Monday, October 29, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Yesterday I attended two baby showers. Both for long time friends, happily married, one planned, one not so planned but still welcomed. The first shower was a bit uncomfortable as I haven't seen the mother-to-be in a while. But it wasn't b/c of her. She and I can see each other once a year and it feels like it was yesterday. It was more the people in attendance. There were a group of ladies sitting with her and I didn't know a one of them. To be honest I only knew her childhood best friend, her sister, and her mother. Now keep in mind there were about 50+ people there. So anyway these ladies were all about my age, but didn't even say hi to me when I introduced myself. I thought maybe she had said something about me, but then I realized it wasn't me, it was what I represented. I was single, young, skinny, and the words marriage and children never escaped my mouth. I think they may have resented me, or, well...I don't know. So off from that shower to another shower I went.
When I arrived at the second shower again I didn't know anyone but the mother-to-be (she moved about a year ago), her sister, and her mother. But the mom-to-be is my lovie and after 10 seconds it felt like I just saw her last week. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but then I met another young lady like myself who didn't really know anyone. So we started chatting and she said something that rang very true with me. We were just talking about the shower and our plans and she says "I'm just not prepared for this, are you?" I chuckled b/c of course I'm not, and I told her that this is about the third time I've had this conversation at a baby shower. So she continues to say "So, is it strange for you?" And I think I said something I've been thinking but never really said out loud. I told her "Its hard because you look around and you realize you just aren't in this stage in your life, you may not be for a while, and you truly just don't belong. But I've been trying really hard to stay good friends and understand their new lives. I'm just not sure they understand my life just isn't the same as theirs. Its really easy to see why people grow apart as the years go on. But please do not feel like you are taking too long or you are missing out, b/c you aren't. We are both just fine, its just that we are on a little bit of a different plan than they are. Take your time, there's no rush!" She smiled, said "Yea, you are right! There is no rush and I don't need to be married or have a child to feel complete!" I smiled, and said "Exactly" then we continue to play "Baby Shower Bingo" and smiled at each other when everyone ooo'ed and ahhh'ed at the gifts that were given because we had no idea why you would be so excited about them.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Experience at my girlfriend's last night was fine. She totally understood and actually commended me on my willpower. She made this amazing homemade bruschetta and it took everything in me not to grab a piece of fresh mozzarella, the bread, and pile on the tomatoes and fresh basil from her garden. But I did it! I made it the whole night.I had a terrible time sleeping last night. I could hear everything happening in my stomach. I woke up countless number of times and it was just horrid. Then I decided to do the SWF this morning...BAD IDEA!! Made me so ill. I threw it all up, it was horrible, just horrible. I don't know what it was but I had it at night and I was totally fine. So I don't think I'll be doing that in the morning again!! My sister is coming in tonight, I hope she doesn't think I'm completely over the top for doing this, and I won't be able to eat dinner with her, but hey its something I'm trying right? :) Been good today. Feeling okay, pain in the lower back is still there, but apparently everyone mentions this so its probably just something to do with the kidneys and such.
Okay I slept much much better last night, but I'm ready to end this thing. Its not even that I'm hungry, b/c I'm totally not and I really do feel more energized than I ever have!! I don't know what it is, I just feel like I should stop, like it isn't good for my body to not be eating. Honestly, I think I'm just bored, lol. I'm sick of drinking the lemonade and I just don't want to drink it anymore. I would just rather eat/drink nothing instead. But I know that isn't good. *sigh* What to do, what to do...
I've decided this is my last day. I'm really proud of myself though b/c now i know what to expect the next time I do it. I'm definitely going to do it again. And I'm definitely going to try it for 10 days. I know its going to be hard but I know that I can get through 5 days, so I can definitely push through 5 more right? Maybe I'll shoot for 7. I don't know I just feel bad about stopping, but really good about trying this out and doing so well. Did my last SWF and man o' man I am NOT going to miss that. Its so weird (and gross) what is coming out!! So yea, dunzo. I'll let you know how not eating solids goes, lol. I'm supposed to not jump back into solids or apparently I will "regret it" and I definitely do not want to "regret it" b/c I can only imagine what that means!
- Please keep at least one stall between each person using the restroom. Reasoning behind this, the stalls here at work have a nice reflective sheen. I've coined this as "butts on the wall" b/c I can not even begin to tell you how many women's a$$es I've seen in the past three years, reflecting on the walls in our bathroom stalls. This could have been avoided if they just would have left that one stall in between us. If you find yourself in the situation where there isn't any extra room, well then just wait a few minutes. I'm sure in less than 60 seconds one will open up.
- There is no lolly-gagging in the bathroom. This is not a place to talk about a meeting or discuss your weekend plans or even catch up. This is the bathroom. This is a place where people go to go number 1 and number 2. The last thing I want/need is for you to discuss the 2:00 meeting when I'm trying to rid myself of any toxins in my body. And p.s., I really don't care if you hear a little something slip out in the middle of your discussion, serves you right. When you have completed your business promptly wash your hands and leave the bathroom. Its just the right thing to do.
- Do not talk on your cell phone while using the bathroom or while in the bathroom. Do I really even need to explain this? What is wrong with you people? This is not the comfort of your own home. This is a 6-stall public restroom at work. Does the person on the other end need to hear me tinkle? Personally if you talk on the phone with me, while in a public restroom and I even begin to think I hear tinkling, I'm hanging up on you. Why would you want to put someone through that? Plus, what if the person next to you has a stomachache? My gawd you are an evil person, hang up the phone! Nothing is that important that it can't wait until after you use the bathroom. And if it is, then you better hold it until you finish your conversation.
- If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat. Enough said.
- Do not comment on the smell of the bathroom. News Flash: Its a bathroom! Did you expect it to smell like roses? Most likely its going to smell like, well, a restroom. So if someone is in there that isn't having the greatest day or is trying to take care of business, don't make them feel any worse. Just go to another floor, or better yet, come back later. And if it really is too much to handle, buy some potpourri spray and knock yourself out! Just do me (and everyone else) a favor and keep your comments to yourself.
- Do not sing in the bathroom. Its just strange and very uncomfortable. Plus it echos, so really, just stop.
- Please don't speak to me while I'm going to the bathroom. Yes, that is me, since you apparently saw my shoes under the door. And no, I don't want to talk to you. I'm PEEING FOR GOD'S SAKE! Can't I just go to the bathroom in peace? Really, I'm just not into this, it kinda grosses me out, so please don't let it happen again.
- If your brush your teeth, rinse our the sink. I'm all about oral hygiene, but there's nothing like a little toothpaste spit in the sink to make you go "Gross!" Seriously, if you brush your teeth at work, is it that hard to just do a little rinse of the sink? Just spit, and rinse, and then swish the water around the sink a little. Viola! All fixed!
Well, that's all I can think of now...I'm sure I'll have more after yet another trip to the bathroom in a few minutes. I swear I drink too much water b/c otherwise I wouldn't have to go half as much as I do!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Day 2: I had a weak moment, I almost had some carrot juice. I went to Trader Joe's to pick up some more lemons and maple syrup (and the right grade of organic this time) and I was just standing in the aisle with the smoothie drinks, wanting one sooo badly. So I said to myself "Self, what could a little pure carrot juice hurt?" So I picked it up, put in the basket, checked out, got into my car, opened it up, and...I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. I actually felt good about myself. I'm honestly pretty amazed at my willpower thus far. However, I am chewing gum. I don't care what anyone says, I need a break from water products. I'm chewing gum while I workout (yes I have a TON of energy and can't exactly explain why) and it makes me feel better. I don't feel like that nasty feeling on my tongue while I'm working out, so yes, I am chewing gum. SWF last night was pretty bad. I mean I drank it and 20 minutes later I could barely stand up.
Day 3: I am having some pains today in my lower back and lower stomach. I can't decide if its from hunger,or from working out, or if its my kidneys completely shutting down, lol. Actually that isn't a laughing matter. I have some serious issues with my kidneys and this detox is supposed to help. Good lawrd I hope its doing more help that damage. I haven't stepped on the scale again, b/c well, its only day 3 and I can't imagine I've lost very much. I mean I look exactly the same and I usually notice if I'm losing anything and seriously, can't say that I am. I'm a little worried b/c I'm supposed to go hang out with my girlfriend who is in town visiting her parents tonight and I just don't want to be confronted with food or wine b/c I'm afraid I'll give in to both. OR if I have really great willpower I'll be able to be confronted and have NEITHER!! Pray for me. I'm scared to do the SWF tonight....I just don't know if I can handle that again. Sigh. I'm also worried b/c my sister is coming tomorrow night and she wants to go to dinner. But I know I can't eat food and I think if I tried I would vomit. Honestly the thought of eating at a restaurant makes me want to vomit right now. Anyhooo, I'll write more tomorrow!!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
So the first drink I was dreading. I just knew it was going to taste like hail. So WonderMo sat with me at work while I fixed the first drink and also took the first sip with me. Much to my surprise, it was actually tasty! The maple syrup gives it a little bit of a natural cocoa taste and the cayenne pepper gives it a little kick. However, the first go round I found that I probably should have put the water in before I put the ice in (I'm having them cold) because the last bit of the drink made me sweat!! It was so hot it was like fire in my mouth! So word to the wise, mix first, then add water.
Im on my fifth glass today, only five more to go. I'm going to fix a pitcher of it because I'm finding the single cocktail creation seems to take a lot longer than necessary and is quite messy. So I figure this will make it a bit easier. I'm not going to lie, I've been hungry a few times today, but honestly it isn't as bad as I thought. I'm sure by tomorrow afternoon or tomorrow morning I'm going to want to eat my arm, but for now...I'm really okay.
I'm headed to the gym and wondering if I'm going to pass out while I'm on the elliptical, lol :) Anyhoo, I'm going to keep chronicling and see what this little cleanse brings!
Friday, October 12, 2007
Ah yes, you knew the start of a new paragraph was coming didn't you? Apparently I'm so caught up in this situation that I'm not really thinking clearly. Because I'm not thinking clearly individuals are starting to question my ability to make sane decisions. Apparently the best idea would be for me to move 500 miles away, leaving my really good job with a fantastic company, my extremely loving boyfriend, and the network of individuals I've grown to call my friends (as you know I've had some problems establishing a good network of friends here). Apparently my mind is very clouded and unable to decipher between fiction and reality. See, my life is fiction. I live in a world where things are going well, but in reality they are not. Where my relationship makes me happy, when in reality it makes everyone around me miserable. Where my family is my circle of trust, but really I'm pushing them away. Where I attempt to be understanding of a cultural difference and supportive of baby steps, but really I'm just a push over. Where I am not rushing into anything b/c I've seen what that can do to a marriage and a family, when really I'm making excuses. Where I belive what I'm told, when really I'm just being fed lies. Isn't it enlightening when someone lets you in on all of these little secrets? All of this time I've been in the dark and I didn't even have the slightest idea.
So thank you, thank you for shedding some light on my relationship and my life, it truly is wonderful. But I wonder, isn't it strange that you think you know so much about me and what I want and my life here, when you've only come here once or twice. Doesn't that seem a little forward of you to assume such things? I mean I can only speak from experience, but when someone says they aren't ready...they aren't ready. Perhaps before when they said they thought they were it was b/c they were told that this was the right thing, and the way to go, the way it was supposed to happen and I was just settling...I don't know, seems like maybe everyone should take a step back and ask themselves "Am I really worried about Megan's happiness or am I more worried about what would make me and the family happy?" "Am I really looking out for her best interest or am I pushing my thoughts of happiness onto her, even though she may not share the same views?" "Am I really trying to be part of Megan's life or am I viewing this from 10,000 feet without even attempting to get a little closer?" Seems to me if we don't start to see eye-to-eye on this, it could mean then end of an era, don't you?
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
For those of you who don't know, I'm what you would call an "Advanced Dreamer". I can control my dreams (the majority of the time), dream in color / black and white, dream in different languages (and fully comprehend what is happening without even knowing the language), view my dreams from outside of the dream (aka out of body), have multiple dreams throughout the evening (and still remember them in the morning) and last but not least I keep a dream journal to remind me of my completely insane dreaming habits. But lately, I don't know what to make of my dreams. For about two years now one individual has had this presence in my dreams and I just can't seem to move beyond their continual interaction with me. And I'm not exaggerating when I say at least once or twice a week for the past two years it has been this way. I even took the initiative to ask this person, during my dream, why they were always "popping" up. They simply responded "because you want me here..." and then smiled. I refuted saying that I did not want them there and again the response of "you want me here" and then disappearing for the remainder of the dream.
But what bothers me most is the feeling I have when the person is there. Whether it be their face or not, I know its them. I'm so happy....so beyond happy. Its a feeling that right now is bringing me to tears because I don't know if I'm that happy right now. I don't know if I can be that happy again without them being a part of my life. Its hard to wake up from one of these dreams and make sense of what's going on around me. How can someone be so absent in my waking life yet so real and involved in my dreaming life. There are times in my waking life when I forget that I haven't spoken to this person in years. They are just so real to me, so right, so wonderful. Yet I know, looking back on my life, that it wasn't that wonderful when they were real and involved, I wasn't that happy in the end, I didn't love them as much as I do in my dream, or maybe I did...I've taken the time to research why this endless cycle of specific presence takes place. Apparently I miss some (or all) piece of this relationship and I'm not currently experiencing this in my existing relationship. Meaning, my mind is seeking this and trying to tell me subconsciously that I should seek this out in my waking life to stir these feelings that occur in my dream state and make them a reality. What would be really helpful is if someone were to tell me exactly which pieces / behaviors / feelings I'm subconsciously searching. I mean I'm loved, I'm having fun, I'm have good friends, I have a good job, am I missing something? Apparently I am....guess I'll just have to keep searching subconsciously until in my awake state I have that "AHA!" moment. Until then my friend, until then.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
Just to give you a little background this woman is so wise. So wise that there are days I find myself drawn to her desk just to sit with her, even if for just a moment, just to revel in her knowledge and her rosy aspect on life. But today, I saw gloom in her eyes...this saddened me. I asked her what was wrong and she said to me "I'm not going to be one of those people who tells you to wait to get married because you have a lot of time. I'm not going to tell you that because people used to tell me that and look at me now. I'm 40, I have no prospects, and I'm sad....I'm really sad." I just stared in amazement. I didn't realize she was unhappy, I didn't realize she was desperately looking for her mate, I didn't realize that she was essentially living vicariously through me just waiting for that moment I came into the office flashing a diamond on my left hand. Though she is sad, she gave me the most amazing advice this morning.
She state (verbatim) "To men, women are like buses. There will always be another one coming through, they can always catch another one at a later day. But to us, to women, this is not the case. We accept men for who they are, for the bad, for the good, and when we find one, we say "let's just do this, let's just take a chance". Men, they think there will always be something better or comparable to come along. But what if there isn't, what if you miss your bus? But maybe we need to start behaving like men. When men aren't ready they just aren't ready and they don't fool with the ones who are. When they are ready, they are ready, and don't fool with the ones that aren't. So if we behave this way we can't lose, we'll definitely find our mate. Megan, you aren't getting any younger. Before you know it you'll be 35 years old wondering "what the hell happened? why did i spend so much time with this asshole?" and I don't want that for you. Make him decide. Make him decide does he want the package or does he want the situation? Men want things to be so neat and tidy and to happen at the exact right time. Well guess what, there isn't a right time and there never will be. So does he want you, the package, or does he want the situation, the right time. Make him decide...make him decide...." And with that, I walked away more at ease and more confused than ever...."make him decide....make him decide" it just keeps playing over and over again in my head. This wise woman is so right, yet she has told me something that is so hard to digest....make him decide.....
Sadly, gone are the days where I could just blow it all off, have a drink and wait for the next day to arrive. Unfortunately for me, I'm just too grown up for that. But maybe I'm too grownup. I mean everyone around me is so grownup that I've forced myself to become this aging woman. But I'm only 27! No I hear you, its really not that young...believe me, I know. But I just wonder, what if I decided to tell my funk to take a hike. If I told everyone that questions my every move to go take a hike, what if I just said fug it and lived my life by the day and not by the calendar? Would that make it better? I find it highly unlikely.
See, I'm a worrier....my mother is a worrier and its one of the traits I inherited from her. I worry about everything, especially about death. I mean what if I die tomorrow, who will come to my funeral? Believe it or not, I've actually made a list of the individuals I feel would attend (guess what, if you aren't on that list we probably haven't spoken in a while, lol). Isn't that sick? But its real...I'm worried about my job, about my relationship, about my friendships, about my skin, about my clothes, my bank account, my car, my hair, my weight, my parents, my grandmother, my family's health, freak accidents, YOU NAME IT I'M WORRIED ABOUT IT!
But I realize you can't go through your life worrying, so tonight, after a lot of crying and a little bit of Britney Spears (and her very timid comeback) I realized I HAVE to get out of this funk! And the only way I'm going to do it is if I stop worrying about what everyone else thinks, about my next move, about my career, about EVERYTHING and just live. I'm just going to seriously L-I-V-E. But I'm forewarning you, I'm pretty sure "just living" involves a little sky diving!!!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
At one point I was flattered that I was "sooo cool!" that the significant other WANTED to come and hang out with me...but then I realized....it had nothing to do with me. It was at the request of their wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend. They didn't want to go alone. Are our lives so different that you don't feel comfortable around me without them? Am I so strange that you can't be the person I grew to love without your partner? I find this very hard to believe. So, I've made a conscious effort to be Megan at all times and I hope I'm doing a good job (I know I get lost every now and then, I'm sorry I usually come out of hiding don't I?), I just want the same from my friends. Just be you around me, just you and me. Maybe I'm just at a different point in my life. Maybe I'm too independent..maybe I've just changed. I'm not sure, but I am sure of this, the next I am say "Let's go grab a drink" if you answer "What time should we be there?" I'm going to hang up on you!
I've lived in Northern Virginia for 5 years now. Of the time that I've lived here I've had three (3) visitors. One was my mother, the second my sister, and the third my friend Kati (we went to the Tech game at FedEx two years ago). Of the 5 years that I've lived here I've traveled far and away to visit my friends/family. I've gone to Richmond, Atlanta, North Carolina, Miami, Charlottesville, New York, Virginia Beach, Roanoke, West Palm Beach, Norfolk, California and various places in the Metro DC/VA/MD area. And I haven't visited these places just once, I've gone multiple times. Yet, not one person (with the exception of Kati two years ago) has made any attempt to come visit me. I know I'm not supposed to talk about this b/c I'm going to stir up some bad feelings and people are going to feel hurt, etc, etc (hence the image to the left) but I'm just extremely irritated by it now. I get guilt trips left and right about visiting folks, but I don't throw that on anyone, NOT ONCE have I done that...until today. I feel bad b/c I think the brunt of my frustration came out in my email to one person when really it was intended for an entire distribution list. Heck, even my family expects me to come to them instead of the reverse. Because I'm only one...I'm single...it’s expected....it’s not fair nor right and I have a pretty big issue with it.
I have a pretty harsh commute in the morning (if you live in Northern Virginia you understand). Each morning I get in my car to drive 13 miles. This 13 mile commute takes me 45 minutes on a good day. Yes, on a good day! I then get back in my car around 5:30/6:00pm to drive another 45 minutes, on a good day. I spend at least 2 hours of my day in a car. Do you think its fair for folks to request that I come visit them 4 hours away on my weekend? Before you answer that, let me also give you a little insight. We have this little area of NoVa called "The Mixing Bowl". This is where 495, 395, 295, and 95 come together...its awful, and it takes over 1 hour to get from that little spot to Woodbridge and then another hour to get to Quantico. So it takes me 2 hours to get out of NoVa (unless I leave on a random Thursday night or before 6am on a Friday). I would then have another 2 hours (at least) to get to my destination if it’s located someone on the map of Virginia. Now, you are right, I could leave on a Thursday night or a Friday morning but this entails me taking a vacation day. Oh that's nice...I'm taking a vacation day to come see people who have NEVER come to visit me? Does this sound right? Again, not fair nor right and I have a pretty big issue with it. Oh and don't even get me started on coming back here on a Sunday afternoon...you might as well fill up your tank, get some snacks, and get comfortable...cause you AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! 240 miles = 6 hours...oh that's fun...OR NOT!
So all I'm saying people is cut me some slack okay. Unless you plan on showing your pretty little face in NoVa anytime soon (and I'm NOT talking about on your way to a football/baseball game) I suggest you put on your big boy pants (thanks RayRay) and quit your bitchin' b/c I'm trying my hardest to make everyone happy and believe me, it isn't easy!!!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
So I've been talking to various people around me regarding the fact that it appears that life is happening for everyone but me. Is it just me or is every single person you know moving to a "new stage" in their life? Yea..I'm not by the way. I just celebrated my 27th birthday about two weeks ago. This was kinda scary, I mean I wasn't affected by the previous birthdays so what was the big deal about this one? I'm not sure but I'll tell you what, it wasn't pretty the little scenarios I made up in big old head of mine. I seriously convinced myself that I was going to be the lady who goes to her reunion and you just know the minute she walks in the door that one she is not married, second, she then clearly has no children, C, she has no plans of getting married but not by her choice, and lastly she definitely has cats...yes plural, more than one and these are her companions. Not only did I decide this I also decided that in order to get things moving I needed to get moving. Maybe I needed a new job (not that there was anything wrong with mine, well maybe a few things, but hey its a really good job!), a new life, a new location, and a new wardrobe (okay maybe that is pretty standard for me, but I've really been trying lately to cap the spending in the style category). But then a funny thing happened, I went to Virginia Beach and realized I didn't need to any of these things. Just like the quote from My So Called Life - "But there are sometimes in my life where being me, right now, where I am, is just like, enough", right now was, no IS enough for me. I think maybe it takes just a little dose of my mother, a dance party in my best friend's kitchen, and a 4 hour drive with Jack talking about my family to realize that I'm doing pretty damn good and what's my big rush? I mean this entire city is filled with people in a hurry. I just haven't figured out why they are in such a hurry...where are they going?...is it really that important?...can't it wait just 60 seconds for that red light they just ran?...such a big hurry and such a short life we live. So, to make a long story short (ha, like I can do that), I'm going to quote Angela (Claire Danes) and say "...there are sometimes in my life where being me, right now, where I am, is just like, enough. "
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Is it just me, or if you are single, don't you feel like the first question out of everyone's mouth is "So when are you getting married?" And the second question is "Don't you want to get married?" Are you people serious? Yea I get it, I've been dating someone for a while it’s the next "logical" step, but is it? How exactly is it "logical" to do such a thing? I was under the impression that getting married was about wanting to be with someone for the rest of your life. I thought it was about love, compromise, affection, companionship, essentially a business venture, not just about "Hey, we have been dating for a while, why don't we get married?" I don't know about you, but I'm only 26 years old. Ummm...yea that's young. Seriously, I have (God forbid anything happens) a good 60 years of my life left. Now I understand that 60 years isn't technically that long, and that bearing children should be factored into this equation and my child bearing years will come to an end eventually. But what is the rush? Why is everyone in such a rush to get married and have children? Of course I want to get married and of course I want to have children. Right this instance, no, next year, maybe. How would I know that? Seriously I may wake up tomorrow and say to myself, now or never. I find that highly unlikely, but I could. Or I could wake up and say to myself, in two years. I dunno, its possible. But is it absolutely necessary for me to know exactly when/where/why/how I'm getting married right now? Now this isn't to knock those people who already are married and/or have children. Some of my best friends have the most amazing relationships with their husbands and they are only 26 - 30 years old. And their kids, don't even get me started on their kids, so freakin' cute!! But that doesn't mean its time for me. I commend all of you. I think it’s amazing that so early in life you identified the person you were meant to be with. I just know that I have identified him and I'm not ready to slap that ring on, walk down the aisle, and call him my husband just yet. Nor am I ready to ask the same of him (I'm pretty sure he would have cardiac arrest right then and there). So cut me some slack eh, no more questions about the marriage factor....I'll get to it, I promise, just not yet...just not yet!