What I Learned at Work Lately

So I thought maybe I would just throw out some of the tid bits of advice I've been offered over the past few months by various individuals throughout my company. I laugh on a daily basis at work b/c I swear the lawrd above you cannot make this ish up. They definitely get material for the show "The Office" straight from my lovely corporate job.

1. Don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt - "I used to believe in this principle until I was thrown under the bus so many times I can no longer count it on both my hands and toes. Don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt, they'll just *beep* you later on." - My Very Pissed Colleague
   
2. Don't state the facts - "I know you are a blunt person and you are very fact-based, but sometimes the facts need to be smoothed over...you know what I mean? A little sugar-coating never hurt anyone. And I know you are about to say that's lying, but its not...its just....smoothing over the not so great parts." - My Director
   
3. Dance the dance - "See people here like to dance the dance. And well, you just aren't dancing. If you want to be a VP you are going to have to dance the dance. So put on your most comfortable shoes girl and get started!" - My Former Vice President
   
4. Meet about Meetings - "I get that you think its ridiculous to meet about a meeting, but we need to prepare for the meeting where we plan to discuss the upcoming meeting. I just don't think its smart for us to go to this meeting without any meetings under our belt." - Unnamed Director
   
5. Never say you don't know the answer - "Even if you don't know the answer, never ever say that you don't actually know the answer. See if you can spin it so that you can answer their question with a question. Or just skirt around the actual question. Works every time. No one can know that you don't actually know the answer." - Someone I accused of not knowing the answer
   
6. Email at midnight for respect - "Yea sometimes I'll log in right before I go to bed and send an email, just so people think that I was working super late into the night. No, I'm serious it really works people think I'm like killing myself over here. Also, I just like to check my email before I go to bed, there's something so soothing about it." - A former colleague who was "laid-off"
   
7. Know just enough to get ahead- "Well the real secret is to delegate all of the work you have and then have a download session with the individual completing the work. That way you are informed about what's taking place and when, plus you seem to be an authority on the subject but can defer to someone else if you don't know all of the nitty gritty details. That also means that you are "people managing"." -A People Manager
   
8. Promotions = time endured, NOT performance - "She has been here for like 20 years. I mean I think she definitely deserves to be promoted. If you've been here that long what else are they supposed to do? Sure she doesn't know a thing about Marketing, but I mean 20 years...seriously 20 years, she deserves it working at this place for 20 years." - I don't even remember but its ridiculous none the less
   
9. Your Job Title is irrelevant- "Your title doesn't necessarily reflect what you do. Please note that titles and job descriptions are "best fits"."- My HR Rep
   
10. Meet the quota - "Do you guys have anyone who is female or of non-Caucasian descent? We really need to select some minorities to meet the quota we have to fill." -The Procurement Team