Friday, October 12, 2007

I'm sorry I thought this was my life?!?!

When you think back a few years, did you assume your life would end up as it is currently laid out? I know I definitely didn't think that I would be so confused about who I'm supposed to make happy with my decisions. All along I thought I was the one who was the main focus of my "happiness", but to my surprise I'm apparently supposed to make everyone else happy as well. See, when it all comes down to it, its not really about whether or not you are happy, its the perception other people have about you and your happiness. We all know where this is stemming from, my relationship of course. To be honest, I'm pretty happy right now. I finally got a little glimpse of commitment for the coming future (not that he ever wasn't fully commited to me, just that I want to know this is for the long-haul), I'm finally getting recognized at work for my dedication and hard work, I'm making headway with his family and I feel like things are really starting to get into place.

Ah yes, you knew the start of a new paragraph was coming didn't you? Apparently I'm so caught up in this situation that I'm not really thinking clearly. Because I'm not thinking clearly individuals are starting to question my ability to make sane decisions. Apparently the best idea would be for me to move 500 miles away, leaving my really good job with a fantastic company, my extremely loving boyfriend, and the network of individuals I've grown to call my friends (as you know I've had some problems establishing a good network of friends here). Apparently my mind is very clouded and unable to decipher between fiction and reality. See, my life is fiction. I live in a world where things are going well, but in reality they are not. Where my relationship makes me happy, when in reality it makes everyone around me miserable. Where my family is my circle of trust, but really I'm pushing them away. Where I attempt to be understanding of a cultural difference and supportive of baby steps, but really I'm just a push over. Where I am not rushing into anything b/c I've seen what that can do to a marriage and a family, when really I'm making excuses. Where I belive what I'm told, when really I'm just being fed lies. Isn't it enlightening when someone lets you in on all of these little secrets? All of this time I've been in the dark and I didn't even have the slightest idea.

So thank you, thank you for shedding some light on my relationship and my life, it truly is wonderful. But I wonder, isn't it strange that you think you know so much about me and what I want and my life here, when you've only come here once or twice. Doesn't that seem a little forward of you to assume such things? I mean I can only speak from experience, but when someone says they aren't ready...they aren't ready. Perhaps before when they said they thought they were it was b/c they were told that this was the right thing, and the way to go, the way it was supposed to happen and I was just settling...I don't know, seems like maybe everyone should take a step back and ask themselves "Am I really worried about Megan's happiness or am I more worried about what would make me and the family happy?" "Am I really looking out for her best interest or am I pushing my thoughts of happiness onto her, even though she may not share the same views?" "Am I really trying to be part of Megan's life or am I viewing this from 10,000 feet without even attempting to get a little closer?" Seems to me if we don't start to see eye-to-eye on this, it could mean then end of an era, don't you?

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