Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Awards, Who? Me?!?! TAG THAT A$$!!

So Amber over at Everybody's Working for the Weekend tagged me a few days back (sorry about the delay I've been busy getting busy with the Coal Miner) with these two "awards" of sorts.  Amber is one of the funniest bitches I've never met, and I think its pretty rad that she would tag me to either a) entertain her or b)she couldn't think of anyone else and just picked me.  Either way I'm super stoked b/c I've never won a blog award and I just tinkled myself a little b/c I got so excited at the idea.  At any rate here are my awards and they entail some serious thought and consideration (which honestly Amber can you not make me think while I'm at work please?!?!):

Kreative Blogger Award:  I'm supposed to list 7-10 facts about me then pass the “Kreativ Blogger’ award on to other favorite bloggers of mine.  I hope I don't fug this up and tag someone who's already been tagged, which I probably will.  Anyway, here goes nothing.

1.  I've never been skiing, snowboard, etc.  I've basically never done any sport that involves snow.  Want to know why?  Its b/c I hate being cold.  Specifically I hate being cold and wet at the same time.  I also like to always be able to feel my fingers and toes and not feel like an amputee, so I gracefully decline each time I'm asked to go on some sort of snow adventure.  *please note I'm supposed to go skiing with Coal Miner this "season", pray for me

2.  I've never been camping.  Like real camping people.  I mean my grandparents had this awesome camper, but I don't think that counts.  Want to know why?  B/c I like to take showers, like 2 - 3 a day.  I also have this thing with washing my face.  I have oily skin, I need to wash it so shut your face.  Also, I hate bugs, peeing/crapping in a hole, and sleeping on dirt.  *please note I'm supposed to go camping with Coal Miner, pray for me

3.  I drink at least a gallon of water a day.  I'm addicted.  I honestly start to get angry and jittery when I don't have a glass of water in front of me.  I can also instantly begin to feel a UTI coming on when I don't have my water.  I add nothing to my water, just ice, but I LOVE my water.  Oh and some days I get sick of water so I'll buy a Coke or something and then I'll immediately chug a water b/c its so dayum sugary.

4.  I don't drink caffeinated anything. I went on this detox a few years back and haven't drank caffeine on a regular basis since then. I swear to the heavens above if you do this detox you will understand how evil caffeine actually is to your body. I thought my brain was going to fly out of my forehead the first day when I was withdrawing from caffeine like a fugging crack head. Awful. You can read about the whole freaking ordeal here, if you have any interest. I'd totally do it again, I'm not going to lie.

5.  Every time someone talks, I hear a song that corresponds with some word/phrase that was in a sentence they have said to me.  I spend my entire day singing songs in my head based on what someone said and/or I overheard.  To clarify, its mostly due to the fact that a phrase/word they say is actually in a song that I know most of the lyrics.  Its important to note that I pretty much know the lyrics to every song ever made.

6.  I was a pageant queen. Yea hold in your vomit. I loved it. I have no secrets here on this blog, I loved the stage. I loved the hair, the makeup, the dresses, the talent, the questions. I love the limelight and by God I got it from my pageants. I'm pretty certain that's why I became a cheerleader. Not only because I have awesome legs and the shorter the skirt the better, but b/c I love being the center of attention (maybe I need therapy, nah, fug it I'm just an attention whore).

7.  I secretly love the fact that I'm the last child in my family.  Don't get me wrong, it was hard teaching my parents all those lessons about bad kids and what they really do on Friday nights, but I think I got the best deal out of that scenario.  I had my parents all to myself for 4 full years.  It was kind of awesome.  I became best friends with my mother and father, and I swear we have this awesome bond that neither sister can compete.  Guess it isn't really a secret anymore, but I'm pretty sure they knew that anyway.

On to my next award (I say with a sassy little grin)...

Over the Top! Award: 

Rules for the Over the Top! Award say that I can only use one word to describe a series of questions I'm given.  Then I have to tag 6 other bloggers (but I don't know that many...dilemma..hmmm) to do the same.  Okay let's do this sh!t, oooo ooooooooooo.

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2.Your hair? Long
3. Your mother? Hysterical
4. Your father? Loving
5. Your favorite food? Seafood
6. Your dream last night? Weird
7. Your favorite drink? H2O
8. Your dream/goal? Balance
9. What room are you in? 4000W
10. Your hobby? Wine
11. Your fear? Saggy
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Successful
13. Where were you last night? Maggianos
14. Something that you aren’t? Sad
15. Muffins? Tops
16. Wish list item? Lottery
17. Where did you grow up? Beach
18. Last thing you did? Tinkled
19. What are you wearing? Clothes
20. Your TV? Small
21. Your pets? Deceased
22. Friends? Yes
23. Your life? Rad
24. Your mood? Excited
25. Missing someone? CM
26. Vehicle? Infiniti
27. Something you’re not wearing? Panties *kidding*
28. Your favorite store? Saxs
29. Your favorite color? Bright
30. When was the last time you laughed? Now
31. Last time you cried? Weeks
32. Your best friend? Sister
33. One place that I go to over and over? Home
34. One person who emails me regularly? CM
35. Favorite place to eat? Zatinya
So I know I'm supposed to nominate someone, but if I were going to nominate anyone it would be Candice, or Amber, or Sassy, or Crystal and they've all aready done this jank.  I need to expand my blogsphere huh?  But these ladies entertain me on the reg, so I feel like I don't need to expand my blogsphere just yet, lol.
Got any suggestions for more regular reading on my part, send 'em my way.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I'm Cracking the Code

So yesterday I get a text from Under Armor asking me to go see a movie.  Ummm, its been July since our last date.  The infamous date in which he hit it and quit it.  So why, please someone tell me why, would he text me and ask me (okay yes I already see that the text is the first problem, pick up a phone dude) to go on a date this week?  I decide to tell Coal Miner about this little incident b/c we have absolutely no secrets and he let's me know why this has happened.  The conversation goes a little something like this:

Me:  So this guy from Match texted me and asked me to go out on a date to the movies this week.  Unbelievable... *long pause*
Coal Miner:  Oh really?  When's the last time you went out with him? (very suave CM, I see you trying to figure out if I was double-dipping).
Me:  I don't know!  Dude I haven't been out with him since July. *I'm yelling*
CM:  Did you hook up with him?
Me: Yea
CM:  On the first date
Me:  No! *said with disgust*  You know me, I don't do that on the first date!!!  It was like the second date.
CM:  Oh, well then he's just stacking his weekend up.
Me:  Excuse me?
CM:  Yea he was probably banging you and a few other chicks and he thinks his sure bet is gonna fall through this weekend so he's trying to get you scheduled.  I used to do it all the time. *said with no emotion at all*
Me:  You used to participate in this behavior?
CM:  F*ck yea! *said with gusto*
Me:  Nice *said with a slight tinge of sarcasm*
CM:  Listen baby, it goes like this.  As a dude you aren't really ready to settle down, but you may/may not like some of the chicks you are banging.  So you keep them around until you are ready or until you need to get laid.  I used to do it all the time.
Me: Mmmmm hmmmm *said all ghetto*
CM:  That is until I met you of course.
Me:  Oh cut the bullshit.  I can't believe this.  You guys are assholes. *said very adamant like*
CM:  Yea, but it works. *again, no emotion*
Me:  I thought he wanted to be friends with me.  I mean I thought he liked me, b/c I'm cool, and fun to hang out with, and I can drink ya know.
CM:  Yea, he didn't.  He was planning on banging you again.  No dude ever wants to be friends with a chick they were banging at one time.  Hey was this the "hit it and quit it" guy? *so inquisitive*
Me:  Ummm, yea.  Anyway, next topic.
CM:  Sloot, my baby is a sloot.
Me:  F*ck you, how many people have you slept with again?
CM:  Whatever *laughing*
Me: Richard *not laughing*

So apparently Under Armor never even liked me as a friend. He just wanted a piece of my sweet pie again.   I mean yea I know he's mentioned that previously in texts (like only a few 100 times) and I've just ignored it and seen him as flirting. But homeboy seriously has no interest in being my friend?!?!?! Why wouldn't you want to be friends with me if I never plan to do you again? I'm the raddest chick I know. His loss and CM's gain. B/c let's be real folks...DoubleM is severely falling in love with CM *le sigh* God he's hot, and smart, and sweet, and loving, and wonderful. Okay enough bragging about my amazing boyfriend. Just thought I would share with you some of the "lovey" thoughts I've been having as opposed to the "F this!" thoughts I usually have.

Peace out from the norfwes side of DC.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Today Is Making Me Laugh

Okay I don't have the day off today to celebrate Christopher Columbus brining slavery into the US and basically leveling the Native American population, so I'm kind of bitter and fighting back by not doing work and scanning the internet instead.  I was reading and stumbled upon this:

LOL - The lost balls of Loch Ness huh?  What if Nessy is a chick CNN, what then?

Seriously though - who was in charge of publishing today?  B/c really, reaaaalllyyy you didn't think anything when you published this?  I call bs on that.  Needless to say, it kind of made my day. :)

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Am Not! Are Too! Am Not!

Apparently I shouldn't be blogging at work. Actually this is just what my mother says and my mother has said some other truly ridiculous things throughout my life so I can't say that I am really going to listen to her on this front either. Like for instance my mother used to tell me that I couldn't possibly leave the house without my lipstick applied. To this day I do not wear lipstick. I wear lip gloss, but not lipstick. My mother on the other hand wears this bright ass pink lipstick. Like I swear she's competing with Gwen Stefani in a lip stain tournament You can see her lips coming from like a mile away. Its horrid. I've tried to get her to change it but she swears "the lady at the Lancôme counter said this was the best color for me!" I always follow that up with "Mother have you seen the ladies' makeup at the Lancôme counter? I'm certain they take tips from the ladies who have a "night job" (using my air quotes) on 16th street." She proceeds to tells me I very wrong, how the color is perfect for her, and continues applying copious amounts of that fugly color to her very small and thin lips. SMH.

I've never really understood this whole "never leave home without lipstick on" statement anyway b/c if I'm not wearing lipstick and I meet say a hot guy or a top modeling agency who wants to book me immediately (please keep in mind that I'm 5'4) is the fact that I'm not wearing lipstick really going to deter either or these people from glancing in my direction? I think I'm pretty hot without lipstick on and honestly I feel like an old granny when I wear it, mostly b/c I'm not really good at picking colors for myself and I hate lip liner and I used to wear it when I was go-go dancing (no, not like stripping, I was one of those chicks at the club who dances on boxes...did your nipples just get hard? I thought so). So yea, lipstick, not my thing.

You know another thing my mother used to say? She used to tell me that it was completely acceptable to date 5 - 6 men at a time. Ummm Mom, are you trying to make me a slut? I mean I think I got the slut thing down on my own without my mother's influence, but still, come on lady! I used to tell her that it was too stressful and I couldn't possibly keep all of the conversations (let alone hookups (no, I did not share this with her)) straight. But she is such a nag. She would totally be disappointed when I would be exclusive with someone. I still think she finds its ridiculous I'm only dating one guy. I mean at some point I need to get married right? Dating multiple men isn't going to help me on that front Mother. I'll just get used to getting laid by all walks of life and possibly get attached to one in particular who will have a larger than life member and will probably be less than fantastic for me.  Oh wait that's right, I already did that, and he was married.  NICE.  But just for the record, I didn't know that he was married.  He lied, and his wife was living in Canada.  I mean how the hell was I supposed to know he was married?  He didn't wear a ring, he had no pictures up in his house, I spent 3+ months with this dude, at his house, really who the hell could of known that?  Which by the way totally pisses me off b/c that makes me a "home wrecker" and I didn't even set out to be one.  Great, I just got disgusted with myself all over again and it isn't even my fault.  Whoa tangent! Back on track Megan, back on track please.

Anyway, moral of this little line my mother used to feed me is that I'm not a good "playa". I like being with one person, so my mother needs to slow her roll. However she seems to be really excited about Coal Miner, which is good b/c he is like the sweetest effing guy ever, and he's kind of dreamy, and I'm totally gey for him, and really enjoying our extracurricular activities if you know what I mean *wink wink*.

Oh and check this out, here's another new one she's come up with "You have to try the bike out before you buy it." WHOA SHIRLEY (that's my mother's name and I occasionally, okay most of the time, call her by her first name)!!! I think Shirley has started to realize that I won't be a happy girl unless I've tried out the goods prior to marrying said goods. She is really starting to get with the program in her older and wiser years. Before it was all "Megan, why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?" and "Megan, I can't believe you!" or "Megan, I don't need to know about your little sexual escapades." But now, now I think she secretly wants to know. Its become blatantly obvious over the past two years that my mother lives vicariously through me. Secretly, I love this and hate this at the same time. Like she hints around to whether or not Coal Miner stays the night or asks me what we did after the movie. I mean what am I supposed to say? "Well Shirley, Coal Miner and I came home from the movies and he smacked my ass 14 ways sideways." No, I don't think so Shirley. My mother is cool, but she isn't that cool. And she will just use this as ammo against me - of that I am certain. So I coolly say things like "Oh nothing." HA, take that Shirley!  I might be getting some but you'll never know.  You'll neevvvaaa knnnooowww *said in my best theatrical voice possible*

This is random, I'm going back to work.  If my boss asks, I've been doing data collection and web design for the past 30 minutes.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Nah, I Think Its Great You Still Have a 10 Year Old Phone

This morning while driving to work I realized that I loathe people who talk on their cell phones and drive at the same time.  Actually, let me clarify, its the ones who hold their Motorola Razr up to their ear b/c they still don't have a headset.  I guess that one that came with the phone just doesn't really cut it and holding the phone up to their ear is muuuuch easier.  So, here comes my road rage in a list of rules you may want to follow if my vehicle is within a 500 ft radius of your vehicle. 

A)  That Cool Little Lever on the Left is a Turn Signal, USE IT - Driver's Ed was many many moons ago for most of us. However I think we would all benefit from using that nifty turn signal to signify when we are *gasp* changing lanes or *gasp* making a turn. See, this nifty device is used to let people know that you need to get over, or you would like to get over, or perhaps you are going to make a turn. I know it can be hard to remember all the things you have to do while driving, but I feel like this one could be pretty easy to slip back into your regimen.

B)  Your Welcome A$$hole - If I let you over, you better stick your hand up to signal thank you. Hell you could even stick it out the window or your sunroof to let me know you are thankful that after sitting in traffic for one hour I decided to let you and your sh*tty car in front of me. I didn't have to do that, but out of the kindness of my heart I know what's its like to just sit and wait, so in turn I decided to let you get in front of me. SO THANK ME YOU PRICK.

C)  My Turn Signal is NOT a Signal for You to Drive Faster - Hey Douchebag in the Honda with the piece of sh*t muffler causing excess noise and gases to seep into our very thin ozone layer - yea you.  I put my turn signal on b/c I needed to get out of this exit lane and merge over.  That wasn't a signal for you to speed up your little rice burner and box me out so I have to come to a complete stop and cause traffic.  Let me in Richard.  And by the way, my car can smoke yours, so don't test me.  I'm just trying to save gas b/c I'm a cheap ass.

D)  Merge Lanes Were Created to Merge, Not Stop - I know this can be a hard concept to grasp, but merge lanes are really very easy to understand.  You use them so you can merge into oncoming traffic.  See, if you stop in the merge lane you cause traffic to build-up on the on-ramp, therefore causing traffic to build-up on the main road, so please, be a lamb and put your foot on the accelerator.

E)  I Really Can't Hear You When You are Yelling at Me With the Windows Rolled Up - Apparently I did something to piss you off a mile back or even like 10 seconds ago.  But when you are yelling at me through the windows I find it very hard to understand what you are saying and comprehend what I could have possibly done to cause you to be soooo angry with me.  Honestly this just makes me laugh and wave at you b/c I find you amusing.  I'm sorry I did whatever it is I did, but you have road rage and you should see someone about that.  Toodles!

F) Yield to Traffic in the Circle - Roundabouts are European, I get it, you aren't from Europe. But for Lawrd's sake, there are flipping signs everywhere telling you to yield to traffic in the circle. Do you really not get what that means? Its means the people currently traveling in the circle have the right-of-way. Understand now?

G)  A Fire Truck / Ambulance is Coming, Get OUT OF THE WAY - I hope when you are either in an accident or being escorted to the hospital people like you are ALL OVER the road. See people like you think you are so important and where/what you need to do trumps that Fire truck/Ambulance coming in behind you. Keep that in mind when you are sitting around waiting for someone to save your life and some a$$hole just like you wouldn't get the f*ck out of the way for the fire truck/ambulance, so you end up suffering a little longer. Its simple folks, move to the right, or move anywhere that gets out of the way of that big hunk of steel on the way to save someone's life. Its the least you can do during so karma doesn't rip you a new one.

H)  I'm Not Impressed With Your Rims or Your Tint Job - You probably spent a lot of money on your rims and your tint job, but I still need you to drive the speed limit.  Cruising in front of me at 25 when the speed limit is 40 only tells me that you have a small penis or absolutely no money in your bank account.  And just a little word of advice - if someone is impressed with your rims/tint job, you should run for the hills b/c I'm certain that person will bring you nothing but bills, more bills, and drama.  Or they'll shoot you b/c they want your rims/tint job.

I)  Riding My Tail Won't Get You There Any Faster - However it will cause you to ruin both my bumper and yours if you get nailed from behind.  So back the eff up.  I promise that extra foot of space isn't going anywhere in the next 10 miles.  We'll all get there, just chill out.

J)  Please Don't Make Me Listen to Your Music - Didn't your mother teach you anything?  The level of that bass and treble are going to bust out your ear drums.  You'll be deaf by 50.  Do us both a favor, save our ears, and our sanity, turn that down.  Mostly just the bass b/c yea that was cool back when I was 16, but now I don't like to feel the bass in my chest b/c it makes me afraid I'm having a heart attack and I'm too young to die. 

Friday, October 2, 2009

Moldy Peppers...WAIT A MINUTE!

So my mother sends my sister's and me this email about 10 minutes ago.  I'm dying laughing.  Not only is this shit haaalareous, but its hard to believe it happens in real life. If you knew my mother, the sound of her voice, and the sound of her awesome laughter, that would make this email even better.  I kid you not my sisters and I are dying right now.  Also please note my mother's connection to the peppers and the individual, so f'ing funny.


From: My Mother

Sent: Friday, October 02, 2009 4:17 PM

To: Me & My Sisters

Subject: Interpretation - please

Today we had a salesman come in for one of the local Latino newspapers. He was rather a strange person. [Coworker] and I spoke to him for about a ½ hour where he was trying to convince us to buy an ad in his paper. He finally says that he has something for us and proceeds to pull a baggie out of his shirt pocket. I could see that the contents were red and thought it might be a key chain or something different. It was different all right – he pulls out dried red peppers which he says are from his garden and he wants to share them with us. He didn’t even have a new baggie to put them in – just shakes the four dried things onto the table. [Coworker] noticed that one was old and had mold on it. He then started talking about growing string beans and corn on the cob. He said he loved growing things because he really liked watching the growth process and how the bugs interact with the plants. He later went into great detail about his 9 foot corn stalk and how silky the four ears of corn were. I think he finally ended the conversation with saying it didn’t take much to turn him on. That’s when [Coworker] decided she had had enough and ended the conversation.

So, we are asking the questions, “who comes into an office and gives someone dried red peppers one of which is moldy?” We understand the Latino connection with salsa, etc. However, this just seems way too bizarre. We have laughed about it all afternoon. However, I am so glad we at least have two men working in the office with us. Are we just being paranoid? Mom