Monday, December 27, 2010

Debbie Downer At Your Service

The other day I was on Facebook and was using this "My Year in Status" application. I thought to myself "Hey self , it would be fun to see how this application summarizes your year in statuses, perhaps we should check that out." So I allowed the application access and it whipped up a summary of my year via my status messages and the outcome was somewhat alarming. On the positive side I'm completely in love with my fiance. Additionally I amuse myself regularly with some of my statuses based on my worldly observations. On the not so positive side I really dislike my current state of affairs at the paycheck place. This was noted not once or twice or even 20 times, but like 50+ times throughout the year.

If you take into account there are only 52 weeks out of the year, with 5 working days a week, 15 vacation days (yes I've only taken 15 days off even though I have 20), 10 holidays, and 2 sick days (yes I also have unlimited sick leave and I've only taken 2 full sick days), that leaves you with 233 days to complain about my job. But I have to add in the weekends that I worked (6 weekends = +12 days) and we are back at 245 days to complain. If we conservatively say that I've complained about 50 of those, that's only a 20% unhappiness rate. That seems reasonable right? Apparently not.

This morning I woke up at 8:30. I should have left the house for work 30 minutes prior. I showered, got dressed, and sat on my stairs (it was 9:12am at this point). Then I cried. I poured my coffee, fixed my lunch, got in my car and started driving. Only to get to the 495 exit and make a u-turn. I couldn't do it. I couldn't go there. I started crying again. But can't out my finger on why. I'm sitting here working from home (well I mean shut up yes I'm blogging, but I just finished creating a technical requirements document that I spent 3 hours on and that's torture enough, believe me) and I'm completely fine. I'm not stressed out. I'm not feeling overwhelmed. I mean this might be due to the fact that in response to every email I send, I receive an out of office message. So there isn't a soul to throw me into my usual 11am - 4pm tizzy. But still, the minute I knew I was going home to work (thanks to Coal Miner's text message suggestion, love you babe) I was fine. I was relaxed. I was calm. I was fine. So why am I still so uneasy.

Let's be real, this isn't a new thing with me. Its been going on for years. I have a total love/hate relationship with my paycheck place. Yes I get rewarded for my performance, but just a week ago they sent us an email telling us no raises, no bonuses this year. Never mind the fact that yet again this year I received the highest rating an employee can receive. but will I be rewarded for that? Not this year, so what's the point? I'm the only person working my tail off. Everyone else is on vacation. But not me.

I was asked to work, to make sure I got everything done over the holidays. And I said yes. I went along with it. Why? What makes me so unable to ensure my own happiness over other people's objectives. I know, I know, I should be happy to have a job, I get paid really well, blah blah blah, says the people who are currently not working and enjoyed the holidays with their family. But for once I'd like to really take some time off. Not spend my time traveling somewhere to make time for people who don't make time for me. Relax, instead of spending my time in a car/airport stressing over arrivals/departures/etc. Disconnect instead of picking up my blackberry to read through the 90 emails I get within a 5 hour period so I'm not spending hours upon hours sorting through them when I return. Stop bitching. I just need to stop bitching. I'm annoying myself with the constant bitching. Just shut the eff up Megan and do something about it, right? Right. Now, what do I do?

I just posted about this, whats going to make me happy? Is it going back to consulting? Maybe. Is it moving out of this concrete jungle? Maybe. Is it embracing what I have and living for the moment instead of self-inflicting stress on myself and worrying about things I have no control over? Probably. Or is it simply just crying uncle? Do I finally just need to tell everyone at work I can't"? I just can't do this anymore. I'm exhausted. I'm always exhausted. My brain never stops. From the minute I wake up until the time I go to bed I'm systematically devising a plan for some piece of some project at work. It never stops. And its exhausting.

Someone told me on Facebook I should make it my New Year's resolution to be a little happier in my status messages. That crushed me. I'm a generally happy gal. Or at least I thought I was...*pondering* Perhaps my New Year's resolution will be to end this cycle with the paycheck place. Not like I have put that on the list before. insert heavy sigh But maybe this year will be different.

Sorry to be Debbie Downer peeps, that was never my intention. I shouldn't have used Facebook in that manner. I shouldn't have brought you guys down with me. I really hate that it happened. But rest assured I'm going to change that, I promise you. And in the spirit of change I hope you had a wonderful Christmas. Make sure you toast to an amazing 2011, its going to be a year full of change and happiness for all.


Naomi said...

I'll punch Mease in the mouth for you ;)

Anonymous said...

Hey girl let me just tell you that I completely relate and I have decided to take a risk and be done with the madness that has jacked my happy self. You know what you gotta do so now just do it!
Your Persian Leo sista :)