Judy with the Big Booty

Top Seven Reasons You Should NEVER Enter the Corporate World:

7. No one ever looks like those stock photos (such as the one to the left). Their hair is usually a hot mess, their clothes are three+ seasons old, and their shoes are just horrid. Most of the time they just suck at life and won't even say "Hi" in the elevator. Once you get into the thousands (of employees) its absolutely impossible to have all sane, competent, and socially accepted individuals.

6. If you are strictly interested in doing your job, forget it. You are expected to do a lot more than your job like say for instance other people's jobs as well. B/c lets be real most people are skating by and its working for everyone except you.

5. Do you like going on vacation or taking days off? Well then corporate America ain't for you my friend. If you're lucky you'll get about 3 weeks off a year. And if you're even luckier, your job will actually let you take those three weeks without making you feel like a total asshole for doing so.

4. One word, politics. If you thought this only existed in American government you are highly mistaken my friend. Corporate America's politics are BRU-TAL. The Good Ole Boys only let a few people in a year. Good luck with that if you have a vag.

3. The IT helpdesk is less than helpful. Same story every place you go "Our IT department is the worst!" Most of the "IT" people know nothing about actual networking or PC configurations, they are more focused on gate keeping. They make sure you don't visit any sites you aren't supposed to, change your password every 6 weeks, and god for bid you access personal email on company time (THIS SITE IS BLOCKED!!!). What do you mean your Outlook is auto-archiving? What do you mean you keep getting a blue screen? That's not their problem, I'm sure you could Google it and find the answer quicker than they could, so give it a whirl.

2. Reactive instead of proactive is the name of the game. Look forward? Plan for the future? Be ahead of the curve. Where do you think you're working, Google??? Get a hold of yourself!

DRUM ROLL PLEASE.....

1. Cube farms are really torture chambers. I'd love to meet that guy who introduced corporate America to the cube farm and kick him in his chode. I mean where else could you be 10 inches from the person you despise most in the world? You can hear their every move (including farting), conversations (especially on speakerphone), and I'm fairly certain you'll know all about their cat "Mister Furrybutt" by the end of your first day.

Yes I did only do seven reasons, and yes I am aware that's pathetic, and yes I know that its a little unorthodox, and yes I know that I'm not funny today. I'm having a hard time coming back from vacay. Do you have three more that are better or apply across the board? Yea, send 'em my way, would love to take a looksie.

Just Call Me the Purger

I'm not sure what happened to me but for those of you who knew me as a child and teenager I was messy. So messy in fact that I would have copious amounts of crap on my bed so I would make a spot for myself on the floor, and sleep there. It was ridiculous and I'm stunned my family allowed me participate in such ridiculous behavior. Actually I'm not all that stunned now that I know what I know. While I was in college I had to live in 400 square feet with two other people. I quickly realized that being messy was a bitch, it just couldn't happen, and if you were messy we were going to have prollll'lems. So I became a neat freak. I mean like NEAT FREAK. No surface went untouched, no closet went without cleaning, I was a machine when it came to being clean and tidy. The smell of bleach brought the biggest smile to my face. Seeing those tub tiles sparkle a little brought a happy little gleam to my eye. Who the feck was I? Who had I become? I had become THE CLEANING MONSTER.

Truth be told, being a clean/neat freak is not something that I learned from my parents. In preparation for family visiting and staying with my parents over the summer months, I put a plan into action for my their house. I wanted to help my parents fit all of their children and their children's children in a four-bedroom house for a fun-filled family visit. Its quite simple you see. You put a queen bed in one of the rooms, a queen sleeper sofa in the office, you make an office, and place bunk beds or two twin beds in the third room. Easy peasy. Right? DEAD WRONG SMART ASS.

So Coal Miner and I decide to make a visit to the 757 to assist my mother and father with this apparently extremely daunting and tiring task (my mother's exact words). I wanted to start out slow. Ease my parents into my purging. By now you probably know that I don't keep things very long. If I haven't worn it in about 9 months its going to Goodwill. I don't care how much it costs, if its ugly, its ugly and a fact is a fact. Goodwill bound. Just because a celebrity wore it or a rich person gave it to you, doesn't make it okay to keep b/c well, it sucks. Goodwill bound. Yea it didn't work out as planned. Each item I picked up to put in our various Goodwill bags was a battle. I received responses like: "Someone might want that.", "I paid a lot of money for that.", "That's really nice! I might use that one day.", "I fit in that a few years back, I'll fit into it again.", "I don't have any clothes in these 5 closets, you can't give those away!" "Mom mother paid a lot of money for that and gave it to me. Now, I don't use it, but that doesn't matter, put it back." The battle itself was so exhausting that I wanted nothing more than to do manual labor for 12 hours straight. Seriously, I would have paid to switch places with the Mexicans waiting for the paint trucks to pick them up at 7-11 on Little River Turnpike. How sad is that? Coal Miner started punching the air in the living room (true story based on fact).

In two hours I filled 7 bags with clothing. Yep you read that right. And that was only the start.

I love my parents, but I'm convinced after this little visit that they might be on the brink of hoarding. I'm going to try and convince my sisters to call A&E with me and stage an intervention. It will be like Intervention and Hoarders combined. If you don't' know what I'm talking about you need to do yourself a favor and watch these two shows on A&E. Intervention for one makes me feel really good about myself b/c I'm really glad I'm not a crack head, its so unbecoming (side note: my parents aren't crack heads either, but it would be a hoarding intervention b/c I'm fairly certain my mother is addicted to shopping). It also saddens me deeply b/c its a vicious cycle that really is difficult to break and most often just ends with (SPOILER ALERT FOR ALL SHOWS) a relapse. Hoarders, well...*sighing right now*. How people can be so mentally unstable to live in the conditions they do is beyond me. I mean I want to shake the shit out of them, but they wouldn't even care b/c most of them actually shit on their own floors (or in bags). Its foul, but its eye opening. Do it, go watch them. Do it now, I'm waiting. You can watch them online. Really, you can thank me later.

I've gone off topic haven't I? I have a tendency to do that, did you notice? I went down for the July 4th holiday and I have to say I actually didn't feel as crammed like sardines as I usually do. I don't know if its b/c Coal Miner and I slept in twin beds (I still laugh at this regularly) and had a lot of room for our stuff in my old bedroom, or if it was because I was just so happy to be home, with my family, having a blast. But it was roomier, none the less. It really isn't as bad as I make it sound, but if you are a neat freak like me, entering the front doors is like a panic attack waiting to happen. At any rate my mother would be mortified if she found out that I was blogging about this, so do me a favor and keep it to yourself interwebs.

Woah Horsey!

I think everyone has days that you wish would just end right? Like Mondays. Most Mondays are horrid. They drag ass. They are a reminder of why you wish you were a self-made millionaire or maybe just a heir to someones fortune. The bring the constant reminder that you will always be tied to a desk. Sigh. But today, I had a moment. A moment where I started realizing I was wishing my days away. I wish away the week so I can get to the weekend. But in the process of doing that I'm wishing my life away. Each night Coal Miner and I get about 2 - 3 hours together. Then its time to hit the sack and do it all again. I spend most of my days commuting to/from my office and working my tail off while I'm there. While that isn't the ideal scenario, I shouldn't be wishing my days away. What if something terrible were to happen tomorrow? What if I never got that day back? I notice each day a new gray hair, another line in my face, an extra pound I can't explain. I'm getting older. And that's a hard pill to swallow.

I don't want to get to get older. I don't want gray hair. I don't want sagging skin. I don't want to be old. I was at CVS on Thursday and an elderly man was picking up his prescriptions. He could barely walk, was hunched over, had a brown bag filled with multiple prescriptions, he looked miserable. I don't want that for myself or for anyone I love. Getting older sucks. And here I am wishing all of my days away and getting older each time I wish one of them gone.

Do you wish your days away? I think most people are guilty of that. I realize when people tell me "You two have a whole lifetime together" that we do, but what if we don't? What if its all taken from me and I didn't do my damnedest to make sure I reveled in every moment of it? I wonder if maybe I chose a path for myself that I can't escape. The money, the cars, the house, the nice things. While I say I'd be happier with a simpler life, would I? Or would I long for all these "things" once I gave them up?

I know I'm young enough that I can stop at any moment. I can say feck it and move where ever I want. Yes, there are going to be consequences, some that aren't going to be pleasant, but that option is always there. Am I afraid of doing that? Am I afraid of not having these things?

All I know is I can't wish my days away any longer. And I want you to be sure you don't either.

Homeless People Used to Love Me. Apparently Not Anymore.

Today I was walking to lunch by myself. If you know me, you know I work in Tenleytown and there was an armed robbery at the Capital One in my building yesterday. You'd also know that they did not tell us this and we had to find out about it on the radio this morning. Thanks paycheck place. So anyway, as I'm walking past the McDonald's I see what appears to be a $50 bill on the ground. I stop, look around, no one seems to be missing anything, so I bend down and pick it up. I then realize its two $50 bills. Again, holding the two $50 bills in the tips of my fingers, look around to see if anyone is missing $100 and has just now noticed. Again, no one seems to flinch. So I take one more look around, and when I get back facing front a homeless man is about two feet from me. He snatches the two $50 bills out my hands, and runs away screaming "HA HA HA HA I GOT IT BITCH! I GOT IT! YOU DUMB! YOU SO DUMB!" I just stand there. People continue to pass by me, no one says anything, until I hear this cackling. I look over, and sitting under the awning at the McDonald's another homeless gentleman is laughing. We make eye contact, and in his scruffy voice he says "You just got Punk'd lady. He stole your money. That shit is funny!" I'm still standing in the same spot. The homeless guy has stopped running and is currently waving the money in the air jumping up and down and laughing at me. I think I just got robbed, with someone else's money, by a homeless man. End of story.

Women Should Help Women. End of Story.

I'm a firm believer in helping others. Whether I know you or not. If you are in a pinch, I'll most likely help out. Its just something my parents taught me and I hope to teach my children one day as well. I apply the same principle when it comes to my career. I find that by helping others you really do end up furthering your own career by teaching yourself and others at the same. I'm particularly interested in helping my female colleagues move up the food chain. Recently I've noticed that sentiment really isn't shared by most women here at the paycheck place. I'm always open to offer my assistance, my feedback, and a helping hand to the my female counterparts. It appears a large number of them aren't willing to do the same. It got me thinking...why is that?

I went back in my mind to my first job out of college. I worked for a major rental car company who promised me the world. I was working 14 hour days, in the rain, sleet or snow (my hair actually froze on several occasions), for $10/hour, in DC. I was cleaning cars, risking my life driving around in the snow, being verbally abused by customers, all while my female boss stood by and said "I need more from you Megan. More hours, more smiles, more sales. Just, MORE!" She offered me no assistance on how to fulfill these goals she had set for me and when I told her that I wasn't happy and was thinking about finding another job, she laughed. She told me most women weren't cut off for this line of work. But she was, she was making it, and I, well I was just another "girl who can't handle the pressure." She set the tone for the next decade of my life.

Since then I've had over 6 female bosses, with only one of them devoting the time and effort towards mentoring me. I still keep in touch with her, mostly b/c I would give anything to work for her again. She was calm, courageous, outspoken, and smart. Above all, she was genuinely interested in allowing me to flourish in my career.

I've had two male bosses in the past 3 years, they both got me promoted (two promotions, two different bosses). I don't even think I need to say anything more. Why ladies? Why? Do we do it to ourselves? I think so. We are the demise of our own gender. That glass ceiling is still there and if you think it isn't, you are highly mistaken. Each day I watch the good ole boys walk down these hallways. They still run shit. They will continue to run shit. Unless we band together. Why don't you want to see your fellow ladies kick ass and take names? I envision a woman running this great nation. Displaying grace, instilling values, extending the olive branch, all while decreasing our debt, keeping social security alive, and creating balance. We do this at home everyday, why can't we do it for the country as well?

I know I may seem like I'm on a "WOMAN POWER" rant right now. That's not the intention. I want you to really take a look, as a female, at the women around you. Are you ensuring that we all get to the top. If you go, will you take them with you? Are you still stabbing women in the back, years after you've left your childhood behind? Do you realize how powerful women really are, and could continue to be? I have so many girlfriends who are killing it at work right now. I want nothing more than to see you have it all. You'll get there, I'm certain of it. Just promise me when you do, you'll another female that opportunity. Promise me you'll go out of your way to enrich the career of another female. How could you not? We owe it to ourselves ladies. We are the only way.