Wednesday, December 21, 2011

My Dad is Amusing

I just got off the phone with my mother and she told me a great story about my father.  I had to share.  The man is just too amusing sometimes.

My mother walks in the house last night and my father is wandering around turning on all the Christmas lights in the windows.  She says he stops and says...

My Dad:  The litter box was awful when I came in.  Just filled with crap.  I had to change it out, just too much.
My Mother:  Oh, geeze.  Thanks for doing that though!
My Dad:  Yea, no biggie.  I'm going to turn the rest of these lights on.

So he goes about doing so and then stops in the hallway and looks at her....

My Dad:  I've gotta find that bag of crap.
My Mom:  What?
My Dad:  I cleaned out the cat crap and then I started turning on the lights.  I had the bag of crap in my hand, but now I don't know what I did with it.  Its got to be in this house somewhere.
My Mom:  You lost the bag of cat crap?!?!
My Dad:  I sure did.  I've gotta find that bag of crap!  Do you smell it anywhere?
My Mom:  *laughing hysterically at this point*  No, I don't smell the crap anywhere.
My Dad:  Dadblammit, how did I lose a big gray bag of cat shit?!?!

Needless to say, my father found the bag in one of the bedrooms.  He had apparently put it down when turning on the lights in the windows.  Ahhh, my father.  I love the man!!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Yes, My Husband Said That

If you've ever met Coal Miner (I have been affectionately calling my husband this since our first date (CM)) he doesn't realize he is amusing.  He also doesn't realize some pretty ridiculous things come out of his mouth which most times cause me to just shake my head in disbelief.  Thus bringing SMDH into my everyday lingo.  I thought perhaps I'd give you a few recent SMDH moments brought to you courtesy of my husband.

I Can't Whistle
I've never been able to whistle.  Last night in the car CM was just whistling away while we were listening to the Christmas station on the radidio.  So I try to whistle, I explain I just can't.  So CM provides me instructions that go a little something like this:
CM:  You just need to make your mouth like a butthole. 
Me:  What?
CM:  See look, my mouth looks like a butthole.  You are trying to push air out your mouth butthole.
Me:  Are you saying you can whistle out of your butthole?
CM:  No, I WISH!!  But if you make your mouth like a butthole I gaurantee you'll be able to whistle.
Me:  *blink blink* followed by me SMDH

All those years I've been trying to whistle and all I had to do was make my mouth like a butthole.  How could I not have know this great little tid bit??

I Consider Myself a Fairly Good Dancer.
CM is not so much a great dancer.  He's the epitome of a white boy.  Its almost sad how incapable his body is of moving the rhythm / beat of a song.  While doing Dance Dance Central this exchange took place:
CM:  How do you do that?
Me:  Do what?
CM:  Just pick up on those moves like that?
Me:  I don't know, it just...I don't know it just happens. 
CM:  White people don't naturally move like that baby.  Its a proven fact.  I do think you have some black in your bloodline.  Do you think it got mixed in with the Virginia Beach water?  Because basically every person I've met from Virginia Beach can dance. 
Me:  *blink blink* followed by me SMDH
CM:  What?  Its a valid question!

Apparently white people, ALL white people, cannot dance.  "Its a proven fact."

CM Loves to be Naked
Word on the street is that my husband used to cook in the nude.  He apparently used to do everything nude.  I don't doubt this for a minute because over the past 2 years I have found that he would much rather be naked than anything else.  So one night I'm laying in bed while CM is in the shower.  I have the covers pulled up and I'm drifting into sleep.  CM busts out through the bathroom doors and...
CM:  *yelling* Are you naked!?!?!
Me:  No.
CM:  I am!  I'm ready to paaarrrr-taaaay!  BALLS FLAPPIN' baby, BALLS FLLLAAAAAPIN'!!!! (yes, yes he was doing what you think he was doing)
Me:  *blink blink* followed by me SMDH

Who says that?!?!?!?!

So you see, these are just a few of the instances over the past two weeks in which I've found myself utterly and completely amused by my husband.  Fits of laughter usually take over after I'm done shaking my head (or while I'm shaking my head).  The man ain't right I tell you, he ain't right!!!!