Friday, January 15, 2010

A West Virginia Education Part 2....THE Bar

So let's now continue our WV education and talk a little about my experience with the fine folks of West Virginny. Coal Miner's best friend's wife and I decided to have some drinks while the guys were night skiing in -30 degree weather. I had officially bruised my tail bone that day (yes it still pains me to sit at times and doing floor exercises at the gym is comical) and she was just off it and didn't want to be cold again. So we decide on a place called Misty's in the Silver Creek Lodge. Please note that I use that lodge term lightly b/c I have to be honest, I think the Silver Creek Lodge was definitely not as upscale as where we were staying and was obviously a locals hangout, which is fine, but the term lodge indicates fires and wine and views of the slopes. This place did not contain any of said finer things in life, so we decided on Misty's instead of the food court.

We walk into the bar and I immediately realize this is going to be a good time for me and LB (CM's BF's wife). She and I like to people watch, make quick judgements, and exchange made up stories about their lives. Its a good time for all. Anyway, we shimmy over to the bar and order two beers to which the woman screams to the bar tender to fill (mind you the bar tender is about 3 feet away, no need to yell). I luck out and find two seats at the jam-packed bar so we get ourselves situated. We assume this will probably be a half hour adventure. Okay so on my left I have a woman sitting next to me who looks like her dog died this morning. To my right I have a guy who is rooting for ECU in their bowl game and some other people sitting next to him. We are immediately being stared at by all of the folks to my right and the folks tending bar. Now the guy sitting next to the ECU guy is missing his left front tooth and is wearing a shirt that says "Dick University"...oh that's nice, did you go there sir? The chick sitting next to him has obviously taken enough shots for a small country and is slurring her words. I'm almost jealous, almost. The ECU guy just keeps screaming at the TV, but the great part about him is that he ordered a bucket of beers for himself. 12 beers. For himself. Wow, get it done son. Note, there are only 3 left in that bucket and he is bragging to the bar tender how he's "gonna need to get myself another one of those there buckets. Its just like water to me ya know, like WATER!" Awesome. Some lady walks up and slams her empty bucket down and says that she needs two more "of these f*cking buckets Sam!" Oh yea, everyone here knows each other. They all talk to each other using names, so clearly they are friends, or at least bar friends.

Let's get to the good stuff. So Sam, he's the big big bartender, lets me know, via the loudspeaker/microphone contraption, that its UFC night and there will be a $7 cover charge promptly at 9pm. But if I act quickly I can get a discount for being here early, and get to keep my seat (b/c they will kick you out promptly at 9pm if you don't pay) for the bargain price of $6 - wow a whole dollar. Anyway, he then proceeds to shout something else inaudible, I'm just laughing so I don't really know what's being said. And then it happens, this big white nazi red neck muther fucker says to us "You seen my tattoos?" LB and I are confused as to whom he may be speaking so we look around us searching for the counterpart to this conversation. To which the burly nazi red neck man says "What do you think about this?" And pulls down his pants, displaying his big white a$$. Upon said a$$ are red rabbit foot tracks which apparently "lead right down to my asshole with a sign sayin' "Rabbit in the Hole." I'm gonna finish it up with some tracks leading up to my belly button and a sign sayin' "What's Up Doc?"" I have no reply for this. I just sit and stare. And then I smile. And then LB laughs. And then I say. "ohhh well that's nice! that's so funny! you are too funny!" And I smile. And then I drink. I take a nice long swig of my Blue Moon and contemplate what just happened right then and there. Just when I think the night can't get any better, I am shocked by the rapid comedy flung my direction.

The lady sitting next to me, you know the one who is obviously the most miserable person on the planet, well Sam (my new bartender friend and we are now on a first name basis. RESPECT that!) asks her "what's going on honey?" and now, now I will disclose one of the best conversations of the night:

Miserable Woman: You really wanna know?
Sam: Yea!
Miserable Woman: Well I have mastitis.
Sam: Do what?
Miserable Woman: I haven't breast fed in days and my boobs are killing me. And I have this blocked milk duct and I'm in pain ya know. So I'm really just uncomfortable and I need to pump just sucks ya know.
Sam: Oh. Well I think you just need to drink more! Yea, drink more, that'll make you feel better.

Did that conversation really just happen right next me? Why yes it did. LB and I are dying laughing at this point. Like uncontrollable. Who tha fak tells a bartender they have mastitis? What is wrong with you lady? Well this just pushes Sam over the edge and he starts making shots (of which I am, of course, a recipient) of some delightful mixture of Puckr, Jager, and sweet heavens above whatever else he can find behind that bar. LB and I take one sip of the god forsaken concoction and both refuse ingest any further. Much to Sam's dismay I am refusing to take his delightful concoction and he is not pleased.

At this point I hear a stapling sound. I look over and they are covering the windows of the bar with fitted sheets via a stapler. Fitted sheets?!?! I say to Sam "Sam, don't you think it might be easier if you used Flat Sheets instead of Fitted Sheets to cover your windows? And why the hell are you covering the windows?" Sam has no idea what I'm talking about (with regard to the fitted vs flat) and just says "Oh people like to look from the balcony and not pay for shit you know. So we cover the windows so those assholes can't see the fight." Ahh yes, the UFC fight, how quickly I forgot. Sam continues this conversation by tell me this happens all of the time especially during their annual "Hooker Ball." ummmmm....what? I cooly reply "Oh like a fishin' type event?" Sam says "Nah, we do a hooker ball every year. This year's our 35th, big year. People are always trying to see in here at the hookers cuz they are all gussied up ya know. Its reel nice Megan. We have to block off the lobby and stuff, lots of people. Good hookers too." ummmmm.....what? Are we talking about what I think we are talking about right now. B/c if I think we are talking about prostitution I need to get the fak out of this place fast. I just smile and say "oh wow I bet its really great."

I chug the rest of my beer. LB is in the bathroom. Where are the guys, how the hell can snowboarding in -30 weather, on top of a mountain be fun? Please come find me. Rescue me Coal Miner. RESCUE ME. Wait...this is kind of fun. Oh did I mention the lady next to me was wearing a bikini top and snow pants...yep, nice, nice, NIIICCCEEEE. Anyway, LB came back from the bathroom and we decided we had enough at this point. My side was hurting from laughing so much and with the sheets covering the windows I worried CM would never be able to find me and think I left him for a real WV Coal Miner. So we said our goodbyes to our new friends and shimmied on out of that place. Only to spend the next hour recalling all of the events over and over again. Mind you, I left out some of the other fantastic parts like the slot machines in the scary back room with a red door, the tranny waitress, the chick who got a phone call from her dad on the bar phone and Sam announcing it to the entire bar, oh just so many to name. *Le sigh* I miss it already...singing the "Memories" song from Cats in my head right now

Monday, January 4, 2010

A West Virginia Education - Part 1

Yes, you read that correctly. AND its a real sign. I found it posted to a wall at the lodge in Silvercreek while visiting Snowshoe over the NYE holiday. So this was my first experience snowboarding and I must admit, it was colder than hail (try -27 with the wind chill) but I had a freaking blast. I actually got so confident on the board that I offered to go night skiing. This was of course prior to me falling that one last time and starting to cry at the realization that I'm not a professional snowboarder and should perhaps call it a day when your arms begin to shake so badly that you can't actually pull yourself up off of the ground longer. But that's not why were are here today. Today my friends, we are here to discuss my West Virginia experience.

Now we all know I really wanted to go to WVU but my dreams were shot when the lovely folks at the Financial Aid office said they were not willing to help an out-of-state sista out, so say goodbye to that dream Megs unless I wanted to be over $120K in debt leaving undergrad. Yea, not so much. At any rate, that has been my only exposure to WV, and it was for like one fantastically amazing day so it doesn't even count. But this, this was AWESOME. Let's me start this entire thing off by saying that it would be completely impossible for me to complete my entire experience in one blog, so this is going to be discussed in "parts." Hence the reason this is entitled Part 1. Sweet Jezus I really should give you guys more credit shouldn't I? Okay so let me set the scene for you.

Coal Miner and I embark on our 5 hour journey from the 703 to the 304 with me having absolutely no expectations at all of our little snowboarding adventure. Well except the fact that I'm certain I'm going to freeze my size 4 a$$ off. Anyway, we go through Nova with a quickness and start hitting the mountains. Still nothing out of the ordinary. We hit 81, still nothing, then the turnoff happens. We start heading down those country highways. We hit the national forest, which contained several curious signs such as "Green forests are FUN forests"...ummm what? What does that even mean? Okay that's fine, keep driving. "Copper Kettles call 1-304-xxx-xxx"..ummmm okay, I mean what do I need a copper kettle for again? And why is this sign in a national forest? Okay that's fine, keep driving.

We go up the mountain and down the mountain and back again (and I almost puked) and we hit a little railroad town called Cass. THIS my friends is where the fun begins. We turn a corner and we are admiring the old railroad station, the town, and how cute the houses are, and there it is...a big black bear handing by its jugular on a branch in front of someones house (held up by brown rope). I then scream "THERE'S A BEAR HANGING FROM THAT TREE!!!" It was real. A real black bear. And there was a pool of blood below it in the snow. Never seen anything like it before in my life. I mean who kills bears, and prepares them for gutting in their front yard on the side of a hill in full view of every single person coming from VA to Snowshoe, WV?!!? Oh that's right, THIS GUY DOES! Unbelievable. Took me a good 10 minutes to recover from this sight. I'm pretty sure I said "Oh My God, there was a bear hanging from the tree. Did you see that? I mean did you see that?" about 15 times to CM. And I couldn't possibly not tell CM's best friend and wife when they arrived. If I recall it was like the 5th thing I said to them after "Yay you are here!! We were getting worried." and "How was the drive?" and "Yea we don't have any cell reception either." then "DID YOU SEE THAT BEAR HANGING FROM ITS JUGULAR...with the POOL OF BLOOD in the snow? DID YOU? OMG, DID YOU? I mean it was a bear and it was dead." Yea, that's how my mind works. CM was not phased by this in the least bit. He was like "Baby, its West Virginia, and people eat bears. " then he laughed. Yes, now its funny at the time just straight up shocking.

Okay next topic, front porches and outhouses. Apparently in West Virginia its completely okay to have leather recliners, couches, refrigerators, old washing machines, and your clothes line on your front porch. The most confusing part to me was the clothesline. I don't know if you knew this folks, but it was like 10 degrees outside. I'm fairly certain your clothes are going to freeze, not dry. But maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I don't know the ways of the clothesline, but I consider myself a pretty smart chick. One house we passed had over 6 pairs of jeans hanging up. Jeans are the HARDEST items of clothing to get dry, even in the dryer, so tell me how exactly they are going to get dry in sub zero temps? Hell, maybe I need to look into this!! I might be able to save myself some cash on the power bill.

Oh and did you know people in WV still have outhouses. Yes, YES, I saw several of them. I genuinely asked CM in a very cute voice "What's with all of these shacks outside of people's houses? Do they hold wood or something?" To which he replies "Those are outhouses baby." DOOOO WHAAATTTT????? You mean people still tinkle outside? Sweet Jezus in the morning. So anyway, this is just the beginning folks, stay tuned for Part 2...I promise it will be a doozey.

UPDATE: LOOK WHAT I FOUND!!! I love that my friends find the same things amusing and take pics. LOVES IT!!!

The house with the Jeans!