Friday, May 7, 2010

I Don't Follow Rules - I Break 'Em Betch

I'm a runner - and by runner I do not mean that I like to go out for a jog every now and then. I mean that I actually go running, for multiple miles (like a minimum of 5), about 5 days a week. I also like to do stupid things like run 10-Mile races and crap like that (yes I'm going to do a 1/2 Marathon b/4 my 30th bday, and no I don't know why). At any rate, there are rules when you are a runner. All runners know about these rules, they are unspoken. However, when running on the WO&D trail a few weekends ago I noticed people not following the rules of running. Maybe this is b/c they are new runners. Or maybe its b/c its been cold outside for a while, and they've been running alone all winter long and they forgot the rules. Or maybe, just maybe its b/c they don't feel like they have to follow the rules. Well guess what betches, I'm here to tell you to follow the dayum rules or I will kick you in your shins. Just in case these people are new runners, and may have not heard of the rules, I'm going to post them below, with explanations so that there is no confusion as to when you should abide by these rules (read ALWAYS). Oh and for the guy who came up onto the sidewalk in his Chevy Trailblazer the other night, so he could hurry up and make it to the red light, and ended up kicking rocks all over me with his tires, you can go punch yourself in the face. I hope you have a flat tire d!ck. Sorry, rules, yes, here we go.

Rule #1: When a fellow runner waves at you, you wave back.
Yea guess what a$$hole, I'm not waving at you b/c I don't know you and I want to make friends. I'm waving at you b/c that's what we do as runners. We acknowledge the other person who is part of our little club, and is making a choice to run, not b/c they are forced to, but b/c they really enjoy running and they love the high you get when you finish running, and they love the sweat and the pain, and all of that good stuff. So just wave and keep running. You don't even have to smile, just tilt your wrist up and WAVE.

Rule #2: If I'm moving too slow for you, go around me.
Stop running on my heels weirdo. If I'm going to slow for you, just freaking run around me. Is it really that hard? You are running, just move over to the left and go around me, b/c I'm running on the right-hand side just in case there are people faster than me.

Rule #3: If I start to go around you, do not speed up. This is not a race.
Okay you were running too slow for me, I decided to go around you and now you want to race me? OH HAIL NO! Move your slow tail out the way. And if you want to race around me after I get around you, then so be it. But don't you dare try and race me - I will cut you.

Rule #4: No you cannot have a sip of my water.
Ewwww you is nasty! Why would I let you drink my water? I mean I get it, you forgot yours, but turn around and go get some. You shouldn't be running 12 miles on Saturday without any water. Or if you started to run and realized you forgot yours, then turn the eff around and go back. You'll make that 12 miles, it will just be in 3 miles segments instead of 6 mile segments.

Rule #5: Don't you dare say "Yuck" when I spit.
I'm running, a lot, and it makes you get all cotton mouthy and phlemy, so shut your face, I've got to spit. So yea, I just did spit, and you are going to have to spit later on. End of story.

Rule #6: Dress for the weather.
When you go running, you should dress as if it were 10 degrees warmer out due to your body temperature rising while you run. Additionally, jogging pants are not really great running pants, they are just for lounging. Cotton is no bueno for the wet whicking we all like to have on our bodies. Oh and unless you are running 20 miles, you do not need 14 water/liquid containers on your hydration belt. For the love of everything holy, take some of those off!

Rule #7: Stop at the crosswalk and don't expect cars to stop for you.
Yea, those big heavy cars/buses/trucks will crush your a$$. So don't act all awesome and run through the crosswalk (or lack thereof) will wreckless abandonment b/c you will get creamed. Yes, I know, that white man was there on the signal telling you to cross, but cars don't care about that. They like to get where they are going, when they want to get there, regardless of whether or not you happen to be in the middle of that crosswalk. So please, look both ways before you scar me for life with visuals of your mangled body entangled with steel.

I think that's good enough to jog your memory (no pun intended) or to start you off. You'll learn the rest as you go along. And remember, I'm just here to help, not to place blame. No follow the dayum rules or else! Smoochies! :)


Candice said...

I can honestly say that I've never ran far enough to reach the cottonmouthy point where I need to spit.

Probably because I'm lazy.

I do appreciate the running rules just in case one day I wake up and decide to be a real runner. ;)

MDubs said...

lol - whatever you aren't lazy you are smarter than I...why do I run, where am I going?!?! :)