Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
For those of you who don't know, I'm what you would call an "Advanced Dreamer". I can control my dreams (the majority of the time), dream in color / black and white, dream in different languages (and fully comprehend what is happening without even knowing the language), view my dreams from outside of the dream (aka out of body), have multiple dreams throughout the evening (and still remember them in the morning) and last but not least I keep a dream journal to remind me of my completely insane dreaming habits. But lately, I don't know what to make of my dreams. For about two years now one individual has had this presence in my dreams and I just can't seem to move beyond their continual interaction with me. And I'm not exaggerating when I say at least once or twice a week for the past two years it has been this way. I even took the initiative to ask this person, during my dream, why they were always "popping" up. They simply responded "because you want me here..." and then smiled. I refuted saying that I did not want them there and again the response of "you want me here" and then disappearing for the remainder of the dream.
But what bothers me most is the feeling I have when the person is there. Whether it be their face or not, I know its them. I'm so happy....so beyond happy. Its a feeling that right now is bringing me to tears because I don't know if I'm that happy right now. I don't know if I can be that happy again without them being a part of my life. Its hard to wake up from one of these dreams and make sense of what's going on around me. How can someone be so absent in my waking life yet so real and involved in my dreaming life. There are times in my waking life when I forget that I haven't spoken to this person in years. They are just so real to me, so right, so wonderful. Yet I know, looking back on my life, that it wasn't that wonderful when they were real and involved, I wasn't that happy in the end, I didn't love them as much as I do in my dream, or maybe I did...I've taken the time to research why this endless cycle of specific presence takes place. Apparently I miss some (or all) piece of this relationship and I'm not currently experiencing this in my existing relationship. Meaning, my mind is seeking this and trying to tell me subconsciously that I should seek this out in my waking life to stir these feelings that occur in my dream state and make them a reality. What would be really helpful is if someone were to tell me exactly which pieces / behaviors / feelings I'm subconsciously searching. I mean I'm loved, I'm having fun, I'm have good friends, I have a good job, am I missing something? Apparently I am....guess I'll just have to keep searching subconsciously until in my awake state I have that "AHA!" moment. Until then my friend, until then.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
Just to give you a little background this woman is so wise. So wise that there are days I find myself drawn to her desk just to sit with her, even if for just a moment, just to revel in her knowledge and her rosy aspect on life. But today, I saw gloom in her eyes...this saddened me. I asked her what was wrong and she said to me "I'm not going to be one of those people who tells you to wait to get married because you have a lot of time. I'm not going to tell you that because people used to tell me that and look at me now. I'm 40, I have no prospects, and I'm sad....I'm really sad." I just stared in amazement. I didn't realize she was unhappy, I didn't realize she was desperately looking for her mate, I didn't realize that she was essentially living vicariously through me just waiting for that moment I came into the office flashing a diamond on my left hand. Though she is sad, she gave me the most amazing advice this morning.
She state (verbatim) "To men, women are like buses. There will always be another one coming through, they can always catch another one at a later day. But to us, to women, this is not the case. We accept men for who they are, for the bad, for the good, and when we find one, we say "let's just do this, let's just take a chance". Men, they think there will always be something better or comparable to come along. But what if there isn't, what if you miss your bus? But maybe we need to start behaving like men. When men aren't ready they just aren't ready and they don't fool with the ones who are. When they are ready, they are ready, and don't fool with the ones that aren't. So if we behave this way we can't lose, we'll definitely find our mate. Megan, you aren't getting any younger. Before you know it you'll be 35 years old wondering "what the hell happened? why did i spend so much time with this asshole?" and I don't want that for you. Make him decide. Make him decide does he want the package or does he want the situation? Men want things to be so neat and tidy and to happen at the exact right time. Well guess what, there isn't a right time and there never will be. So does he want you, the package, or does he want the situation, the right time. Make him decide...make him decide...." And with that, I walked away more at ease and more confused than ever...."make him decide....make him decide" it just keeps playing over and over again in my head. This wise woman is so right, yet she has told me something that is so hard to digest....make him decide.....
Sadly, gone are the days where I could just blow it all off, have a drink and wait for the next day to arrive. Unfortunately for me, I'm just too grown up for that. But maybe I'm too grownup. I mean everyone around me is so grownup that I've forced myself to become this aging woman. But I'm only 27! No I hear you, its really not that young...believe me, I know. But I just wonder, what if I decided to tell my funk to take a hike. If I told everyone that questions my every move to go take a hike, what if I just said fug it and lived my life by the day and not by the calendar? Would that make it better? I find it highly unlikely.
See, I'm a worrier....my mother is a worrier and its one of the traits I inherited from her. I worry about everything, especially about death. I mean what if I die tomorrow, who will come to my funeral? Believe it or not, I've actually made a list of the individuals I feel would attend (guess what, if you aren't on that list we probably haven't spoken in a while, lol). Isn't that sick? But its real...I'm worried about my job, about my relationship, about my friendships, about my skin, about my clothes, my bank account, my car, my hair, my weight, my parents, my grandmother, my family's health, freak accidents, YOU NAME IT I'M WORRIED ABOUT IT!
But I realize you can't go through your life worrying, so tonight, after a lot of crying and a little bit of Britney Spears (and her very timid comeback) I realized I HAVE to get out of this funk! And the only way I'm going to do it is if I stop worrying about what everyone else thinks, about my next move, about my career, about EVERYTHING and just live. I'm just going to seriously L-I-V-E. But I'm forewarning you, I'm pretty sure "just living" involves a little sky diving!!!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
At one point I was flattered that I was "sooo cool!" that the significant other WANTED to come and hang out with me...but then I realized....it had nothing to do with me. It was at the request of their wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend. They didn't want to go alone. Are our lives so different that you don't feel comfortable around me without them? Am I so strange that you can't be the person I grew to love without your partner? I find this very hard to believe. So, I've made a conscious effort to be Megan at all times and I hope I'm doing a good job (I know I get lost every now and then, I'm sorry I usually come out of hiding don't I?), I just want the same from my friends. Just be you around me, just you and me. Maybe I'm just at a different point in my life. Maybe I'm too independent..maybe I've just changed. I'm not sure, but I am sure of this, the next I am say "Let's go grab a drink" if you answer "What time should we be there?" I'm going to hang up on you!
I've lived in Northern Virginia for 5 years now. Of the time that I've lived here I've had three (3) visitors. One was my mother, the second my sister, and the third my friend Kati (we went to the Tech game at FedEx two years ago). Of the 5 years that I've lived here I've traveled far and away to visit my friends/family. I've gone to Richmond, Atlanta, North Carolina, Miami, Charlottesville, New York, Virginia Beach, Roanoke, West Palm Beach, Norfolk, California and various places in the Metro DC/VA/MD area. And I haven't visited these places just once, I've gone multiple times. Yet, not one person (with the exception of Kati two years ago) has made any attempt to come visit me. I know I'm not supposed to talk about this b/c I'm going to stir up some bad feelings and people are going to feel hurt, etc, etc (hence the image to the left) but I'm just extremely irritated by it now. I get guilt trips left and right about visiting folks, but I don't throw that on anyone, NOT ONCE have I done that...until today. I feel bad b/c I think the brunt of my frustration came out in my email to one person when really it was intended for an entire distribution list. Heck, even my family expects me to come to them instead of the reverse. Because I'm only one...I'm single...it’s expected....it’s not fair nor right and I have a pretty big issue with it.
I have a pretty harsh commute in the morning (if you live in Northern Virginia you understand). Each morning I get in my car to drive 13 miles. This 13 mile commute takes me 45 minutes on a good day. Yes, on a good day! I then get back in my car around 5:30/6:00pm to drive another 45 minutes, on a good day. I spend at least 2 hours of my day in a car. Do you think its fair for folks to request that I come visit them 4 hours away on my weekend? Before you answer that, let me also give you a little insight. We have this little area of NoVa called "The Mixing Bowl". This is where 495, 395, 295, and 95 come together...its awful, and it takes over 1 hour to get from that little spot to Woodbridge and then another hour to get to Quantico. So it takes me 2 hours to get out of NoVa (unless I leave on a random Thursday night or before 6am on a Friday). I would then have another 2 hours (at least) to get to my destination if it’s located someone on the map of Virginia. Now, you are right, I could leave on a Thursday night or a Friday morning but this entails me taking a vacation day. Oh that's nice...I'm taking a vacation day to come see people who have NEVER come to visit me? Does this sound right? Again, not fair nor right and I have a pretty big issue with it. Oh and don't even get me started on coming back here on a Sunday afternoon...you might as well fill up your tank, get some snacks, and get comfortable...cause you AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! 240 miles = 6 hours...oh that's fun...OR NOT!
So all I'm saying people is cut me some slack okay. Unless you plan on showing your pretty little face in NoVa anytime soon (and I'm NOT talking about on your way to a football/baseball game) I suggest you put on your big boy pants (thanks RayRay) and quit your bitchin' b/c I'm trying my hardest to make everyone happy and believe me, it isn't easy!!!