I'm So Bored w/Your Vintage Wedding

Wedding Rant, Prepare Thyself: So, I'm planning this wedding right? I'm trying to be creative, yet classy. Fun, yet serious. Incorporate bright colors, yet ensure I am cognizant of the fact that its Fall. This should be easy right? Wrong my friend. All I see these days is rustic. Rustic Vintage. What the hell is rustic vintage? You can't even be rustic and vintage at the same time can you? What is that Old Hollywood meets Old McDonald? I'm not wearing a bird cage on my face. I'm not. I refuse. And I'm sure as shit not wearing bright red lipstick. I'm also not having a carnival. Soooo yea, where does that leave me? This seriously shouldn't be this difficult. And trying to get invitations that aren't fugly or played out? Forget about it. Sigh. Yes I love Etsy. Yes I'm doing some DIY stuff. But no, I'm not looking for an old typewriter for guests to type me a message. Yea, its cute but that shit is super time consuming. Oh and the ink. I can't even imagine the line for typing up one of those things. I know me, and if I were presented the option at a wedding I'd type an essay. This can only lead to a long line of people waiting to use the "vintage rustic" typewriter right? And no I'm not looking for gold frames either. And nope, my wedding isn't in a barn (though there is one on the property). I'm just...am I weird if I like a little rustic opulence? lol Is that even possible? I mean I love the rustic feel. But every single photo I see these days looks exactly the same. I know, I know, put on your big girl pants and your creative hat and shut the f up. I'm trying people, I'm trying. Oh and another thing, why can't I find someone to marry us? Are there only like 5 officiants in the DMV? And why are all mother of the bride dresses atrocious? I mean ATROCIOUS. I don't want my mom wearing that crap. She's a young skinny thang. She shouldn't have to wear some turrible elasticky frump fest. Worse! I am making progress though. I got a DJ, food is done, venue is done, bmaids dresses are done, my dress is done, flowers...oh shit flowers. Uggghhh I literally just remembered I haven't even thought about that yet. Sweet jezus in the morning. Why, why are flowers like a bazillion million dollars? Imma grab some flowers off the side of the road, stick 'em in a vase and call it a day. Kidding. Maybe.

Yes I Work From Home, No Its Not a Vacation

I just started working from home (WFH) on Mondays and Fridays. As all of you know I was at my wit's end at the paycheck place and asked if it would be possible to get some of my sanity back by not losing 3 hours of my daily life and the ability to go running before 9pm, just two days out of the week. They very graciously agreed and I will forever be thankful.

Recently I've noticed when I speak to people on the days I'm working from home, or just in passing when I mention working from home, they get very snarky. They make comments like "oh that must be nice" or "wow someone owed you a favor huh?" Yeaaa, about that. Listen, I know working from home probably sounds like some sort of spa treatment. Like I get to sit on my couch, in my PJs, watching Oprah, meanwhile acting like I'm working. Does that accurately describe what you were thinking? Well I don't know about you, but I've never had a relaxing day where you begin working at 7:30am, are on conference calls until 3:30, shower at 4pm, and then finish up your day at 7/8pm. Have you been to a spa like that recently? Sounds dreamy huh? Yea I didn't think so.

Realize there are two types of people in this world. Personality A (not to be confused with Type A) = The ones who you would never entrust with working from home. They are incapable of not turning on the television. They run errands while on conference calls instead of actively listening. Their kids are constantly in the background having conversations with them while they "attend" your meeting via phone. They sign on at 9am, and sign off at 4:30pm, meanwhile being "idle" on IM most of the day. Seems like I have experience with these types of people huh? Personality B = The machines. They sign-on early morning and work straight through the day. They usually pull 12+ hour days and feel bad even venturing to their kitchen to grab a drink, let alone some food for lunch. They forward their desk phone to their personal line and always answer, until 6 or 7 pm. Without interruptions they can produce more work than one single human should during a workday. As if you didn't already gather, I am Personality B.

This means, unlike Personality A, I'm not having a grand old time sitting at home, doing some laundry, fixing dinner, cleaning up the house, going out for a run. I'm working. Probably working harder than I do at work. I'm still working when Coal Miner walks in the front door. My phone rings until 6/7 at night. I still answer "Paycheck Place, this is Me". And then when that stops ringing, my blackberry starts.

So next time you think to yourself "Oh THAT must be nice" when someone mentions working at home, think about me. And realize going to work is probably a lot easier and the toilets have auto-flush.

Just Eat it, Eat it, Eat it, Eat it.....

So while on vacation in Mexico, which happens to be like the place with the nicest people in the world, I started reading The 4 Hour Body. At first, I was bored by this story. You have super human strength, more money than God, only work a few hours a week (yea I read your other book Tim Ferris), blahzay, blahzay, blahzay. But then I started really reading. And I got hooked on this Slow-Carb Diet thing. I love working out, so that isn't an issue for me. Yea I know you just GTS'd didn't you? Ummm GTS means Google That Shit. Its my mantra at work. I say it to everyone. Since apparently I'm my Paycheck Place Informational Line, I've started saying "Yea you should just GTS." Then thanking them and hanging up. Anyway, back to my story.

I convinced Coal Miner to do the Slow-Carb Diet with me beginning the day we got back from vacay. Now let me just tell you that we went to an all-inclusive resort, including alcohol, so we ate enough for a small African nation while we were there. Funny enough though I lost 2kg (yea the scale was only in kgs, so bite me) while on vacation. How does one do that? I'll tell you how. They wake up the day after drinking themselves to oblivion and blacking out, and proceed to crap continuously for like 4 hours. TMI? Whatevs, deal with it. Jezus, why can't I stay on track?!?!?!

Okay so we started the Slow-Carb Diet on Tuesday. Its now Thursday. I want a Cinnabon topped with a slice of cheese pizza so bad I could punch someone. I mean what is that? I don't even eat Cinnabon or pizza! Well no that's a lie, I mean I eat them on occasion. But its not like I eat them all of the time!!! Anyway, I was fine yesterday. I mean I was bold enough to even Tweet about it and be like this ain't hard, I'm a rockstar. True story, which can be seen via my Twitter. But today, I have no idea what happened. Why on Day 3 would I all of the sudden start gnawing my back fat for possible slivers of delicious Cinnabon gooey'ness?

At any rate, I'm sticking with this b/c well its Lent and I'm Southern Baptist and that's what SoBaps do dammint. Kidding, has nothing to do with Lent and has everything to do with trying to lose my mid section. I think you should pray for me. You should also pray for Coal Miner. Each day we continue eating healthier he talks to me about how he will be like one of those kids on the infomercials that needs money sent to them b/c they can't afford rice, if he continues down this path. He's melodramatic and its one of the main reasons I love him (and we get along so well). OH and when I have my binge day on Saturday, I plan to share each and every single thing I eat with you. Its going to be like hitting the crack pipe for the first time and I'm giddy with excitement. Saturday, hurry up betch.