I was recently promoted at work. I have a whole team working for me now. I report up to a Director who reports directly into the SVP. I talk to the SVP daily. I'm moving up the food chain. I've been doing it for years. It's the reason I've spent so many hours at my desk, after they turn the ac/heat off at night, and I'm the last car in the garage. It's what I wanted. So why now, after I'm getting what I want, do I not want it anymore. I find myself most mornings longing to stay home, go for a run, pick up the house, and fix dinner for Coal Miner. Am I having the 5 year itch at work? Am I starting to realize perhaps being the SVP isn't exactly what I thought it would be?
Don't get me wrong, I like the fact that I've made a name for myself. I've built a little empire, all by myself, without any advocates at work. I ensured that I attended the right meetings with the "big guns", I went to those Happy Hours, I was adamant about my promotion, my ability to run a team and manage a multi-million dollar project at the same time. I was and am a superstar at work. I know it, everyone else knows it as well, its not a secret. So what's going on? What happened? Am I burnt out at the age of 30? That can't be. I'm too young for that. Have my priorities changed? Or am I just trying to do too much? I've come to the conclusion its the later.
Most days I find myself sitting at my desk, head swirling, thinking "how on earth am I going to get all of this done?" I need to ask for help. I need to start delegating. I need to slow down. I'm doing way too much, way too fast, and putting unrealistic deadlines on myself. Why do I need to be a VP by 40? Seriously, why? What does that prove? Why do I "need" that title? Yes, I get it, I want to be important. Hell my whole generation wants the same thing. We were brought up to believe that you need titles, cars, houses, things, etc. to be important. But what if I just want a simpler life. I like nice things, but I don't need them to be happy. I like money, but...I can't say what I just said about money. I don't know that I need it to be happy, but I do know that I need it to feel okay.
I grew up watching my parents live paycheck to paycheck. Wanting more than what they had. Juggling which bills to pay to ensure that our electricity stayed on and we could still charge groceries to the credit card. They refinanced their house multiple times. My mother worked two to three jobs at a time. She was exhausted. She was never around. Neither was my dad. And it wasn't their fault. They came to what they could, they were home when they were needed, they were always there when I needed them. It didn't take anything away from my parent's parenting skills or my childhood. It was an amazing childhood (almost storybook if you don't count what I just told you). BUT, I don't want that for myself. I don't want that for my family. I don't want my little girls (if I have them) to have a memory of me sitting at the kitchen table crying trying to figure out when the last possible moment is to pay this bill or that bill. Or hear me say to my mom on the phone "We are in the red again." They didn't think we knew. We did. So, after psychoanalyzing the shit out of myself, I know why I "need" money. I know why it makes me feel safe. And I know why I feel like I have to die trying to earn as much of it as possible. But still, I long for a simpler life. I long for a slower life. I long to enjoy my days, each of them, instead of wishing them away. I yearn for less traffic and more "us" time. I just need to find a way to feel safe and at ease. Got any grand ideas?