Tuesday, January 25, 2011

What Would You Do If You Saw Me on Intervention?

Last night Coal Miner and I were watching Intervention b/c its the best reality show on television, hands down. But anyway, we're sitting on the couch, watching the show and wincing at every hit this woman takes from her crack pipe. I swear to the heavens above, and my friends agree, this show teaches you exactly what not to do as a parent. Should you be on the lookout for a parent's manual, you could instead just watch 16 and Pregnant (look to the parents not the knocked up girls), Intervention, and Teen Mom. I'm absolutely certain you'll have a fairly good idea what NOT to do as a parent. I mean the ridiculous "woe is me" stories that come out of these people's mouths is just beyond me most episodes. Honestly did you really think that smoking crack for 30 years, while you were pregnant, wasn't going to affect your children. You are surprised they want to kill themselves? Jesus lady, catch a clue.

Anyway, that isn't the point of this post. The point of this post is that I can almost relate to these people. No I have never smoked crack, nor have I been addicted to anything, besides my Gucci bag, so calm down peeps. I just find that like 90% of the people who are completely eff'd in the head have been abused as children. Did you notice that as well? Believe me I realize that children who have been abused are traditionally not going to make it very far in life. Its a fact people, read a sociology book. Back to the point Megan, back to the point, FOCUS.

Okay so if you didn't know, and most people do, when I was in middle school my friend's father exposed himself to me. I should have known it was coming. He would always make inappropriate comments about my shorts, graze his hand on my butt, rub my thigh, just an uncomfortable situation all around. I thought I was imagining it until another friend of mine mentioned she thought he was creepy. I agreed with her, but we didn't talk much about it. One night I was over there with a group of my girlfriends (I thought I was safe in numbers, boy was I wrong) and he started drinking. He allowed us to drink a little and then he started in with his weird comments about my short shorts and nice legs. I went to use the restroom (hall bathroom) and he had just gotten out of the shower (I heard the water stop). He called me into his room. I told him I would wait in the hallway and asked him if he needed something or needed me to get him something. He told me that he just wanted to show me something special. I told him I was more than happy hanging out in the hallway and he could show me later. I could hear his voice getting closer so I started down the hallway. He called my name out from his bedroom door. I was halfway down the hallway and I turned around. BAM there he was, opening his robe and showing me his wang. Seriously dude? Seriously? I'm 12. I whip my body around, scurry into the kitchen with everyone else, and then beg my friends to call their mom to come and pick us up. She does call her, she's coming, I'm safe. I thought. I tell my girlfriends on the way home what happened. They can't believe it until one of them says "he did it to me too." I thought she was kidding, she wasn't. So then the parents found out. I was interviewed in Middle School by social services and the Virginia Beach police department. They asked me if he was hard. I didn't even know what that meant. I had no idea if he was excited or not. Let me remind everyone, I'm 12, I've never even kissed anyone before.

Anyway, the point is, this was seriously traumatic for me. I blocked it out of my memory for years. I went to court, he was let go (and later arrested and put in jail for extortion...ahhh karma is a bitch isn't it?), I was damaged. Damaged for a very very long time. I ruined this girl's life. I ruined her family. It was my fault, I could have prevented it. I should have stopped going over there. I shouldn't have told anyone. I created a huge mess. Why me? Why then?

So, I had sex too young. I drank too young. I smoked weed too young. I was on a war path and no one could stop me. Not my parents, not my friends, not anyone. I wasn't bad. If you ask my friends I was just like all of them. I just wasn't me. I look back now and think I wouldn't have been as "bad" if that hadn't happened. Maybe I'm looking for an excuse for my behavior. But I really think things, think I would have been different.

So you can see why maybe I relate. I didn't turn to a life of drugs or tricking myself out. But I did blame myself. Even though I finally realized, much later in life, it wasn't my fault. He was creep. He was pedophile. And if given the opportunity he would have tried to hurt me. I was a child. How can you do that to a 12 year old girl? What a fucker. However I realize it could have been A LOT worse. I thank God for giving me enough sense to haul ass down that hallway and never look back. But I can't knock these people for their addictions if they have a demon from much earlier in life. You don't admit it until much later. You never talk to anyone about it until its too late. And believe me, no one believes you at the time. So if they are looking for something to mask those memories, who am I to judge?

People say it all the time, but I believe it to be true - be careful when you judge, you never know what someone else is going through. Keep that in mind folks. Keep that in mind.

As a side note - Coal Miner just said to me "Man...I'm glad you're over that and not afraid of my wang. That would suck." He's so dreamy isn't he?!?! *laughing*

Monday, January 24, 2011

I am the CEO of Myself

Coal Miner and I went snowboarding this weekend in Canaan. We drove through a snowstorm to get there at 2:00am. That was super fabulous and we drove through some seriously creepy WV towns, which always makes me giddy. We slept in a double-bed together, we spent all days on the slopes, it was snowing, it was lovely. We spent time with his parents, one-on-one, we ate, we drank, we laughed, we seriously enjoyed each others' company. But during the long weekend I had some serious conversations internally, as well as with Coal Miner and his family. And now the background on the serious discussions. On Friday morning my blackberry started ringing, at 7:50am. It continued throughout the day. Mind you, I didn't answer the phone, and I only read 50 emails, at 9am, and then didn't pick it up again. I had an out of office on, and I also sent an email out prior to my departure on Thursday evening that I would not be in the office on Friday. I provided individuals to contact in case of emergency and let everyone know I would be back on Monday.

Before I left on Thursday my director said to me, and I quote "You can't leave! What are we supposed to do? Do you think everything will be okay? I can't believe I accepted your vacation request!!" Those exclamation points are not an exaggeration. I laughed, b/c that's funny right? The sad thing is, she was serious. The voice mail from Friday morning said, and I quote "I saw that you were out of office. But I'm going to need you to call me asap and handle my questions I've posed in the email I sent you." The next one, from later in the morning said "I saw you were out of office, but I thought you could give me a call and we could discuss the communication plan in more detail before close of business today." There are more emails/phone calls stating the same type of "urgent, urgent, stop what you are doing" message.

After I read my 50 emails I was in a terrible mood. As usual, the content of those emails caused my blood to boil. Coal Miner noticed my mood. He was frustrated with both me and with the fact that the paycheck place can't seem to operate efficiently unless I'm involved. I was almost afraid he was going to storm out if I answered the phone or I looked at my phone one more time that morning.

At dinner I told Coal Miner's dad about the incident. He sat perplexed and pondered my situation. He's such a knowledgeable and accomplished man whom I respect and look to for guidance on my career. He told me that as President of his company he expects people to call him and for him to be accountable. But for me, he doesn't quite get it. I don't either. I'm not the CEO, hell I'm not even a Director. Its a great problem to have, I know that and perhaps I shouldn't complain. I know everyone is probably sick of reading these posts, and sick of hearing about my job and all of the annoyance that is part of my daily life. So you'll be happy to read my next sentence. I made a decision that if everything works out the way I'm hoping, I'm cutting myself lose from the paycheck place.

Its not going to get any better. There is never a good time to leave your job. I'm always going to be giving up some form of compensation no matter when I leave. So why not seize the opportunity in front of you. Find a new niche. Get in a new company. Find your inner piece. I decided since I wasn't the CEO of the Paycheck Place and couldn't solve any of their problems, I would be the CEO of Me. And with that new distinction I'm making my first big decision...I'm leaving.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Like Sands Through The Hour Glass...

I made the mistake of signing up for this wedding website. Who am I fooling I signed up for like three. Anyway, I was excited, I just got engaged, I wanted to grab the bull by the horns. Little did I know that these online tools would drive me to insanity. No one warned me not to sign up for these "helpful online solutions" (yea it actually said that) b/c they are in fact not helpful in the least. They are stressful as shit. I don't know if you've used these little gems (TheKnot.com, WeddingDay.com, etc) but those assholes do a daily/weekly/monthly countdown of where you are and how far behind schedule you are currently running. I shit you not, the day I signed up for TheKnot.com I was 96 tasks behind schedule. How the f is that even possible? I mean at that point I hadn't even set my wedding date yet. Literally that thing sent me an email every single day adding another task to my overdue list, creating one small heart palpitation at a time.

I decided I by no means needed a daily reminder, so I changed it to weekly, that should help right? WRONG BITCH! It only made it worse. So instead of one a time, they were added 7 at a time. Sweet jezus in the morning. I abandoned ship. I went to WeddingDay.com. I figured they couldn't be as bad as TheKnot.com b/c they were run by David's Bridal. And lets speak on the real here, David's is a little ghetto. So my boushie ass thought if I went a little ghetto I wouldn't be so high strung. WRONG AGAIN! If this thing sends me another email telling me how behind schedule I am and how little time I have until my wedding ("Megan, there are only 9 months, 1 week, and 1 day until your wedding!" <-- got that this morning) I will definitely become bridezilla.

I'm a project manager for Christ's sake. I'm one of the most organized people I know. And on the mornings I get those effing emails I literally scream at my iPhone "BITCH! You don't know my life!" I then start to panic that I'm never going to have enough time to plan my wedding. I call Coal Miner and whimper about my "extremely busy life" and mumble something about "not enough time, not enough time". Then I sigh loudly. He consoles me, tells me to calm down, explains I still have 9 months, 1 week, and 1 day until the wedding. I feel better. I hang up, then I get another email from another one of those sites and the evil cycle starts again. EFFFF YOOOUUUU WEDDING SITE!

Okay I'm done now. Moral of the story: should you happen to be getting married anytime soon DON'T SIGN UP FOR ANYTHING. Beeeleeee me, your life will be better off (not to mention your sanity and your fiance).

Monday, January 3, 2011

Resolve to This Betch

Its that time of year kids. Time to make some resolutions for the new year that you most likely won't stick to, or even remember a month from now, unless you are ME and you have the memory of an elephant (or b/c you blog about it and will NEVER be able to forget as its in writing). So let the games begin for 2011. Please also remember this is the year of my wedding. So I may have to add a few, and/or remove a few, at my leisure b/c this is my blog, my list, and I can do what I want with it.

1. Call my grandmother more. She's getting up there in years and when I left her on the day after Christmas she cried. She never cries. This, to me, was not a good sign. So I'm making sure I give her a call more regularly.

2. Use another word other than f*ck. Yea I know I've said this before, shut the eff up, I'm trying! Jeeze, cut me a break.

3. Renew my gym membership. Probably not at the ole Sport & Health since its a bazillion dollars to hang out in the locker room with old foreign ladies with saggy ta-tas, but maybe at the new Lifetime down the road from us. That place looks chronic! And no, I'm not going to follow this with lose weight, I just need to get back into the gym routine. *aren't you impressed with the non-cliche'ical manner of this resolution?!?!?

4. Run a 1/2 marathon. Ain't no interest in running 26.2 miles. 13.1 miles, piece of cake. Signing-up this week. FACT.

5. Use all of my vacation time. This needs no explanation.

6. Get married. Too easy. HAD to do it. *laughing*

7. Be a better friend/daughter/fiance. I get a little caught up in my world and forget to reach out to my favorite people in the world on a daily/every other day basis. I'm going to try harder lovies.

8. Blog more, bitch less. I just puked a little, so cliche.

9. Buy more lottery tickets when the jackpot is HUGEMONGOUS. Please tell me you know why I need to do said resolution.
10. Less email/text, more phone/voice. I love email/texting, I hate actually speaking over the phone. Those of you who know me, know this. I'll try but I'm not promising a thing. *duly noted*

11. Less ME, more you. Ahhh yes I can totally talk about me for days. Maybe I should talk a little less about me and more about you. Sorry 'bout that if it was happening as much as I think it might have been happening. SMDH.

12. Enjoy planning my wedding. I don't need to stress about it, I need to savor every moment. I must, must, make sure I do as its going to fly by.

13. Live in the moment. I'm a planner, perhaps I could do one or two unplanned things this year?!?! :) *cliche, I'm puking again*

14. Make a bucket list of 100 things I want to do before I'm 50. Soooo much fun, must do.

15. Get outta town. No but like by get outta town I mean leave the country. I haven't left in over a year and I'm getting an itch to bust a move.

....I'm sure I'll be adding more. So many things to do, so little time.