Friday, September 9, 2011

Families are a Shit Show [Wedding Rant]

I've been planning a wedding if I haven't mentioned it 400 times. Want to know my biggest stress? Family. On both sides. If it ain't one thing its another. I love them dearly, but they are driving my ass insane. I'm a pretty laid back chick...laid back has now taken a back seat to bitchy chick. My blog is my only place to openly vent. So if you find yourself saying "hmmm is she talking about me here?" well I probably am, but don't take offense! If I didn't love you, I wouldn't talk about you. Smoochie Poochie, loves and hugs!!!! <-- just preparing you in case I offend you...

Why is it so hard to mail back an RSVP that was already addressed and stamped for you? I mean I gave you the envelope, with my address printed on it and a stamp. Additionally I gave you a nifty card to check yes or no as to whether or not you'd be attending the festivities. That seems fairly simple to me. If I get one more phone call that says "So and so is coming to the wedding. We just spoke to them on the phone." Ohhh really? You spoke to them on the phone and they confirmed their attendance did they? Could that be because its awkward to be on the phone with someone who is related to you and say "Why actually I don't really feel like driving 5 hours to see your kid get married. I'm really not all that interested."? I think that might be part of it. While you were talking to them did you happen to ask them why they were so busy and couldn't mail back that crazy simple RSVP?

This is me and Coal Miner's wedding. Its not a party. Also, in case you forgot, we're paying for this "party." This better be one great ferkin party b/c its the most expensive party I've ever hosted in my life (and probably will ever host). I mean this "party" is costing us more than the average American makes in one year. Sweet mother of all things holy!!! So stop inviting people we've never heard of, who are twice removed on the third side of the family, and who I haven't seen in 10 years b/c they fail to keep in touch with our family. That's another head count I could really do without paying for, jussayin.

I like my centerpieces. I really don't give a shit that you went to a wedding two weeks ago and they had the most amazing centerpieces. I saw a picture and I thought they were fuktarded. I'm sorry, I did. It ain't my steeze. So, stop bringing it up. And quite frankly it pretty much looks like every other wedding I've been to, and if you haven't notice I haven't exactly been planning/decorating my wedding like every other wedding you've attended. Additionally, I don't have an extra $2,000 to spend on flowers mostly b/c I'm already spending enough on stupid flowers that die the next day. And lastly, I have pretty awesome taste when it comes to decorating (you mention this to me each time you enter my home) so trust me, its going to look good even if you "can't really visualize what it is I am [you are] trying to accomplish."

I don't have the day-of agenda yet. My wedding is 37 days away. I really haven't quite had the chance to sit down and write an agenda for you yet. Don't worry, I will. But at 37 days I'm really trying to focus on getting everything together (meaning decorations and last minute preparation) before I have a nervous breakdown. So if you ask me one more time what time you have to be there, I'm going to kick you in your shins. Let's just plan on reserving those two days. Is that too much to ask?

Please don't be psycho, that's reserved for me as the bride. I thought I was the one who was supposed to go all postal on people during this time. Not anyone else from the family. WTF? Who gave you the green light to get all frak nasty and spew venom on a weekly basis? You chill the eff out, ain't no one here gonna get frak nasty except me. YOU HEAR THAT? Simma down now.

Just buy the shoes. I'm sorry you don't really wear 4 inch heels. Its for like 2 hours and I'm giving you flip flops. Deal with it. Plus you really should start wearing heels. They make your legs look sexy and we are fairly short people so they give us a little edge in the height department. Additionally women who wear big ass heels are also seen as power figures. So really, I'm doing you a favor. (you like that spin I just threw on that? BOOM!)

Word to the wise, should you be planning a wedding anytime soon (and I know a lot of you ladies are), prepare thyself for the family drama. Also, hire a wedding planner and have a destination wedding. Make your life easier and then let me live vicariously through you. Done and done.

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