Sunday, August 30, 2009

Just Having a Private Conversation Mister Officer

Last week is kind of a blur. I'm not sure what happened but I know that it involved a lot of working and me missing Restaurant Week with my favorite ladies at a super yummy place I've never been. Oh well, guess they do pay my bills huh?

First topic of conversation - a friend who hasn't spoken to me in months is upset b/c I made a comment on FB, in return to a comment her ex-husband made on my FB. The pure hilarity of the fact that I even just wrote that sentence is enough to make me laugh for a few days, but I guess I should display some remorse for speaking to her ex-husband, who I used to live with, and was friends with prior to she and I becoming friends. But I mean who is keeping track? Said friend is playing the victim card as she usually does, even though said friend was not planning on inviting me to her upcoming wedding prior to this little incident (I only found this out b/c our mutual friend let me know I didn't make the cut for the guest list). Guess I'm not as good of a friend as we (both parties) believed huh? I know, I know, I should take the high road and call and see what the deal is, but quite honestly its exhausting trying to be friends with people who aren't your friend in return. Imma sit this one out and let it pass.

Next topic - my lack of self control. I'm pretty disappointed in myself as I set out to really prove to that I could and found that alas, I have 0 self control, 0. I mean its kind of ridiculous really, but I guess I am who I am and I need to just embrace that huh? I keep letting other people tell me how I should/n't be, act, progress and really who the hell are they to tell me what's best for me? I could just be acting like a girl, which is probably the case b/c I'm pretty good at that. Cut me some slack, Aunt Flow is coming to visit and we all know us women get a little crazy when Aunt Flow is planning to visit for a few days.

Looking forward to this weekend as: a) its Labor Day which means I have a 5-day weekend, b) I get to see my sister, bro-in-law, and the cutest 18mo old ever, c) I get to see my parents and have Mom's cooking, d) I get to go to the beach, and e)3.5 hours in a car all alone torture myself with soul searching one can only do when one is alone in a car on 95.

Random thought - I decided that I really need to limit my alcohol intake as I'm pretty sure my liver cannot continue at this pace of consumption. I may be dead by 35 if I'm not careful.

Random thought #2 - I watched SATC the movie again today for the 10th time and I cried again for the 10th time, will I ever get sick of that movie?

Okay this post is boring me and probably you. Sorry I don't have any fun stories to tell you. Oh how about this gem - Coal Miner and I got caught by the FFX Police last night "making out" in the car - ahhh being 16 again is so refreshing. And really why do CM and I like to make out in cars so much, its kind of strange, but funny at the same time. We also enjoy parking lots, niccceeee and trashy [I just heard that country song "I like my women just a little on the trashy side...well they were their clothes tight and their hair is dyed. Too much wiskey, too much booze, gets me excited..." in my head when I typed that]

Oh another gem, Under Armour has been texting....why, I have no idea, but at least the texts are extremely humorous.

Peace out baishes.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Take it Back - NEVA!

What I Learned in Ocean Schitty, MD

1. Do not take advice from a drunk woman at the Liquor Store. Even if she says she works in a bar and suggests you "TAKE THE BUS" the beitch is crazy and doesn't know anything about Malt Liquor.
2. Drinking Sparks will most definitely lead to an uncomfortable experience the following day while basking in the sun.
3. When there is a Hurricane off the coast, its probably best to stay the fak out of the water unless you want to be carried away by a rip current and practically lose your bikini bottom.
4. Guidos love OC and are proud to tell you the exact location of where they are from including their neighborhood, family origin, and introduce you to their boys.
5. Wearing a tshirt, jeans and flip flops to a club is completely acceptable and you may even be told multiple times how hot/amazing/beautiful/unbelievable/scrumptious you are.
6. Do not text or look at FaceBook when you get home at 2am. This will lead to drunk texting, drunk FB'ing, and embarrassment in the morning when you re-read your text(s) and post(s) knowing that they are suitable for
7. Lying about your name (and saying its the person's with you) is really not the best idea. Somehow its going to come out that you share the same name and instead of telling the truth you will just laugh in the dude's face.
8. Never give your phone number, but always offer to take someones phone number. Then don't actually store in your phone, just hit end. This is a magical trick.
9. If wondering where you are on the boardwalk do not announce, while mildly intoxicated, out loud "WTF this place SUCKS. Why can't they be like Virginia Beach and having f'ing signs that tell you where the f you are?" b/c then a little 10 year old boy will say to you "not listen in on your conversation, but look up. There's the sign. You're on 7th street." Smart ass kid.
10. If the bartender gives you a free shot that tastes like Dimetapp, don't drink that ish, b/c its only going to hurt you later on in the evening.
11. When someone says "I really think I'm going to throw up", ignore them. They don't really mean that - they just need pizza, bread sticks, and some H2O.
12. Making friends with everyone in the bar is okay and even a lot of fun. However those friendships ends when you hit the front door of that bar/club, there will be no further communication and its just best that way.
13. When asking someone if they "party" and they respond that they love parties, just drop it.
14. White Snake is the best band ever.
15. Henna Tattoos are rad b/c they are only slightly permanent yet allow you to be just trashy enough for one weekend.
16. Piercing your nose is not an option, and your luck it will get infected, so stop asking about it.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Am I OK if I say WTF on a Daily Basis?

Dude today sucks and I want a do-over of last night. I didn't go running this morning b/c I decided to sleep an extra hour. Dude I'm a slacker. Maybe I'll get to go running tonight while its 4 trillion degrees outside. I'm getting pretty cised about my little vacation with my PIC this weekend, however Hurricane Bill (yes, they actually named a hurricane Bill, that's just funny) might put a little damper on our sun exposure and that does not make this Sun Queen very happy. I need to bask in the beauty of a UV Index 10 and I don't want that to be disturbed. If Hurricane Bill knows what's good for him, he'll lay off on hitting the east coast until Monday so I can miss out on work. You hear that Hurricane Bill? You better watch it you prick, you are on my sh!t list.

I thought last night went rad, but maybe I was mistaken. Homeboy is super cute, but I haven't heard anything today. I hope its not that gey 3-day rule. I mean seriously who created this BS? Why would you wait 3 days? Is that a fun game to torture yourself when you want to speak to someone? GEY! Oh I've decided on a nickname for him - it shall be Coal Miner.

Dinner with the ex is supposed to be tonight, but in his usual fashion I have not heard a peep from him since Monday. He'll probably call 10 minutes before he's coming to pick me up and tell me to get ready. That's so his steeze. I was talking to Coal Miner about him last night and its funny when you look back on things and realize the ish you put up with b/c you were "so in love". I realized I was miserable for like the last year...probably longer, but I can only really remember the last year just being purely un-enjoyable. And that f'er was like sex texting and sex emailing people, WTF? Why did I put up with that? Guess you will do crazy ish when you are "in love". You like how I keep putting that in quotes? Its b/c I think its haaalarious.

On a different note, today at work I called our "help desk" - aka "The 7's" and they were of no help, once again. Here's how the conversation went:
Me: Hey I'm trying to get this requisition to submit and I'm receiving an error on Line Schedule 1. I have no idea what that means, can you help?
HD Guy: I think that means that you are missing some information on Line Schedule 1.
Me: What and where is Line Schedule 1?
HD Guy: Oh I'm not sure maam.
Me: Seriously? Well how do I find out?
HD Guy: I'm not sure maam.
Me: So you can't help me?
HD Guy: Well it seems like I answered your question, did I not?
Me: Umm not exactly. You don't even know where Line Schedule 1 is, so how does that help me?
HD Guy: I'm not sure ma'am.
Me: Okay, well thanks...uhhh...I guess.
HD Guy: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?
Me: Did you just assist me and I missed something?
HD Guy: I'm sorry ma'am?
Me: Nothing...have a good day
HD Guy: You too ma'am and thank you for calling The 7's.
They are the most useless group of individuals known to mankind. And do you know that we outsource Utah. Of all places, we picked Utah? WTF? As usual logic is beyond me, but that's how we roll here.

Alright, back to the daily grind. Peace out baishes.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Curious conversation, do whaaat?

This has been the longest week ever known to man kind. WILL IT EVER ENNNNDDDDDDD???? Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I came back from spending the weekend my best PS at Smith Mountain Lake and I was completely devastated to come back to the concrete jungle. I kid you not, as I'm driving on 81, everyone is sweet, lets you get over in their lane, uses turning signals, waves when you let them pass, says thank you when you let them over. AND THEN I hit 66, it was like a light switch went off. People flicking you off, no use of signals, cut me off - hey why not, swerve into my lane - of course you will b/c you are on the phone. Road rage at its finest and it all started when I hit the ole Interstate 66. Gotta love it.

This weekend I'm planning on going to Ocean Schitty for the first time with my PIC. I'm freaking stoked. I will visit all of the "hawt" spots such as Seacrets. Honestly we just want to get ourselves to a beach and we lived in Va Bizzle our whole lives so we figured we should check out what MD has to offer. Both PIC and I have lived in DC for 7 years, not once have we crossed the Bay Bride on the MD side. Isn't that sad? We thought so, so off to Ocean Shitty we go. Dude why are hotel rooms so expensive there? Fugging nuts, like $275/night, WTF Maryland? Ain't cool and ish better be worth it or I'm going to single-handily try and ruin the good name of Ocean Schitty over the next 12 months.

Going on a date tonight, hope he doesn't suck. No seriously, I hope he doesn't. B/c let's review the last two dates I've been on thus far. The first was promising. I liked him, I thought he liked me, apparently I was wrong on that front. I'm pretty sure I gave it up too easily so I mean hell I can't blame the guy. Next one was the guy who used to work at my former place of employment as well. Dude didn't ask me one question about myself. Not joking, not one question. Then he starts calling me and emailing me being like "I had SUCH a good time. You are really awesome to be around and have a way of making people feel at ease. I would LOVE to get together again." Yea fat chance with that one son. So this guy seems rad. We talked on IM last night for almost 2 hours. I didn't realize it had been that long. He made me laugh the entire time and I swear to the heavens above he took the words right out of my mouth several times (and we all know that's somewhat hard to do when it comes to me). He seems smart, funny, witty, good looking...But let me tell you what, those dayum pictures can be really deceiving. Those f'ers will put up pictures from like years ago. Or ones where they are really tan and buff and looking great. I'm leery of most of those pics, but I got this dude's FB and he looks the same in all the pictures so I've got a good feeling about this one. I shall report in full by the beginning of next week. How hilarious is it that we got each other's FB...Gawd I'm still a child.

You know I was just thinking that possibly I shouldn't put this jank on here until its been a while huh? LOL O hail, I'm an open book, eff it. I'm not trying to hide anything. While we are on the subject of speaking the truth, I really like Annapolis, but he is just so dayum busy. And sometimes I think he just doesn't really want a girlfriend. I think he is perfectly content being I think he REALLY likes it. Guess I have to wait that one out huh?

Okay I guess I should try and look busy at work. Cut me some slack, I've worked 10 hour days the past two days and I finally got a break today amid the frantic HAMP bs I deal with on a daily basis. Peace out from the norfwes side of DC ya'll.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Its Coming to a Close

So Birthday Week is coming to an end and I must say this year was HELLA fun. This might be one of the best Birthday Weeks I have had in a long long time. Let's do the rundown of events:

Friday Night
- bbq at my girlfriend's place in Great Falls where we sang karaoke and drank until 2am. I met "One Nut Paul" and had the absolute honor of actually seeing his "one nut" which is the size of an orange. Not to mention Pat from San Diego whose voice sounded like my rendition of a Denny's Waitress and made me almost tinkle twice with his fantastic stories of being blessed from the waist down by the heavens above.

- DMB at Nissan with my best friend and her boyfriend and the ex-girl of one of my friends. It seriously didn't matter how much I drank I could not get faced, UNTIL, I drank that 22 of Miller Light. Dude I sat down on my towel on the lawn after that and it was all over. Not to mention I was hungry. I remembered there were Baja Fresh burritos in the car and I couldn't get them off of my mind. I didn't even want to see the finale, I just wanted that dagon burrito. I must admit, it was quite deelish. Oh and let's not forget my bestie and I acting like white trash and starting a fight at the concert. But in my defense that chick called me a slut and a ho and she didn't even know me! I mean at least take the time to formulate an opinion on my sexual nature before spewing your thoughts...people these days.

Sunday Funday
- went out with a very cute boy, his fam, and my bestie on a boat in Annapolis. That was the best Sunday Funday to date, not sh*ting you, it was AWESOME. I laughed for 8 hours straight. I mean seriously I've never been around people who have made me laugh so much, not to mention that totally get my sense of humor. Annapolis boy is uber freaking cute and sweet and kinda dreamy, but in case he reads this I don't want him to get a big head (yes, I just said head, lol).

Monday Recovery (Actual Birthday)
- Took the day Monday to recuperate from Sunday Funday, ran errands, got my nails done, and then headed out to dinner with my sistas from different mistahs. These ladies are my family in DC. Without the two of them I'm not sure how I would have made it through some of the most ridiculous times in my life. Dinner at Central was so freaking good and to top it off, my PIC took care of the whole thing for us. Oh and the bestie got me the cutest freaking top and bangles. This one is going in the memory book. And I can't forget to mention the HB wishes on Facebook and via text. My friends truly do rock and have hearts of gold.

Tuesday Night
- Well, lets just say that he used to work at Cvent and I didn't know that prior to meeting him for dinner and it didn't work out well and he's not my type. Next. (None the less, dinner at Cafe Deluxe was deelish).

Wednesday Night
- Dinner at Oya with my faves where I laughed the entire evening. Talking about baboons, and ex's, and sex, and sex shows, and penises, and relationships, and cheating wives/husbands, and gossiping, it was sheer delight. Even though these ladies are older than me we just connect. They make me strive to find my prince charming, have more confidence in myself than I thought imaginable, and find humor in a situation where only I would, lol. Not to mention our waiter single-handily ruined every single special moment we were about to have and then served me a frozen dessert cake, NIIICCCEEEE.

So that leads to me today....I was supposed to have dinner with my best gay and his boy, but I'm dined out this week and I think this swine flu thing is really starting to get to me. But at least I'm resting up tonight to head to SML (Smith Mountain Lake) to hang with my favorite pledge sister and her fam. I'm cised to get to the country for the weekend and talk like a hick with her. We all know I'd move back to the country in a hot second if they had a Sax 5th Avenue within a 20 mile radius and a kick tail job to boot.

All, in all, birthday week was good this year. I miss my family, but they showered me with gifts and love via the phone, email, and US Postal System. I'm starting to think my 29th birthday might be hard to top, but next year...ohhhh next year is the big one and I'm thinking I might just do it up Megan Style. We shall see...oh yes, we shall see.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Come on Lucky Number 7

So this is my second round of PowerBall with the ladies at work. We are all so desperate to win that we are gladly dropping $10/week on this stupid game. But I mean who can resist a $60M+ cash payout? Seriously, I've already played out how the entire thing would go should I win (this is a sad lonely thought, believe me, I realize that). So I figured I would share it with you all. I mean I know you can't wait to hear about it right? Here goes:
  1. Upon realizing I have hit the jackpot I will scream at the top of my lungs. This will be followed by a series of bouts of crying in which I will simultaneously cry and laugh at the same time.
  2. I will call my mother - we will both go through the screaming and crying and laughing bit. It will be a special moment.
  3. I will walk into my office in jeans and a t-shirt, proceed straight to my HR office and let them know that I am officially richer than they could ever dream of being and I will no longer need the employment services of the organization. Tooldes Bitches.
  4. I will call my mother's work and give them her 2 week's notice. My father's job, well hell that's a joke anyway, he'll just stop going b/c its not lucrative, as is, for him to show up on a daily basis.
  5. I will go on a vacation. I will purchase this on my Visa, without even receiving the first check b/c it will be amazing to just book a last minute vacation without even thinking about how much it will cost. I have a $25K limit so I figure I can book something pretty freaking nice.
  6. I will spend my money in the following ways:
  • I will give my mother and father $1M
  • I will give my sister's $750K each
  • I will buy a house in NYC, Miami, Va Bizzle, Aspen, Madrid, Venice, Nice (please keep in mind I will only be extravagant on a few, the others will just be large condos to "visit" during my time off). There will be more but I need to travel more, which leads me to...
  • I will travel. I will spend the next year of my life not working, but traveling and exploring the world. I will allocate a fund of $250K just for traveling. I won't be ridiculous and I'll be smart with the money. I don't need to stay at a 5-star every time I go somewhere. It will be glorious.
  • I will put $3M in a multitude of high-interest savings accounts. I can live off of the interest alone.
  • I will purchase a boat, not a huge boat, but a boat that I like, that my friends and family can enjoy - I'm allocating $100K to this purchase (and throw in some jet skis).
  • I will take my entire family on a fully-paid island vacation to the tune of $100k+
  • I will invest the rest

So that's the plan for right now...yea I'd give some away to charity, don't get your panties in a bunch. Now, let's all say a little prayer together and hope that I win this thing on Wednesday. My whole future is banking on it daaaammmiinnnnttt.