I'm Terrified For Our Child

No, I'm not pregnant, but I always have the best discussions with Coal Miner about our future family. Last night was a prime example.

Coal Miner: Last time I was at his [his best friend] house that fucker [his bf's baby] cried the entire time. He was a pain in the ass.
Me: Umm wasn't he like a month or two old?
CM: Yea, so?
Me: So that's what babies do, they cry.
CM: Why? That's stupid. Do they all cry? Why do they cry? Do you think ours will cry?
Me: Yes, I do think ours will cry.
CM: Fuck that. Why is it going to cry? Kids are pain.
Me: B/c CM, that's how babies tell you when they are hungry, in pain, tired, want attention. Basically crying is how they tell you everything b/c they cant' talk.
CM: I hope our fucker doesn't cry.
Me: Can you please stop calling our unborn, not even created yet, child a fucker?
*without skipping a beat*
CM: OH! Did you know that babies don't drink water? How weird is that?
Me: Yes I did know that. And its not weird, they get all the water they need from milk & formula or breast feeding.
CM: Whaaaa? I get thirsty and I need water. So I think its weird that these babies don't get thirsty either.
Me: They do get thirsty. You give them milk.
CM: That's fucking weird. Why don't you give them water?
Me: B/c you're not supposed to CM. Like I said, if the baby is thirst, you give them milk or formula.
CM: If I was a baby, I'd be pissed. I mean I have like a steak and a potato and I need water to wash it down. Or I work out and I need water b/c I'm thirsty.
Me: Babies don't eat solid food or workout.
CM: Its still weird. I bet babies are really thirsty and need water.

So you all see what I'm dealing with right? And these are dead serious conversations. DEAD SERIOUS. My poor unborn, not even created yet, child. Pray for it. Pray hard.

Yea Imma Do That Before Kiddos

News update - I'm getting married in 39 days. How da hail did that happen? 4 weeks? Sweet mother of all things holy I've got a sh!t load to do before the big day. That being said, here's a list of the Top 10 things I've decided that Coal Miner and I will hopefully take part in prior to me getting knocked up.

1. Go Skydiving - Fairly certain my mother would kick my a$$ if I went skydiving and I had a child. Mostly because I'm a little accident prone and she thinks I'm highly inclined to kill myself. You can't do that if you have kids. You have to be all responsible and stuff. So I need to jump out of a plane with a quickness.

2. Go Whitewater Rafting - see number one. And yes I can't believe I haven't done this at this point in my life either.

3. Do a triathlon - training for a triathlon is difficult, time consuming, and daunting when your single. I can't imagine what it would be like with a child. The thought of that actually makes me shudder.

4. Have sex in every room in the house...again...may times - Gone will be the days of getting in on where ever we feel like it. We better make the most of it and bang it out on the kitchen floor again.

5. Set my sights on that Director spot - I should probably start aiming a little higher than I have been in the past 3 months b/c I haven't thought once about getting promoted recently. Hey I've been planning my wedding and doing a full-time job so you STFU. I'm totally allowed to be a slacker right now.

6. Go to Bora Bora - I've said this once, imma say it again - my ass is going to Bora Bora before I push a kid out my vag.

7. Listen to awful dirty music in the car, at very high volumes - I'll probably be the parent whose daughter sings Britney Spears and Lady Gaga, but I try and think highly of myself at times. I try and think I'll be good and only listen to the Christian channel or talk radio when rugrats are present. If that really is the case then I'm going to blast BritBrit on the way home. Sing my little heart out. Repeat ever dirty word she says. And then sing it again. Rock on!

8. Go on a road trip - I've been in the car with my nieces and nephews. I love them. I do. But the constant talking, the cartoons, the "I've gotta pee"s, the fighting, the crying, the screaming. And that's only been for like 30 minutes in a car. I don't even want to start to envision a 10 hour drive to Florida for our family vacation. It just sounds like a beta blocker and glass of wine moment.

9. Snuggle more - I'm so exhausted lately that I just kind of go with the flow. Wake up, go to work, go running, eat some dinner, go to bed. I hardly ever think about snuggling up to Coal Miner without any interruptions. I shall do that this evening.

10. Get married - Yea I should probably get through my wedding before I start making these kinds of lists huh? Speaking of that wedding, its really starting to become a drag planning this thing. I should have just ponied up the $7k and hired a wedding planner. WTF was I thinking?!?!?

WHAM Did Tell Me: That's what you get

I was recently promoted at work. I have a whole team working for me now. I report up to a Director who reports directly into the SVP. I talk to the SVP daily. I'm moving up the food chain. I've been doing it for years. It's the reason I've spent so many hours at my desk, after they turn the ac/heat off at night, and I'm the last car in the garage. It's what I wanted. So why now, after I'm getting what I want, do I not want it anymore. I find myself most mornings longing to stay home, go for a run, pick up the house, and fix dinner for Coal Miner. Am I having the 5 year itch at work? Am I starting to realize perhaps being the SVP isn't exactly what I thought it would be?

Don't get me wrong, I like the fact that I've made a name for myself. I've built a little empire, all by myself, without any advocates at work. I ensured that I attended the right meetings with the "big guns", I went to those Happy Hours, I was adamant about my promotion, my ability to run a team and manage a multi-million dollar project at the same time. I was and am a superstar at work. I know it, everyone else knows it as well, its not a secret. So what's going on? What happened? Am I burnt out at the age of 30? That can't be. I'm too young for that. Have my priorities changed? Or am I just trying to do too much? I've come to the conclusion its the later.

Most days I find myself sitting at my desk, head swirling, thinking "how on earth am I going to get all of this done?" I need to ask for help. I need to start delegating. I need to slow down. I'm doing way too much, way too fast, and putting unrealistic deadlines on myself. Why do I need to be a VP by 40? Seriously, why? What does that prove? Why do I "need" that title? Yes, I get it, I want to be important. Hell my whole generation wants the same thing. We were brought up to believe that you need titles, cars, houses, things, etc. to be important. But what if I just want a simpler life. I like nice things, but I don't need them to be happy. I like money, but...I can't say what I just said about money. I don't know that I need it to be happy, but I do know that I need it to feel okay.

I grew up watching my parents live paycheck to paycheck. Wanting more than what they had. Juggling which bills to pay to ensure that our electricity stayed on and we could still charge groceries to the credit card. They refinanced their house multiple times. My mother worked two to three jobs at a time. She was exhausted. She was never around. Neither was my dad. And it wasn't their fault. They came to what they could, they were home when they were needed, they were always there when I needed them. It didn't take anything away from my parent's parenting skills or my childhood. It was an amazing childhood (almost storybook if you don't count what I just told you). BUT, I don't want that for myself. I don't want that for my family. I don't want my little girls (if I have them) to have a memory of me sitting at the kitchen table crying trying to figure out when the last possible moment is to pay this bill or that bill. Or hear me say to my mom on the phone "We are in the red again." They didn't think we knew. We did. So, after psychoanalyzing the shit out of myself, I know why I "need" money. I know why it makes me feel safe. And I know why I feel like I have to die trying to earn as much of it as possible. But still, I long for a simpler life. I long for a slower life. I long to enjoy my days, each of them, instead of wishing them away. I yearn for less traffic and more "us" time. I just need to find a way to feel safe and at ease. Got any grand ideas?

Wrote a song bout, like to hear, here it go

Everyone keeps telling me "Its not you Megan. Its just...its just...them." I'm really starting to think that I'm right, it is me. I know self-loathing is just so Kurt Cobain, but honestly, I think it might actually be good ole moi. Some days I could give a sh*t less and some days it really bothers me. I think the closer my birthday gets each year I start to flip the F out. I don't know why my birthday creeps me out so much. I honestly could care less about getting older. I actually welcome my 30s. At least I won't have people continually say "but you are soooo young" or "you're just a baaaby" [ps I just heard "Maybe the Dingo ate your baby" when I wrote that..in my head of course]. So really, it must be me. What am I doing wrong? Does my personality suck? Am I too forward? I mean I'm a go get 'em type gal. I guess that could be a turnoff for some huh? Well crap, what am I supposed to do? I need constructive feedback people. Tell me the truth, you know I can handle it [and throw that sh*t right back in your face later, lol, kidding].

Have you heard those annoying Jerry's Subs commercials on the radio? I swear to the heavens above they are like nails on a chalkboard for me. I can't handle them. Stupid Sarah Palin and Bill Clinton and Obama impersonations. I can't change the channel fast enough when they start airing. Perhaps I should look into that satellite radio after all. Or maybe I should just stop being so lazy and grab my ipod before I head out in the morning. Seriously though, sh*t isn't funny so please get a new steeze Jerry's, thanks.

So I received this job offer last week (or maybe it was the week before, my God all of my weeks are running together). So we go through this whole process of negotiating back and forth and what not and I finally accept their offer and then they rescind my offer b/c of my start date...which was 5 days after the date they wanted. Seriously? No, seriously? I finally thought I had a chance of escaping Hades Haven, but I was incorrect. Being that Lucifer himself is in charge I don't know how I thought that to be possible.

I'm contemplating driving home this weekend, but its SUCH A DRAG. A few hours in a car by yourself is nice. You relax, you sing, you talk to yourself, its just silent...and that's nice, no buzz of fluorescent lights, no tapping of keyboards, and no constant freeway noise b/c well you ARE the freeway noise. But 7 hours in a car by yourself, in traffic none the less, is like sitting through a Yani concert. I mean you literally want to just get out and walk. Plus the drive back to DC you are just waiting for that moment when the little traffic line turns from green, to yellow, to the dreaded red on your GPS. I have such a love/hate relationship with the 757. I love the beach and I miss my family and friends, but it just isn't a quick trip during the summer months and it seems to rain/be cloudy on the weekends I'm there to bronze the crap out of my body. What gives 757, huh?

I'm dumping my thoughts, is that obvious or what? Work was totally manageable this week, that was NIIICCEEE. I haven't had a manageable week in months. I left at like 5 yesterday and I thought I actually started looking behind me to see if anyone was watching. Oh then I had the chance to go running in the pouring rain and it was fantabulous. I was muddy and drenched, ahhh it was wonderful.

I need a new hobby, any ideas? I was thinking sky diving or rock climbing or ANYTHING. I'm so fugging bored. I need something to do and I'm sick of spending money on food and drinks, that's only making me fat [or at least have a complex that I'm fat]. And don't you dare say scrap booking. I'm not from Wisconsin, nor am I overweight, married, or friend-less. I just need something to do in my spare time besides running. I could get a dog, but that's a lot of work. LIKE A LOT. Maybe a cat? Litter box, where would I put it? I need suggestions, HEEELLLPPPP.

Almost a year later...nothing but randomness

Just a rant and catch up today:

Work is driving me insane. We have this internal website called "HomeSite" in which news and other things are published. Yet, none of what is posted is actual News. The sad thing is people find this crap really important. Like "drive slowly through the neighborhood" and "make sure you throw your ciggarettes into the smoke towers"...really people? Really, our company is under fire on the reg and there are rumors about layoffs circulating and the best you can come up with is watch your speed and flick your cig in the right place? Man, if only my job were so easy.

Now about my job. Its a cluster F. I don't even actually know who I report to anymore, let alone my future in my organization. I've been working on this Treasury web site and no one else in my team has any involvement. Correction, no one else in the company has any involvement. So its a bit difficult to decipher my position here. Of course I'm getting the empty promises of promotions (I'm now going on year 3 of that same promise...yea I'm onto the game folks). So I've decided to try and jump ship. In this economy, it isn't going as well as expected.

I've been applying to positions down in South Florida, to no avail. Wish times were a little better, but not extreme like they were previously, so I could find a great company down there to get my foot in the door. I know what you are thinking, but you have this great job here in DC, and all of your friends. But let me spell this out for you. My "great" job is awesome, I'm not going to lie about that, but I do 3 times the work of anyone here, the expectation has been set, and now I'm working such long hours that I hardly get a chance to eat dinner prior to 8pm, let alone work out anymore. My friends have all coupled up and don't really have time to be my friends. I found out a year or so ago that I was the best friend any person could have at any given time, but the same was not in order for my friends. My core group is gone and it saddens me, but we all have to grow up at some time right? I guess we are all growing apart or its just me. In my hopes to keep my self-esteem at an okay level I'm going with the first choice.

Okay, babbled enough. Who wants to help me find a job in good 'ole Sunny Florida? Or at least one here in DC that doesn't make me sit in a chair working on my secretary's spread all day. :)

And she's off...

Okay so as everyone knows the past two weeks have been my own personal hell. I spent the first week sobbing uncontrollably, retracing my steps, rehashing my conversations and wondering what the hail I did. The second week (which we are currently experiencing) has had a different mindset completely. On Monday I tried to initiate contact with no response. So I decided that was it. No more Megan trying, let someone else try for a while. See how great it is when I'm not around. Okay so that brings us to Wednesday, and one of my LadyFriends saying "We should go to Spain!" for me to realize, YES I SHOULD GO TO SPAIN. Why not? I don't have a dog, a plant, or anything that will die while I'm gone, so why not? I have no responsibilities other than my job, so why not? So, I did it, I booked the ticket today and off to Spain I will go in May. Now comes the not so jovial part, it took everything in my body not to write an email telling the good news. The first person I wanted to tell isn't currently acknowledging my prescence...sigh...it was a sad moment amongst my joy. Maybe in time I can talk about my fantastic trip coming up. Maybe in time...

España, aquí vengo!

Victory!

For six years now, yes you read that correctly SIX, I have been visiting the doctor every three months b/c well my body has a mind of its own. Most people would have responded to the various procedures but not me, I mean come on..that's tooooo easy for me! So today I went to my 3-month check-up and got the best news in a long time. I got on the scale and I had lost 7lbs since the last time I was there!! The nurse gave me a high five, ain't that some sheit?!?! Okay so that wasn't the really good news, but it did make me really happy. And while we are the subject I went to Lerner this weekend (shut up, I like their chinos and their tanks) and I went down a pants size. SWEET VICTORY! :) I will continue on my journey to my perfect size, please stay tuned. Okay now for the really good news. So my doctor comes in, comments on how good I look (I had to throw that in) and then we do our thang and she says. Oh by the way, when you come in for your appointment in February that's going to be your annual and then if all goes well today you won't have to come back for a year. I asked her to repeat herself b/c I could have sworn she said I wasn't going to have to come back to her office for a year. So she repeated the entire sentence again and my imagination hasn't gotten the best of me I really don't have to go back for a year if all goes well today. SWEET VICTORY SCORE 2!!! Oh yes, maybe this weight loss and abstinence thing (not by choice, his parents are in town) is really working for me. I mean no coffee, no soda, no candy (though I did eat like sheit today, but then I went to the gym and worked my a$$ off for it), and the truth lies in the pants size doesn't it?!?! :) I'm so excited I can't even begin to explain it. Losing weight + No doctor's for a year = Happy Girl. AND to top my evening off, I went over to the house and hung with the parents and mommy dearest and I are actually friendly...this day, this day is ROCKIN. I'm almost sad to go to sleep b/c then this amazing day will be over...sigh...maybe I'll stay up for just a bit longer and try my hand at that crossword I can't seem to solve. VICTORY!!

I Just Don't Belong

Yesterday I attended two baby showers. Both for long time friends, happily married, one planned, one not so planned but still welcomed. The first shower was a bit uncomfortable as I haven't seen the mother-to-be in a while. But it wasn't b/c of her. She and I can see each other once a year and it feels like it was yesterday. It was more the people in attendance. There were a group of ladies sitting with her and I didn't know a one of them. To be honest I only knew her childhood best friend, her sister, and her mother. Now keep in mind there were about 50+ people there. So anyway these ladies were all about my age, but didn't even say hi to me when I introduced myself. I thought maybe she had said something about me, but then I realized it wasn't me, it was what I represented. I was single, young, skinny, and the words marriage and children never escaped my mouth. I think they may have resented me, or, well...I don't know. So off from that shower to another shower I went.

When I arrived at the second shower again I didn't know anyone but the mother-to-be (she moved about a year ago), her sister, and her mother. But the mom-to-be is my lovie and after 10 seconds it felt like I just saw her last week. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but then I met another young lady like myself who didn't really know anyone. So we started chatting and she said something that rang very true with me. We were just talking about the shower and our plans and she says "I'm just not prepared for this, are you?" I chuckled b/c of course I'm not, and I told her that this is about the third time I've had this conversation at a baby shower. So she continues to say "So, is it strange for you?" And I think I said something I've been thinking but never really said out loud. I told her "Its hard because you look around and you realize you just aren't in this stage in your life, you may not be for a while, and you truly just don't belong. But I've been trying really hard to stay good friends and understand their new lives. I'm just not sure they understand my life just isn't the same as theirs. Its really easy to see why people grow apart as the years go on. But please do not feel like you are taking too long or you are missing out, b/c you aren't. We are both just fine, its just that we are on a little bit of a different plan than they are. Take your time, there's no rush!" She smiled, said "Yea, you are right! There is no rush and I don't need to be married or have a child to feel complete!" I smiled, and said "Exactly" then we continue to play "Baby Shower Bingo" and smiled at each other when everyone ooo'ed and ahhh'ed at the gifts that were given because we had no idea why you would be so excited about them.

I'm sorry I thought this was my life?!?!

When you think back a few years, did you assume your life would end up as it is currently laid out? I know I definitely didn't think that I would be so confused about who I'm supposed to make happy with my decisions. All along I thought I was the one who was the main focus of my "happiness", but to my surprise I'm apparently supposed to make everyone else happy as well. See, when it all comes down to it, its not really about whether or not you are happy, its the perception other people have about you and your happiness. We all know where this is stemming from, my relationship of course. To be honest, I'm pretty happy right now. I finally got a little glimpse of commitment for the coming future (not that he ever wasn't fully commited to me, just that I want to know this is for the long-haul), I'm finally getting recognized at work for my dedication and hard work, I'm making headway with his family and I feel like things are really starting to get into place.

Ah yes, you knew the start of a new paragraph was coming didn't you? Apparently I'm so caught up in this situation that I'm not really thinking clearly. Because I'm not thinking clearly individuals are starting to question my ability to make sane decisions. Apparently the best idea would be for me to move 500 miles away, leaving my really good job with a fantastic company, my extremely loving boyfriend, and the network of individuals I've grown to call my friends (as you know I've had some problems establishing a good network of friends here). Apparently my mind is very clouded and unable to decipher between fiction and reality. See, my life is fiction. I live in a world where things are going well, but in reality they are not. Where my relationship makes me happy, when in reality it makes everyone around me miserable. Where my family is my circle of trust, but really I'm pushing them away. Where I attempt to be understanding of a cultural difference and supportive of baby steps, but really I'm just a push over. Where I am not rushing into anything b/c I've seen what that can do to a marriage and a family, when really I'm making excuses. Where I belive what I'm told, when really I'm just being fed lies. Isn't it enlightening when someone lets you in on all of these little secrets? All of this time I've been in the dark and I didn't even have the slightest idea.

So thank you, thank you for shedding some light on my relationship and my life, it truly is wonderful. But I wonder, isn't it strange that you think you know so much about me and what I want and my life here, when you've only come here once or twice. Doesn't that seem a little forward of you to assume such things? I mean I can only speak from experience, but when someone says they aren't ready...they aren't ready. Perhaps before when they said they thought they were it was b/c they were told that this was the right thing, and the way to go, the way it was supposed to happen and I was just settling...I don't know, seems like maybe everyone should take a step back and ask themselves "Am I really worried about Megan's happiness or am I more worried about what would make me and the family happy?" "Am I really looking out for her best interest or am I pushing my thoughts of happiness onto her, even though she may not share the same views?" "Am I really trying to be part of Megan's life or am I viewing this from 10,000 feet without even attempting to get a little closer?" Seems to me if we don't start to see eye-to-eye on this, it could mean then end of an era, don't you?

The 2007 Funk

So, I'm in a funk. I've actually been in a funk for a while (hence the headline) and I can't seem to get myself out of it. My roommate noticed, and called me out on it, my family noticed, and called me out on it, and today my boyfriend noticed, and called me out on it. I'm not the same as I used to be. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders at all times and I'm starting to wonder if its just me...am I making things way more complicated than they need to be? Maybe I just think too much? Maybe I'm over thinking? Maybe, I just need to make some decisions...maybe, all of these maybes could just take a hike for a day or two?!?!

Sadly, gone are the days where I could just blow it all off, have a drink and wait for the next day to arrive. Unfortunately for me, I'm just too grown up for that. But maybe I'm too grownup. I mean everyone around me is so grownup that I've forced myself to become this aging woman. But I'm only 27! No I hear you, its really not that young...believe me, I know. But I just wonder, what if I decided to tell my funk to take a hike. If I told everyone that questions my every move to go take a hike, what if I just said fug it and lived my life by the day and not by the calendar? Would that make it better? I find it highly unlikely.

See, I'm a worrier....my mother is a worrier and its one of the traits I inherited from her. I worry about everything, especially about death. I mean what if I die tomorrow, who will come to my funeral? Believe it or not, I've actually made a list of the individuals I feel would attend (guess what, if you aren't on that list we probably haven't spoken in a while, lol). Isn't that sick? But its real...I'm worried about my job, about my relationship, about my friendships, about my skin, about my clothes, my bank account, my car, my hair, my weight, my parents, my grandmother, my family's health, freak accidents, YOU NAME IT I'M WORRIED ABOUT IT!

But I realize you can't go through your life worrying, so tonight, after a lot of crying and a little bit of Britney Spears (and her very timid comeback) I realized I HAVE to get out of this funk! And the only way I'm going to do it is if I stop worrying about what everyone else thinks, about my next move, about my career, about EVERYTHING and just live. I'm just going to seriously L-I-V-E. But I'm forewarning you, I'm pretty sure "just living" involves a little sky diving!!!

Odd Man Out

Why is it when your friends/family gets married/get into a relationship they can't seem to function without their husband/boyfriend/girlfriend? When I say "I'd love for you to come visit/hang out" I get a response of "We'd love to come!" "We" who? Maybe you misunderstood me, I said "you". "You" is singular, implying one person, it is not "we". See I have no problem hanging out with your significant other, but that wasn't my request. I mean I have a boyfriend and I don't invite him to everything I do with my guy/girlfriends, but maybe they didn't notice. Does something happen that I'm just missing? Is it not important to be your own person any longer or have your own friends? Don't get me wrong, I love most of my friend's husbands/wives/boyfriends/girlfriends but people are different when they are around their significant other. Why is it so wrong with spending quality time with this one person who you have a relationship, you know, you love and not have their significant other in tow?

At one point I was flattered that I was "sooo cool!" that the significant other WANTED to come and hang out with me...but then I realized....it had nothing to do with me. It was at the request of their wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend. They didn't want to go alone. Are our lives so different that you don't feel comfortable around me without them? Am I so strange that you can't be the person I grew to love without your partner? I find this very hard to believe. So, I've made a conscious effort to be Megan at all times and I hope I'm doing a good job (I know I get lost every now and then, I'm sorry I usually come out of hiding don't I?), I just want the same from my friends. Just be you around me, just you and me. Maybe I'm just at a different point in my life. Maybe I'm too independent..maybe I've just changed. I'm not sure, but I am sure of this, the next I am say "Let's go grab a drink" if you answer "What time should we be there?" I'm going to hang up on you!

Life is happening all around me, except TO me

So I've been talking to various people around me regarding the fact that it appears that life is happening for everyone but me. Is it just me or is every single person you know moving to a "new stage" in their life? Yea..I'm not by the way. I just celebrated my 27th birthday about two weeks ago. This was kinda scary, I mean I wasn't affected by the previous birthdays so what was the big deal about this one? I'm not sure but I'll tell you what, it wasn't pretty the little scenarios I made up in big old head of mine. I seriously convinced myself that I was going to be the lady who goes to her reunion and you just know the minute she walks in the door that one she is not married, second, she then clearly has no children, C, she has no plans of getting married but not by her choice, and lastly she definitely has cats...yes plural, more than one and these are her companions. Not only did I decide this I also decided that in order to get things moving I needed to get moving. Maybe I needed a new job (not that there was anything wrong with mine, well maybe a few things, but hey its a really good job!), a new life, a new location, and a new wardrobe (okay maybe that is pretty standard for me, but I've really been trying lately to cap the spending in the style category). But then a funny thing happened, I went to Virginia Beach and realized I didn't need to any of these things. Just like the quote from My So Called Life - "But there are sometimes in my life where being me, right now, where I am, is just like, enough", right now was, no IS enough for me. I think maybe it takes just a little dose of my mother, a dance party in my best friend's kitchen, and a 4 hour drive with Jack talking about my family to realize that I'm doing pretty damn good and what's my big rush? I mean this entire city is filled with people in a hurry. I just haven't figured out why they are in such a hurry...where are they going?...is it really that important?...can't it wait just 60 seconds for that red light they just ran?...such a big hurry and such a short life we live. So, to make a long story short (ha, like I can do that), I'm going to quote Angela (Claire Danes) and say "...there are sometimes in my life where being me, right now, where I am, is just like, enough. "