Monday, December 14, 2009

Yea Well I Hate You, So I'm Pretty Sure We are Even....

Went to Coal Miner's Office Christmas Party this weekend and it was pretty eventful. Let's just say that it started by every female there staring me down and the first words ever uttered to me were "yea I'm the other woman." Ohh okay. So yea, it started out great. Then I turned to find two other women staring at me and talking about me and laughing. And let's be honest, I'm not paranoid so when someone points at you and laughs in your face, its safe to say they were talking about you. I also let that go. Whatevs, I'm the new chick, its expected to be hated right? Well what wasn't expected was the 100 million glaring eyes and evil looks shot in my direction. Maybe 100 million is a little bit of an exaggeration but I'd say it was at least 50 and now I'm not exaggerating. I was on the Top 10 Most Hated persons of the evening. Now, if you know me, you know that I'm a pretty fun chick. I like to drink, I make jokes, I love dirty jokes, and can dance with the best of them. I also love fashion, makeup, and shoes so I may have looked like a model that night, just saying (well I mean at least I was 5'9 with my heels and looked super skinny from running 5 miles in the morning and refraining from eating dinner). At any rate, as the night progressed folks seemed to take a liking to me. It was either my striking good looks and humor or the fact that I bought them all a round of drinks. I befriended a gey couple and I seriously heart them. I want to hang out with them as much as possible and introduce them to my other geys.

So once everyone started to loosen up (aka get crunked) the night started to get very interesting. We ended up at a go-go bar (for those of you who don't live in DC, go-go is a type of music not a titty bar) in Tysons. Which is just ridiculous b/c if you've ever been to Tysons its purely a Caucasian place. At any rate, we stuck out like a sore thumb and I loved it. I covet go-go music and can't wait to do the shuffle anytime I can, so I was all over it. The others though were feeling a bit uncomfortable but I could have cared less at that point. I was like 6 glasses of Pinot Noir deep and I was loving everything. You know its a good night when you end up in your bed at 3am eating a 7 Layer Mexican Dip and your boyfriend burning grilled cheeses and laughing about it. Oh and I fell asleep with a water bottle in my hand and spilled water all over Coal Miner's part of the bed. Thanks be to God in my sleep I knew which way to turn that bottle over. Poor guy felt like he was sleeping in pee all night...don't worry it was just water (I SWEAR). I've included two short stories below. One that encompasses the best part of my evening and one that encompasses the worst, just for your reading enjoyment.

Best Part of Evening
Girl Eating a Wing: Gurl, you want a wang?
Me: Nah, I'm good. Thank you though.
Girl Eating a Wing: What's wrong gurl? You don't eat wangs?
Me: No, I totally do, I just don't want one right now.
Girl Eating a Wing: Well if you want one, you just let me know okay?
Me: Okay, thanks again.
Girl Eating a Wing: Mmmm hmmmm. *talking to friend* I don't know why dat betch is in hur anyway. Can't she tell she the only dayum white person in here? *laughter ensues*
....I let that all go. Next episode.

Girl Now No Longer Eating Wings: Wait, wait, urrrybody make room for the princess white girl coming through, she got some drinks for hur friends.
Me: Thank you so much, I do NOT want to drop these.
Girl Now No Longer Eating Wings: Oh yea gurl, we coo now.
...I let that all go (specifically the princess white girl thing). Next episode.

Girl Now Grilling Me at Every Chance She Gets: Princess, you and yo frunds gonna dance or not?
Me: I'll dance with you.
Girl Now Grilling Me at Every Chance She Gets: Princess I don't wanna hurtcha.
Me: Beleee me, you can't hurt this gurl.
Girl Now Grilling Me at Every Chance She Gets: Princess you betta watch it.
Me: What's your name again? I didn't catch it.
Girl Now Grilling Me at Every Chance She Gets: That's cause I never told you. And I don't plan to neither.
Me: I like where your heads at and ps your shoes are awesome.
Girl Now Smiling from Ear to Ear: Okay Princess we coo, you a cool white chick I'll give it to ya.
Me: Thank you! You wanna dance.
Girl Now Smiling from Ear to Ear: Yea girl, lets go get our shuffle on. You know how to do this right?
Me: Gurl puhhlease, I made this dance up, no lie!
Girl Now Smiling from Ear to Ear: Shut up and do the shuffle *laughing*
and so we did. We shuffled together, and we became club friends. And that was the best part of my evening.

Worst Part of Evening
Let me set the scene for you - dark bar, a whole group of us shoved in the back at the wait station, me grabbing a glass of wine, my back to the group. *tap tap on my shoulder, I twirl around*
Group of 5 of CM's Coworkers: Hey there
Me: Oh hey, did you guys need a drink?
Group: Nah, nope, no I'm good *in unison*
Me: Oh okay *me trying to move out of the way, and the semicircle gets tighter*
Group: We just wanted to talk to you for a second
Me: Okay
Group Member #1: So we think its important you know that CM is a really good guy.
Group Member #2: Like a really really good.
Group Member #3: Like maybe tooo good of a guy.
Me: Yea I know, he's a great guy
Group Member #4: You get that right?
Me: Yea, I do
Group Member #1: We just want to make sure that you understand that he is a great, nice, wonderful guy.
Group Member #5: And it seems like you understand, but we want to make sure you really understand.
Group Member #2: B/c he talks about you like all of the time. I mean he really likes you.
Group Member #3: Like really likes you.
Me: Yea I really like him too. He's a great guy, we've got a good thing going.
Group Member #1: Let's keep it that way. Just don't do anything to hurt him. He's been through enough.
Group Member #4: I think she gets it, it seems like she does. Doesn't it ladies?
Group Member #1, #2, #3, & #5: Yea, I guess so, Sure, Seems like it, She's nice you guys *in unison*
Group Member #1: Oh and if I don't like you, its kind of a deal breaker. I hope he told you that.
The Whole Group: Later.
So basically these ladies were telling me that I'm not good enough for him and they don't even know me. Which is fine. I guess you get to hate on the new girl. I just know I would never make anyone feel the way that they did on Saturday night. It was a difficult evening, but I think I handled the situation really well. Maybe I'm naive but I think they all ended up really liking me in the end. Or maybe they are just waiting to pounce....we shall see, we shall see.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Nah I'd Prefer Not to...

Okay so Mister Inappropriate is back at it with a vengence. Radio silence for a few days b/c he was apparently out sick. Thanks be to God he is back b/c its been getting a little dull around here lately. The weeping of my new male colleague (I took him to the stairwell to have some privacy. I mean a grown man cannot cry in the middle of the office. So I showed him my secret cry spot.) and knockdown screaming match between my old VP and Director (girlfriend told my old Director "You are a dumb mutherf*cker. I don't know how you have stayed in this company for as long as you have but I'm going to make sure your dumb motherf*cking a$$ is gone by year-end..." GET IT GIRL!) just don't tickle my fancy. Boooorrrriinnnnggg.

Yesterday started with some hacking and nose blowing, followed by sneezing. He swore up and down he felt better, but the snot filled Kleenexes on his desk proved otherwise (an entire box...he went through an entire box yesterday). However, he also mentioned (at level 236.91 on a scale of 1 -10) that he had a huge deliverable that needed to be met by week end so he couldn't possibly miss another day. He stood up from his desk today, while eating lunch and farted...I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to...and said "Well that one just slipped out, but it had some volume didn't it?!?!?! " and then laughed until his fat belly giggled like Santa's. Its just really unbelievable. I mean who stands up and farts so loud that I can hear it from my office. I mean that thing had bass. I might have actually felt it move my desk a little, like a small earthquake. I heard him complain to someone on the phone that I'm super loud. AS IF! Dude take a look in the mirror. Or perhaps take those cotton balls out of your ears (dude has more hair coming out of his ear than a chimpanzee) and listen to yourself. I'm almost tempted to think that he knows I'm blogging about him so he wants to give me good material. Well its working Mister Inappropriate. I love you more now than I did yesterday when you showed up all snot nosed and congested. My only hope is that you played out in the ice rain last night and you come in tomorrow with H1N1 and a bag full of one liners.

Off to my meeting that involves wine and cheese so technically I guess it isn't a meeting, but my company scheduled it so f you guys, it IS a meeting if its company sanctioned.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The B*tch is Back

I know, I know, I've been neglecting my blog.  But it isn't b/c I don't love to blog, its b/c I haven't really had anything that fun to talk about that isn't mushy and lovey and makes you want to throw up a little when you read about how wonderfully in love I am (see I just gagged a little at myself).  Just got back from Thanksgiving with the fam which is always a good time.  My family is so much freaking fun.  Not only does my father come out with the best one liners, the twins (my niece and nephew) have now joined the bandwagon.  At 3 & 1/2 years old they are really starting to make me proud.  For instance let me share this little exchange with my nephew:
3 1/2 yr. old nephew:  Megan where are your kids?
Me:  Well I don't have any kids
3 1/2 yr. old nephew:  Why not?
Me:  Because I haven't gotten married yet and chosen to procreate.
3 1/2 yr. old nephew:  Huh?
Me:  I'll start popping some out soon kiddo, don't you worry.
3 1/2 yr. old nephew:  Soon???  I'll be old by the time you do.

I mean seriously, now I'm getting pressure from my 3 1/2 year old nephew????  What is this world coming to?  I bet my mother put him up to that, I can almost guarantee she dropped that little nugget on him!  Or he's just a smart little sh*t and knew what buttons to press.  Pulls at my heart strings I tell ya, pulls at 'em (can you feel the sarcasm?).

At any rate, it was a good holiday.  My grandmother got a little tipsy at dinner (She had a cosmo and a glass of wine.  She is 89 years old and weighs about 90 lbs.  She is RAD!) and asked me (out loud mind you) if I thought it was possible for my sister to get any cheaper than she already was (it is not possible, though I'm betting I could be surprised by her).  She also told me that if she didn't approve of Coal Miner than I was to dump him immediately and find a suitable replacement.  Oh and that she was glad I wasn't driving home on Thanksgiving so that I could drink with her.  God I love my grandmother. 

Coal Miner met the fam, they loved him.  I mean who wouldn't?!?!  I think Coal Miner liked the 757.  Who knows, maybe I could get him to move back there if we could find some good jobs (hint hint, ahem, hint).  I seriously loathe the 703/202, mostly because of the traffic and inability to plan any type of activity without padding in traffic/travel time.  Spur of the moment no longer exists in my life and that just makes me a sad sad girl. 

Oh please note that I have been locked into skiing on NYE.  DEAR GOD HELP ME.  If I break anything or come back with bruises so large someone will assume that I get my a$$ beat on a regular basis by my roid loving boyfriend, I'm never going to forgive Coal Miner.  Until the day we die I'm going to say "Remember that time you made me go skiing and told me it was going to be easy...."  Well at least that's how the conversation will start.  I will of course embellish and make it a lot worse than it actually was, but that's my steeze so lay off. 

I'm rambling and I need to do a weekly metrics report and quarterly graphs (did you just jiz with excitement over what I need to get accomplished today at work?) so I'm peacing out.  Later betches.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Youz a Ho

So currently I work on this program at work where I have to listen-in on folks calling into a call center for assistance with their home loans.  Needless to say I've had some pretty interesting moments while listening in to these calls.  I feel bad b/c I've actually cried on a few of those b/c they are just heart wrenching, but then there are people who are just angry, or those that are just off their faking rockers.  Let me just give you a little insight into my daily life:

  1. Caller:  I 'm having a hard time hearing you b/c my left ear is all clogged up with wax.  Can you speak a little louder?

  2. Agent:  What is the total monthly income of those contributing?
    Caller:  Well I give most of my money to Jesus.
    Agent:  Oh that's wonderful ma'am.  What is the total monthly income of those contributing?
    Caller:  Ask Jesus how much I give him.  He'll tell you.

  3. Agent:  How can we help you today?
    Caller:  I didn't ask for your *bleep*'ing help!

  4. Agent:  Would you like me to transfer you to our Spanish speaking agents?
    Caller:  Huh?
    Agent:  I can transfer you to a spanish speaking agent if that would be more helpful.
    Caller:  Huh?  I don't speak Spanish, I'm from India.
    Agent:  Oh.

  5. Caller (while on hold):  I hate all these representatives.  I'm sure they are all stupid *bleep*'ing idiots and never graduated from high school.  Hello?  Is anyone there?  Stupid *bleep*'ing people.  I don't even know why I'm on hold (inaudible)...something about needing to verify my information.  I hate these *bleep*'ing people.

  6. Colleague of mine:  i was on hold while monitoring calls the other day...and the music was like this new agey/porn sounding music.  kinda freaked me out.

  7. Agent:  Thank you for calling [not telling you where I really work] how can we help you today?
    Caller:  Hello?
    Agent:  Thank you for calling [mind your business] how can we help you today?
    Caller:  Oh, there you are!  Did you know that I haven't paid my mortgage since May?
    Agent:  No sir I didn't know that.  I'm sorry to hear about that, how may we help you today?
    Caller:  Well you could pay my mortgage for me.  That would be a good start.  I mean doesn't everyone else get bailouts these days.  Can you bail me out [agent's name]?
    Agent:  No sir, unfortunately I can't.
    Caller:  Well that's a b*tch, thanks for your help.  OR NO *bleep*'ing HELP!  THIS COUNTRY BLOWS!

  8. Agent:  Can I have your loan number?
    Caller:  I don't know it.
    Agent:  Okay, and what is your monthly mortgage payment including all taxes and HOA fees.
    Caller:  I have no idea.  Where would I find that?
    Agent:  That's okay sir, can you provide me the property address?
    Caller:  Where would I find that?
    Agent:  Sir you do live in the house correct?
    Caller:  Yep, I own the house.

  9. Caller:  *singing* Imma get my mortgage paid...what now, what now.  Imma get my mortgage paid...yea yea, ooo oooo.  Imma get my mortgage paid, and stay up in my house.
These are just some of the higlights.  I won't mention any of the people who made me cry b/c those are not funny in the least bit.  They are hella depressing.  But these literally made my day when I was listening-in.  I'm sure I'll have more of these at a later date.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Well When I Hit it Big....

I have this new coworker, well actually he isn't new. I mean I moved office buildings and he just happened to be sitting in the cube across from my office when I moved into that jank. So I guess technically I'm the new coworker, whatever, technicalities, technicalities. Back to my story, so this guy is unbelievable. The other day he walks over to me, while picking his nose, and asks me if I have a tissue by any chance. I simply reply to him "Why? It looks like you've got that bugger under control." I smile and turn back to the report I'm editing. He stays in the doorway and says "Well, do you?" I slowly raise my head and say "Yea, over there, please don't touch anything else." So he grabs a tissue out of the box and walks out. No thank you or anything. Nice booger guy, nice. So yesterday, while minding my own business I hear this loud smacking noise. I can't for the life of me figure out what in the world that sound could be. Cue booger man, its the sound of him smacking his gum in his mouth. I mean seriously, that loud? Must be some good, juicy a$$ gum. So I'm like "Hey, you have any gum?" He says "Nope." I'm like "Really? Hmmm." I let that go, b/c I'm a nice person. Later in the day I notice he is walking around the office barefoot. Okay, I'll let that go too b/c I'm all about our employees feeling "at home" while in the office. However, please note that this carpet has clearly been here since the 90s and may not have been cleaned since it was installed. I mean I spilled my clam chowder on it the other day and left it for the cleaning people to figure out. Oh shut your face, it wasn't the whole thing, just a splatter of sorts. I've also flicked boogers (yep I just said that), dropped my lunch, popcorn, God knows, I've let it simmer on that carpet. So homeboy can continue to walk around barefoot. Hope ya don't catch ringworm buddy.  

Anyway, fast forward to this afternoon when I'm sitting in my office minding my own business and Mister Inappropriate answers his desk phone, speaking at level 28 on a scale of 1 - 10, and starts talking to someone in his family (I'm assuming his wife or child).  Now not only is he speaking at Level 28, he's chewing his mid-afternoon snack (which is a foot long sub.  Who eats an afternoon snack of a foot long sub?  THIS GUY!).  Whoever is on the other end obviously can't understand him b/c he says "Can you not hear me?  I said..." and then says "No, I said...." and then says something I couldn't even begin to translate b/c he took a huge bite of his sub.  Homeboy is a hot mess.  The person on the other end was obviously irritated by this entire exchange b/c the phone call ended with him saying "okay, okay, we can talk about this when I get home since you can't seem to understand me."  Dude, of course no one can understand you.  You are talking with a mouth full of cold cuts, lettuce, and condiments!

Bottom line, I love this guy.  He is my only source of entertainment throughout the day.  He doesn't get my sense of humor at all.  He doesn't even know when I'm joking him.  This is the best colleague I've ever had, hands down.  I can only hope the next few weeks are filled with more inappropriate behavior.  I told my boss about it and he asked if I wanted to move, to which I replied "You CAN NOT BE SERIOUS?  This is AWESOME!"  he looked at me strange but I don't care, b/c once I find some humor in my day, I'm sticking around to find out what else this guy has up his sleeve.  I'm going to say a little prayer tonight in hopes of more good fortune.  Who knew moving office buildings was going to be this much fun?  HOT DAMN I'm a happy girl!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Awards, Who? Me?!?! TAG THAT A$$!!

So Amber over at Everybody's Working for the Weekend tagged me a few days back (sorry about the delay I've been busy getting busy with the Coal Miner) with these two "awards" of sorts.  Amber is one of the funniest bitches I've never met, and I think its pretty rad that she would tag me to either a) entertain her or b)she couldn't think of anyone else and just picked me.  Either way I'm super stoked b/c I've never won a blog award and I just tinkled myself a little b/c I got so excited at the idea.  At any rate here are my awards and they entail some serious thought and consideration (which honestly Amber can you not make me think while I'm at work please?!?!):

Kreative Blogger Award:  I'm supposed to list 7-10 facts about me then pass the “Kreativ Blogger’ award on to other favorite bloggers of mine.  I hope I don't fug this up and tag someone who's already been tagged, which I probably will.  Anyway, here goes nothing.

1.  I've never been skiing, snowboard, etc.  I've basically never done any sport that involves snow.  Want to know why?  Its b/c I hate being cold.  Specifically I hate being cold and wet at the same time.  I also like to always be able to feel my fingers and toes and not feel like an amputee, so I gracefully decline each time I'm asked to go on some sort of snow adventure.  *please note I'm supposed to go skiing with Coal Miner this "season", pray for me

2.  I've never been camping.  Like real camping people.  I mean my grandparents had this awesome camper, but I don't think that counts.  Want to know why?  B/c I like to take showers, like 2 - 3 a day.  I also have this thing with washing my face.  I have oily skin, I need to wash it so shut your face.  Also, I hate bugs, peeing/crapping in a hole, and sleeping on dirt.  *please note I'm supposed to go camping with Coal Miner, pray for me

3.  I drink at least a gallon of water a day.  I'm addicted.  I honestly start to get angry and jittery when I don't have a glass of water in front of me.  I can also instantly begin to feel a UTI coming on when I don't have my water.  I add nothing to my water, just ice, but I LOVE my water.  Oh and some days I get sick of water so I'll buy a Coke or something and then I'll immediately chug a water b/c its so dayum sugary.

4.  I don't drink caffeinated anything. I went on this detox a few years back and haven't drank caffeine on a regular basis since then. I swear to the heavens above if you do this detox you will understand how evil caffeine actually is to your body. I thought my brain was going to fly out of my forehead the first day when I was withdrawing from caffeine like a fugging crack head. Awful. You can read about the whole freaking ordeal here, if you have any interest. I'd totally do it again, I'm not going to lie.

5.  Every time someone talks, I hear a song that corresponds with some word/phrase that was in a sentence they have said to me.  I spend my entire day singing songs in my head based on what someone said and/or I overheard.  To clarify, its mostly due to the fact that a phrase/word they say is actually in a song that I know most of the lyrics.  Its important to note that I pretty much know the lyrics to every song ever made.

6.  I was a pageant queen. Yea hold in your vomit. I loved it. I have no secrets here on this blog, I loved the stage. I loved the hair, the makeup, the dresses, the talent, the questions. I love the limelight and by God I got it from my pageants. I'm pretty certain that's why I became a cheerleader. Not only because I have awesome legs and the shorter the skirt the better, but b/c I love being the center of attention (maybe I need therapy, nah, fug it I'm just an attention whore).

7.  I secretly love the fact that I'm the last child in my family.  Don't get me wrong, it was hard teaching my parents all those lessons about bad kids and what they really do on Friday nights, but I think I got the best deal out of that scenario.  I had my parents all to myself for 4 full years.  It was kind of awesome.  I became best friends with my mother and father, and I swear we have this awesome bond that neither sister can compete.  Guess it isn't really a secret anymore, but I'm pretty sure they knew that anyway.

On to my next award (I say with a sassy little grin)...

Over the Top! Award: 

Rules for the Over the Top! Award say that I can only use one word to describe a series of questions I'm given.  Then I have to tag 6 other bloggers (but I don't know that many...dilemma..hmmm) to do the same.  Okay let's do this sh!t, oooo ooooooooooo.

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2.Your hair? Long
3. Your mother? Hysterical
4. Your father? Loving
5. Your favorite food? Seafood
6. Your dream last night? Weird
7. Your favorite drink? H2O
8. Your dream/goal? Balance
9. What room are you in? 4000W
10. Your hobby? Wine
11. Your fear? Saggy
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Successful
13. Where were you last night? Maggianos
14. Something that you aren’t? Sad
15. Muffins? Tops
16. Wish list item? Lottery
17. Where did you grow up? Beach
18. Last thing you did? Tinkled
19. What are you wearing? Clothes
20. Your TV? Small
21. Your pets? Deceased
22. Friends? Yes
23. Your life? Rad
24. Your mood? Excited
25. Missing someone? CM
26. Vehicle? Infiniti
27. Something you’re not wearing? Panties *kidding*
28. Your favorite store? Saxs
29. Your favorite color? Bright
30. When was the last time you laughed? Now
31. Last time you cried? Weeks
32. Your best friend? Sister
33. One place that I go to over and over? Home
34. One person who emails me regularly? CM
35. Favorite place to eat? Zatinya
So I know I'm supposed to nominate someone, but if I were going to nominate anyone it would be Candice, or Amber, or Sassy, or Crystal and they've all aready done this jank.  I need to expand my blogsphere huh?  But these ladies entertain me on the reg, so I feel like I don't need to expand my blogsphere just yet, lol.
Got any suggestions for more regular reading on my part, send 'em my way.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I'm Cracking the Code

So yesterday I get a text from Under Armor asking me to go see a movie.  Ummm, its been July since our last date.  The infamous date in which he hit it and quit it.  So why, please someone tell me why, would he text me and ask me (okay yes I already see that the text is the first problem, pick up a phone dude) to go on a date this week?  I decide to tell Coal Miner about this little incident b/c we have absolutely no secrets and he let's me know why this has happened.  The conversation goes a little something like this:

Me:  So this guy from Match texted me and asked me to go out on a date to the movies this week.  Unbelievable... *long pause*
Coal Miner:  Oh really?  When's the last time you went out with him? (very suave CM, I see you trying to figure out if I was double-dipping).
Me:  I don't know!  Dude I haven't been out with him since July. *I'm yelling*
CM:  Did you hook up with him?
Me: Yea
CM:  On the first date
Me:  No! *said with disgust*  You know me, I don't do that on the first date!!!  It was like the second date.
CM:  Oh, well then he's just stacking his weekend up.
Me:  Excuse me?
CM:  Yea he was probably banging you and a few other chicks and he thinks his sure bet is gonna fall through this weekend so he's trying to get you scheduled.  I used to do it all the time. *said with no emotion at all*
Me:  You used to participate in this behavior?
CM:  F*ck yea! *said with gusto*
Me:  Nice *said with a slight tinge of sarcasm*
CM:  Listen baby, it goes like this.  As a dude you aren't really ready to settle down, but you may/may not like some of the chicks you are banging.  So you keep them around until you are ready or until you need to get laid.  I used to do it all the time.
Me: Mmmmm hmmmm *said all ghetto*
CM:  That is until I met you of course.
Me:  Oh cut the bullshit.  I can't believe this.  You guys are assholes. *said very adamant like*
CM:  Yea, but it works. *again, no emotion*
Me:  I thought he wanted to be friends with me.  I mean I thought he liked me, b/c I'm cool, and fun to hang out with, and I can drink ya know.
CM:  Yea, he didn't.  He was planning on banging you again.  No dude ever wants to be friends with a chick they were banging at one time.  Hey was this the "hit it and quit it" guy? *so inquisitive*
Me:  Ummm, yea.  Anyway, next topic.
CM:  Sloot, my baby is a sloot.
Me:  F*ck you, how many people have you slept with again?
CM:  Whatever *laughing*
Me: Richard *not laughing*

So apparently Under Armor never even liked me as a friend. He just wanted a piece of my sweet pie again.   I mean yea I know he's mentioned that previously in texts (like only a few 100 times) and I've just ignored it and seen him as flirting. But homeboy seriously has no interest in being my friend?!?!?! Why wouldn't you want to be friends with me if I never plan to do you again? I'm the raddest chick I know. His loss and CM's gain. B/c let's be real folks...DoubleM is severely falling in love with CM *le sigh* God he's hot, and smart, and sweet, and loving, and wonderful. Okay enough bragging about my amazing boyfriend. Just thought I would share with you some of the "lovey" thoughts I've been having as opposed to the "F this!" thoughts I usually have.

Peace out from the norfwes side of DC.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Today Is Making Me Laugh

Okay I don't have the day off today to celebrate Christopher Columbus brining slavery into the US and basically leveling the Native American population, so I'm kind of bitter and fighting back by not doing work and scanning the internet instead.  I was reading and stumbled upon this:

LOL - The lost balls of Loch Ness huh?  What if Nessy is a chick CNN, what then?

Seriously though - who was in charge of publishing today?  B/c really, reaaaalllyyy you didn't think anything when you published this?  I call bs on that.  Needless to say, it kind of made my day. :)

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Am Not! Are Too! Am Not!

Apparently I shouldn't be blogging at work. Actually this is just what my mother says and my mother has said some other truly ridiculous things throughout my life so I can't say that I am really going to listen to her on this front either. Like for instance my mother used to tell me that I couldn't possibly leave the house without my lipstick applied. To this day I do not wear lipstick. I wear lip gloss, but not lipstick. My mother on the other hand wears this bright ass pink lipstick. Like I swear she's competing with Gwen Stefani in a lip stain tournament You can see her lips coming from like a mile away. Its horrid. I've tried to get her to change it but she swears "the lady at the Lancôme counter said this was the best color for me!" I always follow that up with "Mother have you seen the ladies' makeup at the Lancôme counter? I'm certain they take tips from the ladies who have a "night job" (using my air quotes) on 16th street." She proceeds to tells me I very wrong, how the color is perfect for her, and continues applying copious amounts of that fugly color to her very small and thin lips. SMH.

I've never really understood this whole "never leave home without lipstick on" statement anyway b/c if I'm not wearing lipstick and I meet say a hot guy or a top modeling agency who wants to book me immediately (please keep in mind that I'm 5'4) is the fact that I'm not wearing lipstick really going to deter either or these people from glancing in my direction? I think I'm pretty hot without lipstick on and honestly I feel like an old granny when I wear it, mostly b/c I'm not really good at picking colors for myself and I hate lip liner and I used to wear it when I was go-go dancing (no, not like stripping, I was one of those chicks at the club who dances on boxes...did your nipples just get hard? I thought so). So yea, lipstick, not my thing.

You know another thing my mother used to say? She used to tell me that it was completely acceptable to date 5 - 6 men at a time. Ummm Mom, are you trying to make me a slut? I mean I think I got the slut thing down on my own without my mother's influence, but still, come on lady! I used to tell her that it was too stressful and I couldn't possibly keep all of the conversations (let alone hookups (no, I did not share this with her)) straight. But she is such a nag. She would totally be disappointed when I would be exclusive with someone. I still think she finds its ridiculous I'm only dating one guy. I mean at some point I need to get married right? Dating multiple men isn't going to help me on that front Mother. I'll just get used to getting laid by all walks of life and possibly get attached to one in particular who will have a larger than life member and will probably be less than fantastic for me.  Oh wait that's right, I already did that, and he was married.  NICE.  But just for the record, I didn't know that he was married.  He lied, and his wife was living in Canada.  I mean how the hell was I supposed to know he was married?  He didn't wear a ring, he had no pictures up in his house, I spent 3+ months with this dude, at his house, really who the hell could of known that?  Which by the way totally pisses me off b/c that makes me a "home wrecker" and I didn't even set out to be one.  Great, I just got disgusted with myself all over again and it isn't even my fault.  Whoa tangent! Back on track Megan, back on track please.

Anyway, moral of this little line my mother used to feed me is that I'm not a good "playa". I like being with one person, so my mother needs to slow her roll. However she seems to be really excited about Coal Miner, which is good b/c he is like the sweetest effing guy ever, and he's kind of dreamy, and I'm totally gey for him, and really enjoying our extracurricular activities if you know what I mean *wink wink*.

Oh and check this out, here's another new one she's come up with "You have to try the bike out before you buy it." WHOA SHIRLEY (that's my mother's name and I occasionally, okay most of the time, call her by her first name)!!! I think Shirley has started to realize that I won't be a happy girl unless I've tried out the goods prior to marrying said goods. She is really starting to get with the program in her older and wiser years. Before it was all "Megan, why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?" and "Megan, I can't believe you!" or "Megan, I don't need to know about your little sexual escapades." But now, now I think she secretly wants to know. Its become blatantly obvious over the past two years that my mother lives vicariously through me. Secretly, I love this and hate this at the same time. Like she hints around to whether or not Coal Miner stays the night or asks me what we did after the movie. I mean what am I supposed to say? "Well Shirley, Coal Miner and I came home from the movies and he smacked my ass 14 ways sideways." No, I don't think so Shirley. My mother is cool, but she isn't that cool. And she will just use this as ammo against me - of that I am certain. So I coolly say things like "Oh nothing." HA, take that Shirley!  I might be getting some but you'll never know.  You'll neevvvaaa knnnooowww *said in my best theatrical voice possible*

This is random, I'm going back to work.  If my boss asks, I've been doing data collection and web design for the past 30 minutes.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Nah, I Think Its Great You Still Have a 10 Year Old Phone

This morning while driving to work I realized that I loathe people who talk on their cell phones and drive at the same time.  Actually, let me clarify, its the ones who hold their Motorola Razr up to their ear b/c they still don't have a headset.  I guess that one that came with the phone just doesn't really cut it and holding the phone up to their ear is muuuuch easier.  So, here comes my road rage in a list of rules you may want to follow if my vehicle is within a 500 ft radius of your vehicle. 

A)  That Cool Little Lever on the Left is a Turn Signal, USE IT - Driver's Ed was many many moons ago for most of us. However I think we would all benefit from using that nifty turn signal to signify when we are *gasp* changing lanes or *gasp* making a turn. See, this nifty device is used to let people know that you need to get over, or you would like to get over, or perhaps you are going to make a turn. I know it can be hard to remember all the things you have to do while driving, but I feel like this one could be pretty easy to slip back into your regimen.

B)  Your Welcome A$$hole - If I let you over, you better stick your hand up to signal thank you. Hell you could even stick it out the window or your sunroof to let me know you are thankful that after sitting in traffic for one hour I decided to let you and your sh*tty car in front of me. I didn't have to do that, but out of the kindness of my heart I know what's its like to just sit and wait, so in turn I decided to let you get in front of me. SO THANK ME YOU PRICK.

C)  My Turn Signal is NOT a Signal for You to Drive Faster - Hey Douchebag in the Honda with the piece of sh*t muffler causing excess noise and gases to seep into our very thin ozone layer - yea you.  I put my turn signal on b/c I needed to get out of this exit lane and merge over.  That wasn't a signal for you to speed up your little rice burner and box me out so I have to come to a complete stop and cause traffic.  Let me in Richard.  And by the way, my car can smoke yours, so don't test me.  I'm just trying to save gas b/c I'm a cheap ass.

D)  Merge Lanes Were Created to Merge, Not Stop - I know this can be a hard concept to grasp, but merge lanes are really very easy to understand.  You use them so you can merge into oncoming traffic.  See, if you stop in the merge lane you cause traffic to build-up on the on-ramp, therefore causing traffic to build-up on the main road, so please, be a lamb and put your foot on the accelerator.

E)  I Really Can't Hear You When You are Yelling at Me With the Windows Rolled Up - Apparently I did something to piss you off a mile back or even like 10 seconds ago.  But when you are yelling at me through the windows I find it very hard to understand what you are saying and comprehend what I could have possibly done to cause you to be soooo angry with me.  Honestly this just makes me laugh and wave at you b/c I find you amusing.  I'm sorry I did whatever it is I did, but you have road rage and you should see someone about that.  Toodles!

F) Yield to Traffic in the Circle - Roundabouts are European, I get it, you aren't from Europe. But for Lawrd's sake, there are flipping signs everywhere telling you to yield to traffic in the circle. Do you really not get what that means? Its means the people currently traveling in the circle have the right-of-way. Understand now?

G)  A Fire Truck / Ambulance is Coming, Get OUT OF THE WAY - I hope when you are either in an accident or being escorted to the hospital people like you are ALL OVER the road. See people like you think you are so important and where/what you need to do trumps that Fire truck/Ambulance coming in behind you. Keep that in mind when you are sitting around waiting for someone to save your life and some a$$hole just like you wouldn't get the f*ck out of the way for the fire truck/ambulance, so you end up suffering a little longer. Its simple folks, move to the right, or move anywhere that gets out of the way of that big hunk of steel on the way to save someone's life. Its the least you can do during so karma doesn't rip you a new one.

H)  I'm Not Impressed With Your Rims or Your Tint Job - You probably spent a lot of money on your rims and your tint job, but I still need you to drive the speed limit.  Cruising in front of me at 25 when the speed limit is 40 only tells me that you have a small penis or absolutely no money in your bank account.  And just a little word of advice - if someone is impressed with your rims/tint job, you should run for the hills b/c I'm certain that person will bring you nothing but bills, more bills, and drama.  Or they'll shoot you b/c they want your rims/tint job.

I)  Riding My Tail Won't Get You There Any Faster - However it will cause you to ruin both my bumper and yours if you get nailed from behind.  So back the eff up.  I promise that extra foot of space isn't going anywhere in the next 10 miles.  We'll all get there, just chill out.

J)  Please Don't Make Me Listen to Your Music - Didn't your mother teach you anything?  The level of that bass and treble are going to bust out your ear drums.  You'll be deaf by 50.  Do us both a favor, save our ears, and our sanity, turn that down.  Mostly just the bass b/c yea that was cool back when I was 16, but now I don't like to feel the bass in my chest b/c it makes me afraid I'm having a heart attack and I'm too young to die. 

Friday, October 2, 2009

Moldy Peppers...WAIT A MINUTE!

So my mother sends my sister's and me this email about 10 minutes ago.  I'm dying laughing.  Not only is this shit haaalareous, but its hard to believe it happens in real life. If you knew my mother, the sound of her voice, and the sound of her awesome laughter, that would make this email even better.  I kid you not my sisters and I are dying right now.  Also please note my mother's connection to the peppers and the individual, so f'ing funny.


From: My Mother

Sent: Friday, October 02, 2009 4:17 PM

To: Me & My Sisters

Subject: Interpretation - please

Today we had a salesman come in for one of the local Latino newspapers. He was rather a strange person. [Coworker] and I spoke to him for about a ½ hour where he was trying to convince us to buy an ad in his paper. He finally says that he has something for us and proceeds to pull a baggie out of his shirt pocket. I could see that the contents were red and thought it might be a key chain or something different. It was different all right – he pulls out dried red peppers which he says are from his garden and he wants to share them with us. He didn’t even have a new baggie to put them in – just shakes the four dried things onto the table. [Coworker] noticed that one was old and had mold on it. He then started talking about growing string beans and corn on the cob. He said he loved growing things because he really liked watching the growth process and how the bugs interact with the plants. He later went into great detail about his 9 foot corn stalk and how silky the four ears of corn were. I think he finally ended the conversation with saying it didn’t take much to turn him on. That’s when [Coworker] decided she had had enough and ended the conversation.

So, we are asking the questions, “who comes into an office and gives someone dried red peppers one of which is moldy?” We understand the Latino connection with salsa, etc. However, this just seems way too bizarre. We have laughed about it all afternoon. However, I am so glad we at least have two men working in the office with us. Are we just being paranoid? Mom

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

You're an Annoying Human - In My Eyes at Least.

So I think its high time that I let everyone know about my Facebook pet peeves.  Each morning/evening I find myself more amused and/or disgusted more than ever at what folks are posting on said social networking site. 
  1. I don't care if your son/daughter went pee-pee/poo-poo in the potty:  Listen folks, I don't have any children, but I do have nieces and a nephew and I do realize this is a large accomplishment for children. However, its pretty fugging disgusting. I mean do I really need to know that your kid did #1 or #2 in a little plastic pot on the ground? Your child is going to be scarred for life knowing that I now know that he/she just took a shit. I see therapy in their future. So please keep that shit (no pun intended) to yourself.
  2. I'm sure your boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife is amazing, but I don't need to know how amazing he/she is in bed or wherever else it is you are doing it these days:  Are you serious?  Like seriously...nice, very classy.  I bet he/she would be really excited that I (and 200 of your closest friends who may/may not have ever met this person before) now know that he/she gave you the best head, tried a new position, rocked your world for hours, has an amazing rack/package/taint/etc.  I could care less about TMI, but this is just too much for a Facebook status update.
  3. Debbie downer, take a Xanax pronto:  Jesus, I don't know how so many bad things can happen to one person, but for God's sake please get yourself in some therapy with a quickness.  Your status updates are making me want to jump off the nearest roof.  I'm sorry your dog died, and your boyfriend broke up with you, and you are having a hard time, and lost your job, and foreclosed on your house, and had a fight with your mom, and you feel fat, and today sucks, and you are sick, and you don't know what you did to deserve this, but honestly I think its high time you sought some medical attention b/c I like to call your little problems - DEPRESSION.
  4. If you don't like your children, you probably shouldn't have procreated:  Again, I don't have children and I'm sure there are days you would like to drop your kids off at school and possibly leave them there for a few days. But every single solitary day of your life? You my friend, gots a pro'lem. You hate your kids. I would say its pretty safe to assume you hate your life. So while I can appreciate parental frustration, stating that you kids are pissing you off, annoying, whining too much, asking too many questions, being little shits, making a mess, always bothering you, never give you peace, are obnoxious, spoiled rotten, won't leave you alone and you wish you never woke up, everyday of your life...yea take a step back. Maybe you should take those kids over to Grandma's or possibly the closest Kinder Care.
  5. Nope, dont' feel sorry for you after having three months off you have to go back to work:  Teachers are special people. I give them mad daps, b/c I absolutely, 100%, do not have the patience to deal with children and their crappy parents on a regular basis. So please know that I appreciate you, love what you do, and think you are rad. However, I don't feel sorry for you. I get off 4 weeks a year. Count that, 20 days a year (not including sick days and national holidays - but you also get sick days and national holidays). So while you have been basking in the sun all summer, running errands, keeping your house clean, fixing dinner, working out at your leisure, and all that jazz, I've been sitting behind a desk writing over 200 emails a day, attending back-to-back meetings for 8 hours straight, and have to listen to some nit wit who has worked here for 20 years tell me about what's new and innovative in the industry right now. So, I'm sooo sorry that you have to go to work and earn money for the next 9 months (technically its 8 with all the vacay and holidays) but shut the f*ck up with your whining, b/c I will kick you in your shin if you say another word about "going back to reality".
  6. Grammar is golden:  A lot of browsers these days have spell check, but that won't help you bad grammar person (mine is awesome right now). Did you know that their/there are different words with different meanings? Oh another little tid bit to/too - very different as well. Oh and "irregardless" isn't a word. I could go on for days, but I'm sensing you didn't do very well in those English classes throughout your primary and secondary education did you? Yea, I didn't think worries, sort of...errr could you just try a little harder maybe? Feel free to use spell check too, it’s this way groovy invention.
  7. I really don't need to know what type of 90210 personality you are:  Those quizzes are really starting to piss me off.  I don't care what type of Zombie, Sex in the City character, which city you should live in, what age you will be when you die, what type of engagement ring you'll have, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.  AND how did you find the time to take four of them in a row?  I mean who has that kind of time to devote to FB quizzes? So if you could stop posting them to your News Feed I would be super grateful. 
  8. Great, now I know every detail of your day:  Its great that you get to stay at home and don't have to work or maybe you have your Facebook hooked up to your mobile device, but I'm pretty sure no one cares about every small detail of your life.  Apparently I can relive your entire day right now b/c I'm so traumatized from having to relive it every single day of my life without actually wanting to do such a thing.  No seriously, ask me, I can probably tell you what you did yesterday word for word.  I'm cool with a few details of your day, but every move you make is a little much.  Let's keep it simple and I think you'll find you have more folks responding to your status updates and even removing you from that "Hide" feature in their News Feed (look I just used "their" appropriately).
  9. Just b/c you are friends with people we both know, doesn't mean I should be your friend:  Why on Earth would you send someone a friend request you don't even know?  Yea we seem to know some of the same people but I've never had a conversation with you, let alone laid eyes on you before.  You are so creepy and weird, go away.
  10. You aren't going to get fired b/c I posted a pic of you on Facebook:  Get over yourself.  A) You aren't that important.  B) If they fire you, they were just looking for a reason.  C) Don't friend your co-workers dumbass.  D) If you wouldn't want people to know you did it, you prolly shouldn't be photographed doing it then eh?  E) Ask me nicely, I'll take it down.  F) You are boring and obviously lead a double-life..wait that's kind of interesting, tell me more!
That's really all I can think of right now.  Don't worry I'm sure I'll get on FB tonight and be like "F*CK I knew I forgot one!"

Friday, September 25, 2009

Oh Really? Cuz I Still Don't Care...Just Thought You Should Know

It was brought to my attention that I use quite a few words and/or sayings that folks are unfamiliar or make them a little uncomfortable. I'm here to clarify most of my terms/sayings and what they mean to me. Now please understand that this may not be the correct and/or actual use of the term, but suck it, its my ish, its how I talk, so deal with it. Also I may have stolen a few of these from other people down the road, but that's just how this world works.  Got it? Great, lets begin. Get your pens/pencils ready kiddies, this should be gooood.

1. ish = sh*t

2. Get Better = when something is so awesome it really can't get any better

3. Get Worse = when something is so bad, you really can't get any worse

4. do what? = I don't hear you; I don't understand you; I just want to make fun of you

5. Jank = general term used to talk about items, stuff, etc.

6. with a quickness = Really? Do I really need to explain this? Hurry up.

7. OMO = Oh My Ohm

8. Shut the front door = Shut the f*ck up

9. Trrruuueeee = Lil Kim anyone?

10. Baish, Beitch, Betch = b*tch

11. Chronic, Dank, Rad = used to describe when something is off the chains

12. FNA = effing a$$shole

13. Besos = this is Spanish for kisses (Coal Miner this was especially for you)

14. Shut your face = Whatever; Please be quiet; stop talking immediately; I feel stupid and don't like to feel stupid

15. Faced = short for sh*t faced

16. Blazed = high

17. Werd = word

18. China = vagina

19. Okes = its the plural version of okay

20. No worries = its cool

21. haaaaaa-lareous = hilarious

22. P.I.C. = partner in crime

23. you dayum rite = I think that’s self explanatory

24. steeze = how I roll

25. the gerbils are running = when I lay in bed at night and cannot stop thinking

26. apple splatters (i recently acquired this) = diarrhea

27. butt throwing up = diarrhea

28. Oooooo Ooooooooooo = how I greet my PIC; an exclamation when things are awesome

29.  Valid = correct; exactly; agreed; yes 

Ps the picture at the top has nothing to do with this post.  I just think David Beckham is a gift to women from the heavens above, and should practice getting someone pregnant with me.

Monday, September 21, 2009

I Need to Get My Life in Order

Weekend Recap:  
Volume OBX Bachelorette Party

Let's first start this off by saying that right now I am eating spoonfuls of peanut butter b/c my wonderful co-workers have scheduled yet ANOTHER meeting during lunch. I mean I know I eat a lot and I'm always hungry, but for the love of all things heavenly could you please stop fugging scheduling meetings during the time I need to feed my tape worm? JEZUS!

Spent the weekend (I'm lying, I left on Thursday so really I spent the past 4 days) in Nags Head with my 757 betches. Needless to say take 12 women and 13 bottles of wine, 5 bottles of champagne, 4 18-packs of Bud Light, and 3 Liter bottles of vodka and what you have there is what I like to call a good time. Let's go over the weekend play-by-play.

Thursday Night: We started Thursday night off by meeting some neighbors next door (all dudes) who like to sing rap tunes, but acoustic w/the guitar. If you've never heard Biggie's "Juicy" acoustically by a white man, you are totally missing out (he also did some Snoop, he's a good time). The evening started to decline when the neighbors joined us (and not just serenading us from the balcony) and we began to drink heavily. Now let's be clear on this, the neighbors were from Baltimore. Not that there is anything wrong with Baltimoron, just that they were your typical young white trashy Baltimorons. However, they were a lot of fun and one of the guys worked for UTZ so he brought over these awesome pretzels and chips and we loved him forever b/c he satisfied the drunk munchies. Oh lets not forget the buffalo chicken dip that KT made...I'm pretty sure that betch sprinkled mine with some snow b/c I finished the whole dayum bucket with her. Some additional highlights of the evening include 5 broken beer bottles (back off, we were in the hot tub and our hands were slippy), one too many cigarettes (I'm pretty sure I smoked and I DO NOT smoke), possibly some greenery, and someone's mom next door telling us to turn the amp down and be quiet. HAAALLLAAAARIOUS.

Friday: Woke up without a shirt on in my bed staring at my best friend singing "I used to read WordUp Magazine" in my head. Mystery solved about the shirt, I was in the hot tub, I started to put on my pj's and go to sleep but was just too tired to actually put a shirt on at that time (waaay too much work). So I decided to seep in just my sleepy pants sans shirt. Thanks to KT for covering me with my sweatshirt - much obliged. I went to lie out and fell asleep in the sun b/c I managed about 4 hours of sleep and was in desperate need of a recharge. Around 11am the Bloody Mary's started flowing. Around 1pm the hot tub was turned on. Around 2pm the beer bonging started. Around 2:30pm the champagne cocktails came out. I have vague memories after this, but I know it involved me eating pasta salad b/c someone told me I would die of alcohol poisoning if I didn't, chasing around a 3 year old who fell in love with me b/c I was "soo much fun Miss Megan", and a rainbow spotting. Cue the night sky.

Friday Night: There was a lot of Red Bull and Vodka included in this evening which is just such a bad idea in itself. Apparently around midnight two of the gals and I decided it would be a rad idea to go to the local bar/club and hang out. I wore no makeup, my hair in a ponytail, and flip flops. I must have been STUNNING. We ended up finding a bachelor party that we hung out with the entire time (and a creepy guy who kept sticking his bad breath in my face and trying to dance with me), pouring my drink on a girl and saying "What Bitch? I don't know your life!!”, taking a cab home, forcing the cab driver to stop at Wendy's to feed my “SNACK ATTACK BITCHES”, and laughing for 3 hours straight. Additionally, I came home to find that all of my items were in the washing machine b/c apparently someone threw up on them. That's nice. At least my pillow survived the incident so I could slumber in peace (if you call drunk sleeping “slumber”).

Saturday: Let's just call this the "Come to Jesus" moment. After 8 hours of sleep in a 2-day period, so much alcohol it actually didn't matter how many times I brushed my teeth my breath still wreaked of it, countless unexplainable bruises, foggy memories of my own funny statements, and the inability to remember portions of the previous evening, my body shut down. She no longer wanted to act like she could hang anymore; she just wanted to die...right then and there. I am doing some serious damage to my liver and internal organs and really need to get my life in order. This became the theme of the entire weekend and continues to live on. However I ate the best hot dog I have ever had in my life (kosher dog with relish, mustard, ketchup and coleslaw) and did a little shopping so it wasn't all a wash. Let’s not forget me asking if the chick on Dirty Dancing has a sailboat on her p*ssy b/c seriously when Baby’s sister is rehearsing for that stupid talent show, those shorts she has on, looks like a sailboat placed strategically on her china. Take a look, let me know your thoughts.

All-in-all this was a pretty fun arse weekend. I left a lot out b/c I plan to blog about this weekend again and right now my fingers/brain are tired from typing/thinking so much.  The girls plan to do this every year and turn it into a girl's weekend instead of a bachelorette party...can I hang? Time will only tell people, time will only tell.

p.s.  I'm totally gey for the Coal Miner.  Makes me a happy girl.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

You Can Just Call Me Skinny Bitch

I don't know what my deal is, but for the past week but my hunger patterns have really begun to concern me. Used to be that I would wake up every morning and have an English muffin with peanut butter and strawberries, but lately the thought of food at 6:30am makes me want to spit chunks into the face of a child. So then like 10:30am will come around and I could eat an entire small calf. I'm freaking starving, but I have a taste for nothing. So I let this go on until about noon-thirty-ish and at that point I'm no longer hungry but I figure I should eat. So I barely touch my salad (I eat a salad almost every day for lunch) and I fight back the urge to throw it in the trash. Then around 2:00pm I want french fries, or chocolate, or eggs, like hard boiled eggs (don't ask, lately I've been eating like 2 hard boiled eggs a day...I really have no clue why). So then I go home and I'm still not hungry so I'll decide I'm going to work out and of course the minute I finish stretching for my run, my stomach is eating my back fat and cursing me in 14 different languages b/c its so f'ing hungry. So I go for the run, come back, the hunger is gone. The thought of food sends chills all over my body and upchucking everything I've eaten for the day seems like the best idea I've come up with in weeks. By 10pm, I want to eat an entire bag of Swedish Fish coupled with 7-11 nachos. So you may ask yourself "Is Megan pregnant?" And to that I reply "SHUT YOUR FACE!", of course I'm not, I just think I have a tape worm or something (but aren't those supposed to make you want to eat more?!?!). Oh man what if I have some like weird virus and it makes me lose tons of weight? Once I find out if that's the case I'll take requests to lick your face and transfer it to you at your earliest convenience. In all seriousness though, if this leads to weight loss I will be kind of excited (not that I really need to lose any weight, but a size 2 seems surprisingly within my reach) but also mystified by the entire process. WTF is wrong with me? Usually I'm ALWAYS HUNGRY. Not to mention I almost always want a glass of wine or a beer, especially before noon. Even that doesn't sound delightful in the least bit. Jezus P Christ, someone figure out whats going on so I can go back to being Fatty McFatterson please!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

If I Get Shot, You Know Who Did It

Here's a little gem of a story - yesterday while driving home in my sweet rental car (its a Chevy HHR - yea I know wipe that moisture from your pants, its hawt) I almost hit three chicks walking through the middle of 123 attempting to get to the Farifax Connector Station to catch the bus to the metro. Now, I wouldn't have cared that I almost hit them and just blown it off to them been silly and young (and obviously violating all types of traffic regulations) until the one loud mouthed chick says "Watch where you going BITCH!" and taps the hood of the car with her hands. Oh hail no! I'm sorry, last time I checked crosswalks were designed so you could cross the street at designated times without me making a human pancake out of you and your friends. Well, this really bothered me and I'm not sure why b/c usually I would just flick that chick off and keep driving, but not last night, oh no. I decided I was going to be very polite and talk to these young ladies about the choices they were making in their lives (including but not limited to their horrid makeup, hair, and various piercings). So I roll down my window and have a little conversation that goes something like this:
Me: *speaking in the sweetest tone known to mankind* You know, you ladies should probably use the crosswalk instead of walking across one of the busiest streets in Northern Virginia. I'm pretty sure that's what they were put there, to be used by folks just like you. Be careful ladies, I don't want anything to happen to you.
Ghetto Girl #1: F*ck you slut. How is this any of your bidness, mind yo f*ckin' bidness and go da f*ck away.
Me: Ummm well its my business when I hit you and end up killing you b/c you somehow think its completely unnecessary to use the crosswalk and instead want to play Frogger.
Ghetto Girl #1: Why don't you go call your boyfriend and tell him to give you some dick b/c you obviously need some.
Ghetto Girl #2: Oh my god gurl, you is so funny.
Me: That wasn't funny and I'm not sure why this is funny to you. I could have killed you or seriously hurt you. Do you not understand that?
Ghetto Girl #1: Like I said *turns her back and says something completely inaudible but it contains a lot of curse words and head shaking and hands moving, then turns back around* so F*CK YOU, YOU F*CKIN WHITE BITCH!
Me: *still speaking in the nicest tone known to mankind* Wow, that was special and so well thought out. You know, stop being so ignorant and have a normal conversation.
Ghetto Girl #2: You don't even knoooowwww meeeee.
Ghetto Girl #1 & 3: *nodding their heads* mmmmm hmmmmm dat's rite
Me: Nor do I want to ladies.
Ghetto Girl #1 (w/#2 & 3 nodding their heads and saying "mmm hmm"): You stupid white bitch, I hate all of you. Thinking you so high and mighty, tryin' to treat me like a slave and tell me what to do. I said it once, Imma say it again, F*CK YOU WHITE BITCH.
Ghetto Girl #2: *Laughing uncontrollably* You is so funny gurl, dis stupid bitch.
Me: Okay ladies, how about you go catch your bus to go back to your ghetto or public housing, in which you are probably still living with your parents, and most likely have multiple children from different fathers, and good luck finishing your "medical assistant" career which you are obviously dressed for at the moment. Oh and *now the tone changes and head movements and gesticulation* USE THE F*CKING CROSS WALK NEXT TIME OR I WILL RUN YOUR A$$ES OVER WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT ABOUT IT BIIIIIIITCH!
Ghetto Girl #1, 2, & 3: *Mouths open...crickets...still more crickets*
Me: *sweetest tone know to mankind is back* Gosh, I must have hit the nail on the head with that one huh? Well you have a blessed day ladies. Toodles. *big smile*

Listen I can be even more ghetto than these ladies, so I thought it was worth displaying...and then I realized it wasn't, I only stooped to their level and now they just hate me (and my race) even more. Why, oh why did I have to even open my mouth? SMH.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Me + Intersections = BAD IDEA

Labor Day has come and gone. Sigh - this means that Fall is coming very very soon. I noticed the other day its getting darker and darker, earlier and earlier, NOOOOOOOO [said very dramatically almost in slow motion]. Good visit with the fam this weekend, got to see Baby Carrigan which happens to be the most beautiful child ever. And I'm not just saying that, the kid is absolutely gorgeous. My sister and brother-in-law can breed some hotties let me tell you. I hope this next one is a hottie too b/c then I can brag a little more about my extremely good looking family. Oh yea, my sister is pregs - I'm not supposed to tell anyone but I HAVE to tell someone. I'm dying. She only has a week until she's almost done with the first trimester, so I figure I'm safe now blaring it to the interwebs right? I mean this is sorta private and really who reads this ish anyway?

Oh yea, want to know what's fun? When you get into an accident the night you are supposed to drive down to the 757 to spend Labor Day with your family. Yea, cause I did that on Thursday night coming home from work. I T-boned a 17 year old, niiiccceeeee. At least it wasn't my fault. That little shit came barreling through the intersection pushing his 3 series convertible to the limits to, trying beat me through the intersection. The gem of this entire thing, I didn't even know what happened, like seriously had no idea I had even hit a car. All of the sudden there was an airbag in my face, smoke, squealing tires, and broken glass. Kudos to Tom Ford b/c the sunglasses survived the entire ordeal without a scratch. I guess that is what happens when they cost $400 right? At that price they better make it through a little t-bone action. More kudos to RIM and Apple b/c the Blackberry and the iPhone went flying out of the cup holders and they also don't have a scratch. Again, at the price I paid for that iPhone it better effin survive. Oh and I didn't cry, I mean that is seriously impressive for moi. I cry at the drop of a hat, no tears (well not until I got into my house and then I cried in the living room but come on that's not in public and its totally reasonable given that I should have been a lot more hurt than I currently am, which is not hurt at all). Here's a pic of my car - so sad :(

I'm hoping they don't total it and I can just get it fixed b/c homegurl really isn't into car payments. I paid Ina (that is her name, RESPECT IT) off a year ago and its been reeeeel reeeeel nice not having that extra $400 come out of my pocket monthly. So cross your fingers, momma wants to buy a house and not have an added expense on top of that, so send those lucky vibes this direction.

How exciting that this is a 4-day work week huh? Werd. And next week I have a 3-day work week. Rad. I could get used to this, lol. I guess I better get some work done now. Effin PowerPoint just sitting on my screen staring at me waiting to be completed. Sigh, this is my life.

Peace out from the norfwes side of DC.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I'm Too Cute to be Mad At, Aren't I?

Who has two thumbs and likes to drink too much? THIS GIRL. Apparently the pieces I don't remember of Saturday night are not so pretty. I unfortunately (maybe its fortunate b/c if I did I would move to Canada) don't remember what it is exactly I said or for that matter didn't say, but it wasn't a welcome addition to the evening thats for dayum sure. So here I am to apologize to the Coal Miner for being "that girl" on our 3rd date and to own up to all the fabulousness that comes along with hanging out with moi. Let's just say I enjoyed my red wine a bit too much and started talking ridiculous amounts and discussing topics that shouldn't be covered before you've known an individual for at least a year. I honestly have no idea why I said some of the things I apparently said, but at least we got the embarrassing, yet extremely fun and sometime serious, drunk Megan incident out of the way. Good for folks to learn early about this rare occurrence that takes place. At least now its not surprising right? lol I know, it isn't funny and I shouldn't laugh, but I am laughing. I laughed a lot yesterday, I laughed a lot this morning, mostly b/c I don't know how you couldn't laugh at the situation. So Coal Miner I'm sorry to have done that to you, sometimes I suck and I'm drunk, but most of the time I'm the coolest effin chick I know. Forgive me?

Additional Requests for Forgiveness
S&W, sorry for dropping the f bomb in front of you as you are LL's parents, but at least I apologized at the time (or that's what John told me I did). Forgive me?

LL I'm sorry I cussed in front of your parents and drank all of the wine, but I love you and can't wait to see you in Indy. Forgive me?

KH, sorry I tried to steal your mother from you. I promise I'll share her when she adopts me. Forgive me?

Liver, I'm so very sorry I made you process all of that alcohol. Forgive me? [Update: Currently Negotiating]

Self, I'm sorry to have done that to you, I'll be better I promise. Forgive me? [Update: Forgiven]

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Just Having a Private Conversation Mister Officer

Last week is kind of a blur. I'm not sure what happened but I know that it involved a lot of working and me missing Restaurant Week with my favorite ladies at a super yummy place I've never been. Oh well, guess they do pay my bills huh?

First topic of conversation - a friend who hasn't spoken to me in months is upset b/c I made a comment on FB, in return to a comment her ex-husband made on my FB. The pure hilarity of the fact that I even just wrote that sentence is enough to make me laugh for a few days, but I guess I should display some remorse for speaking to her ex-husband, who I used to live with, and was friends with prior to she and I becoming friends. But I mean who is keeping track? Said friend is playing the victim card as she usually does, even though said friend was not planning on inviting me to her upcoming wedding prior to this little incident (I only found this out b/c our mutual friend let me know I didn't make the cut for the guest list). Guess I'm not as good of a friend as we (both parties) believed huh? I know, I know, I should take the high road and call and see what the deal is, but quite honestly its exhausting trying to be friends with people who aren't your friend in return. Imma sit this one out and let it pass.

Next topic - my lack of self control. I'm pretty disappointed in myself as I set out to really prove to that I could and found that alas, I have 0 self control, 0. I mean its kind of ridiculous really, but I guess I am who I am and I need to just embrace that huh? I keep letting other people tell me how I should/n't be, act, progress and really who the hell are they to tell me what's best for me? I could just be acting like a girl, which is probably the case b/c I'm pretty good at that. Cut me some slack, Aunt Flow is coming to visit and we all know us women get a little crazy when Aunt Flow is planning to visit for a few days.

Looking forward to this weekend as: a) its Labor Day which means I have a 5-day weekend, b) I get to see my sister, bro-in-law, and the cutest 18mo old ever, c) I get to see my parents and have Mom's cooking, d) I get to go to the beach, and e)3.5 hours in a car all alone torture myself with soul searching one can only do when one is alone in a car on 95.

Random thought - I decided that I really need to limit my alcohol intake as I'm pretty sure my liver cannot continue at this pace of consumption. I may be dead by 35 if I'm not careful.

Random thought #2 - I watched SATC the movie again today for the 10th time and I cried again for the 10th time, will I ever get sick of that movie?

Okay this post is boring me and probably you. Sorry I don't have any fun stories to tell you. Oh how about this gem - Coal Miner and I got caught by the FFX Police last night "making out" in the car - ahhh being 16 again is so refreshing. And really why do CM and I like to make out in cars so much, its kind of strange, but funny at the same time. We also enjoy parking lots, niccceeee and trashy [I just heard that country song "I like my women just a little on the trashy side...well they were their clothes tight and their hair is dyed. Too much wiskey, too much booze, gets me excited..." in my head when I typed that]

Oh another gem, Under Armour has been texting....why, I have no idea, but at least the texts are extremely humorous.

Peace out baishes.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Take it Back - NEVA!

What I Learned in Ocean Schitty, MD

1. Do not take advice from a drunk woman at the Liquor Store. Even if she says she works in a bar and suggests you "TAKE THE BUS" the beitch is crazy and doesn't know anything about Malt Liquor.
2. Drinking Sparks will most definitely lead to an uncomfortable experience the following day while basking in the sun.
3. When there is a Hurricane off the coast, its probably best to stay the fak out of the water unless you want to be carried away by a rip current and practically lose your bikini bottom.
4. Guidos love OC and are proud to tell you the exact location of where they are from including their neighborhood, family origin, and introduce you to their boys.
5. Wearing a tshirt, jeans and flip flops to a club is completely acceptable and you may even be told multiple times how hot/amazing/beautiful/unbelievable/scrumptious you are.
6. Do not text or look at FaceBook when you get home at 2am. This will lead to drunk texting, drunk FB'ing, and embarrassment in the morning when you re-read your text(s) and post(s) knowing that they are suitable for
7. Lying about your name (and saying its the person's with you) is really not the best idea. Somehow its going to come out that you share the same name and instead of telling the truth you will just laugh in the dude's face.
8. Never give your phone number, but always offer to take someones phone number. Then don't actually store in your phone, just hit end. This is a magical trick.
9. If wondering where you are on the boardwalk do not announce, while mildly intoxicated, out loud "WTF this place SUCKS. Why can't they be like Virginia Beach and having f'ing signs that tell you where the f you are?" b/c then a little 10 year old boy will say to you "not listen in on your conversation, but look up. There's the sign. You're on 7th street." Smart ass kid.
10. If the bartender gives you a free shot that tastes like Dimetapp, don't drink that ish, b/c its only going to hurt you later on in the evening.
11. When someone says "I really think I'm going to throw up", ignore them. They don't really mean that - they just need pizza, bread sticks, and some H2O.
12. Making friends with everyone in the bar is okay and even a lot of fun. However those friendships ends when you hit the front door of that bar/club, there will be no further communication and its just best that way.
13. When asking someone if they "party" and they respond that they love parties, just drop it.
14. White Snake is the best band ever.
15. Henna Tattoos are rad b/c they are only slightly permanent yet allow you to be just trashy enough for one weekend.
16. Piercing your nose is not an option, and your luck it will get infected, so stop asking about it.