Thursday, April 14, 2011

Secret Lovers

I have a secret lover. Yes, its true. Don't you worry your pretty little heads, Coal Miner knows all about it. He's not happy about it, but there really isn't anything he can do. Our affair started long before I met him, and I have no plans to discontinue the relationship. I just can't stop. Its too addicting. Its too exciting. Put those two things together, and you basically can't compete. I've apologized to Coal Miner, but I don't even know that he cares anymore. You can't even compare the two really. I mean there's history there. We've been through a lot together. I just remember that feeling I got when I opened that first package I received at the beginning of our relationship. The joy of walking up to my door, seeing the package there, knowing who it was from. The anticipation, the heart just can't be matched. The feelings that rush over me...Coal Miner just can't give me that, he just can't. I can't give up my catalogs. I love my catalogs. They bring me immense joy.

Listen (this is mostly for Coal Miner), I know they clog our mailbox. I realize there are about 50+ of them lying around the house right now. But they are my guilty pleasure. Even the mailman knows I need them. I love looking through them, finding new cool stuff. I sure as shit love ordering from them. Honestly look at all of the cute clothes I get from Victoria's Secret, you cannot deny me that, can you? I'm like a giddy little school girl when I see the packages at the front door. Its soooo exciting. And I find all these cool home decor things that no one would have ever thought of, right? Think of our curtains, where did I find those? Not in a store, nope I couldn't find them for months. Until one day, that sweet sweet Z Gallerie catalog arrived. 6 months I waited to find the perfect curtains, and there they were!! So yea, I love them. I mean I really love my catalogs. My heart beats a little faster when I see the mailbox stuffed to the brim with them. Yea yea I get it, sometimes its hard to get the mailbox open with the key because the catalogs are blocking the lock. But that's the price you have to pay for finding delightful treasures in catalogs. How could anyone deny me that pleasure? HOW?

So that's that. I'm not giving them up. I love them. They love me. The mailman stays gainfully employed. I stay happy. I contribute to the economy. Really, this is a win-win situation for everyone don't you think? I love you catalogs. You are my fave.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

My Frog Loves Your Ladybug

I went to a very small college in Southern Virginia. Its actually a university now, but that's neither here nor there, its a college in my mind. Always has been, always will be. Did you know they changed it to "Small University" my senior year and actually provided you the choice to have a diploma with either "Small College" or "Small University", or both, listed? Bizarre if you ask me. I didn't go to a University for four years, I went to a college. Why in the world would I change that now? I guess some ahole thought it would make them feel like they had a bigger pair if they went to a University as opposed to a College, but I just feel like it was a tad misleading and perhaps a little fraudulent that calendar year. Anyhoo, that wasn't supposed to be the subject matter of said post. I wanted to inform everyone from my small college that we aren't in college anymore. Mostly I'm talking to you sorority girls out there.

See at my small college if you weren't in a sorority or fraternity, you weren't getting into parties (unless someone like me snuck you in), you probably weren't going to have a ton of friends (so not true), you probably weren't cool (again, not true you were probably cooler), and you definitely had like an 11th toe or a third eye and some sort of fungal growth. This was the general consensus from the Greeks regarding individuals who decided to go the non-greek route. I didn't believe this to be true and actually a times envied my friends who decided the whole sorority thing wasn't their cup o' tea. Don't get me wrong, I love my sorority. I love my sorority sisters. Hands down, those were some of the best days of my life. I still keep in touch with a ton of them and wish we could head to the Dhall together for dinner on Wednesday nights. Great girls, who taught me wonderful lessons, and have turned into amazing women. I love them. Always will. Hands. Down.

But (you knew this was coming) there are some ladies who are in my sorority and other sororities that are total wacky bejackys. These chicks put that movie "Mean Girls" to shame. They actually STILL put that movie to shame. They talk smiggty smack on Facebook about girls in our own sorority and in other sororities, they still get caught up in who is talking to who (and *gasp* How could they? They are in a different sorority! The horror!!), they apparently have a problem with me associating myself with members of other sororities (*gasp* THE HORROR!), and they have gab sessions with their friends often about these little mishaps. UNBELIEVABLE.

Seriously ladies? Really? Because last time I checked, we were in our 30s. I ain't got no kinda time outside of my rockin' ass job, wedding planning, and amazing life to care what sorority someone was in while they were in college, 10 years ago. And if you do...*shaking my head trying to think of something not turrible to say*...well bless your heart. Do you need a hobby? Maybe you could start knitting, and then poke your own eye out. Or maybe you could start running, and hit a pot hole. Or maybe you could pick up, I'm really out of ideas. I don't know. FIND SOMETHING. Maybe you just need Jesus in your life. That might actually be the solution. Because Jesus doesn't take kindly to people getting pissed off at other people hanging out with other people in different sororities. Did that sentence even make any sense? I don't care, it made sense when I typed it and its staying so get over it you grammar freaks (as I cringe and try desperately to stop my hands from rewording the sentence). At any rate, the jig is up. Yes, it was cool in 1998. Yes, its a life long commitment. Yes, I love my pledge sisters. Yes, I love my sorority sisters. Yes, I'm proud I was in a sorority. Yes, its opened doors for me. No, I don't care that you were in a different sorority. No, I don't think differently of you b/c you chose to take a different route than I did. No, I don't care that my kid will most likely wear bunnies, ladybugs, alligators, and every color in the rainbow. I'm too old for that shit and, newsflash, so are you!

Big ups to my ladybug inspiration for this post.