Tuesday, September 29, 2009

You're an Annoying Human - In My Eyes at Least.

So I think its high time that I let everyone know about my Facebook pet peeves.  Each morning/evening I find myself more amused and/or disgusted more than ever at what folks are posting on said social networking site. 
  1. I don't care if your son/daughter went pee-pee/poo-poo in the potty:  Listen folks, I don't have any children, but I do have nieces and a nephew and I do realize this is a large accomplishment for children. However, its pretty fugging disgusting. I mean do I really need to know that your kid did #1 or #2 in a little plastic pot on the ground? Your child is going to be scarred for life knowing that I now know that he/she just took a shit. I see therapy in their future. So please keep that shit (no pun intended) to yourself.
  2. I'm sure your boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife is amazing, but I don't need to know how amazing he/she is in bed or wherever else it is you are doing it these days:  Are you serious?  Like seriously...nice, very classy.  I bet he/she would be really excited that I (and 200 of your closest friends who may/may not have ever met this person before) now know that he/she gave you the best head, tried a new position, rocked your world for hours, has an amazing rack/package/taint/etc.  I could care less about TMI, but this is just too much for a Facebook status update.
  3. Debbie downer, take a Xanax pronto:  Jesus, I don't know how so many bad things can happen to one person, but for God's sake please get yourself in some therapy with a quickness.  Your status updates are making me want to jump off the nearest roof.  I'm sorry your dog died, and your boyfriend broke up with you, and you are having a hard time, and lost your job, and foreclosed on your house, and had a fight with your mom, and you feel fat, and today sucks, and you are sick, and you don't know what you did to deserve this, but honestly I think its high time you sought some medical attention b/c I like to call your little problems - DEPRESSION.
  4. If you don't like your children, you probably shouldn't have procreated:  Again, I don't have children and I'm sure there are days you would like to drop your kids off at school and possibly leave them there for a few days. But every single solitary day of your life? You my friend, gots a pro'lem. You hate your kids. I would say its pretty safe to assume you hate your life. So while I can appreciate parental frustration, stating that you kids are pissing you off, annoying, whining too much, asking too many questions, being little shits, making a mess, always bothering you, never give you peace, are obnoxious, spoiled rotten, won't leave you alone and you wish you never woke up, everyday of your life...yea take a step back. Maybe you should take those kids over to Grandma's or possibly the closest Kinder Care.
  5. Nope, dont' feel sorry for you after having three months off you have to go back to work:  Teachers are special people. I give them mad daps, b/c I absolutely, 100%, do not have the patience to deal with children and their crappy parents on a regular basis. So please know that I appreciate you, love what you do, and think you are rad. However, I don't feel sorry for you. I get off 4 weeks a year. Count that, 20 days a year (not including sick days and national holidays - but you also get sick days and national holidays). So while you have been basking in the sun all summer, running errands, keeping your house clean, fixing dinner, working out at your leisure, and all that jazz, I've been sitting behind a desk writing over 200 emails a day, attending back-to-back meetings for 8 hours straight, and have to listen to some nit wit who has worked here for 20 years tell me about what's new and innovative in the industry right now. So, I'm sooo sorry that you have to go to work and earn money for the next 9 months (technically its 8 with all the vacay and holidays) but shut the f*ck up with your whining, b/c I will kick you in your shin if you say another word about "going back to reality".
  6. Grammar is golden:  A lot of browsers these days have spell check, but that won't help you bad grammar person (mine is awesome right now). Did you know that their/there are different words with different meanings? Oh another little tid bit to/too - very different as well. Oh and "irregardless" isn't a word. I could go on for days, but I'm sensing you didn't do very well in those English classes throughout your primary and secondary education did you? Yea, I didn't think so...no worries, sort of...errr could you just try a little harder maybe? Feel free to use spell check too, it’s this way groovy invention.
  7. I really don't need to know what type of 90210 personality you are:  Those quizzes are really starting to piss me off.  I don't care what type of Zombie, Sex in the City character, which city you should live in, what age you will be when you die, what type of engagement ring you'll have, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.  AND how did you find the time to take four of them in a row?  I mean who has that kind of time to devote to FB quizzes? So if you could stop posting them to your News Feed I would be super grateful. 
  8. Great, now I know every detail of your day:  Its great that you get to stay at home and don't have to work or maybe you have your Facebook hooked up to your mobile device, but I'm pretty sure no one cares about every small detail of your life.  Apparently I can relive your entire day right now b/c I'm so traumatized from having to relive it every single day of my life without actually wanting to do such a thing.  No seriously, ask me, I can probably tell you what you did yesterday word for word.  I'm cool with a few details of your day, but every move you make is a little much.  Let's keep it simple and I think you'll find you have more folks responding to your status updates and even removing you from that "Hide" feature in their News Feed (look I just used "their" appropriately).
  9. Just b/c you are friends with people we both know, doesn't mean I should be your friend:  Why on Earth would you send someone a friend request you don't even know?  Yea we seem to know some of the same people but I've never had a conversation with you, let alone laid eyes on you before.  You are so creepy and weird, go away.
  10. You aren't going to get fired b/c I posted a pic of you on Facebook:  Get over yourself.  A) You aren't that important.  B) If they fire you, they were just looking for a reason.  C) Don't friend your co-workers dumbass.  D) If you wouldn't want people to know you did it, you prolly shouldn't be photographed doing it then eh?  E) Ask me nicely, I'll take it down.  F) You are boring and obviously lead a double-life..wait that's kind of interesting, tell me more!
That's really all I can think of right now.  Don't worry I'm sure I'll get on FB tonight and be like "F*CK I knew I forgot one!"

Friday, September 25, 2009

Oh Really? Cuz I Still Don't Care...Just Thought You Should Know

It was brought to my attention that I use quite a few words and/or sayings that folks are unfamiliar or make them a little uncomfortable. I'm here to clarify most of my terms/sayings and what they mean to me. Now please understand that this may not be the correct and/or actual use of the term, but suck it, its my ish, its how I talk, so deal with it. Also I may have stolen a few of these from other people down the road, but that's just how this world works.  Got it? Great, lets begin. Get your pens/pencils ready kiddies, this should be gooood.

1. ish = sh*t

2. Get Better = when something is so awesome it really can't get any better

3. Get Worse = when something is so bad, you really can't get any worse

4. do what? = I don't hear you; I don't understand you; I just want to make fun of you

5. Jank = general term used to talk about items, stuff, etc.

6. with a quickness = Really? Do I really need to explain this? Hurry up.

7. OMO = Oh My Ohm

8. Shut the front door = Shut the f*ck up

9. Trrruuueeee = Lil Kim anyone?

10. Baish, Beitch, Betch = b*tch

11. Chronic, Dank, Rad = used to describe when something is off the chains

12. FNA = effing a$$shole

13. Besos = this is Spanish for kisses (Coal Miner this was especially for you)

14. Shut your face = Whatever; Please be quiet; stop talking immediately; I feel stupid and don't like to feel stupid

15. Faced = short for sh*t faced

16. Blazed = high

17. Werd = word

18. China = vagina

19. Okes = its the plural version of okay

20. No worries = its cool

21. haaaaaa-lareous = hilarious

22. P.I.C. = partner in crime

23. you dayum rite = I think that’s self explanatory

24. steeze = how I roll

25. the gerbils are running = when I lay in bed at night and cannot stop thinking

26. apple splatters (i recently acquired this) = diarrhea

27. butt throwing up = diarrhea

28. Oooooo Ooooooooooo = how I greet my PIC; an exclamation when things are awesome

29.  Valid = correct; exactly; agreed; yes 

Ps the picture at the top has nothing to do with this post.  I just think David Beckham is a gift to women from the heavens above, and should practice getting someone pregnant with me.

Monday, September 21, 2009

I Need to Get My Life in Order

Weekend Recap:  
Volume OBX Bachelorette Party

Let's first start this off by saying that right now I am eating spoonfuls of peanut butter b/c my wonderful co-workers have scheduled yet ANOTHER meeting during lunch. I mean I know I eat a lot and I'm always hungry, but for the love of all things heavenly could you please stop fugging scheduling meetings during the time I need to feed my tape worm? JEZUS!

Spent the weekend (I'm lying, I left on Thursday so really I spent the past 4 days) in Nags Head with my 757 betches. Needless to say take 12 women and 13 bottles of wine, 5 bottles of champagne, 4 18-packs of Bud Light, and 3 Liter bottles of vodka and what you have there is what I like to call a good time. Let's go over the weekend play-by-play.

Thursday Night: We started Thursday night off by meeting some neighbors next door (all dudes) who like to sing rap tunes, but acoustic w/the guitar. If you've never heard Biggie's "Juicy" acoustically by a white man, you are totally missing out (he also did some Snoop, he's a good time). The evening started to decline when the neighbors joined us (and not just serenading us from the balcony) and we began to drink heavily. Now let's be clear on this, the neighbors were from Baltimore. Not that there is anything wrong with Baltimoron, just that they were your typical young white trashy Baltimorons. However, they were a lot of fun and one of the guys worked for UTZ so he brought over these awesome pretzels and chips and we loved him forever b/c he satisfied the drunk munchies. Oh lets not forget the buffalo chicken dip that KT made...I'm pretty sure that betch sprinkled mine with some snow b/c I finished the whole dayum bucket with her. Some additional highlights of the evening include 5 broken beer bottles (back off, we were in the hot tub and our hands were slippy), one too many cigarettes (I'm pretty sure I smoked and I DO NOT smoke), possibly some greenery, and someone's mom next door telling us to turn the amp down and be quiet. HAAALLLAAAARIOUS.

Friday: Woke up without a shirt on in my bed staring at my best friend singing "I used to read WordUp Magazine" in my head. Mystery solved about the shirt, I was in the hot tub, I started to put on my pj's and go to sleep but was just too tired to actually put a shirt on at that time (waaay too much work). So I decided to seep in just my sleepy pants sans shirt. Thanks to KT for covering me with my sweatshirt - much obliged. I went to lie out and fell asleep in the sun b/c I managed about 4 hours of sleep and was in desperate need of a recharge. Around 11am the Bloody Mary's started flowing. Around 1pm the hot tub was turned on. Around 2pm the beer bonging started. Around 2:30pm the champagne cocktails came out. I have vague memories after this, but I know it involved me eating pasta salad b/c someone told me I would die of alcohol poisoning if I didn't, chasing around a 3 year old who fell in love with me b/c I was "soo much fun Miss Megan", and a rainbow spotting. Cue the night sky.

Friday Night: There was a lot of Red Bull and Vodka included in this evening which is just such a bad idea in itself. Apparently around midnight two of the gals and I decided it would be a rad idea to go to the local bar/club and hang out. I wore no makeup, my hair in a ponytail, and flip flops. I must have been STUNNING. We ended up finding a bachelor party that we hung out with the entire time (and a creepy guy who kept sticking his bad breath in my face and trying to dance with me), pouring my drink on a girl and saying "What Bitch? I don't know your life!!”, taking a cab home, forcing the cab driver to stop at Wendy's to feed my “SNACK ATTACK BITCHES”, and laughing for 3 hours straight. Additionally, I came home to find that all of my items were in the washing machine b/c apparently someone threw up on them. That's nice. At least my pillow survived the incident so I could slumber in peace (if you call drunk sleeping “slumber”).

Saturday: Let's just call this the "Come to Jesus" moment. After 8 hours of sleep in a 2-day period, so much alcohol it actually didn't matter how many times I brushed my teeth my breath still wreaked of it, countless unexplainable bruises, foggy memories of my own funny statements, and the inability to remember portions of the previous evening, my body shut down. She no longer wanted to act like she could hang anymore; she just wanted to die...right then and there. I am doing some serious damage to my liver and internal organs and really need to get my life in order. This became the theme of the entire weekend and continues to live on. However I ate the best hot dog I have ever had in my life (kosher dog with relish, mustard, ketchup and coleslaw) and did a little shopping so it wasn't all a wash. Let’s not forget me asking if the chick on Dirty Dancing has a sailboat on her p*ssy b/c seriously when Baby’s sister is rehearsing for that stupid talent show, those shorts she has on, looks like a sailboat placed strategically on her china. Take a look, let me know your thoughts.

All-in-all this was a pretty fun arse weekend. I left a lot out b/c I plan to blog about this weekend again and right now my fingers/brain are tired from typing/thinking so much.  The girls plan to do this every year and turn it into a girl's weekend instead of a bachelorette party...can I hang? Time will only tell people, time will only tell.

p.s.  I'm totally gey for the Coal Miner.  Makes me a happy girl.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

You Can Just Call Me Skinny Bitch

I don't know what my deal is, but for the past week but my hunger patterns have really begun to concern me. Used to be that I would wake up every morning and have an English muffin with peanut butter and strawberries, but lately the thought of food at 6:30am makes me want to spit chunks into the face of a child. So then like 10:30am will come around and I could eat an entire small calf. I'm freaking starving, but I have a taste for nothing. So I let this go on until about noon-thirty-ish and at that point I'm no longer hungry but I figure I should eat. So I barely touch my salad (I eat a salad almost every day for lunch) and I fight back the urge to throw it in the trash. Then around 2:00pm I want french fries, or chocolate, or eggs, like hard boiled eggs (don't ask, lately I've been eating like 2 hard boiled eggs a day...I really have no clue why). So then I go home and I'm still not hungry so I'll decide I'm going to work out and of course the minute I finish stretching for my run, my stomach is eating my back fat and cursing me in 14 different languages b/c its so f'ing hungry. So I go for the run, come back, the hunger is gone. The thought of food sends chills all over my body and upchucking everything I've eaten for the day seems like the best idea I've come up with in weeks. By 10pm, I want to eat an entire bag of Swedish Fish coupled with 7-11 nachos. So you may ask yourself "Is Megan pregnant?" And to that I reply "SHUT YOUR FACE!", of course I'm not, I just think I have a tape worm or something (but aren't those supposed to make you want to eat more?!?!). Oh man what if I have some like weird virus and it makes me lose tons of weight? Once I find out if that's the case I'll take requests to lick your face and transfer it to you at your earliest convenience. In all seriousness though, if this leads to weight loss I will be kind of excited (not that I really need to lose any weight, but a size 2 seems surprisingly within my reach) but also mystified by the entire process. WTF is wrong with me? Usually I'm ALWAYS HUNGRY. Not to mention I almost always want a glass of wine or a beer, especially before noon. Even that doesn't sound delightful in the least bit. Jezus P Christ, someone figure out whats going on so I can go back to being Fatty McFatterson please!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

If I Get Shot, You Know Who Did It

Here's a little gem of a story - yesterday while driving home in my sweet rental car (its a Chevy HHR - yea I know wipe that moisture from your pants, its hawt) I almost hit three chicks walking through the middle of 123 attempting to get to the Farifax Connector Station to catch the bus to the metro. Now, I wouldn't have cared that I almost hit them and just blown it off to them been silly and young (and obviously violating all types of traffic regulations) until the one loud mouthed chick says "Watch where you going BITCH!" and taps the hood of the car with her hands. Oh hail no! I'm sorry, last time I checked crosswalks were designed so you could cross the street at designated times without me making a human pancake out of you and your friends. Well, this really bothered me and I'm not sure why b/c usually I would just flick that chick off and keep driving, but not last night, oh no. I decided I was going to be very polite and talk to these young ladies about the choices they were making in their lives (including but not limited to their horrid makeup, hair, and various piercings). So I roll down my window and have a little conversation that goes something like this:
Me: *speaking in the sweetest tone known to mankind* You know, you ladies should probably use the crosswalk instead of walking across one of the busiest streets in Northern Virginia. I'm pretty sure that's what they were put there, to be used by folks just like you. Be careful ladies, I don't want anything to happen to you.
Ghetto Girl #1: F*ck you slut. How is this any of your bidness, mind yo f*ckin' bidness and go da f*ck away.
Me: Ummm well its my business when I hit you and end up killing you b/c you somehow think its completely unnecessary to use the crosswalk and instead want to play Frogger.
Ghetto Girl #1: Why don't you go call your boyfriend and tell him to give you some dick b/c you obviously need some.
Ghetto Girl #2: Oh my god gurl, you is so funny.
Me: That wasn't funny and I'm not sure why this is funny to you. I could have killed you or seriously hurt you. Do you not understand that?
Ghetto Girl #1: Like I said *turns her back and says something completely inaudible but it contains a lot of curse words and head shaking and hands moving, then turns back around* so F*CK YOU, YOU F*CKIN WHITE BITCH!
Me: *still speaking in the nicest tone known to mankind* Wow, that was special and so well thought out. You know, stop being so ignorant and have a normal conversation.
Ghetto Girl #2: You don't even knoooowwww meeeee.
Ghetto Girl #1 & 3: *nodding their heads* mmmmm hmmmmm dat's rite
Me: Nor do I want to ladies.
Ghetto Girl #1 (w/#2 & 3 nodding their heads and saying "mmm hmm"): You stupid white bitch, I hate all of you. Thinking you so high and mighty, tryin' to treat me like a slave and tell me what to do. I said it once, Imma say it again, F*CK YOU WHITE BITCH.
Ghetto Girl #2: *Laughing uncontrollably* You is so funny gurl, dis stupid bitch.
Me: Okay ladies, how about you go catch your bus to go back to your ghetto or public housing, in which you are probably still living with your parents, and most likely have multiple children from different fathers, and good luck finishing your "medical assistant" career which you are obviously dressed for at the moment. Oh and *now the tone changes and head movements and gesticulation* USE THE F*CKING CROSS WALK NEXT TIME OR I WILL RUN YOUR A$$ES OVER WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT ABOUT IT BIIIIIIITCH!
Ghetto Girl #1, 2, & 3: *Mouths open...crickets...still more crickets*
Me: *sweetest tone know to mankind is back* Gosh, I must have hit the nail on the head with that one huh? Well you have a blessed day ladies. Toodles. *big smile*

Listen I can be even more ghetto than these ladies, so I thought it was worth displaying...and then I realized it wasn't, I only stooped to their level and now they just hate me (and my race) even more. Why, oh why did I have to even open my mouth? SMH.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Me + Intersections = BAD IDEA

Labor Day has come and gone. Sigh - this means that Fall is coming very very soon. I noticed the other day its getting darker and darker, earlier and earlier, NOOOOOOOO [said very dramatically almost in slow motion]. Good visit with the fam this weekend, got to see Baby Carrigan which happens to be the most beautiful child ever. And I'm not just saying that, the kid is absolutely gorgeous. My sister and brother-in-law can breed some hotties let me tell you. I hope this next one is a hottie too b/c then I can brag a little more about my extremely good looking family. Oh yea, my sister is pregs - I'm not supposed to tell anyone but I HAVE to tell someone. I'm dying. She only has a week until she's almost done with the first trimester, so I figure I'm safe now blaring it to the interwebs right? I mean this is sorta private and really who reads this ish anyway?

Oh yea, want to know what's fun? When you get into an accident the night you are supposed to drive down to the 757 to spend Labor Day with your family. Yea, cause I did that on Thursday night coming home from work. I T-boned a 17 year old, niiiccceeeee. At least it wasn't my fault. That little shit came barreling through the intersection pushing his 3 series convertible to the limits to, trying beat me through the intersection. The gem of this entire thing, I didn't even know what happened, like seriously had no idea I had even hit a car. All of the sudden there was an airbag in my face, smoke, squealing tires, and broken glass. Kudos to Tom Ford b/c the sunglasses survived the entire ordeal without a scratch. I guess that is what happens when they cost $400 right? At that price they better make it through a little t-bone action. More kudos to RIM and Apple b/c the Blackberry and the iPhone went flying out of the cup holders and they also don't have a scratch. Again, at the price I paid for that iPhone it better effin survive. Oh and I didn't cry, I mean that is seriously impressive for moi. I cry at the drop of a hat, no tears (well not until I got into my house and then I cried in the living room but come on that's not in public and its totally reasonable given that I should have been a lot more hurt than I currently am, which is not hurt at all). Here's a pic of my car - so sad :(

I'm hoping they don't total it and I can just get it fixed b/c homegurl really isn't into car payments. I paid Ina (that is her name, RESPECT IT) off a year ago and its been reeeeel reeeeel nice not having that extra $400 come out of my pocket monthly. So cross your fingers, momma wants to buy a house and not have an added expense on top of that, so send those lucky vibes this direction.

How exciting that this is a 4-day work week huh? Werd. And next week I have a 3-day work week. Rad. I could get used to this, lol. I guess I better get some work done now. Effin PowerPoint just sitting on my screen staring at me waiting to be completed. Sigh, this is my life.

Peace out from the norfwes side of DC.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I'm Too Cute to be Mad At, Aren't I?

Who has two thumbs and likes to drink too much? THIS GIRL. Apparently the pieces I don't remember of Saturday night are not so pretty. I unfortunately (maybe its fortunate b/c if I did I would move to Canada) don't remember what it is exactly I said or for that matter didn't say, but it wasn't a welcome addition to the evening thats for dayum sure. So here I am to apologize to the Coal Miner for being "that girl" on our 3rd date and to own up to all the fabulousness that comes along with hanging out with moi. Let's just say I enjoyed my red wine a bit too much and started talking ridiculous amounts and discussing topics that shouldn't be covered before you've known an individual for at least a year. I honestly have no idea why I said some of the things I apparently said, but at least we got the embarrassing, yet extremely fun and sometime serious, drunk Megan incident out of the way. Good for folks to learn early about this rare occurrence that takes place. At least now its not surprising right? lol I know, it isn't funny and I shouldn't laugh, but I am laughing. I laughed a lot yesterday, I laughed a lot this morning, mostly b/c I don't know how you couldn't laugh at the situation. So Coal Miner I'm sorry to have done that to you, sometimes I suck and I'm drunk, but most of the time I'm the coolest effin chick I know. Forgive me?

Additional Requests for Forgiveness
S&W, sorry for dropping the f bomb in front of you as you are LL's parents, but at least I apologized at the time (or that's what John told me I did). Forgive me?

LL I'm sorry I cussed in front of your parents and drank all of the wine, but I love you and can't wait to see you in Indy. Forgive me?

KH, sorry I tried to steal your mother from you. I promise I'll share her when she adopts me. Forgive me?

Liver, I'm so very sorry I made you process all of that alcohol. Forgive me? [Update: Currently Negotiating]

Self, I'm sorry to have done that to you, I'll be better I promise. Forgive me? [Update: Forgiven]