Thursday, October 8, 2009

Am Not! Are Too! Am Not!

Apparently I shouldn't be blogging at work. Actually this is just what my mother says and my mother has said some other truly ridiculous things throughout my life so I can't say that I am really going to listen to her on this front either. Like for instance my mother used to tell me that I couldn't possibly leave the house without my lipstick applied. To this day I do not wear lipstick. I wear lip gloss, but not lipstick. My mother on the other hand wears this bright ass pink lipstick. Like I swear she's competing with Gwen Stefani in a lip stain tournament You can see her lips coming from like a mile away. Its horrid. I've tried to get her to change it but she swears "the lady at the Lancôme counter said this was the best color for me!" I always follow that up with "Mother have you seen the ladies' makeup at the Lancôme counter? I'm certain they take tips from the ladies who have a "night job" (using my air quotes) on 16th street." She proceeds to tells me I very wrong, how the color is perfect for her, and continues applying copious amounts of that fugly color to her very small and thin lips. SMH.

I've never really understood this whole "never leave home without lipstick on" statement anyway b/c if I'm not wearing lipstick and I meet say a hot guy or a top modeling agency who wants to book me immediately (please keep in mind that I'm 5'4) is the fact that I'm not wearing lipstick really going to deter either or these people from glancing in my direction? I think I'm pretty hot without lipstick on and honestly I feel like an old granny when I wear it, mostly b/c I'm not really good at picking colors for myself and I hate lip liner and I used to wear it when I was go-go dancing (no, not like stripping, I was one of those chicks at the club who dances on boxes...did your nipples just get hard? I thought so). So yea, lipstick, not my thing.

You know another thing my mother used to say? She used to tell me that it was completely acceptable to date 5 - 6 men at a time. Ummm Mom, are you trying to make me a slut? I mean I think I got the slut thing down on my own without my mother's influence, but still, come on lady! I used to tell her that it was too stressful and I couldn't possibly keep all of the conversations (let alone hookups (no, I did not share this with her)) straight. But she is such a nag. She would totally be disappointed when I would be exclusive with someone. I still think she finds its ridiculous I'm only dating one guy. I mean at some point I need to get married right? Dating multiple men isn't going to help me on that front Mother. I'll just get used to getting laid by all walks of life and possibly get attached to one in particular who will have a larger than life member and will probably be less than fantastic for me.  Oh wait that's right, I already did that, and he was married.  NICE.  But just for the record, I didn't know that he was married.  He lied, and his wife was living in Canada.  I mean how the hell was I supposed to know he was married?  He didn't wear a ring, he had no pictures up in his house, I spent 3+ months with this dude, at his house, really who the hell could of known that?  Which by the way totally pisses me off b/c that makes me a "home wrecker" and I didn't even set out to be one.  Great, I just got disgusted with myself all over again and it isn't even my fault.  Whoa tangent! Back on track Megan, back on track please.

Anyway, moral of this little line my mother used to feed me is that I'm not a good "playa". I like being with one person, so my mother needs to slow her roll. However she seems to be really excited about Coal Miner, which is good b/c he is like the sweetest effing guy ever, and he's kind of dreamy, and I'm totally gey for him, and really enjoying our extracurricular activities if you know what I mean *wink wink*.

Oh and check this out, here's another new one she's come up with "You have to try the bike out before you buy it." WHOA SHIRLEY (that's my mother's name and I occasionally, okay most of the time, call her by her first name)!!! I think Shirley has started to realize that I won't be a happy girl unless I've tried out the goods prior to marrying said goods. She is really starting to get with the program in her older and wiser years. Before it was all "Megan, why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?" and "Megan, I can't believe you!" or "Megan, I don't need to know about your little sexual escapades." But now, now I think she secretly wants to know. Its become blatantly obvious over the past two years that my mother lives vicariously through me. Secretly, I love this and hate this at the same time. Like she hints around to whether or not Coal Miner stays the night or asks me what we did after the movie. I mean what am I supposed to say? "Well Shirley, Coal Miner and I came home from the movies and he smacked my ass 14 ways sideways." No, I don't think so Shirley. My mother is cool, but she isn't that cool. And she will just use this as ammo against me - of that I am certain. So I coolly say things like "Oh nothing." HA, take that Shirley!  I might be getting some but you'll never know.  You'll neevvvaaa knnnooowww *said in my best theatrical voice possible*

This is random, I'm going back to work.  If my boss asks, I've been doing data collection and web design for the past 30 minutes.

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