Wednesday, September 9, 2009

If I Get Shot, You Know Who Did It

Here's a little gem of a story - yesterday while driving home in my sweet rental car (its a Chevy HHR - yea I know wipe that moisture from your pants, its hawt) I almost hit three chicks walking through the middle of 123 attempting to get to the Farifax Connector Station to catch the bus to the metro. Now, I wouldn't have cared that I almost hit them and just blown it off to them been silly and young (and obviously violating all types of traffic regulations) until the one loud mouthed chick says "Watch where you going BITCH!" and taps the hood of the car with her hands. Oh hail no! I'm sorry, last time I checked crosswalks were designed so you could cross the street at designated times without me making a human pancake out of you and your friends. Well, this really bothered me and I'm not sure why b/c usually I would just flick that chick off and keep driving, but not last night, oh no. I decided I was going to be very polite and talk to these young ladies about the choices they were making in their lives (including but not limited to their horrid makeup, hair, and various piercings). So I roll down my window and have a little conversation that goes something like this:
Me: *speaking in the sweetest tone known to mankind* You know, you ladies should probably use the crosswalk instead of walking across one of the busiest streets in Northern Virginia. I'm pretty sure that's what they were put there, to be used by folks just like you. Be careful ladies, I don't want anything to happen to you.
Ghetto Girl #1: F*ck you slut. How is this any of your bidness, mind yo f*ckin' bidness and go da f*ck away.
Me: Ummm well its my business when I hit you and end up killing you b/c you somehow think its completely unnecessary to use the crosswalk and instead want to play Frogger.
Ghetto Girl #1: Why don't you go call your boyfriend and tell him to give you some dick b/c you obviously need some.
Ghetto Girl #2: Oh my god gurl, you is so funny.
Me: That wasn't funny and I'm not sure why this is funny to you. I could have killed you or seriously hurt you. Do you not understand that?
Ghetto Girl #1: Like I said *turns her back and says something completely inaudible but it contains a lot of curse words and head shaking and hands moving, then turns back around* so F*CK YOU, YOU F*CKIN WHITE BITCH!
Me: *still speaking in the nicest tone known to mankind* Wow, that was special and so well thought out. You know, stop being so ignorant and have a normal conversation.
Ghetto Girl #2: You don't even knoooowwww meeeee.
Ghetto Girl #1 & 3: *nodding their heads* mmmmm hmmmmm dat's rite
Me: Nor do I want to ladies.
Ghetto Girl #1 (w/#2 & 3 nodding their heads and saying "mmm hmm"): You stupid white bitch, I hate all of you. Thinking you so high and mighty, tryin' to treat me like a slave and tell me what to do. I said it once, Imma say it again, F*CK YOU WHITE BITCH.
Ghetto Girl #2: *Laughing uncontrollably* You is so funny gurl, dis stupid bitch.
Me: Okay ladies, how about you go catch your bus to go back to your ghetto or public housing, in which you are probably still living with your parents, and most likely have multiple children from different fathers, and good luck finishing your "medical assistant" career which you are obviously dressed for at the moment. Oh and *now the tone changes and head movements and gesticulation* USE THE F*CKING CROSS WALK NEXT TIME OR I WILL RUN YOUR A$$ES OVER WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT ABOUT IT BIIIIIIITCH!
Ghetto Girl #1, 2, & 3: *Mouths open...crickets...still more crickets*
Me: *sweetest tone know to mankind is back* Gosh, I must have hit the nail on the head with that one huh? Well you have a blessed day ladies. Toodles. *big smile*

Listen I can be even more ghetto than these ladies, so I thought it was worth displaying...and then I realized it wasn't, I only stooped to their level and now they just hate me (and my race) even more. Why, oh why did I have to even open my mouth? SMH.


Amber D. said...

That. Was. Awesome. The sad thing is, you probably DID hit the nail on the head with your description of their ghetto home lives. Love the "medical assistant" assumption.

You so need to go to Sassypants Mommy's blog (on my favorites) and read her blog on OUR run-in with a jaywalker. You sound like you'd fit right in with us!!

Thanks for following me. :)

MDubs said...

LOL - jank is funnnnaaay! I would have to agree with Sassypants about the bottle of Windex, homeboy ain't homeless just effin lazy. :) I stumbled upon your blog and instantly fell in love (your post about the River made me tinkle a little). I'm 100% sure that we would all get along. :)

Thanks for following me as well!!

Karen said...

I had to read it....freakin' hilarious...I started yelling at someone at the beach last year because they were crossing the crosswalk when they weren't allowed...I was pretty sure they were tourists and I yelled "go back to where you came from" and Marios stopped me and asked why I said that--he said I can't believe you told them to go back to Africa? I SAID NO---THEY ARE CLEARLY TOURISTS....he said I am not sure that is what they think....opps....I totally did not mean it like that at all...But damn girl you remind me of me...I yell at people all of the time from my car and don't care.