Youz a Ho

So currently I work on this program at work where I have to listen-in on folks calling into a call center for assistance with their home loans.  Needless to say I've had some pretty interesting moments while listening in to these calls.  I feel bad b/c I've actually cried on a few of those b/c they are just heart wrenching, but then there are people who are just angry, or those that are just off their faking rockers.  Let me just give you a little insight into my daily life:

1. Caller:  I 'm having a hard time hearing you b/c my left ear is all clogged up with wax.  Can you speak a little louder?
   
   
2. Agent:  What is the total monthly income of those contributing?
   Caller:  Well I give most of my money to Jesus.
   Agent:  Oh that's wonderful ma'am.  What is the total monthly income of those contributing?
   Caller:  Ask Jesus how much I give him.  He'll tell you.
   
   
3. Agent:  How can we help you today?
   Caller:  I didn't ask for your *bleep*'ing help!
   
   
4. Agent:  Would you like me to transfer you to our Spanish speaking agents?
   Caller:  Huh?
   Agent:  I can transfer you to a spanish speaking agent if that would be more helpful.
   Caller:  Huh?  I don't speak Spanish, I'm from India.
   Agent:  Oh.
   
   
5. Caller (while on hold):  I hate all these representatives.  I'm sure they are all stupid *bleep*'ing idiots and never graduated from high school.  Hello?  Is anyone there?  Stupid *bleep*'ing people.  I don't even know why I'm on hold (inaudible)...something about needing to verify my information.  I hate these *bleep*'ing people.
   
   
6. Colleague of mine:  i was on hold while monitoring calls the other day...and the music was like this new agey/porn sounding music.  kinda freaked me out.
   
   
7. Agent:  Thank you for calling [not telling you where I really work] how can we help you today?
   Caller:  Hello?
   Agent:  Thank you for calling [mind your business] how can we help you today?
   Caller:  Oh, there you are!  Did you know that I haven't paid my mortgage since May?
   Agent:  No sir I didn't know that.  I'm sorry to hear about that, how may we help you today?
   Caller:  Well you could pay my mortgage for me.  That would be a good start.  I mean doesn't everyone else get bailouts these days.  Can you bail me out [agent's name]?
   Agent:  No sir, unfortunately I can't.
   Caller:  Well that's a b*tch, thanks for your help.  OR NO *bleep*'ing HELP!  THIS COUNTRY BLOWS!
   
   
8. Agent:  Can I have your loan number?
   Caller:  I don't know it.
   Agent:  Okay, and what is your monthly mortgage payment including all taxes and HOA fees.
   Caller:  I have no idea.  Where would I find that?
   Agent:  That's okay sir, can you provide me the property address?
   Caller:  Where would I find that?
   Agent:  Sir you do live in the house correct?
   Caller:  Yep, I own the house.
   
   
9. Caller:  *singing* Imma get my mortgage paid...what now, what now.  Imma get my mortgage paid...yea yea, ooo oooo.  Imma get my mortgage paid, and stay up in my house.

These are just some of the higlights.  I won't mention any of the people who made me cry b/c those are not funny in the least bit.  They are hella depressing.  But these literally made my day when I was listening-in.  I'm sure I'll have more of these at a later date.

Well When I Hit it Big....

I have this new coworker, well actually he isn't new. I mean I moved office buildings and he just happened to be sitting in the cube across from my office when I moved into that jank. So I guess technically I'm the new coworker, whatever, technicalities, technicalities. Back to my story, so this guy is unbelievable. The other day he walks over to me, while picking his nose, and asks me if I have a tissue by any chance. I simply reply to him "Why? It looks like you've got that bugger under control." I smile and turn back to the report I'm editing. He stays in the doorway and says "Well, do you?" I slowly raise my head and say "Yea, over there, please don't touch anything else." So he grabs a tissue out of the box and walks out. No thank you or anything. Nice booger guy, nice. So yesterday, while minding my own business I hear this loud smacking noise. I can't for the life of me figure out what in the world that sound could be. Cue booger man, its the sound of him smacking his gum in his mouth. I mean seriously, that loud? Must be some good, juicy a$$ gum. So I'm like "Hey, you have any gum?" He says "Nope." I'm like "Really? Hmmm." I let that go, b/c I'm a nice person. Later in the day I notice he is walking around the office barefoot. Okay, I'll let that go too b/c I'm all about our employees feeling "at home" while in the office. However, please note that this carpet has clearly been here since the 90s and may not have been cleaned since it was installed. I mean I spilled my clam chowder on it the other day and left it for the cleaning people to figure out. Oh shut your face, it wasn't the whole thing, just a splatter of sorts. I've also flicked boogers (yep I just said that), dropped my lunch, popcorn, God knows, I've let it simmer on that carpet. So homeboy can continue to walk around barefoot. Hope ya don't catch ringworm buddy.  

Anyway, fast forward to this afternoon when I'm sitting in my office minding my own business and Mister Inappropriate answers his desk phone, speaking at level 28 on a scale of 1 - 10, and starts talking to someone in his family (I'm assuming his wife or child).  Now not only is he speaking at Level 28, he's chewing his mid-afternoon snack (which is a foot long sub.  Who eats an afternoon snack of a foot long sub?  THIS GUY!).  Whoever is on the other end obviously can't understand him b/c he says "Can you not hear me?  I said..." and then says "No, I said...." and then says something I couldn't even begin to translate b/c he took a huge bite of his sub.  Homeboy is a hot mess.  The person on the other end was obviously irritated by this entire exchange b/c the phone call ended with him saying "okay, okay, we can talk about this when I get home since you can't seem to understand me."  Dude, of course no one can understand you.  You are talking with a mouth full of cold cuts, lettuce, and condiments!

Bottom line, I love this guy.  He is my only source of entertainment throughout the day.  He doesn't get my sense of humor at all.  He doesn't even know when I'm joking him.  This is the best colleague I've ever had, hands down.  I can only hope the next few weeks are filled with more inappropriate behavior.  I told my boss about it and he asked if I wanted to move, to which I replied "You CAN NOT BE SERIOUS?  This is AWESOME!"  he looked at me strange but I don't care, b/c once I find some humor in my day, I'm sticking around to find out what else this guy has up his sleeve.  I'm going to say a little prayer tonight in hopes of more good fortune.  Who knew moving office buildings was going to be this much fun?  HOT DAMN I'm a happy girl!