You're an Annoying Human - In My Eyes at Least.

So I think its high time that I let everyone know about my Facebook pet peeves.  Each morning/evening I find myself more amused and/or disgusted more than ever at what folks are posting on said social networking site. 

1. I don't care if your son/daughter went pee-pee/poo-poo in the potty:  Listen folks, I don't have any children, but I do have nieces and a nephew and I do realize this is a large accomplishment for children. However, its pretty fugging disgusting. I mean do I really need to know that your kid did #1 or #2 in a little plastic pot on the ground? Your child is going to be scarred for life knowing that I now know that he/she just took a shit. I see therapy in their future. So please keep that shit (no pun intended) to yourself.
   
2. I'm sure your boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife is amazing, but I don't need to know how amazing he/she is in bed or wherever else it is you are doing it these days:  Are you serious?  Like seriously...nice, very classy.  I bet he/she would be really excited that I (and 200 of your closest friends who may/may not have ever met this person before) now know that he/she gave you the best head, tried a new position, rocked your world for hours, has an amazing rack/package/taint/etc.  I could care less about TMI, but this is just too much for a Facebook status update.
   
3. Debbie downer, take a Xanax pronto:  Jesus, I don't know how so many bad things can happen to one person, but for God's sake please get yourself in some therapy with a quickness.  Your status updates are making me want to jump off the nearest roof.  I'm sorry your dog died, and your boyfriend broke up with you, and you are having a hard time, and lost your job, and foreclosed on your house, and had a fight with your mom, and you feel fat, and today sucks, and you are sick, and you don't know what you did to deserve this, but honestly I think its high time you sought some medical attention b/c I like to call your little problems - DEPRESSION.
   
4. If you don't like your children, you probably shouldn't have procreated:  Again, I don't have children and I'm sure there are days you would like to drop your kids off at school and possibly leave them there for a few days. But every single solitary day of your life? You my friend, gots a pro'lem. You hate your kids. I would say its pretty safe to assume you hate your life. So while I can appreciate parental frustration, stating that you kids are pissing you off, annoying, whining too much, asking too many questions, being little shits, making a mess, always bothering you, never give you peace, are obnoxious, spoiled rotten, won't leave you alone and you wish you never woke up, everyday of your life...yea take a step back. Maybe you should take those kids over to Grandma's or possibly the closest Kinder Care.
   
5. Nope, dont' feel sorry for you after having three months off you have to go back to work:  Teachers are special people. I give them mad daps, b/c I absolutely, 100%, do not have the patience to deal with children and their crappy parents on a regular basis. So please know that I appreciate you, love what you do, and think you are rad. However, I don't feel sorry for you. I get off 4 weeks a year. Count that, 20 days a year (not including sick days and national holidays - but you also get sick days and national holidays). So while you have been basking in the sun all summer, running errands, keeping your house clean, fixing dinner, working out at your leisure, and all that jazz, I've been sitting behind a desk writing over 200 emails a day, attending back-to-back meetings for 8 hours straight, and have to listen to some nit wit who has worked here for 20 years tell me about what's new and innovative in the industry right now. So, I'm sooo sorry that you have to go to work and earn money for the next 9 months (technically its 8 with all the vacay and holidays) but shut the f*ck up with your whining, b/c I will kick you in your shin if you say another word about "going back to reality".
   
6. Grammar is golden:  A lot of browsers these days have spell check, but that won't help you bad grammar person (mine is awesome right now). Did you know that their/there are different words with different meanings? Oh another little tid bit to/too - very different as well. Oh and "irregardless" isn't a word. I could go on for days, but I'm sensing you didn't do very well in those English classes throughout your primary and secondary education did you? Yea, I didn't think so...no worries, sort of...errr could you just try a little harder maybe? Feel free to use spell check too, it’s this way groovy invention.
   
7. I really don't need to know what type of 90210 personality you are:  Those quizzes are really starting to piss me off.  I don't care what type of Zombie, Sex in the City character, which city you should live in, what age you will be when you die, what type of engagement ring you'll have, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.  AND how did you find the time to take four of them in a row?  I mean who has that kind of time to devote to FB quizzes? So if you could stop posting them to your News Feed I would be super grateful. 
   
8. Great, now I know every detail of your day:  Its great that you get to stay at home and don't have to work or maybe you have your Facebook hooked up to your mobile device, but I'm pretty sure no one cares about every small detail of your life.  Apparently I can relive your entire day right now b/c I'm so traumatized from having to relive it every single day of my life without actually wanting to do such a thing.  No seriously, ask me, I can probably tell you what you did yesterday word for word.  I'm cool with a few details of your day, but every move you make is a little much.  Let's keep it simple and I think you'll find you have more folks responding to your status updates and even removing you from that "Hide" feature in their News Feed (look I just used "their" appropriately).
   
9. Just b/c you are friends with people we both know, doesn't mean I should be your friend:  Why on Earth would you send someone a friend request you don't even know?  Yea we seem to know some of the same people but I've never had a conversation with you, let alone laid eyes on you before.  You are so creepy and weird, go away.
   
10. You aren't going to get fired b/c I posted a pic of you on Facebook:  Get over yourself.  A) You aren't that important.  B) If they fire you, they were just looking for a reason.  C) Don't friend your co-workers dumbass.  D) If you wouldn't want people to know you did it, you prolly shouldn't be photographed doing it then eh?  E) Ask me nicely, I'll take it down.  F) You are boring and obviously lead a double-life..wait that's kind of interesting, tell me more!

That's really all I can think of right now.  Don't worry I'm sure I'll get on FB tonight and be like "F*CK I knew I forgot one!"