the road.

So I get to the car, hit the unlock button for the doors. He opens the back door and throws his luggage in. Shuts the door. And gets in the front seat. Soooo, this is a little strange. I mean most of the time the folks I picked up would ride in the back b/c they thought I was a taxi driver. But that's cool, maybe he doesn't want to be rude. So I get behind the wheel, start the car, he gets in, and scoots all the way over, on the LaSabre's bench seat, to sit right next to me. Thigh to thigh. *awwwwkwarrrrrd* I turn and smile at him.

Me: *very politely* Sir, you think you could scooch over a smidge? *smile widely*
Mr. X: *big toothy grin* Nope!

He then shoves his face about 2 inches from mine and says: Yummm you smell nice!

WTF!?!?!?

Me: Thank you, that's very nice of you. If you could just scoot over a smidge, I'll go ahead and get us back to the office.
Mr. X: *still in my face with his Vaseline almost touching the tip of my nose* You...you...are just a fine young little girl ain'tcha?

I start the car, I put in reverse, and I begin the worst 5 conscious miles of my life, to date. This man will not scoot over. He's in my face. I'm driving, facing forward, and he's breathing in my ear. He's laughing. Like crazy serial killer laughing. We get to a stop sign. I ask him politely one more time to "Please remove yourself from the driver's side of the vehicle. It is unsafe for you to be without a seat belt on, and this close to me while I'm driving. Please move to the passenger side immediately or I'm going to stop the car." He sniffs me, in my ear. I chirp the office. They aren't answering. I chirp incessantly. They won't answer. I say, out loud, in my chirp "I have a situation with my pickup. I NEED you to handle this, before I do." Silence. He laughs again.

*Please note my panic has now turned into rage* We are now driving down 123. This is a busy road, its rush hour, and I feel safer b/c if anything were to happen I'd be surrounded by 5,000 of my closest NoVa commuters and he would never get away with chopping me up and throwing me into the Potomac. We get to a red light and I can see his hand about to reach out for me leg. I lose it.

Me: Don't you dare. Don't you even think about it. Get the FCK away from me. Scoot over right now or I swear to God I'm going to call the police and then I'm going to rip your jugular out.
Mister X: *Smiling* Feisty. (whispers) I like that. I'll move over since I'm making you uncomfortable. Do I make you uncomfortable *My Name*? *Sliding to the passenger side*

We drive another mile. My heart rate slows a bit. The blood in veins is starting to recede below the boiling point. I don't answer him. It is completely silent except for his heavy breathing. I just stare straight forward. But my mind races - I'm going to die. I am going to be killed in this car. He is going to get out a knife/gun. Why did I just say that to him? Holy shit I'm going to die in this stupid Buick LeSabre. I hate this job. I hate him. I'm too young to die. Why me?

As we get closer to the Devil's Rental Car Company office, I start to feel a little better. Perhaps he's going to let me live to see another day. He's a serial killer, I know it. We pull into the drive and he starts to reach for my arm as I put the car in park. I fling open the door and almost hit the cement trying to get out of that car. I ran inside, told them he was a psycho and I was going to the back, they could deal with him.

I sat at my desk, unable to cry, hiding from him. I could hear him at the front desk. He came in laughing. That cackle. He slammed his hands on the desk and said "Where is she? Where is that beauty? I want to eat her for dinner." And made this sucking sounds with his teeth. I just hid....put my face on my desk. If I couldn't see him, he couldn't see me. Or at least what I told myself.

We still rented him a car. A Ford Escort. When he returned it, he asked for me. He asked the guy at the front desk if I had mentioned him, talked about him. He told him I probably thought of him sexually. I was, fortunately, out on another pickup. The seats were covered in Vaseline. Front and back. We charged his credit car for the cleanup fee. He sent a note back with the invoice and it said "I thoroughly enjoyed this rental and I apologize for the mess. I just hope one day that nice young lady *my name* can join me for a fun weekend in one of your rental cars. Signed, Mr. X" Psycho.

Judy with the Big Booty

Top Seven Reasons You Should NEVER Enter the Corporate World:

7. No one ever looks like those stock photos (such as the one to the left). Their hair is usually a hot mess, their clothes are three+ seasons old, and their shoes are just horrid. Most of the time they just suck at life and won't even say "Hi" in the elevator. Once you get into the thousands (of employees) its absolutely impossible to have all sane, competent, and socially accepted individuals.

6. If you are strictly interested in doing your job, forget it. You are expected to do a lot more than your job like say for instance other people's jobs as well. B/c lets be real most people are skating by and its working for everyone except you.

5. Do you like going on vacation or taking days off? Well then corporate America ain't for you my friend. If you're lucky you'll get about 3 weeks off a year. And if you're even luckier, your job will actually let you take those three weeks without making you feel like a total asshole for doing so.

4. One word, politics. If you thought this only existed in American government you are highly mistaken my friend. Corporate America's politics are BRU-TAL. The Good Ole Boys only let a few people in a year. Good luck with that if you have a vag.

3. The IT helpdesk is less than helpful. Same story every place you go "Our IT department is the worst!" Most of the "IT" people know nothing about actual networking or PC configurations, they are more focused on gate keeping. They make sure you don't visit any sites you aren't supposed to, change your password every 6 weeks, and god for bid you access personal email on company time (THIS SITE IS BLOCKED!!!). What do you mean your Outlook is auto-archiving? What do you mean you keep getting a blue screen? That's not their problem, I'm sure you could Google it and find the answer quicker than they could, so give it a whirl.

2. Reactive instead of proactive is the name of the game. Look forward? Plan for the future? Be ahead of the curve. Where do you think you're working, Google??? Get a hold of yourself!

DRUM ROLL PLEASE.....

1. Cube farms are really torture chambers. I'd love to meet that guy who introduced corporate America to the cube farm and kick him in his chode. I mean where else could you be 10 inches from the person you despise most in the world? You can hear their every move (including farting), conversations (especially on speakerphone), and I'm fairly certain you'll know all about their cat "Mister Furrybutt" by the end of your first day.

Yes I did only do seven reasons, and yes I am aware that's pathetic, and yes I know that its a little unorthodox, and yes I know that I'm not funny today. I'm having a hard time coming back from vacay. Do you have three more that are better or apply across the board? Yea, send 'em my way, would love to take a looksie.

Just Call Me the Purger

I'm not sure what happened to me but for those of you who knew me as a child and teenager I was messy. So messy in fact that I would have copious amounts of crap on my bed so I would make a spot for myself on the floor, and sleep there. It was ridiculous and I'm stunned my family allowed me participate in such ridiculous behavior. Actually I'm not all that stunned now that I know what I know. While I was in college I had to live in 400 square feet with two other people. I quickly realized that being messy was a bitch, it just couldn't happen, and if you were messy we were going to have prollll'lems. So I became a neat freak. I mean like NEAT FREAK. No surface went untouched, no closet went without cleaning, I was a machine when it came to being clean and tidy. The smell of bleach brought the biggest smile to my face. Seeing those tub tiles sparkle a little brought a happy little gleam to my eye. Who the feck was I? Who had I become? I had become THE CLEANING MONSTER.

Truth be told, being a clean/neat freak is not something that I learned from my parents. In preparation for family visiting and staying with my parents over the summer months, I put a plan into action for my their house. I wanted to help my parents fit all of their children and their children's children in a four-bedroom house for a fun-filled family visit. Its quite simple you see. You put a queen bed in one of the rooms, a queen sleeper sofa in the office, you make an office, and place bunk beds or two twin beds in the third room. Easy peasy. Right? DEAD WRONG SMART ASS.

So Coal Miner and I decide to make a visit to the 757 to assist my mother and father with this apparently extremely daunting and tiring task (my mother's exact words). I wanted to start out slow. Ease my parents into my purging. By now you probably know that I don't keep things very long. If I haven't worn it in about 9 months its going to Goodwill. I don't care how much it costs, if its ugly, its ugly and a fact is a fact. Goodwill bound. Just because a celebrity wore it or a rich person gave it to you, doesn't make it okay to keep b/c well, it sucks. Goodwill bound. Yea it didn't work out as planned. Each item I picked up to put in our various Goodwill bags was a battle. I received responses like: "Someone might want that.", "I paid a lot of money for that.", "That's really nice! I might use that one day.", "I fit in that a few years back, I'll fit into it again.", "I don't have any clothes in these 5 closets, you can't give those away!" "Mom mother paid a lot of money for that and gave it to me. Now, I don't use it, but that doesn't matter, put it back." The battle itself was so exhausting that I wanted nothing more than to do manual labor for 12 hours straight. Seriously, I would have paid to switch places with the Mexicans waiting for the paint trucks to pick them up at 7-11 on Little River Turnpike. How sad is that? Coal Miner started punching the air in the living room (true story based on fact).

In two hours I filled 7 bags with clothing. Yep you read that right. And that was only the start.

I love my parents, but I'm convinced after this little visit that they might be on the brink of hoarding. I'm going to try and convince my sisters to call A&E with me and stage an intervention. It will be like Intervention and Hoarders combined. If you don't' know what I'm talking about you need to do yourself a favor and watch these two shows on A&E. Intervention for one makes me feel really good about myself b/c I'm really glad I'm not a crack head, its so unbecoming (side note: my parents aren't crack heads either, but it would be a hoarding intervention b/c I'm fairly certain my mother is addicted to shopping). It also saddens me deeply b/c its a vicious cycle that really is difficult to break and most often just ends with (SPOILER ALERT FOR ALL SHOWS) a relapse. Hoarders, well...*sighing right now*. How people can be so mentally unstable to live in the conditions they do is beyond me. I mean I want to shake the shit out of them, but they wouldn't even care b/c most of them actually shit on their own floors (or in bags). Its foul, but its eye opening. Do it, go watch them. Do it now, I'm waiting. You can watch them online. Really, you can thank me later.

I've gone off topic haven't I? I have a tendency to do that, did you notice? I went down for the July 4th holiday and I have to say I actually didn't feel as crammed like sardines as I usually do. I don't know if its b/c Coal Miner and I slept in twin beds (I still laugh at this regularly) and had a lot of room for our stuff in my old bedroom, or if it was because I was just so happy to be home, with my family, having a blast. But it was roomier, none the less. It really isn't as bad as I make it sound, but if you are a neat freak like me, entering the front doors is like a panic attack waiting to happen. At any rate my mother would be mortified if she found out that I was blogging about this, so do me a favor and keep it to yourself interwebs.

Woah Horsey!

I think everyone has days that you wish would just end right? Like Mondays. Most Mondays are horrid. They drag ass. They are a reminder of why you wish you were a self-made millionaire or maybe just a heir to someones fortune. The bring the constant reminder that you will always be tied to a desk. Sigh. But today, I had a moment. A moment where I started realizing I was wishing my days away. I wish away the week so I can get to the weekend. But in the process of doing that I'm wishing my life away. Each night Coal Miner and I get about 2 - 3 hours together. Then its time to hit the sack and do it all again. I spend most of my days commuting to/from my office and working my tail off while I'm there. While that isn't the ideal scenario, I shouldn't be wishing my days away. What if something terrible were to happen tomorrow? What if I never got that day back? I notice each day a new gray hair, another line in my face, an extra pound I can't explain. I'm getting older. And that's a hard pill to swallow.

I don't want to get to get older. I don't want gray hair. I don't want sagging skin. I don't want to be old. I was at CVS on Thursday and an elderly man was picking up his prescriptions. He could barely walk, was hunched over, had a brown bag filled with multiple prescriptions, he looked miserable. I don't want that for myself or for anyone I love. Getting older sucks. And here I am wishing all of my days away and getting older each time I wish one of them gone.

Do you wish your days away? I think most people are guilty of that. I realize when people tell me "You two have a whole lifetime together" that we do, but what if we don't? What if its all taken from me and I didn't do my damnedest to make sure I reveled in every moment of it? I wonder if maybe I chose a path for myself that I can't escape. The money, the cars, the house, the nice things. While I say I'd be happier with a simpler life, would I? Or would I long for all these "things" once I gave them up?

I know I'm young enough that I can stop at any moment. I can say feck it and move where ever I want. Yes, there are going to be consequences, some that aren't going to be pleasant, but that option is always there. Am I afraid of doing that? Am I afraid of not having these things?

All I know is I can't wish my days away any longer. And I want you to be sure you don't either.

Homeless People Used to Love Me. Apparently Not Anymore.

Today I was walking to lunch by myself. If you know me, you know I work in Tenleytown and there was an armed robbery at the Capital One in my building yesterday. You'd also know that they did not tell us this and we had to find out about it on the radio this morning. Thanks paycheck place. So anyway, as I'm walking past the McDonald's I see what appears to be a $50 bill on the ground. I stop, look around, no one seems to be missing anything, so I bend down and pick it up. I then realize its two $50 bills. Again, holding the two $50 bills in the tips of my fingers, look around to see if anyone is missing $100 and has just now noticed. Again, no one seems to flinch. So I take one more look around, and when I get back facing front a homeless man is about two feet from me. He snatches the two $50 bills out my hands, and runs away screaming "HA HA HA HA I GOT IT BITCH! I GOT IT! YOU DUMB! YOU SO DUMB!" I just stand there. People continue to pass by me, no one says anything, until I hear this cackling. I look over, and sitting under the awning at the McDonald's another homeless gentleman is laughing. We make eye contact, and in his scruffy voice he says "You just got Punk'd lady. He stole your money. That shit is funny!" I'm still standing in the same spot. The homeless guy has stopped running and is currently waving the money in the air jumping up and down and laughing at me. I think I just got robbed, with someone else's money, by a homeless man. End of story.

Women Should Help Women. End of Story.

I'm a firm believer in helping others. Whether I know you or not. If you are in a pinch, I'll most likely help out. Its just something my parents taught me and I hope to teach my children one day as well. I apply the same principle when it comes to my career. I find that by helping others you really do end up furthering your own career by teaching yourself and others at the same. I'm particularly interested in helping my female colleagues move up the food chain. Recently I've noticed that sentiment really isn't shared by most women here at the paycheck place. I'm always open to offer my assistance, my feedback, and a helping hand to the my female counterparts. It appears a large number of them aren't willing to do the same. It got me thinking...why is that?

I went back in my mind to my first job out of college. I worked for a major rental car company who promised me the world. I was working 14 hour days, in the rain, sleet or snow (my hair actually froze on several occasions), for $10/hour, in DC. I was cleaning cars, risking my life driving around in the snow, being verbally abused by customers, all while my female boss stood by and said "I need more from you Megan. More hours, more smiles, more sales. Just, MORE!" She offered me no assistance on how to fulfill these goals she had set for me and when I told her that I wasn't happy and was thinking about finding another job, she laughed. She told me most women weren't cut off for this line of work. But she was, she was making it, and I, well I was just another "girl who can't handle the pressure." She set the tone for the next decade of my life.

Since then I've had over 6 female bosses, with only one of them devoting the time and effort towards mentoring me. I still keep in touch with her, mostly b/c I would give anything to work for her again. She was calm, courageous, outspoken, and smart. Above all, she was genuinely interested in allowing me to flourish in my career.

I've had two male bosses in the past 3 years, they both got me promoted (two promotions, two different bosses). I don't even think I need to say anything more. Why ladies? Why? Do we do it to ourselves? I think so. We are the demise of our own gender. That glass ceiling is still there and if you think it isn't, you are highly mistaken. Each day I watch the good ole boys walk down these hallways. They still run shit. They will continue to run shit. Unless we band together. Why don't you want to see your fellow ladies kick ass and take names? I envision a woman running this great nation. Displaying grace, instilling values, extending the olive branch, all while decreasing our debt, keeping social security alive, and creating balance. We do this at home everyday, why can't we do it for the country as well?

I know I may seem like I'm on a "WOMAN POWER" rant right now. That's not the intention. I want you to really take a look, as a female, at the women around you. Are you ensuring that we all get to the top. If you go, will you take them with you? Are you still stabbing women in the back, years after you've left your childhood behind? Do you realize how powerful women really are, and could continue to be? I have so many girlfriends who are killing it at work right now. I want nothing more than to see you have it all. You'll get there, I'm certain of it. Just promise me when you do, you'll another female that opportunity. Promise me you'll go out of your way to enrich the career of another female. How could you not? We owe it to ourselves ladies. We are the only way.

Jazz Hands

I was laying in bed last night and was going through the day's events in my head. It was Mother's Day, we spent the day with Coal Miner's family looking at spots for our rehearsal dinner, showing his rents the wedding site, and eating dinner as a family to celebrate CM's Mom. All in all, a pretty good day. The sun was shining, we were productive, it was a good day. So why did I have this dread filling my head. This overwhelming urge to bury my head in my pillow and sleep forever. Was it depression? I think not. Depression is a serious disease and the term is hugely overused and under appreciated. Was I sad? Nah, I'm not really a sad person. Was it unhappiness? Hmph. Could it be? Could I be unhappy? No way. How could I even begin to think I was unhappy? I have my health, an amazing man, a supportive and loving family, a great group of friends, a roof over my head, a job that pays me well, the respect of my peers. I just felt like I could go on and on listing the reasons as to how I could not possibly be unhappy. And in that moment I made a decision. Instead of thinking of the overwhelming tasks that lie ahead of me each week, maybe I just approach things a little differently. To ensure I stay on task I've decided I'm going to chronicle my journey on Tumblr. Feel free to follow along if you feel so inclined. I'll basically just be jotting down notes each day as to why I'm happy, why I should be happy, and how I'm feeling. An online journal of sorts. I haven't written in my diary in over a year. I miss it. I loved writing in my diary. Going back, reading the happenings, seeing my feelings, reminiscing over events. So I'm going to treat Tumblr as my diary. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it isn't, but hell I figure you should try everything at least once right?

Here's to Happy Journaling - wish me luck.

Yea, You Aren't a Celebrity.

 

There's been a recent outbreak of engagements! At least one every other week or two. It’s kind of insane. I'm all about people getting married, but lets make sure we are getting married for the right reasons and not just b/c everyone else is doing it (or because someone gave you an ultimatum). Maybe I'm only noticing b/c I'm engaged, but it’s a little bizarre. Since Coal Miner and I got engaged in October there have been 8+ new engagements. That's a lot, dontcha think? Just seems a little weird to me.

CM and I set out to plan our bachelor/ette parties a few months ago. My MOHs are planning mine, and CM's brother is planning his (God help us all, this kid thinks money grows on trees since he doesn't have to make his own). I like to think of myself as a thoughtful person (most of the time). I was really concerned with the expense of my bachelorette party (as was CM). My MOHs wanted to go to Miami, the Keys, or NYC. But once we started adding all of that up, it just seemed like it was a bit excessive to ask my friends and family to spend $900+ on my bachelorette weekend. Never mind the fact that they would also have to take off work. So if you start adding the expense for my bachelorette party, bridal showers, and the wedding itself (dress, shoes, hotel, hair/makeup), it's a little much. So I went the inexpensive yet fun route. You can't go wrong with going to the beach can you?

But recently I've started hearing all of these newly engaged folks talking about their bachelor/ette parties and it’s pretty amusing. Vegas. Paris. Italy. Really? A $1k/night suite for 4 nights? A table at Tao? Take a week off of work? They have to pay for your room? Maybe part of your airfare? Really? I'm sorry I think you may have confused yourself with Kim Kardashian. Baby girl you ain't got her butt and you sure as shit aren't starring in homemade porn with Ray J, so maybe you should layoff the baller mentality and snap back into reality. Perhaps be a little less selfish and start being a little more selfless. Think about the big picture and the costs that your wedding party is incurring. Because when it comes time for one of your friends to get married I bet you aren't going to be so excited about using your limited vacay and hard earned cash to go on some last minute getaway to celebrate the fact that someone is mourning their last days being single. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of marriage anyway? Who the eff is sad about getting married? You definitely shouldn't be getting married if that's the case. And if you want to go on vacation with your girlfriends, plan a little girls trip. Don't use your wedding as an excuse to get people to pay for your vacation. You just look like cheap ass with a princess complex to me.

I know people are going to say I'm jealous. I'm not jealous. I've got the funds. I've got the vacation. I just don't have the balls to be that selfish. I'm convinced that my friends/family will thank me for that little gem when it’s all said and done.

Secret Lovers

I have a secret lover. Yes, its true. Don't you worry your pretty little heads, Coal Miner knows all about it. He's not happy about it, but there really isn't anything he can do. Our affair started long before I met him, and I have no plans to discontinue the relationship. I just can't stop. Its too addicting. Its too exciting. Put those two things together, and you basically can't compete. I've apologized to Coal Miner, but I don't even know that he cares anymore. You can't even compare the two really. I mean there's history there. We've been through a lot together. I just remember that feeling I got when I opened that first package I received at the beginning of our relationship. The joy of walking up to my door, seeing the package there, knowing who it was from. The anticipation, the heart racing...it just can't be matched. The feelings that rush over me...Coal Miner just can't give me that, he just can't. I can't give up my catalogs. I love my catalogs. They bring me immense joy.

Listen (this is mostly for Coal Miner), I know they clog our mailbox. I realize there are about 50+ of them lying around the house right now. But they are my guilty pleasure. Even the mailman knows I need them. I love looking through them, finding new cool stuff. I sure as shit love ordering from them. Honestly look at all of the cute clothes I get from Victoria's Secret, you cannot deny me that, can you? I'm like a giddy little school girl when I see the packages at the front door. Its soooo exciting. And I find all these cool home decor things that no one would have ever thought of, right? Think of our curtains, where did I find those? Not in a store, nope I couldn't find them for months. Until one day, that sweet sweet Z Gallerie catalog arrived. 6 months I waited to find the perfect curtains, and there they were!! So yea, I love them. I mean I really love my catalogs. My heart beats a little faster when I see the mailbox stuffed to the brim with them. Yea yea I get it, sometimes its hard to get the mailbox open with the key because the catalogs are blocking the lock. But that's the price you have to pay for finding delightful treasures in catalogs. How could anyone deny me that pleasure? HOW?

So that's that. I'm not giving them up. I love them. They love me. The mailman stays gainfully employed. I stay happy. I contribute to the economy. Really, this is a win-win situation for everyone don't you think? I love you catalogs. You are my fave.