$90 for WHAT? You MUST Be Crazy!

I bought a townhouse in June, if you didn't know that already. Coal Miner moved in with me, if you didn't know that already. What you may not know, is that he brought his dog Casey (a German Shepherd) with him. I love dogs. I do. But we disagree on whether or not dogs belong inside the house. This dog lives in our house. She is an 'inside dog' as CM likes to call her. Even though she weighs a gazillon pounds and is an alpha female (read bitch). She sheds like crazy. It upsets me b/c I'm a clean freak. Which leads us to our discussion today: My Cleaning Lady.

Due to the sheer mass of said dog hair I could not for the life of me not hire someone to clean the three levels of our home. Mostly b/c homegurl (that's me) was not interested in spending copious amounts of time dragging a vacuum up and down three flights of stairs multiple times a week. So I've enlisted the services of a cleaning lady (whom CM's mother has been using for years) to assist in this cleaning frenzy. Maria, yes that really is her name, comes every two weeks. CM also calls her "Little Mexico" which is just really racist but also very funny at the same time. Maria really doesn't speak/understand English very well. But funny enough she speaks/understands English perfectly when it comes to money. Funny how that works huh? Anyway, her first visit was phenomenal. I walked in the front door and it was like a bottle of Fabuloso! had vomited everywhere. Bottom line, I was in heaven. But ever since that first visit we've had a series of episodes with Maria. She means well but she's just lazy. I mean lazy. Or maybe she's just forgetful, I don't know. Let me start our journey into the joys of my cleaning lady (and her various cousins, nieces, aunts, parents, grandparents, that she brings along to assist).

Second Visit: Maria arrives with her niece, who is probably as old as me and Maria is probably not a day older than 40, 15 minutes early. Let's please also mention that her niece has the biggest camel toe I have ever seen. This visit happens to land on my birthday. So she arrives at 6:30 as opposed to 6:45. Whatevs, she's excited about getting started. I mean who could blame her?!?! Cleaning my house has to be the highlight of most anyone's day. So I leave, come home, only to find that I'm locked out of my own house. Oh yes, Maria has locked the bottom lock. CM showed her 3 times, count it 3, how to lock the front door and specifically said 3 times, count it 3, not to lock the bottom lock. She did it anyway. Awesome. So I call a locksmith b/c neither CM or I have keys to the bottom lock with us, or can get past the 2x4 that's blocking our basement door from intruders (or just me trying to go pee while waiting for the locksmith). So I sit outside for 40 minutes, in a suit, in 102 degree weather waiting for the locksmith to arrive, on my 30th birthday. 1 hour and $195 later I enter my freshly cleaned home only to find that she hasn't wiped down the refrigerator or vacuumed the rug in the living room AND COST ME AN EXTRA $195, plus the $90 I paid her this morning. BEYOND PISSED. But I'm going to let that go, it was an honest mistake. I'll just make sure she does the proper cleaning next time.

Third Visit: Maria arrives at 6:45 with her grandmother in tow. Her grandmother is probably 80 years old. She promptly informs me that grandma will only be taking care of the main level b/c she "can't do the stairs Miss Megan, she's old (said a little too enthusiastically)". That's cool - I don't care if she only takes care of the half bath, kitchen, dining room, hardwood floors, and living room if she does a good job. That's a lot of work. I come home to find that the lamps in the master bath have not been dusted, they've blown a circuit and not bothered to reset it, they've chipped the wall where we've recently painted, the dishes in the dishwasher are not washed, the table in the dining room hasn't even been wiped down, and again the rug. What's with the rug Maria? I mean I specifically said, very nicely might I add, "Hey Maria - don't forget to vacuum this rug okay?" To which she replied "Oh yes Miss Megan, Grandma will get it." Fail. I'd also like to note that my neighbor told me they left about 30 minutes after I did. Tell me how in the world she cleaned that whole house in 45 minutes? Anyone? Anyone?

Fourth Visit: Maria arrives 30 minutes late, with her niece who still has that camel toe, in tow. She asks me why I'm up so early and leaving the house so early. Ummm I have a job. Maybe she didn't notice the last three times that I leave promptly at the same time every single day. Oh well I just smile and tell her I've gotta get to work. But I'm stunned b/c her niece is bending over and I don't understand why she has a camel toe and I can see her butt crack. How is that comfortable while you are cleaning my bathtub? I mean wouldn't that really chafe you? Maybe that isn't my expertise and I should just mind my business but I really want to walk over to her and pull those out of her hoo-hah. Its like a yeast infection just waiting to happen. So I'm staring and then I shake my head and then I smile a toothless smile and then I leave. I come home to find the house smelling delicious and I think that we are back to where we started. *insert long audible sigh* I was wrong. The basement. Someone clearly forgot about the basement. WHYYYYY MARIA WHHHYYYY?

*End of visits thus far*

Don't worry my friends, I have a plan. I've typed up a note to give to Maria in both English and Spanish (thanks Google Translate!!). I've let her know what a fantastic job she's been doing and how she is relieving sooo much stress in my life (that's a lie, I'm type A, she's actually causing me stress), and we are just so thrilled she's agreed to help us out (technically I'm paying her $90 to clean 1900 square feet so she isn't really helping out, but technicalities, technicalities). I include just some small items I've noticed that could use a little extra attention. I again reinforce what a great job she's doing. I print it out and put it on the counter last night along with her check for her visit this morning. I'm feeling very satisfied. No way she can miss a beat this time. My cell phone rings:

Me: This is Megan.
Maria: Hi Miss Megan, its Maria.
Me: Hey Maria! What's up?
Maria: I suppose to come tomorrow right?
Me: Yep, 6:45.
Maria: I forget I need to go to Doctors.
Me: Okay no biggie you can come after - I'll give you the key code.
Maria: Yea I'd like to come Thursday, Friday, or maybe next week.
Me: You can come Thursday or Friday, that's cool.
Maria: Or Wednesday, today Monday right?
Me: Yea definitely, any of those work.
Maria: Okay I call you.
Me: Okay just give me a call, when do you think you'll be able to come?
Maria: I no know, I call you.
Me: Ummm okay. No worries, good luck at the doctors tomorrow.
Maria: What doctors?
Me: Uh, I thought you said you have to go to the doctors tomorrow.
Maria: Oh yess yessss doctors. Have nice nite Miss Megan.
Me: You too Maria.

Okay so she's totally lying right? I don't even care that she didn't want to come today. Just tell me you want to make it another day. But next week. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY! I have a small creature of fur growing in my house, please save me Maria. PPLLLLLEEEEEAAAASSSSEEEE. That bish better call or I'm folding and calling Molly Maids...at least they're insured and will reimburse me if they lock me out of my own house. SMDH.