Monday, February 15, 2010

Why No, Actually I Don't Live in Vermont

I've decided to write a list of things that I miss. See as i've grown older (and if one more person calls me a "soon to be cougar" I'm going to kick their a$$) I'm not quite as fun as I used to be. No, I swear it, its true. I mean yea I know, I'm still super fun, but not like the 20-something super fun I used to be ya know. So I'm going to write about the 20-something antics I used to engage, and why I miss them. Its more therapy for me than for you, so shut your face. Maybe I'll write something fun next week when I'm sitting on my couch watching Lifetime again. Ps, Lifetime is a horrible channel. How did I at one point "love this channel"?!!? Man I had issues.

I Miss You....
Metabolism: You and I were once inseparable. You were quick, fast, speedy and allowed me to barely gain any weight without ever exercising. Its official, you have slowed down and have forced me to begin running copious amounts of miles each week. Its okay, I understand, its a fact of life. But I really miss you. Perhaps you could come back and visit?

Dancing on Boxes/Stages/Bars: We had some good times didn't we? Not only was it hella fun, I made money doing it. Yea I know, my outfits were a bit skanky and I had to work super late hours. But I got free booze, and made cash, and didn't have claim a dime of it. Now I could never dream of getting up on a bar, scantily clad, and show up Beyonce's moves. And no readers, I was not a stripper, I was a club dancer. Jezus you guys have no faith in me.

Staying up until 5am and sleeping-in until 1pm: Oh how I long to see the sunrise in a druken haze again. Oh how I long to put up darkening shades at 5am so I can sleep until mid-afternoon. Only to wake up and do it all again the next day. In all actuality the thought of that does not inspire me at all. It actually makes me yawn, but hey it was a lot of fun at the time.

Cigarettes: Smokey friend, we have parted ways but how I long to take one nice long drag, right after a sip of RedBull and Vodka. Ahhhh I can taste it now. That smokey aftertaste in my mouth, then I take another sip of the RedBull and Vodka. Then the buzz kicks in. yea, that was nice. All except the possibility of getting lung cancer part. WTF was I thinking? Thanks be to God I stopped doing that. HOWEVER, please note I loved it at the time. It was so theraputic. But stupid.

Fast Food as a Hangover Cure: Oh McDonald's, we've been through some tough times together. Your fountain soda, greasy burger, and medium fry could cure even the worst hangover. Laying on the living room floor, wishing I were dead, with my roommates feeding me a Big N' Tasty meal, and feeling better within a hour. Oh yes, McDonald's you ARE the most amazing hangover cure. Too bad that metabolism thing slowed down and now I can instantly feel the fat hit my thighs if I even take a bite of a Big N' Tasty.

Wednesdays Are the New Thursday, Thursdays are the New Friday, etc: Glasses of cabernet for $2.50? Why yes, I think I'll have 12, on a Tuesday, why not? That my friends, was RAD. We used to drink like every night. I mean like getting FACED every night. I don't even remember most of those nights, but I do remember that they were f-u-n. Tuesdays were the new Wednesdays, I don't care what anyone says. Shall we dance Wednesday? One final farewell?

*Le sigh* I do miss all of you so...I miss you so.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

No Way, Yes Way, No Way, YES WAY

Okay I live in Northern Virginia, as everyone knows, and if you didn't well now you do. Anyway, shiz is expensive. Like hella expensive. Gas, groceries, housing, cars, you name it, its expensive. Like for instance I heart Velveeta cheese slices. Its $5 for a package of Velveeta slices at the Giant (which is our "cheapest grocery store"). However, in the Va Bizzle, where my mother resides, its only $3. Can someone please explain to me how that cheese became $2 more expensive in 200 miles? Did it really cost you $2 extra dollars to ship that cheese 200 miles? And I'm pretty sure we (meaning DC) are closer to that processing plant than Va Bizzle, so again I ask you how this is possible. Its possible b/c the median household income in Northern Virginia is $102,700 and in Virginia Beach its $67,900. Yep, 2 hours and $30,000 later I pay $2 more for cheese than my mother does. But lets get down to the point b/c I'm not here to talk about cheese, I'm here to talk about Valentine's Day.

Does anyone else find this holiday to be foul? If Coal Miner doesn't tell me that he loves me on any other days besides VDay I will kick him in the shins. I guess I get it. Its a day to celebrate your love. But I celebrate my love every single day with a glass of wine and wham bam thank you ma'am. So take that Valentine's Day. However, and you knew there was one, if Coal Miner were interested in purchasing me something for said foul holiday, I wouldn't be opposed to this. I mean our anniversary HAPPENS to coincide with said foul holiday (okay its like 5 days later but don't be so dayum technical, for the love of God) so I can't say that buying me a little something (read MORE DIAMONDS) would be such a silly idea. Honestly, I think its a great idea. We can celebrate the day of love, our fantastic relationship, the anniversary of our meeting, and whatever else we want to lump into the holiday.

I'm also here to talk about the fact that the type of house I want in Northern Virginia is not attainable at the current moment b/c its over $700K here and only $250K in the rest of the United States of America. I know you are probably telling me to shut my face right now b/c probably make a good amount of money and if I really hate it so much I should move, but I kind of like DC. Nah, I don't, but its good to try and convince yourself every now and then that you really really enjoy your 11-mile, 45+minute commute. And your 10+hour work days aren't so bad. I mean who doesn't love getting to work at 8:30 and leaving at 8pm? That's a good time! Oh and not working out anymore is super awesome. Coal Miner did say that he liked big booties, so never fear my love, my secretary's spread is a' growin'! Overall, I've met some amazing people here in DC so I can't knock it too much and I really do (sadistically) like my job and the folks I work with/for, so its not all bad. I just wish I didn't have to plan my trips to the grocery store/gas station/visiting friends around a permanent rush hour.

Back to Valentines Day since that's why we are really here. Coal Miner shouldn't have bought me diamonds for Christmas or let me pick out engagement rings b/c now I'm antsy. I find myself looking at diamonds online - watches with diamonds, bracelets with diamonds, diamond rings, engagement rings (a lot), oy vey, make it stop. And to answer that, the way to make it stop is to buy me more right? No I'm kidding, I don't' really need any more diamonds (need being the operative word here), so really don't buy me anything for Valentine's Day Coal Miner. No really, I think its a silly holiday. No, I do, I really do. Wait you do want to buy me something? Well shucks...I mean if you want to buy me something...I mean I guess I couldn't refuse a gift.