Friday, July 2, 2010

Going Going, Back Back, to Two Years Ago

I was just over at Chelsea Talks Smack and reading her latest post, which took me back...oh back to a time I try to forget often, but need to relive at times. A time when the world seemed dark and twisted, and my life seemed more chaotic and meaningless that I could have ever admitted. Chelsea is going through a particularly similar situation - and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. I don't know Chelsea personally, but a piece of my heart broke for her this morning. I know a little too intimately the dark feeling that clouds not only your head, but your judgment, and your life. It envelopes you with such power that it seems you will never escape its grip. But she will.

Some days I can't believe I was ever in that place. At times I think I may have dreamt it happened. And although it pains me to the core to admit it, I thank whoever is watching over me for allowing me the opportunity to experience the pain that ensued. Its through this pain that I learned about myself. I learned what I was willing to "put up with" and what was a deal breaker. I figured out what I liked. What I wanted. What made me tick. I found that this person I thought was going to be an integral part of my future, was never destined to be the person I thought he was. And I learned, no that's not the right word...I mastered the ability to be alone. And guess what, I loved it. I loved that I had such calm about the entire situation. I loved that I loved me. I loved that I had been in such despair and hit such a bottomless pit, that there was no where to go but to a state of self love. It’s okay that he wasn’t the right one for me. Its okay that I made mistakes. Its okay that I was a drunk, crying mess. Its okay that I hadn’t seen the things other people had (and let’s be real I had failed to listen). Its okay that I was wrong. I was really wrong.

I make this all sound very easy and very simple. But its not. It takes time. Years. But once you find that state, that euphoric state, the bliss that comes after …cannot be put into words. It is a feeling, an emotion, an overwhelming urge. My bliss is Coal Miner. He is my bliss. My current life is my bliss. My destiny. I am me. I am loved. And that dark time has never seemed as far away as it does now.

Chelsea, you will find your bliss. You are not alone. You are allowed to be however you want to be right now. You will find your bliss. <3


Candice said...

This is such a great post.

It always seems so dark at the time, but with time it gets better doesn't it? So much better. Life changes you, and one day you look back and you can't believe that you were ever in such a shitty place.

Perspective is gained.

It's beautiful.

Amber D. said...

I love this. We've all been to that horrible place, and some of us haven't found the great happiness yet, but we know it's out there. The memory of the dark place is a constant reminder that it's been horrible before, and it's always gotten better. ALWAYS.

Beautifully written blog, my friend.

MDubs said...

@Candice - Isn't it strange after the time passes, you often can't remember the reason you were so upset in the first place. Perspective sheds a whole new light on everything.

@Amber - It is out there and you will find it when you least expected. Mine came off of the hell would some guy off of Match would be my knight in shining armor?!?! *hugs*