Monday, August 23, 2010

I'm Too Tired for Funny Headlines

I'm not sure what is going on lately, but I'm having bad dreams nightly. And I'm not just talking about "oh it was so sad, blah blah happened." I'm talking "there was a Tiger chasing me and it was after everyone." Or how about the other night when I woke up and said "I was hiding in a washing machine, from this guy who was chasing me. When he found me in the washing machine, I stabbed him the neck with a black ink pen. He died. I was happy. And it was a front load washer, that's how I fit in it." WHAT THE WHAT? I don't know what my deal is, but I'm over it. I'm not getting good sleep. I'm waking up either terrified or pissed off (I was pretty pissed about the Tiger/Lion whatever it was trying to eat me. I was pissed that the situation would even occur.) which leads me to start my morning terrified and/or pissed off, which leads me to be irritated that I'm terrified and/or pissed off b/c of my stupid dreams.

As you can see none of this makes for the good start to the day. I also can't seem to sleep through the night without waking up once or twice. Not for any particular reason other than the fact that the dog keeps going all "Paranormal Activity" on me and shit. For the past month this bih has been waking up, staring at me, walking to the door, staring down the stairs, looking back at me, going to the top of the stairs, staring down stairs, then sitting right next to me on the floor at attention (she's a German Shepard, visualize please). So I'm fairly certain my dog is seeing something downstairs, or at least hearing something. JESUS. H. CHRIST can I please not have a haunted house? I just ignore her and the entire situation, and act like I'm still sleeping, b/c I watch A&E and they tell you not to engage with the spirits unless you are ready to head down that path. Who will never be ready to head down that path? THIS GIRL! So I tell my coworker about this and she says "Have you gone downstairs to see what it is?" To which I respond "FUCK NO!" What is wrong with this chick? Why don't you rephrase that to "Have you gone downstairs to be murdered? Or better yet to check out some demon making himself some dinner?" Ain't no way I'm going to check out what that dog sees. That's between the dog and the demon.

While discussing sleeping, I want my pillow back. Coal Miner stole my pillow about two months ago. I was out of town, and when I came back into town my pillow was on his side of the bed. My pillow is rad. Its a tempurpedic foam pillow. Its like sleeping on an angel's wing all night. Coal Miner found this secret gem, I had been keeping to myself, one evening while I was gallivanting around the United States trying to save people from going into foreclosure and has refused to give it back since. He told me he was going to buy me another one. Does it sound like he has made said purchase yet? Yea, that would be a no. So I want my pillow back and I want it back now. The thanks I get for trying to save all of the US's delinquent homeowners from losing their houses...SMH.

So anyway, I've posted about my dreams before b/c I'm a vivid dreamer. But lately they've been really bad. I'm sick of waking up feeling like I either want to punch the air, not in delight, or hide in a closet like the kid from "Sixth Sense." I'm so whiny today. Did you notice. I'm actually annoying myself. Ewwww! If I read this post I would want to stick me in a corner for a time out. These damn dreams are making my life a living hell. Someone please tell me how to stop the bad dreams. PRETTY PLEASE?!?!?!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Birthday Treats

Yep, it was my birthday last Tuesday, the big 3-Oh. But don't worry, I'm all going 29 v2.0 on people's tail and plan on doing that for a while. Nah, just kidding. I could care less that I turned 30. I'm embracing the ole 30's. For serious, my 20's kind of sucked the big one (besides meeting Coal Miner) so I'm looking forward to what my 30's will hold. I just bought a house, Coal Miner moved in, we are supposedly getting hitched (read, where is my ring bih?!?!?!), so it should definitely be interesting.

As a side note, Coal Miner threw me two, read that 2!, surprise parties. One HH w/all of my DC peeps and then one dinner with all of my 757 peeps. Best of both worlds, can't complain!

Pic from the HH - he's the best...

Which leads us to Coal Miner's birthday in October. He will also be the big 3-0 and will no longer be able to call me "an old hag", the f'er. Last night while laying in bed, drifting off to sleep, he says "I know what I want for my birthday." I really don't care b/c I already know what I'm going to get him so I entertain him and ask "Oh yea? So what do you want Birthday Boy?" And he says, with gusto, "a hole in one!" I laugh and let him know that just b/c he has been drinking his face off at Top Golf recently I find it highly unlikely that he will be getting a hole in one anytime soon. He laughs and says "No you old hag. I mean I want to do it in the butt."

I flip on the light, sit straight up in bed, and exclaim "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?" all in a matter of seconds.

I know, I know I shouldn't be discussing this with you. But I mean seriously now. Who says that at 11:26pm, on a Monday, when I'm trying to get myself to sleep before I need to wake up 6 hours later to go to work? Could we have saved this for a discussion over a glass or 4 of wine? Apparently not, apparently he wanted to discuss it right at that moment. He also didn't seem to find anything wrong with what he had just asked either. He didn't seem to think I should bat an eyelash at such a request.

Back when I was 23 I probably wouldn't have. No I'm serious. I probably would have been like "Awesome. Hope you have some good lube." Maybe I am turning into an old hag. But I just don't know that I want his pein shoved in my tail pipe. Again, shouldn't be sharing, but homeboy ain't small. This could possibly lead to a very painful and damaging experience. I'm sharing too much, I realize this, but hell you guys love the sharing, I know you do. I figure Coal Miner and our sexual endeavors should probably be off limits right? Yea, yea, just don't share with him that I told you okay?

Anyway, I neither said yes or no last night. I just laughed it off after my immediate outburst. But I then laid in bed awake thinking "October 16, you need to just hold off for a little bit. Okay friend?"

Thursday, August 12, 2010


So Coal Miner purchased a home with his ex a few years back. Said home was purchased with her $25K down from a condo she bought with her previous ex (yep I said that snarky). They then entered into an IO (aka Interest Only) loan on their first trust, and a 10/1 ARM on their second. For those of you who aren't familiar with mortgage loans and what that means, let me break it down for you. THEY STILL OWE EVERYTHING THEY BORROWED. And when the ARM kicks in 6 short years, they will probably have a 15% interest rate instead of the 6.5% they currently have.

Problem No. 1 - The house is worth almost $100K less than what they paid for it originally.

Problem No. 2 - The slunt refuses to sell the house and take a cash hit due to the fact that she hasn't saved a dime of money over the past four years even though Coal Miner has given her a portion of his tax return yearly (to the tune of $4k - $5K) and she has renters living in the house covering the other portion of the mortgage.

Problem No. 3 - The slunt refuses to refi Coal Miner out of the loan b/c she doesn't "want the house either. You aren't getting out of this if I'm not getting out of it. " said all bitchy and condescending

Problem No. 4 - The slunt is in complete and utter denial. She thinks that they will definitely recoup the money from the house, and she will even go as far to say that she believes she will be able to make a profit. "I mean the housing market up here is totally on the up tick. I think we are about to see 2006 prices again!" yes...that is a direct quote

Problem No. 5 - The slunt may not be the sharpest tool in the shed. And I'm not just saying this b/c she is his ex. She really isn't a smart girl. She works for essentially the same mortgage giant that I do (she works for our "little brother" company) and knows nothing about the current housing market, interest rates, how credit works, new legislation around housing programs, government sponsored housing programs, etc. She's a Senior Financial Analyst for God's sake. What exactly are you analyzing over there sista friend?

Problem No. 6 - The slunt has no idea what she wants to do with her life or the house for that matter. Last time Coal Miner was over there (with the appraiser I arranged) she told Coal Miner that she was going to use her pension to live off of, while she went to Nursing School, and trained to be a Firefighter, in Costa Rica. *I'm actually laughing right now as I type that* Does that sound like a sane person to you? Who even says that? You can't start extracting from your pension at 31 years old, let alone live in Costa Rica when you don't speak a lick of Spanish. Bish you never even been to Costa Rica! But you know she "doesn't care about material things." Really is that why you just bought a brand new car and are carrying a Fendi bag?

Problem No. 7 - Her new boyfriend's name is Andrew. Andrew lives in the house. <-- This isn't really a problem, its just strange, and weird, and well strange and weird. So as you can see its a bit of a cluster eff. I just purchased a home, under my own name, and Coal Miner is paying me "rent" until we get rid of the other house. I just don't know how we are ever going to get rid of the damn thing. She's totally a vindictive slunt too, so I bet she finds out we are getting married and I am planning a wedding (with our own funds) so she'll decide that its the PERFECT time to sell, so we'll have to postpone the wedding a shell out $50K for their dumba$ hasty decision. Frustration is my middle name today. I knew this when I met him (he told me on the first date). I knew this when I fell in love with him (he reminded me yet again of his baggage). I knew this when I decided I wanted to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him (he asked me if I was sure I wanted this baggage to stay with us in our marriage). I knew this...I knew..and I don't know, last night I got all upset about it. All weepy, all annoying. I feel bad for Coal Miner. He was just doing what she said was a good idea, and he thought was a good idea at the time. What a costly mistake and costly lesson to learn. Not to mention a heavy weight to carry around constantly. I know it could be a lot worse. I know that...I'm just trying to wrap my head around this giant mortgage and what it means for our financial future. I'm attempting to be understanding and calm, cool, and collected. Its just hard for me to see past this right now. No one seems to have a really good answer, or a non-huge amount of cash dropping way to get ourselves out of this mess either. So I guess I just sit and wait huh? *le sigh* Oh a btw slunt I know you lied on your resume and you never graduated from Mason...and I also happen to know the VP of HR over at your company so imma keep that one close to me until I need to go all ghetto on your tail.