Thursday, July 30, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
I know, I'm the most impatient person I know and I'm not kidding about that by any means. Why do I rush everything? What's my dealio? I blame my mother and my father, they are two seriously impatient people. For instance, my father refuses to sit at lights that have a sign "No Turn on RED at ANY TIME". He actually says out loud "That doesn't apply to me" and runs the dayum thing. He's had so many accidents we lost count like two years ago. When we used to do homework, he would say "You still don't have the answer? I've been sitting here for over 5 minutes and I've known the answer the whole time." Yea, that's b/c you are 40 Dad and I'm in 8th grade for lawrd's sake. My Mother, haaaalarious. She will drive around and around and around the parking spot looking for a parking spot close to the front and get agitated when I mention the fact that we could have already walked into the store if she would have just parked a little further out. She blames all the people for wasting her time looking for a parking spot. THis one time we were in line at Forever21 the day after Thanksgiving and she said "Do you think its possible you could get someone else behind the counter? We've been standing in line for at least 3 - 4 minutes." That. Was. Funny.
At any rate, maybe I'm just being to impatient, maybe I gave it up too soon, maybe I'm not as cool as I think I am, maybe I expect too much too soon, maybe I'm just bored and want someone to hang out with, maybe I want someone to kiss goodnight on a regular basis, maybe I'm sick of looking, maybe I'm just being a girl...oh GOD I'M BEING A GIRL...that is so disappointing. I pride myself on being dude like...okay Mission Be Like a Guy back in effect. Thanks be to God for this blog to get my a$$ back in check.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
1. "I wanted to lick his tattoos but I thought that might be inappropriate on a first date." - Me
2. "Wiggers should NOT be f*cked with! Especially in their natural habitat. But I thought they were extinct. I need a pic." - Joyce
3. "Tell him I do this with my toddler. I put the bus toy in the closet so Carrigan will forget she has it. Then I dust it off after a few months and give it back to her to play with. You will not be the dusty bus toy in the closet. He is a toddler." - My sister
4. "I'm Maryland retarded." - Me
5. "I'd totally go camping if I could come back, take a nice hot shower, sleep in a bed, be all comfy and clean." - My sister "So what you are telling me is that you want me to find the nearest Ritz Carlton for you go to hiking?" - My brother-in-law "Yes." - My sister
6. "I'm not a peanut Mommy, I'm a turkey" - My niece
7. "He's married." - Joyce (this wasn't actually funny at the time, but it is now)
8. "You know its bad when a 65-year old woman has better thighs than you....more beer please" - Lauren
Thursday, July 9, 2009
- Don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt - "I used to believe in this principle until I was thrown under the bus so many times I can no longer count it on both my hands and toes. Don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt, they'll just *beep* you later on." - My Very Pissed Colleague
- Don't state the facts - "I know you are a blunt person and you are very fact-based, but sometimes the facts need to be smoothed over...you know what I mean? A little sugar-coating never hurt anyone. And I know you are about to say that's lying, but its not...its just....smoothing over the not so great parts." - My Director
- Dance the dance - "See people here like to dance the dance. And well, you just aren't dancing. If you want to be a VP you are going to have to dance the dance. So put on your most comfortable shoes girl and get started!" - My Former Vice President
- Meet about Meetings - "I get that you think its ridiculous to meet about a meeting, but we need to prepare for the meeting where we plan to discuss the upcoming meeting. I just don't think its smart for us to go to this meeting without any meetings under our belt." - Unnamed Director
- Never say you don't know the answer - "Even if you don't know the answer, never ever say that you don't actually know the answer. See if you can spin it so that you can answer their question with a question. Or just skirt around the actual question. Works every time. No one can know that you don't actually know the answer." - Someone I accused of not knowing the answer
- Email at midnight for respect - "Yea sometimes I'll log in right before I go to bed and send an email, just so people think that I was working super late into the night. No, I'm serious it really works people think I'm like killing myself over here. Also, I just like to check my email before I go to bed, there's something so soothing about it." - A former colleague who was "laid-off"
- Know just enough to get ahead- "Well the real secret is to delegate all of the work you have and then have a download session with the individual completing the work. That way you are informed about what's taking place and when, plus you seem to be an authority on the subject but can defer to someone else if you don't know all of the nitty gritty details. That also means that you are "people managing"." -A People Manager
- Promotions = time endured, NOT performance - "She has been here for like 20 years. I mean I think she definitely deserves to be promoted. If you've been here that long what else are they supposed to do? Sure she doesn't know a thing about Marketing, but I mean 20 years...seriously 20 years, she deserves it working at this place for 20 years." - I don't even remember but its ridiculous none the less
- Your Job Title is irrelevant- "Your title doesn't necessarily reflect what you do. Please note that titles and job descriptions are "best fits"."- My HR Rep
- Meet the quota - "Do you guys have anyone who is female or of non-Caucasian descent? We really need to select some minorities to meet the quota we have to fill." -The Procurement Team