This morning while driving to work I realized that I loathe people who talk on their cell phones and drive at the same time. Actually, let me clarify, its the ones who hold their Motorola Razr up to their ear b/c they still don't have a headset. I guess that one that came with the phone just doesn't really cut it and holding the phone up to their ear is muuuuch easier. So, here comes my road rage in a list of rules you may want to follow if my vehicle is within a 500 ft radius of your vehicle.
A) That Cool Little Lever on the Left is a Turn Signal, USE IT - Driver's Ed was many many moons ago for most of us. However I think we would all benefit from using that nifty turn signal to signify when we are *gasp* changing lanes or *gasp* making a turn. See, this nifty device is used to let people know that you need to get over, or you would like to get over, or perhaps you are going to make a turn. I know it can be hard to remember all the things you have to do while driving, but I feel like this one could be pretty easy to slip back into your regimen.
B) Your Welcome A$$hole - If I let you over, you better stick your hand up to signal thank you. Hell you could even stick it out the window or your sunroof to let me know you are thankful that after sitting in traffic for one hour I decided to let you and your sh*tty car in front of me. I didn't have to do that, but out of the kindness of my heart I know what's its like to just sit and wait, so in turn I decided to let you get in front of me. SO THANK ME YOU PRICK.
C) My Turn Signal is NOT a Signal for You to Drive Faster - Hey Douchebag in the Honda with the piece of sh*t muffler causing excess noise and gases to seep into our very thin ozone layer - yea you. I put my turn signal on b/c I needed to get out of this exit lane and merge over. That wasn't a signal for you to speed up your little rice burner and box me out so I have to come to a complete stop and cause traffic. Let me in Richard. And by the way, my car can smoke yours, so don't test me. I'm just trying to save gas b/c I'm a cheap ass.
D) Merge Lanes Were Created to Merge, Not Stop - I know this can be a hard concept to grasp, but merge lanes are really very easy to understand. You use them so you can merge into oncoming traffic. See, if you stop in the merge lane you cause traffic to build-up on the on-ramp, therefore causing traffic to build-up on the main road, so please, be a lamb and put your foot on the accelerator.
E) I Really Can't Hear You When You are Yelling at Me With the Windows Rolled Up - Apparently I did something to piss you off a mile back or even like 10 seconds ago. But when you are yelling at me through the windows I find it very hard to understand what you are saying and comprehend what I could have possibly done to cause you to be soooo angry with me. Honestly this just makes me laugh and wave at you b/c I find you amusing. I'm sorry I did whatever it is I did, but you have road rage and you should see someone about that. Toodles!
F) Yield to Traffic in the Circle - Roundabouts are European, I get it, you aren't from Europe. But for Lawrd's sake, there are flipping signs everywhere telling you to yield to traffic in the circle. Do you really not get what that means? Its means the people currently traveling in the circle have the right-of-way. Understand now?
G) A Fire Truck / Ambulance is Coming, Get OUT OF THE WAY - I hope when you are either in an accident or being escorted to the hospital people like you are ALL OVER the road. See people like you think you are so important and where/what you need to do trumps that Fire truck/Ambulance coming in behind you. Keep that in mind when you are sitting around waiting for someone to save your life and some a$$hole just like you wouldn't get the f*ck out of the way for the fire truck/ambulance, so you end up suffering a little longer. Its simple folks, move to the right, or move anywhere that gets out of the way of that big hunk of steel on the way to save someone's life. Its the least you can do during so karma doesn't rip you a new one.
H) I'm Not Impressed With Your Rims or Your Tint Job - You probably spent a lot of money on your rims and your tint job, but I still need you to drive the speed limit. Cruising in front of me at 25 when the speed limit is 40 only tells me that you have a small penis or absolutely no money in your bank account. And just a little word of advice - if someone is impressed with your rims/tint job, you should run for the hills b/c I'm certain that person will bring you nothing but bills, more bills, and drama. Or they'll shoot you b/c they want your rims/tint job.
I) Riding My Tail Won't Get You There Any Faster - However it will cause you to ruin both my bumper and yours if you get nailed from behind. So back the eff up. I promise that extra foot of space isn't going anywhere in the next 10 miles. We'll all get there, just chill out.
J) Please Don't Make Me Listen to Your Music - Didn't your mother teach you anything? The level of that bass and treble are going to bust out your ear drums. You'll be deaf by 50. Do us both a favor, save our ears, and our sanity, turn that down. Mostly just the bass b/c yea that was cool back when I was 16, but now I don't like to feel the bass in my chest b/c it makes me afraid I'm having a heart attack and I'm too young to die.