Its come to my attention recently that folks seem to think I'm being selfish. Selfish with my time, my money, my thoughts, my interactions, my...everything. (side note, I just used the word "my" a lot which could be part of the issue...anyhoo) I can understand why someone would think I'm being selfish. I mean I do tend to decline invitations more than previous and I haven't really been spending much time with friends. So yea, I can see it, but I feel like (and I shouldn't really) I need to explain myself. Its nothing against anyone in particular. And its not that I love anyone less, or enjoy their company less, or that I'm trying to push them away. Really, I promise you its not. Its just that I spent years of my life with someone who was the most selfish person I've ever met. So I was completely selfless. And not just with him, but with everyone. I did all of the traveling, calling, emailing, texting, keeping up, sending cards, buying gifts, remembering life events, going to life events, and I loved it, I did. Until I realized I had spent so much time keeping up with everyone else, and making sure everyone else was okay, that I didn't know if I was okay. I hadn't kept up with me.
I went through a stage of denial where I tried to keep up the facade, but I kept getting angry each time I had to go to some place, or thing, that I didn't really want to go to, b/c I felt bad. So I made a decision, shortly after discussing this with Coal Miner (who is still the raddest man alive - and my face of reason - and completely selfless), that I needed to take a break for a little while. I needed to concentrate on myself, on us. I need to be selfish *gasp*. Something I wasn't accustomed to, had no familiarity with, and didn't even know if I was capable of being (yes I just ended that sentence with being, shut your grammar face). So I'm trying it out. I'm not over committing myself, yet I find that I still don't have any weekends for me. I spend most of my time still traveling to see people, and my time is not really my own. However, I have started to say "no." And I'm proud of me for that. I still can't say no without an explanation as to why I'm saying no, but I'm getting better. So please, don't be mad, don't be agitated, and don't think its you...its not, its me, and its okay, and you can't be mad at me b/c I want to make sure I'm okay, and I'm taken care of, and I'm on the right track, and Coal Miner and I are making the right decisions. B/c I'm absolutely certain that I'll still always be your biggest cheerleader, shoulder to cry on, and face of reason when you need it. I'm just a phone call, text, email away...so give a shot, I bet I still respond in a reasonable time frame and even may adjust my "schedule" to see you. I might be a little on the selfish side right now (or trying to be at least) but I'm still as annoyingly involved in your life (even if I know one or two less details than I should). Now...stop being a PITA and give me some space. :)