Spring Cleaning

So its spring here in the good old Washington, DC (actually we are creeping up on summer on Sunday), and the need to clean-house has crept up once again. I thought I would just list out the items/areas where I really need to focus myself. I've listed them below, which I mean where else would I list them?
HOME: Let's start with my closet which is filled with shoes I don't wear, clothes I don't like, and bags I never use. What is my deal with keeping "things"? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm great about throwing away, so much so that I'll curse myself a month later after I realize that I've thrown something out that I need, lol. Okay so I'll start there with not just summer clothes, but the winter duds as well.

WORK: As we all know my jobbie job is constantly seen as a point of spiraling in my life. Some days are awesome, some days are rancid, some days are bleh. Unfortunately, most of the days are rancid. I love what I do, I love the mission of what I'm doing, but the people I work with can be unbearable at times. My organization is solely faced on the upward ladder and people here could care less about the mission and would rather just stab you in the back, throw you under the bus, or whatever else they can do to get ahead. Not to mention the "we own you" mentality. For instance they wanted me to reschedule my vacation (that had been planned for a year) to stick around for some silly implementation. Ummm, if I were a VP I'd be all over that, but alas, I'm not, so NO WAY JOSE. So I'll just keep the "search" alive and hope for the best.

"FRIENDS": I've always said that if the relationship is one sided I see no point in putting in so much effort. Specifically if you want to be friends with me and you covet our friendship so much, you'll make just as much effort as I do, correct? Right now that isn't the case. So if I'm the only one who calls you, or initiates emails, or tries to plan things with you and you are the one who doesn't pick up, respond to my emails, or is always busy...you are the one I'm talking about friend. Or how about the folks who don't need anyone but their significant other. I find that hilarious. What are these people going to do if they break up, get divorced, or lose them (God forbid). Are you just going to expect people to be around to "dust you off and help you up?" Come on folks, grow up, be your own person, there's a lot of world out there beyond the one in which you live. So I'm going to have to just leave some folks alone and see if they come around sooner or later.

Housing/Location: Should I move to FL, should I not? Should I buy a house here, should I not? Should I live by myself, should I not? Should I live in the city, should I stick to the suburbs. Maaan, the choices are just endless. I've decided this is my plan. I leave the next 6 - 9 months for me to make a decision on whether or not I move to FL. During this time I'll continue to apply for jobs and keep the dream a live. If all doesn't work out in the next 6 - 9 then I will buy a place here, hopefully in the city. Sound like a plan? Sounds good to moi.

Have I missed anything? Oh lawrd I hope not.

Almost a year later...nothing but randomness

Just a rant and catch up today:

Work is driving me insane. We have this internal website called "HomeSite" in which news and other things are published. Yet, none of what is posted is actual News. The sad thing is people find this crap really important. Like "drive slowly through the neighborhood" and "make sure you throw your ciggarettes into the smoke towers"...really people? Really, our company is under fire on the reg and there are rumors about layoffs circulating and the best you can come up with is watch your speed and flick your cig in the right place? Man, if only my job were so easy.

Now about my job. Its a cluster F. I don't even actually know who I report to anymore, let alone my future in my organization. I've been working on this Treasury web site and no one else in my team has any involvement. Correction, no one else in the company has any involvement. So its a bit difficult to decipher my position here. Of course I'm getting the empty promises of promotions (I'm now going on year 3 of that same promise...yea I'm onto the game folks). So I've decided to try and jump ship. In this economy, it isn't going as well as expected.

I've been applying to positions down in South Florida, to no avail. Wish times were a little better, but not extreme like they were previously, so I could find a great company down there to get my foot in the door. I know what you are thinking, but you have this great job here in DC, and all of your friends. But let me spell this out for you. My "great" job is awesome, I'm not going to lie about that, but I do 3 times the work of anyone here, the expectation has been set, and now I'm working such long hours that I hardly get a chance to eat dinner prior to 8pm, let alone work out anymore. My friends have all coupled up and don't really have time to be my friends. I found out a year or so ago that I was the best friend any person could have at any given time, but the same was not in order for my friends. My core group is gone and it saddens me, but we all have to grow up at some time right? I guess we are all growing apart or its just me. In my hopes to keep my self-esteem at an okay level I'm going with the first choice.

Okay, babbled enough. Who wants to help me find a job in good 'ole Sunny Florida? Or at least one here in DC that doesn't make me sit in a chair working on my secretary's spread all day. :)

I Just Don't Belong

Yesterday I attended two baby showers. Both for long time friends, happily married, one planned, one not so planned but still welcomed. The first shower was a bit uncomfortable as I haven't seen the mother-to-be in a while. But it wasn't b/c of her. She and I can see each other once a year and it feels like it was yesterday. It was more the people in attendance. There were a group of ladies sitting with her and I didn't know a one of them. To be honest I only knew her childhood best friend, her sister, and her mother. Now keep in mind there were about 50+ people there. So anyway these ladies were all about my age, but didn't even say hi to me when I introduced myself. I thought maybe she had said something about me, but then I realized it wasn't me, it was what I represented. I was single, young, skinny, and the words marriage and children never escaped my mouth. I think they may have resented me, or, well...I don't know. So off from that shower to another shower I went.

When I arrived at the second shower again I didn't know anyone but the mother-to-be (she moved about a year ago), her sister, and her mother. But the mom-to-be is my lovie and after 10 seconds it felt like I just saw her last week. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but then I met another young lady like myself who didn't really know anyone. So we started chatting and she said something that rang very true with me. We were just talking about the shower and our plans and she says "I'm just not prepared for this, are you?" I chuckled b/c of course I'm not, and I told her that this is about the third time I've had this conversation at a baby shower. So she continues to say "So, is it strange for you?" And I think I said something I've been thinking but never really said out loud. I told her "Its hard because you look around and you realize you just aren't in this stage in your life, you may not be for a while, and you truly just don't belong. But I've been trying really hard to stay good friends and understand their new lives. I'm just not sure they understand my life just isn't the same as theirs. Its really easy to see why people grow apart as the years go on. But please do not feel like you are taking too long or you are missing out, b/c you aren't. We are both just fine, its just that we are on a little bit of a different plan than they are. Take your time, there's no rush!" She smiled, said "Yea, you are right! There is no rush and I don't need to be married or have a child to feel complete!" I smiled, and said "Exactly" then we continue to play "Baby Shower Bingo" and smiled at each other when everyone ooo'ed and ahhh'ed at the gifts that were given because we had no idea why you would be so excited about them.

I'm sorry I thought this was my life?!?!

When you think back a few years, did you assume your life would end up as it is currently laid out? I know I definitely didn't think that I would be so confused about who I'm supposed to make happy with my decisions. All along I thought I was the one who was the main focus of my "happiness", but to my surprise I'm apparently supposed to make everyone else happy as well. See, when it all comes down to it, its not really about whether or not you are happy, its the perception other people have about you and your happiness. We all know where this is stemming from, my relationship of course. To be honest, I'm pretty happy right now. I finally got a little glimpse of commitment for the coming future (not that he ever wasn't fully commited to me, just that I want to know this is for the long-haul), I'm finally getting recognized at work for my dedication and hard work, I'm making headway with his family and I feel like things are really starting to get into place.

Ah yes, you knew the start of a new paragraph was coming didn't you? Apparently I'm so caught up in this situation that I'm not really thinking clearly. Because I'm not thinking clearly individuals are starting to question my ability to make sane decisions. Apparently the best idea would be for me to move 500 miles away, leaving my really good job with a fantastic company, my extremely loving boyfriend, and the network of individuals I've grown to call my friends (as you know I've had some problems establishing a good network of friends here). Apparently my mind is very clouded and unable to decipher between fiction and reality. See, my life is fiction. I live in a world where things are going well, but in reality they are not. Where my relationship makes me happy, when in reality it makes everyone around me miserable. Where my family is my circle of trust, but really I'm pushing them away. Where I attempt to be understanding of a cultural difference and supportive of baby steps, but really I'm just a push over. Where I am not rushing into anything b/c I've seen what that can do to a marriage and a family, when really I'm making excuses. Where I belive what I'm told, when really I'm just being fed lies. Isn't it enlightening when someone lets you in on all of these little secrets? All of this time I've been in the dark and I didn't even have the slightest idea.

So thank you, thank you for shedding some light on my relationship and my life, it truly is wonderful. But I wonder, isn't it strange that you think you know so much about me and what I want and my life here, when you've only come here once or twice. Doesn't that seem a little forward of you to assume such things? I mean I can only speak from experience, but when someone says they aren't ready...they aren't ready. Perhaps before when they said they thought they were it was b/c they were told that this was the right thing, and the way to go, the way it was supposed to happen and I was just settling...I don't know, seems like maybe everyone should take a step back and ask themselves "Am I really worried about Megan's happiness or am I more worried about what would make me and the family happy?" "Am I really looking out for her best interest or am I pushing my thoughts of happiness onto her, even though she may not share the same views?" "Am I really trying to be part of Megan's life or am I viewing this from 10,000 feet without even attempting to get a little closer?" Seems to me if we don't start to see eye-to-eye on this, it could mean then end of an era, don't you?