Thursday, July 8, 2010

That's Not Funny, YES IT IS

I used to think I was going to be like the raddest mom alive. I had dreams of coo'ing babies and staring into the blue eyes of a smiling child. Taking family photos by the beach, all dressed in the same outfits. Staying home to workout, cook dinner, clean, discipline, and just be the most amazing mother and wife anyone could dream of being. Then my sisters had kids. My dreams have been shattered. I'm absolutely certain I'm going to be the worst mother alive. I think I will also be the angriest woman alive. Kids are a royal pain in the a$$. No I'm serious. They are cute and all, and I might be a complete natural (or so that's what everyone keeps telling me), but I'm just not sure I can deal with those little devil spawns. I've listed my reasons below (b/c you guys know that I love lists) as to why I think I'm going to receive a "F" with flying colors should I decide to successfully procreate.
  1. I LOVE sleeping - kids apparently do not like sleeping. What they like is to wake up in the middle of the night and scream as if I've severed one of their limbs. They also like to do this multiple times throughout the night so that they can be sure that you are so exhausted that couldn't possibly keep yourself from crying less than three times in a 24 hour period. I think kids know exactly when you are in the deepest form of sleep. They wait until the right moment and then BAM - wake the eff up mommy my a$$ is hung-garee.
  2. I'm vain - What if I can't lose my "baby weight"? What if I'm like one of those people on that TLC show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" who is still fat from their previous pregnancy that they don't even know that they are pregnant with another child? Or if I'm like one of those people you see on the metro who you think you should offer your seat, but you aren't 100% certain, and you don't want to be the bish who offers a seat to a person who looks to be pregnant but isn't and then you are just like the worst human alive. What if that happens to me?
  3. I like my boobs - am I a bad person if I'm afraid that my boobs are going to stretch and drop and look like inflated pancakes? OMG I'm starting to tear up right now just thinking about that situation. My boobs are awesome. Coal Miner loves my boobs. What if I decide to let one of my little spawns breast feed and then I have not cute boobs. And then Coal Miner isn't attracted to me and I have to wait to get a boob job b/c I can't get one until I'm done having kids. The horror.
  4. I don't want a child to interfere with my unlimited mobile-to-mobile minutes - There is nothing I hate more that talking on the phone and someone being completely distracted b/c their child is tugging on their leg or screaming for something in the background. Mommy is trying to have a conversation so please shut your face for a few minutes. I am a terrible person, I already know this.
  5. I don't know how to say no nicely - its a problem, no IT IS. My "no" usually consists of some horrid facial expression and a tone that could injure even the strongest self esteem levels. Add to that the fact that I think children should completely understand and comprehend, no matter the age, why I'm saying no...well that's just a recipe for disaster.
  6. I have zero patience - I get irritated when...well when don't I get irritated? I'm the most irritated person I know. I mean I defend this by saying that adults should just "know better" but I bet I start saying "oh come on, that kid should know better!"
  7. I like my weekends - my friend called me the other day from the soccer field. She told me that she had soccer at 9am, a birthday party at noon, another birthday party at 2pm and it was only Saturday. KILL ME NOW. She then started to cry a little until I told her that we could have wine on a school night b/c I would man up for that (I don't usually drink on school nights b/c it affects my super engaged mindset while I'm at my super engaging job) and b/c I could hear the desperation in her voice. She sniffled and said in a tiny whisper "thank you." I mean are you a bad mom b/c you'd rather get drunk than sit through two 3-year old birthday parties in one day? I don't think so.
  8. I'm already exhausted and don't have time to workout - I get home now at like 7pm, after leaving at 7am. I'm exhausted. I'm hungry. I just sat in traffic. Its too hot for me to go running. I don't have a gym membership. And I'm getting fat. What happens once a child comes into the mix? What happens to my "hungry, flabby, no time to workout self" then?!?!
  9. If I have to do another load of laundry I'll punch someone - I seriously cannot handle the amount of laundry that has come into my life since Coal Miner has come into my life. I swear to the heavens above that man never wears anything twice. All of the laundry I do is his. And freaking clothes are all over the floor, and I have to pick them up, and wash them, and blah blah blah. Adding another individual's laundry to my current 3+ loads a week sounds like nightmare on elm street 14. WORSE!

So you can see these are just a few of the reasons I probably wouldn't win Mother of the Year, well, ever. Am I bad person or is it normal to think you are going to be the worst mom ever?


Bev said...

Megan - I have ALWAYS thought I was born to be a Mom, would be the best, blah blah blah......Now that it is like approaching the time for this to take place, I am terrified and not excited for all reasons listed ECSPECIALLY the weight loss!! I am having a hard enough time as it is. Not vain, not a bad person, and VERY normal XO

MDubs said...

Thanks Bev - this is why we will be forever friends. B/c if I can't have wine, and you can't have wine, some betches are going DOWN!!!! <3

Amber D. said...

Every number on your list, I have felt. Yet I'm a mom, and wouldn't trade it. Granted, I never had great knockers (damn you, genetics), and I have some stretch marks and know I won't ever fit into those size 2 Abercrombie jeans I still have in my closet "just in case", but I've learned to deal with it. I still have an adult life, it's just had some minor readjustments. And I am the most impatient person on earth, and still have to take a deep breath and count to three (or three hundred, whatever) before I snap and scream at my kiddo. Buuut I think I lucked out and have the coolest kid ever, who loves Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin, and thinks when she poots it's hilarious, and makes me smile every day. You'll feel the same when you have one.

Just in case you want to wait to have one, though - Don't have unprotected sex in a hot tub. That's gonna be a great story for my daughter one day, to find out she was conceived in a drunken hot tub session.

MDubs said...

Perhaps you should blog about said hot tub and have her reference your blog for a full breakdown :)

Thanks Amber - I'm pretty sure your daughter lucked out and has the raddest mom ever!!!

Ps - you WILL get back into those size 2 jeans, I just know it!!!

Jodi Lynn said...

You are hilarious! I so wish I could say not all of these are true, but as a friend I cannot lie to you. However, I will say I still know how to have a good time and make it a point to do so. For example, @ 4:45 this morning (after a great night of playing hard with some of our favorites) Dean decided it was time to play. Brian was getting ready for work and he woke me up to tell me Dean was awake. My response was simply, "I think I'm still drunk!" as I rolled over. Eventually I got myself together and took care of my kid, but it wasn't pretty. Thank God for Gatorade and McDonald's on a Friday morning!

Megan, just like everything else in life you'll figure it out. Seems like Coal Miner is a keeper and would be a team player with a Lil Coal Miner. You just learn to take turns sleeping, getting drunk, and being hungover. TEAMWORK!

*disclaimer - I think I might still be drunk as I type this, so please excuse any rambling I may have going on.

Jodi Lynn said...

p.s. About the weight gain, it is the one time in your life no one will judge you for being bigger than normal, so DO IT UP!!!

MDubs said...

Oh Jodi I do love you so! The story from this morning just made me laugh out loud at my desk. "Momma is drunk Dean, deal with it!" I heart you!!! <3