You're a Skank. True Story, Based on Facts.

Coal Miner and I just got back from our honeymoon.  Yea, I got married up while I've been on this little blog hiatus.  It was pretty awesome.  We were in Cabo.  I'd like to go back.  Like now.  But I guess I need to work to pay the bills to go back to Cabo huh? 

At any rate, while we were honeymooning we had some of the best discussions.  One of my favorites was about his time as a single guy and how the ladies he met behaved within the first 4 hours of meeting him. 

I hear time and time again that ladies in the DC area can't figure out why they can't find a good guy or why they are still single.  After listening to Coal Miner's stories (and a new little gem of a story from one of his friends this weekend) it really isn't all that hard to understand.  Young women these days are a skank fest.  Let's begin with some examples (you KNOW I love providing real life examples). 

Coal Miner used to frequent Union Jacks in ARL quite often.  Apparently this place has been dubbed "the bar to find whores" (dubbed by me of course) due to the numerous stories I've been told about ladies shamelessly throwing themselves at men.

For instance, Coal Miner informed me that one time, while standing at the bar, minding his own business, a young lady walked up to him and grabbed his junk.  She stood there with her hand over his junk, and asked him if he was going to buy her a drink.  She then proceeded to rub his junk while she drank her beer and then asked Coal Miner if he was planning to take her home or what.  He, of course, could not refuse such an easy offer so he obliged, took the young lady home, did the deed, and left.  Wow.

Another story I was told was from this weekend.  One of Coal Miner's friends was at Union Jacks (surprise!) and a young lady started chatting it up with him.  She was all flirty and rubby McRubberson, dirty dancing, getting wasted, you know the deal.  Then she introduced him to her roommate.  Her roommate began to get tipsy and rub his friends junk and look over at her roommate and make all "yay" type faces.  He was convinced he was getting a menag out of the situation.  Closing time - the first girl invites him back to their place.  He does the deed with the first girl, while the other girl is in the shower.  He then exits the apartment, gets downstairs, and the other girl yells out the window for him to come back upstairs.  When he does, she is there, naked, hops on him and starts making out with him, giving him a handy, doing a beejee.  Wow.

So ladies, let me just give you a quick tip from the non-whore handbook.  If you really do want to find someone to be with, and aren't interested in being a skank, stop acting like a skank.  Stop sleeping with guys within the first 4 hours of meeting them.  Stop giving them bj's within the first 4 hours of meeting them.  For God's sake just stop!  You give all of us a bad name.  And quite honestly I would have no interest in having a relationship with you if you blew me on the first date or had sex with me on the first date.  Stop being a skank and you may just find that guys want you even more.  Worked on Coal Miner, and from what I hear, works on most other guys as well.  True story, based on facts.

Families are a Shit Show [Wedding Rant]

I've been planning a wedding if I haven't mentioned it 400 times. Want to know my biggest stress? Family. On both sides. If it ain't one thing its another. I love them dearly, but they are driving my ass insane. I'm a pretty laid back chick...laid back has now taken a back seat to bitchy chick. My blog is my only place to openly vent. So if you find yourself saying "hmmm is she talking about me here?" well I probably am, but don't take offense! If I didn't love you, I wouldn't talk about you. Smoochie Poochie, loves and hugs!!!! <-- just preparing you in case I offend you...

Why is it so hard to mail back an RSVP that was already addressed and stamped for you? I mean I gave you the envelope, with my address printed on it and a stamp. Additionally I gave you a nifty card to check yes or no as to whether or not you'd be attending the festivities. That seems fairly simple to me. If I get one more phone call that says "So and so is coming to the wedding. We just spoke to them on the phone." Ohhh really? You spoke to them on the phone and they confirmed their attendance did they? Could that be because its awkward to be on the phone with someone who is related to you and say "Why actually I don't really feel like driving 5 hours to see your kid get married. I'm really not all that interested."? I think that might be part of it. While you were talking to them did you happen to ask them why they were so busy and couldn't mail back that crazy simple RSVP?

This is me and Coal Miner's wedding. Its not a party. Also, in case you forgot, we're paying for this "party." This better be one great ferkin party b/c its the most expensive party I've ever hosted in my life (and probably will ever host). I mean this "party" is costing us more than the average American makes in one year. Sweet mother of all things holy!!! So stop inviting people we've never heard of, who are twice removed on the third side of the family, and who I haven't seen in 10 years b/c they fail to keep in touch with our family. That's another head count I could really do without paying for, jussayin.

I like my centerpieces. I really don't give a shit that you went to a wedding two weeks ago and they had the most amazing centerpieces. I saw a picture and I thought they were fuktarded. I'm sorry, I did. It ain't my steeze. So, stop bringing it up. And quite frankly it pretty much looks like every other wedding I've been to, and if you haven't notice I haven't exactly been planning/decorating my wedding like every other wedding you've attended. Additionally, I don't have an extra $2,000 to spend on flowers mostly b/c I'm already spending enough on stupid flowers that die the next day. And lastly, I have pretty awesome taste when it comes to decorating (you mention this to me each time you enter my home) so trust me, its going to look good even if you "can't really visualize what it is I am [you are] trying to accomplish."

I don't have the day-of agenda yet. My wedding is 37 days away. I really haven't quite had the chance to sit down and write an agenda for you yet. Don't worry, I will. But at 37 days I'm really trying to focus on getting everything together (meaning decorations and last minute preparation) before I have a nervous breakdown. So if you ask me one more time what time you have to be there, I'm going to kick you in your shins. Let's just plan on reserving those two days. Is that too much to ask?

Please don't be psycho, that's reserved for me as the bride. I thought I was the one who was supposed to go all postal on people during this time. Not anyone else from the family. WTF? Who gave you the green light to get all frak nasty and spew venom on a weekly basis? You chill the eff out, ain't no one here gonna get frak nasty except me. YOU HEAR THAT? Simma down now.

Just buy the shoes. I'm sorry you don't really wear 4 inch heels. Its for like 2 hours and I'm giving you flip flops. Deal with it. Plus you really should start wearing heels. They make your legs look sexy and we are fairly short people so they give us a little edge in the height department. Additionally women who wear big ass heels are also seen as power figures. So really, I'm doing you a favor. (you like that spin I just threw on that? BOOM!)

Word to the wise, should you be planning a wedding anytime soon (and I know a lot of you ladies are), prepare thyself for the family drama. Also, hire a wedding planner and have a destination wedding. Make your life easier and then let me live vicariously through you. Done and done.

Yea Imma Do That Before Kiddos

News update - I'm getting married in 39 days. How da hail did that happen? 4 weeks? Sweet mother of all things holy I've got a sh!t load to do before the big day. That being said, here's a list of the Top 10 things I've decided that Coal Miner and I will hopefully take part in prior to me getting knocked up.

1. Go Skydiving - Fairly certain my mother would kick my a$$ if I went skydiving and I had a child. Mostly because I'm a little accident prone and she thinks I'm highly inclined to kill myself. You can't do that if you have kids. You have to be all responsible and stuff. So I need to jump out of a plane with a quickness.

2. Go Whitewater Rafting - see number one. And yes I can't believe I haven't done this at this point in my life either.

3. Do a triathlon - training for a triathlon is difficult, time consuming, and daunting when your single. I can't imagine what it would be like with a child. The thought of that actually makes me shudder.

4. Have sex in every room in the house...again...may times - Gone will be the days of getting in on where ever we feel like it. We better make the most of it and bang it out on the kitchen floor again.

5. Set my sights on that Director spot - I should probably start aiming a little higher than I have been in the past 3 months b/c I haven't thought once about getting promoted recently. Hey I've been planning my wedding and doing a full-time job so you STFU. I'm totally allowed to be a slacker right now.

6. Go to Bora Bora - I've said this once, imma say it again - my ass is going to Bora Bora before I push a kid out my vag.

7. Listen to awful dirty music in the car, at very high volumes - I'll probably be the parent whose daughter sings Britney Spears and Lady Gaga, but I try and think highly of myself at times. I try and think I'll be good and only listen to the Christian channel or talk radio when rugrats are present. If that really is the case then I'm going to blast BritBrit on the way home. Sing my little heart out. Repeat ever dirty word she says. And then sing it again. Rock on!

8. Go on a road trip - I've been in the car with my nieces and nephews. I love them. I do. But the constant talking, the cartoons, the "I've gotta pee"s, the fighting, the crying, the screaming. And that's only been for like 30 minutes in a car. I don't even want to start to envision a 10 hour drive to Florida for our family vacation. It just sounds like a beta blocker and glass of wine moment.

9. Snuggle more - I'm so exhausted lately that I just kind of go with the flow. Wake up, go to work, go running, eat some dinner, go to bed. I hardly ever think about snuggling up to Coal Miner without any interruptions. I shall do that this evening.

10. Get married - Yea I should probably get through my wedding before I start making these kinds of lists huh? Speaking of that wedding, its really starting to become a drag planning this thing. I should have just ponied up the $7k and hired a wedding planner. WTF was I thinking?!?!?

Yea, You Aren't a Celebrity.

 

There's been a recent outbreak of engagements! At least one every other week or two. It’s kind of insane. I'm all about people getting married, but lets make sure we are getting married for the right reasons and not just b/c everyone else is doing it (or because someone gave you an ultimatum). Maybe I'm only noticing b/c I'm engaged, but it’s a little bizarre. Since Coal Miner and I got engaged in October there have been 8+ new engagements. That's a lot, dontcha think? Just seems a little weird to me.

CM and I set out to plan our bachelor/ette parties a few months ago. My MOHs are planning mine, and CM's brother is planning his (God help us all, this kid thinks money grows on trees since he doesn't have to make his own). I like to think of myself as a thoughtful person (most of the time). I was really concerned with the expense of my bachelorette party (as was CM). My MOHs wanted to go to Miami, the Keys, or NYC. But once we started adding all of that up, it just seemed like it was a bit excessive to ask my friends and family to spend $900+ on my bachelorette weekend. Never mind the fact that they would also have to take off work. So if you start adding the expense for my bachelorette party, bridal showers, and the wedding itself (dress, shoes, hotel, hair/makeup), it's a little much. So I went the inexpensive yet fun route. You can't go wrong with going to the beach can you?

But recently I've started hearing all of these newly engaged folks talking about their bachelor/ette parties and it’s pretty amusing. Vegas. Paris. Italy. Really? A $1k/night suite for 4 nights? A table at Tao? Take a week off of work? They have to pay for your room? Maybe part of your airfare? Really? I'm sorry I think you may have confused yourself with Kim Kardashian. Baby girl you ain't got her butt and you sure as shit aren't starring in homemade porn with Ray J, so maybe you should layoff the baller mentality and snap back into reality. Perhaps be a little less selfish and start being a little more selfless. Think about the big picture and the costs that your wedding party is incurring. Because when it comes time for one of your friends to get married I bet you aren't going to be so excited about using your limited vacay and hard earned cash to go on some last minute getaway to celebrate the fact that someone is mourning their last days being single. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of marriage anyway? Who the eff is sad about getting married? You definitely shouldn't be getting married if that's the case. And if you want to go on vacation with your girlfriends, plan a little girls trip. Don't use your wedding as an excuse to get people to pay for your vacation. You just look like cheap ass with a princess complex to me.

I know people are going to say I'm jealous. I'm not jealous. I've got the funds. I've got the vacation. I just don't have the balls to be that selfish. I'm convinced that my friends/family will thank me for that little gem when it’s all said and done.

Like Sands Through The Hour Glass...

I made the mistake of signing up for this wedding website. Who am I fooling I signed up for like three. Anyway, I was excited, I just got engaged, I wanted to grab the bull by the horns. Little did I know that these online tools would drive me to insanity. No one warned me not to sign up for these "helpful online solutions" (yea it actually said that) b/c they are in fact not helpful in the least. They are stressful as shit. I don't know if you've used these little gems (TheKnot.com, WeddingDay.com, etc) but those assholes do a daily/weekly/monthly countdown of where you are and how far behind schedule you are currently running. I shit you not, the day I signed up for TheKnot.com I was 96 tasks behind schedule. How the f is that even possible? I mean at that point I hadn't even set my wedding date yet. Literally that thing sent me an email every single day adding another task to my overdue list, creating one small heart palpitation at a time.

I decided I by no means needed a daily reminder, so I changed it to weekly, that should help right? WRONG BITCH! It only made it worse. So instead of one a time, they were added 7 at a time. Sweet jezus in the morning. I abandoned ship. I went to WeddingDay.com. I figured they couldn't be as bad as TheKnot.com b/c they were run by David's Bridal. And lets speak on the real here, David's is a little ghetto. So my boushie ass thought if I went a little ghetto I wouldn't be so high strung. WRONG AGAIN! If this thing sends me another email telling me how behind schedule I am and how little time I have until my wedding ("Megan, there are only 9 months, 1 week, and 1 day until your wedding!" <-- got that this morning) I will definitely become bridezilla.

I'm a project manager for Christ's sake. I'm one of the most organized people I know. And on the mornings I get those effing emails I literally scream at my iPhone "BITCH! You don't know my life!" I then start to panic that I'm never going to have enough time to plan my wedding. I call Coal Miner and whimper about my "extremely busy life" and mumble something about "not enough time, not enough time". Then I sigh loudly. He consoles me, tells me to calm down, explains I still have 9 months, 1 week, and 1 day until the wedding. I feel better. I hang up, then I get another email from another one of those sites and the evil cycle starts again. EFFFF YOOOUUUU WEDDING SITE!

Okay I'm done now. Moral of the story: should you happen to be getting married anytime soon DON'T SIGN UP FOR ANYTHING. Beeeleeee me, your life will be better off (not to mention your sanity and your fiance).